False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

And yes, the closure request on his part is bollocks. He does not seek this, he wants to worm his way back in and CONTROL you.

Don't reply AT ALL.

If you even send a fuck off or leave me alone then you have broken no contact and set a precedent that if he tries all the methods he has so far, eventually you will respond in some way.

I promise you, if you can get to 30 days no contact you will feel so good about yourself and a million miles closer to moving on.

This sounds horrible but it's a way of framing it that will stop him being able to make you see him as lost / bereft / victim:

He doesn't need your help to move on, he moved on to other women while you were together he just kept coming back and then doing it again. He moved on over and over again. You didn't because you were loving and caring and wanted to believe in him. And he kept doing it. And made you feel it was your responsibility to try harder to stop him moving on again. And now you want to move on, it's still your responsibility to make the process easier for him?! Jog on mate.

I'm sorry so overly invested with the tough love - it's just you sound so like me and I wish I'd been able to cut my dickhead out of my life sooner

Do not reply. Delete. Block in absolutely all ways.

Sorry my mistake about your son, I thought he was his son too.

In that case don’t reply at all, as PP said.

OP, give yourself a shake. You have told him it’s over. Your actions tell him it’s over. He knows the score, he doesn’t need you to tell him again. Why do you think your words would be any more clear than your actions? He doesn’t want closure, he only wants to open a dialog so he can get inside your head and worm his way back in, but you already know this, you’re just not accepting it because deep down you don’t want him to leave you alone.

If you respond then he knows the current price of getting your attention is 14 days and a shitload of begging messages and letters, that is all, and he’d be right.

Come on, when are you going to wake up? The other day you thought he was done and that he’d got the message. He has proved again that he isn’t done and that he isn’t stopping. When are you going to get serious? Get back onto the police. He’s had another chance and blown it, how many more are you going to give him? When will you know when one more chance is one too many?

The police can give him closure for you. When they have spoken to him he will know you want nothing more to do with him. That is about as clear a message as anyone could send.

Stop being stupid over this man. Get the splinters out of your arse and involve the police.

To clarify, I suggested that formal reply to make it clear the harassing conduct is unwanted, because it will help the CPS prosecute for harassment, if it ends up getting worse and going down that route. Otherwise he will argue in court that she always takes him back after loads of begging, so his emails and letters this time are not unwanted and therefore not harassment. Just keeping the OPs options open if he carries on writing to her but is still skirting the line of open intimidation. A court will ask if he knew his behaviour was harassing.

Alternatively, a friend could send the same message on OPs behalf, so it isn't coming directly from her.

Thankyou guys!

This is what I needed to hear!
I know I shouldn't reply and he knows exactly why I have ended things! He just got into my head I guess!

I'm not going to check my emails anymore! It's an old account so I don't have too it's just curiosity gets the better of me!

But if I want rid of him and to be happy in the long run I need to stop reading the emails!

I stupidly got drunk on Saturday and messaged his parents number that he messaged me on saying to leave me alone so I'm hoping they tell him and he gets the message.
Least I didn't get drunk and message him tho I guess!

Well done henever you’re doing so well. One day soon you’ll look back on ending it as one of the best things you ever did.

Thankyou!
I don't feel I'm doing well tho as I still can't get him out my head!
But I guess that's my own fault for reading the emails!

Yes, reading emails or texts is breaking no contact. So is contacting his parents.

No contact is not to punish you, or him... it's so that you can reset your nervous system and endocrine system and break the trauma bond and be able to finally see him for what he is.

I can understand the temptation to simultaneously want to shag him and then punch him, but again, that is still the trauma bond, and the place you need to get to is APATHY and DISINTEREST.

To get there, you still have to accept that he doesn't love you. These abusers don't love anyone. He just likes an easy life with the softest target and until now, that was you, and he is trying to get his easiest victim back, you. He doesn't like you saying no and I think he will keep trying and quite possibly this is soon going to turn nasty.

Which is why other posters are reminding you that you CAN take this to the police.

Have you changed your locks yet? You don't want to come home to find him with a shotgun in your house? Where are your children when you don't have them other than school?

Jesus Christ woman. Get a fucking grip of your life. This man is toxic. This man is verging on harassing you.

It's like you are feeding on the drama.

Look at your children. They deserve you to be fully available to them. You have spent so much mental energy on a man who has ONLY been in your life for two years.

You have the rest of your life to find yourself properly. Realise what a good relationship should be like.

Stop wasting your mental energy trying to work out if he really is as bad as all your friends know. Stop wasting your mental energy wondering if he has really changed. If he really loved you he would never make you anxious and if told that he was he would do his utmost to change it on the first time of telling.

Take off those rose tinted glasses and see the man for what he is. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

Many other women leave abusive men, men who they thought were thelove of their lives. Just do it. Stop all contact. Don't read his messages, listen to his voicemails, read his emails. Stop trying to make him understand your point of view.

JFC OP, stay off the booze. You knew very well you’d probably contact him if you got drunk, yet you still went ahead and got drunk anyway.

If you really want this twat out of your head and out of your life then start taking responsibility rather than leaving the door open a crack just in case you change your mind. to use an MN adage, shit or get off the pot.

Do you want rid of him or not? at the moment you’re saying you do but your actions say otherwise. Why aren’t you involving the police? Why are you not doing everything within your power to get him off your back if you’re truly set on never having anything to do with him again?

I’l ask you again, and this time it’s not rhetorical; How will you know that the next chance you give him will not be one too many?

I know what your all saying and I'm so annoyed at myself for reading his emails and texting his parents!
I won't be drinking for a while now but it's the only time I can actually forget at the moment.

I don't want to go to the police because I felt like an idiot last time and it's still the same crap he's been saying so not threatening in anyway! I don't want to feel like an idiot again! They will probably just say what I know..,,stop reading the bloody emails and then I wouldn't know he's contacting me!

I know he's toxic and I know I don't want him back and I want him out my life! I'm just curious to what he has to say that's all! But that's all stopping now! I've deleted the email account off my phone!

I just had a moment of weakness that's all and needed you guys to set me straight again! So Thankyou

One of the best things I did was get a friend to change the password to my old email account so I had no idea how to get in. I literally couldn't get into it.

I know how hard this is OP - you're an adult so don't want to preach but I made some bad decisions when I drank (and worse) after I left my ex. I would think I was totally over him get cocky and send him a message saying to fuck off / how awful he was etc but contact us contact and it showed he was still front of mind. Then the next day I'd see the messages and my headspace was fucked again.

The sign of truly being over someone isn't even hate, it's indifference and you can only get there by filling your life with other things (quality kid time, friends, family, books, movies, trips) so the space he takes up in it gets smaller and smaller until finally he's on the outside altogether.

Yea alcohol is not the best thing at the moment I know that! But I just wanted a night off to forget about him! Obviously didn't work tho otherwise I wouldn't of messaged his parents!

I guess day 1 starts here! God damn it!!

Hey OP, I've not posted here before but I've read the whole thread. Just wanted to post at this time to offer my advice as someone who (years ago) went through all this, not just with one, but with three partners. I have totally been there and get how it feels. Two of these men resorted to all the same tactics your ex has done- threatened suicide, messages, calls, letters, early morning stalks outside my house etc. One even threw himself down the stairs in an attempt to get my sympathy. One of them who was violent towards me during our "relationship" messaged me years later saying he was getting married and asking me to confirm in writing that he was never violent as his new partner had heard rumours about him!!! Thankfully I just blocked him and he never got his reply, the fucking idiot!!!

What I wanted to say is, the ONLY way I recovered from my people pleasing / co-dependency was through therapy. I had therapy for nearly 7 years! But within 6 months of therapy I understood enough to NEVER fall into this pattern again.

You have mentioned therapy a few times and signed up for some free online therapy but you haven't mentioned it recently. OP, please listen to me- if you value yourself and your children's happiness PLEASE go and have a consultation and start weekly sessions. There are plenty of low-cost therapy options out there if your GP can't refer you to NHS. If you pay for gym membership to keep your body healthy then you won't mind paying for therapy to help keep your mind fit and healthy. It truly is an absolute priority.

Please, you need to educate yourself about how this pattern has been allowed and most importantly so that
A) it never happens again and the next relationship you form (in a few years hopefully) will be healthy from the outset
B) you can start to raise your children in a way that teaches them about healthy boundaries so they never grow up to be people pleasers themselves.

I hope this makes sense. Please please access therapy ASAP. In the meantime, as others have suggested, look through Lisa A Romano's channel on YouTube for clear advice.

No, drink does not allow you to forget about him, and yes, you knew it wouldn’t.

The police told you to contact them if he didn’t stop contacting you did they not? So why aren’t you doing that.

Why are you so worried about how you look to other people? TBH you look pretty stupid letting him keep this hold over you, have you not considered that?

Hey Thankyou for your response!
Yea his tactics are annoying this time but the problem is before I would finish with him in hope he would do all the stuff he is now just so I knew he actually cared!
That's why I can't go to the police as I feel silly!

But yes I am going to seriously look into counselling in the new year!
I went for a consultation with the free one of nhs but they said they couldnt help me and gave me the number for you first so will look into them!

No the police said if he gets worse or comes to the house! Which he hasn't just emailed me! Which I can "quite easily ignore" there words not mine

I think the new year is too late for therapy OP. This is your life. If you were unwell would you wait until the new year to see the GP?

Did you inform the police about his gun threats?

I can't afford it before Xmas!

Yes I did, but he didn't threaten me with a gun. They asked if there locked away as they have to be and they are. Cos after he said about it I made him put them back in his parents house! This was back in February when he did this.

OP I have already suggested low cost therapy options. You can get it for as little as £5. You just have to do a bit of research about what's available in your area. Another pp mentioned a free online therapy course too.

OP, it is great that you have deleted the email address off your phone. What about your pc/laptop? Can you get a friend to change the password for you?

What other strategies can you use to be strong when you feel weak?

Don't worry about Saturday. It was a blip. To continue the nicotine addiction analogy I used earlier, you just had a drag of someone else's fag. You haven't gone and bought yourself a packet. Be proud that you didn't do more. Tomorrow is a new day.

Yea I can't find any in my area.
The free therapy they said they couldn't help me. And I can't find anyone else in my area cheaper than £40 an hour.

I don't ever use my laptop! And yes I think getting my take no shit friend to change the password is a good idea! I will do that as right now I haven't checked it since this morning and god do I feel better for it!

Tbh just coming on here and you guys telling me to stop being an idiot really helps.
Normally I would of messaged him so I'm so glad I had u guys to remind me it's a bad idea!
But yes finding something else would be a good idea. Just not sure what

Find your self-respect and then you'll wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.