How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

[Stillsexystillsingle]

Ok... here's some advice from a single girl! Have you considered that the way you both feel about each other could very well be an indication that you're both in relationships that have run their natural course? Perhaps there is something worth pursuing here? I would say don't stress just live your life and all will become clear to you in time... but don't string two men along... maybe you need to take a break from both of them while you decide what's the best course of action for you...I know you call one hubby and the other one a friend.. but which one of them truly values you, supports you, understands you? Is it one, both, neither? I know this is all really scary but really be honest with yourself, and then your way forward will eventually become clear to you.Good luck!

[Mrticklelives]

All your comments are helpful.

I saw him today and I didn't speak to him or make eye contact. I'm going ignore him best I can.

Another poster said give yourself 30 mins day to fantasies and daydreams. The rest of the time NC.

Deep down, I want to talk to him about this but that will fuel it up again and he didn't want to the first time.

I hope this wears off eventually, it's horrid.

[KirstyHasLeft]

Oh, I am going through this now too.. It's been going on for a year and is truly horrid.
I'm really trying to talk myself out of it - I find tiny flaws in the person (I don't know this person that well- we are not friends) and I tell myself that if I knew her - I wouldn't even like her, never mind anything more..
For a while my feelings were totally out of control and it consumed my whole life. Insane.
I am slowly slowly getting out of it but I saw her for a brief moment today and realised that I am not over her at all....

[Mrticklelives]

@KirstyHasLeft how do you know them?

I had a bad day with it today, we had a conference and we had to sit opposite each other. I made eye contact with him twice and instantly felt so shit.

He must know cause it must be obvious on my face what I'm feeling but maybe he's just that dense.

I need to get it together.

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

As a PP said are you sure this doesn't mean your marriage has run its course?

This happened to me a few years ago. (Also met through hobby) and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.

[KirstyHasLeft]

@Mrticklelives - a teacher at my DC school... So damn awkward..

[Mrticklelives]

Im trying to make my relationship work because that's what I think is morally right.

I don't think he wants to start a relationship with me. That's not to say that my own relationship hasn't run its course.

He was going through a rough patch with his partner that time we got drunk but u didn't take advantage and I asked him directly if he wanted to be with her and he said yes. So I took him at his word. It was later that night we got too close, so I just assume it was a mistake on his part.

How could we ever trust each other?

How did it work for you?

[sonjadog]

I get limerence quite easily and what I have found works for me is to stop trying to fight the feelings. The more you fight them, the stronger they get. Just let them wash over you and disappear. Go find something else to do. Remind yourself that feelings are transient and if you wait long enough, another feeling will come along. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. I think with limerence you feel like your emotions are really important and they have to lead to action. No they don't. You can have big feelings and do nothing.

[Mrticklelives]

I am fighting them pretty hard and maybe that's what's stressing me out so much.

Also I'm fighting them because I think it's wrong to feel that way.

I actually felt dirty after today, like I was unclean...almost a pervert or a predator.

I wish I could know for sure that he is attracted to me. Then I would know and feel less like a crazy woman, and could accept the situation for what it is.

He's liked a few things on my social media tonight and its made me really confused.

We've been avoiding each other and it was clear today, we went out of our way to do it.

So stay off my social media?

I would block him but it would be too obvious and the hobby group would definitely know then.

[Mrticklelives]

@KirstyHasLeft that is super awkward! Definitely no hope?

[Barbadosblues]

I have a crush on someone too. Its horrible and lovely at the same time. Horrible in that we are both married, lovely in that it takes my mind off the fact I've had the shittest year ever.

I'm very attracted to this man and he flirts with me a lot. Weirdly, I don't fantasise about sleeping with him.

Surely, that is limerance!

We won't see each other for two weeks which is both heaven and hell, for me anyway, he probably hasn't thought twice about me.

I feel like that teenage kid in love actually.

In four words OP, I FEEL YOUR PAIN

[Corbu13]

I met someone 15 years ago - he was unattached but I was not and though we contemplated getting together he walked away. Soon after he married someone he barely knew and after a break of several years our paths crossed again. We fell into a pattern of meeting for dinner every few months, and whilst we both knew the feelings were still there, we rarely acknowledged them - we met and parted with fierce hugs, but nothing more, and I counted him as a close friend, but never gave up on the idea we might one day be together. A year ago we spent the night together - he was clear that he wouldn’t leave his family, and since then he has faded out of my life - we continued to meet up for the occasional dinner but 6 months ago he became very elusive, ignoring my messages. I still live in hope of hearing from him, and when I wake in the night I can picture our one wonderful night together - it’s a classic case of limerence. I’m in my 50s (and so is he), but when we were together I felt as I did with my first love at 16. Though many will condemn me, I would not change anything - he made me value myself in a way I did not, boosted my confidence and was probably material in me making a huge decision about my career. I still hope our paths will cross again.

[KirstyHasLeft]

@Mrticklelives 'I wish I could know for sure that he is attracted to me. Then I would know and feel less like a crazy woman, and could accept the situation for what it is.'

Yes. Totally. I felt like a crazy woman for the longest time. And then she started giving signals that she likes me too. And at that moment I stopped feeling like a creep. It helped a lot in a way.

If you found that he feels the same about you - what would you do?

[Mrticklelives]

If you found that he feels the same about - what would you do?

Unless he seriously wanted to leave his partner, I'd use it as an opportunity to establish some ground rules for engagement (no flirting, don't try and chat to me when I'm talking to someone else then ignore me, don't touch each other, no hugs, no drinking too much together.) So then we could still be friends.

If he did want to leave her, I'd be very surprised. I'd tell him he needs to make his own decision and I'd live with it.

I think I love him so I could live with being a friend as long as we were (ironically) honest with each other about how we feel.

I want him to be happy and I suspect he might not be.

[Mrticklelives]

@Barbadosblues you sound just like me!

@Corbu13 thank you so much for sharing. I was young when I got with my partner, I need real ife stories .

[KirstyHasLeft]

I was going to say - everyone seems to write these feelings off as limerence. Can't it just be love? The normal, old-fashioned falling in love with someone and going batshit crazy with the intensity of the feeling?

[CloudyWithAChance2]

Unless he seriously wanted to leave his partner, I'd use it as an opportunity to establish some ground rules for engagement (no flirting, don't try and chat to me when I'm talking to someone else then ignore me, don't touch each other, no hugs, no drinking too much together.) So then we could still be friends.

I guarantee this won’t happen. If you find out he feels the same way, your feelings will intensify and you will want him more.

[flufffroufox]

limerance can turn into love and limerance can also dissipate..... For me managing the intensity of the feeling meant acknowledgment and not feeling stressed but wishing him well and having some self compassion. I'm only human and if circumstances had been different - well who knows :)

[Mrticklelives]

@CloudyWithAChance2

I believe that I would be able to do that. There's no way, I could feel more intensely anyway. Also, if we couldn't draw the boundaries then maybe we would need to talk more seriously about how we resolve this but at least I wouldn't be on my own .

Limerance sounds like a term to describe a lot of daydreaming behavior but there were real feeling and interactions that led to me feeling like this about him.

I believe I'm in love with him and it's unrequited.

I feel so sad.

[queenbeeof3]

This topic made me feel so much better about my feelings! I'm experiencing this as well and it's overwhelming. I never thought this could happen to me. I'm happily married with kids...

I was feeling quite bad about myself for feeling how I feel towards the person I desire...reading stories of so many women that are going through the same gave me peace in the heart that I'm not alone and most of all I'm not a horrible person for feeling this way.

It was very eye opening, thank you ladies!

[Loopytiles]

You are not friends and cannot be “friends”.

You’re seeking excuses to maintain your status quo hobby and social life wise and enjoy the crush/keep contact with OM.

Discussing your feelings for OM with him, and how to “handle” it, would be yet more emotional infidelity and disrespectful to both your partners. There isn’t anything that needs discussing, you fancy each other, are in relationships, so since you’re unwilling (note: not unable) to go no contact, minimal contact is best.

Telling your DP about this would burst your bubble.

[Mrticklelives]

@queenbeeof3

Welcome to the thread. Feel free to talk about it here.

I think that because we're not selfish and we don't want to set off bombs in other people's lives. The guilt about my feelings has stopped me from acknowledging them, and moving on.

@Loopytiles

That was in response to another poster asking me what I would do if he told me he felt the same way. Hypothetical.

[KirstyHasLeft]

@queenbeeof3 welcome to the club :)
You are not alone and definitely not a horrible person. It took me a very long time to realise it for myself.

[TheBlueStocking]

Human beings are animals, not a computer program. It's completely normal to form intense attractions to anyone you meet who is a good genetic match for you, irrespective of whether you already have a good genetic match at home. Monogamy is a purely social construct. Human beings are not designed to mate for life. There's no need to feel oceans of guilt over your biology!

Of course these feelings will fade, but you need to remove yourself from his proximity. Being with him in social situations is increasing your bonding, producing intoxicating chemicals in your brain.

If you can't leave your hobby, at least try to stop beating yourself up about having a crush. It's totally normal!

[ashtrayheart]

I have experienced this with a few (women although always been in LTR with men) over the years. The last one knocked me sideways and we both felt the same. But the small sensible part of me knew that it wasn't a good long term match and we stopped seeing each other, we are very low contact now (can't be NC totally as children are friends). Things that helped me get it under control:
Never be near each other having drunk any alcohol. I stopped drinking completely anyway which helped!
Set aside time as a PP said to just think about them, don't try and push it away just accept your thoughts are thoughts and not commands.
Imagine life without your DH - do you want to make this work? Focus on doing things with them and aside from your thinking time try and channel your energy into your relationship. If the relationship has run its course then manage that as a separate issue.
My best relationships have never been the ones where I felt the most intensity. It's like being drunk - feels real and intense and amazing but ultimately it's not real.
This is just chemical - it's not some magical connection which has to be obeyed.
Good luck!