How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

@bathwaterblues you must be in turmoil. I applaud your bravery and honesty in telling the truth. I hope in time this gives you peace and you and DH can work out what’s best for all of you. If it’s meant to be with this other guy then it will be at a time when you’re ready. I regret so much what I’ve done. I’ve certainly reaped what I sowed.

Hello sorry I disappeared for a while

It's been a fairly awful weekend - I told dh on Saturday night as I couldn't look at him anymore. He was angry/ devestated and couldn't understand why I would have done it. And I told the OM to stop messaging.

I honestly things I'd taken leave of my senses for a week. I don't even recognise myself.

I told dh I'd been unhappy for a long time and that I feel it's time for us to go our separate ways.

He wants us to work on the marriage and get the spark back so we are currently having some time apart to think things over.

And the guy? Well as soon as he knew that I'd told dh he ran for the hills. Some connection huh. To the male poster who said they don't think like us, boy were you right! And to everyone who said I was insane, you were also right. And to those who said stop it now before you get in too deep, thank you, I am so glad I listened.

I've learned my lesson with regard to cheating and married men for sure. Not sure what the future holds but if things get better with dh or if I'm by myself I'm determined to have a happier 2020.

Glad you came back bath you’ve been on my mind a lot, possibly because my own situation is so ‘current’. I hope that you and DH are able to put on a happy front for the kids at Christmas. Maybe this will be a catalyst for a positive new start for 2020? I admire your resolve that something needs to change.

When it’s an affair it’s very hard to untangle what are actual real feelings and what’s the thrill of the chase/the illicit and what’s just an escape from a difficult lonely existence. In my case I’ve belatedly come to realise that it was mostly the 3rd strand for me, I was so desperately unhappy and so lonely in my marriage with a tricky family life, that I clung on and endured really bad behaviour just to keep hold of him because going back to my old life seemed unbearable.

I hope you and your DH can come through this, either to stay together if that’s what you want or as friends and co parents if not.

@bathwaterblues I've also been thinking about you! You can always post here if you need a chat. Difficult situation that let's face it, no one ever thinks they will be in.

I wonder how everyone is?
How are you Mrticklelives?
I've been feeling pretty down about it all today. He's back from annual leave, really chatty, seemed in a good mood. But me... oh god I could shake myself! I've been so 'teenage'
Heart skipping a beat every time I saw him (that's nothing new), not being able to get my words out properly when talking to him, getting all hot and flustered.... Gah! Very 'crushy' and I'm never normally like this.
I feel pretty shit. I've managed to convince myself my feelings are not reciprocated (I mean, really, why would he look twice at me?)
And I'm just wishing I could stop feeling this way. But wondering where the hell do I start?
The Christmas do' is this Friday, and I feel very anxious. I will keep away from him, and I am pretty sure he will do the same.
I'm just hoping I'm still going to be able to enjoy it, without worrying too much about what he's doing and where his attention is.
I feel quite despairing right now

Hi looop do you really think you’ll stay away from each other at your Christmas do? It sounds like there’s a connection there on some level that is mutual based on things he’s said in the past? Do you feel you need to stay away to protect yourself given the intensity of your feelings?

MrsElbaTheSecond Thank you for your reply.
I have only ever been out in a social environment once before with him there, and yes we kept away from each other.
Apart from when he left, after he gave me a group hug with another girl, but then lingered his hand in mine... That was it.
I'm very conscious when others are around, and I think he is too.
I don't think anything will happen, but I am worried I will end up spilling my heart out, or getting upset when he gives his attention elsewhere.
I did once believe we had a strong connection, but at this moment I feel like I've got it wrong.

Hi everyone.

Saturday may be busy on here as my gala is also on the Friday.

We have been hot and cold with each other, and I'm not sure he is going to come. I feel sick about it to be honest. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, buts it's our thing to hang together at these types of things and if he chooses not to follow me round like he normally does I'll be very sad although I plan to hide it.

@looop I hope it goes well and no blurting takes place. I'm worries about that too but I am just going to try to keep my mouth shut. I could have tried to kiss him or talk to him last year and if I managed to avoid it (drunk as I was) I should be okay this year.

What it has done is bring up my terrible lack of self confidence. I feel like I will look so bad at the gala when everyone will be dressed up, that I will look like a joke to him. He's so kind he would never say it but I'm starting to get worried that it is laughable that he would ever find me attractive. Am terrified of mutual friends finding out.

Am not handling this well.

Mrticklelives Yes it could well be!

You sound just like how I'm feeling. Sick with nerves, just knowing I'm going to get upset that I can't be around him. Having to watch him with others, but pretend I'm ok.

I think I just need to make sure I don't let myself go too far with the drinking. I'm old enough (sadly not always wise enough) to know my limits.
Thank you, here's hoping it's a good night and I don't feel as bad as I think I will.

Oh goodness, I can so relate to that. My self esteem is so incredibly low. And I have extra obsessed over what I'm going to look like on Friday night. The amount of clothes I've ordered and sent back over the past month! I don't want to look like I'm trying hard, but at the same time I want to make sure I'm showing my best self.
I have been feeling this lately; how could someone so impossibly gorgeous, find me even slightly attractive? And these thoughts have chipped away at my view upon myself. I've felt stupid for even entertaining the thought, that me might like me.
It make me very sad. Then I feel even more stupid, because it's not like I'm on my own, so what hell does it matter what he thinks?!

I haven't brought many clothes is because I'm starting to get that inertia that comes with complete and total panic. Was sick yesterday thinking about it. Then thought 'what a joke I am' being sick like that!

I just don't want anyone to notice my shame.

@looop I get it tho, you just want him to think you look nice but not too much.

What are you wearing? Dress or top and skirt???

Mrticklelives Oh no! You poor thing, you really are getting yourself into a state. Sending you a hug.

I've decided on a black v-neck blouse, black slim trousers and sparkly heels. Turns out the night, is airing more on the casual side. I was originally going to go for a body-con dress, something I would normally wear, but decided I would feel far too self conscious in it.

I will feel just a little better in this choice, but I know I'm still going to feel awfully conscious.

I bet you'll look lovely it sounds like a nice outfit.

I feel really stupid. A mural friend told me that he's not coming so I didn't have to stress so much.

I know it's not because of me but I feel rejected on such a deep level. How have I let this situation get so out of control?

I'm going to miss him so much, he's always there for me through these kinds of things and it won't be the same.

I really want to leave my hobby, I don't want to see him anymore. I legitimately cant. I feel pathetic, old and broken.

And I hate his bloody girlfriend!

Hi everyone. Good to hear from you all.

Also struggling today. I saw her last night (hobby) and it all came flooding over me again just when I thought I was coming through the other side. I had to stop on my way home and sob. I really need this to go now.

@alwaysmessingup I feel your pain. I hope you're okay.

Thank you @Mrticklelives

OP, wouldn't it be kinder to yourself not to go to the Christmas party, than to go and either see him there with his girlfriend, all loved up together, or for him not to show at all, and leave you feeling disappointed and let down? Why torment yourself? Do something lovely just for you instead.

Mrticklelives Thank you, I hope so.

Oh That is disappointing. I would feel exactly the same in that case.
It sounds like you are in a bad place with it right now, and are struggling with those feelings.
Please be kind to yourself.
You may find you enjoy the gala more tomorrow, because you will feel less 'on edge'. Though of course I know you will miss him.

Please think things through before making any drastic changes. It would be a shame to give up your hobby over this.

Have you ever met his girlfriend? Do you know much about her? Apart from the fact she's with someone you wish you were with!

@LucyLocketss no one is stalking anyone fgs. In fact, from what I have read, we are all going to some lengths to avoid doing that! So unless you have anything useful to contribute...

That is my useful contribution. Some of you need to take a long hard look at yourselves

From what I have read, these are women with crushes on unattainable people, not crazed stalkers. Have some compassion. Unrequited love is painful.

I read somewhere that the average crush lasts about 4 months. They tend to burn themselves out after a while. It all comes down to this- are you feeding this crush? that means, are you constantly fantasising about him, imagining scenarios, stalking him on facebook/social media and generally mooning about over him? If you are, you are fuelling this crush and it will take longer to get over.
If you really want to get rid of it, starve the crush. Stop stalking, fantasising, distract yourself with other things, dont spend time with him etc etc If you do this, it will fade quickly. I promise.

Why would one ask to remove a thread like this?
Does unrequited love not deserve some compassion? 🙄