False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Time to involve the police more?

Your call but you DID make it clear it was over to him.... he will persist and persist and may up the ante even further.

A restraining order would stop all this.

It was something I would have REALLY appreciated, but ex is not in the UK, so it would have been useless.

Do it, tell the police you got another letter and you do not want him coming onto your property again. They will have the gentle word with him. Then if he ignores that, restraining order.

It will make no contact a lot easier.. theoretically.

I wouldn't bin them, as the police may need them as evidence.

But opening them can't be helping. It repeatedly breaks no contact, but if you can handle that and you REALLY want him out of your life, then see the police again.

On the front of the letter it just said....please read, this will be the last one!

I believe him....may be naive but I think he's now given up!

Plus the police said if he does anymore? They weren't worried about the letters as they weren't threatening?

It won't be the last one. He doesn't like losing. It's a game to him.

Please speak to the Suzy Lamplugh people, they are the experts on this.

sounds like you've had a really good day, OP. Well done! How many days in are you now? Hope you are still marking them off on the calendar.

Just keeping on sending the letters when you've told him you want no further contact is an act of harassment in itself. They don't need to contain overt threats. They are emotionally coercive and unwanted. Repeated begging and love bombing after you have made it clear by your conduct (ignoring) that this is unwelcome, is intimidating in itself, because he is thrusting his attentions on you against your wishes.

This won't be the last letter btw. I think the threats will come next, but be disguised perhaps as 'concerns' for your welfare. How could he hurt you most? He will think of ways. But you are prepared. You have kept the evidence. You have notified the police. You can call them again and make a formal statement if/when he gets nasty.

And I agree with PPs. Your boys deserve to have a mum who isn't distraught and in pieces over a man, both when she is in and out of a relationship with him. Go and do something massively fun with them and remind yourself that this is your new life. Fun mum who is truly 'present' with them.

I am on day 13 now!!! Day 13!!
Really wouldn't of done it without your guys help!

Well if threats come next or he starts knocking on my door or stops me in the street or anything then I will ring the police. But atm the letters didn't seem enough and I felt silly so I'm not going back to them yet when it was basically a goodbye letter!
I do believe that's it now and he's realised I'm not coming back!

Now to start rebuilding my new life!
Had a lush takeaway with some friends last night and god was it good to laugh!

I hope you’re right OP, but I wouldn’t put the house on it.

Fine if you don’t want to go back to the police right now, I can see why if you felt brushed off, but please continue to be careful, and absolutely do go back to them if he continues beyond this point. Call this his chance, and if he blows it you’ll have to get the police involved.

Sorry to say it's not really no contact if you keep reading the letters. Be honest with yourself; you will miss them when (if) they stop. You are still connecting emotionally and getting your fix every time you read a letter. Keep it real and at least recognise this. Once again my comment is well meant.

I was thinking this! Thursday felt like day 1 as it was the first day I hadn't heard off him.
Come Friday I was actually okay...thinking that was it and now I feel I might be back at day 1 still waiting for an email!

It's my old email he sends them too so I'm not going to look at that address anymore!

If that letter was really a goodbye then I need to get used to it!
I'm feeling a lot better about it tho thinking that was the last bit of contact!

I keep telling myself tho....least I haven't responded!
That is progress and now hopefully day 1 of no contact from him can start today!

Yes come on @heneverkeepshisword, you've got this!

good work OP. Perhaps if you get anything else you can just not read it. Give it to a friend to read (and hold on to) just in case it has a threat or something in it, but otherwise you don't need to read the same old bullshit from him.

psychopathsandlove.com/intensity-vs-intimacy-a-relationship-litmus-test-2/

counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

Okay so I need some advice!

He has contacted me via email this weekend basically just pleading and begging with him to talk to him to basically give him closure!
Just to put it all to bed basically so we can just move on!

I feel I should? I feel I should just have 1 final conversation with him to just clear things up and so he can stop emailing me and finally leave me alone!

I know I should open the emails but I can't help it! So please don't have a go at me for that!

Would this be a really bad idea? I was literally about to message him and say ok...one conversation and then u have to leave me alone!

Cos all I think is if it was the other way around I would want the same? Like if someone just sent me one message saying it's over with no explanation really I would be going crazy?

Nooooo! Don’t do it, you’ve closed the door, you owe him nothing and you’ll set yourself back.
No.
No.
No.

No don’t meet him. It wont work, he will just use it as an opportunity to manipulate you. He will NOT stop contacting you because you have one meeting .

You have NOT sent him one message saying its over. You’ve had many conversations about these issues, haven’t you?

Reply to him and say if he has anything to say he can put it in an email.

This closure stuff is bollocks, you will have to go having some contact anyway as you have a young child together.

You have given him an explanation. He knows perfectly well why you are leaving .

He just doesn’t accept that you have the rights to do. He thinks that HE gets to decide when its over.

Your words 11 days ago...

Yea I'm expecting lots of different methods....I can be really strong ignoring his messages....but I know and he knows if he catches me in person I'm not so strong....I don't know why but I can't say no to his face!

Cross another day off on that whiteboard.
Don’t look back, you’re not going that way!

Oh no I was never thinking of meeting him!
Just messaging him and saying look it's over I don't know why you want to know what I'm up to as it's over and none of your business now please stop with all the emails!

No we don't have a child together. So I haven't spoke to him in 2 weeks now!

Maybe he's just got into my head! But I feel bad that he has all these questions and needs closure as I no I would go crazy the other way around!

I need to stop reading the emails 🤦🏻‍♀️

He doesn't have any questions OP.
NONE at all.
He's a cheat and a liar and he already knows this.
You don't need to tell him anything.
You don't owe him anything.
I'm assuming he doesn't have an IQ of 7 so he knows what he's done.
He wants to worm his way back in.
And he knows exactly how to do it.
Loookkk..... it's working for him.
You are considering contacting him again.
Either 'FUCK OFF' or nothing.
Nothing is better.
Once he sees you are willing to respond he will up the anti again.
STOP worrying about him.
STOP reading emails.
STOP reading letters.
You've done so so well.
Don't let yourself down now OP!

I do keep trying to tell myself this!
We have had so many conversations about why I can't be with him.
He keeps saying it's not to get me back it's so he can move on!

I'm not going to read his emails anymore!

I promised tough love last time OP so here it is!

No no no no no no no no and no again.

You already gave him an explanation.

Your explanation was that you don't want to be with him. You owe him nothing more, especially after his past behaviour.

Do you really think that anything you say will do any positive for you? It sets you back at day one. AND he doesn't deserve any additional justification from you and even if you gave it to him it doesn't matter if he takes it on board or not - he is not in your life any more. There is no benefit to even replying to him other than him getting in your head again.

Think of it this way. So far you've demonstrated to him that it's over and you are capable of no contact. If you respond to him you are demonstrating to him that it's over for now but you are only capable of no contact for a week or so but sending you messages will eventually result in a response.

Do. Not. Start. This. Cycle. Again.

Like last time, take a step back and remember how you felt one of the times he hurt you the most. Really remember that feeling. You begging him to be kinder, you losing all your confidence... how fucking dare he ask you to help him move on!

YOU ARE ACE, CHIN THIS DICKHEAD OFF!

No No No!!!

This is his crowbar levering open your firmly closed door. He is not respecting you or your wishes. He wants to argue with your reasons for ending it, to justify his wish to get back together. He will not leave it after one conversation. Even if you are strong and don't get back with him this time, any contact will encourage him to continue contacting you.

Do. Not. Allow. It.

If YOU want closure, then the only acceptable return message is this:

"Dear Ex, please stop trying to contact me. Our relationship is over. I have blocked all communication channels. I have reported your actions as harassment to the police, and they will take action if you continue.
I wish you well with your life."

Polite, firm, clear.

But others will say don't even send this.