How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

[FestiveFavourites]

"beautifulstranger101

I read somewhere that the average crush lasts about 4 months. They tend to burn themselves out after a while

That's really interesting. I guess if the love is not reciprocated in any way at all, then the desire simply withers away.

The problem with the infatuations described on this thread, is that the people concerned are responding flirtatiously, even sleeping with them, thus giving the person with the crush hope that their love may eventually be requited.

It takes a particularly cruel type of person to lead someone on like this.

[Mrticklelives]

@beautifulstranger101 it's been well over four months. We have always been friends.

@festivefavourites I'm not sure about the other posters but my friend has v little idea that I feel the way I do. Am very good at hiding it and also, want to publically respect his relationship, even if I think private different.

I don't know if he's leading me on. He's not a cruel person. There's a big difference between love and lust and somewhere in-between is what we have.

@looop His gf is part of the same circles. I know of her, have met her once and of course he's told me about her.

He tends to talk to me about how the relationship is going. I never overstep the mark, I always give a positive response about whatever he says about her. Although privately, my opinion of her is quite low.

I don't want to leave my hobby but I want to move on and the absence of any 'active desire' for me, I think it's going to be the only way. The financial implication alone is immense.

[looop]

beautifulstranger101 The same as Mrticklelives, it's been well over four months. I'll admit I immediately found him attractive (would be hard not to), but we definitely started just as friends. But have mutually fed it over time, admittedly. I have taken steps to not work with him directly as often as I did, once I realised that my feelings in particular are not platonic.
And I have 'drawn the line' as such on our friendship'. I've sadly had to accept, it will never be the friendship I want, let alone anything else.
So I no longer actively seek him out for conversation or to spend time. It's strictly now in passing. Or when we are working together.

FestiveFavourites I am torn in knowing whether he is deliberately leading me on, and enjoying the thrill of the chase/attention. Or whether he genuinely feels more towards me, or just thinks we are having fun

Mrticklelives Ah interesting. Sounds very similar to me. I've never met her, so I try not to make too much of judgment on someone I don't know.
The team don't have a very high opinion of her, and often refer to how hard work she must be for him, that he's alluded that if circumstances were different, they wouldn't be together, and how often she calls him throughout the day. He hasn't been too disrespectful of her when talking to me, but has said she is jealous and insecure. But brands all girls that way Similarly, I try to respond positively, and neutrally when he talks about her.
I don't know why, but I get the feeling that if I did know her, I wouldn't get on with her.

I understand that, as they say to get rid of feelings you do need to 'starve' them. I wish I could do something similar, although I think next year he will move on as I know he wants to progress in his career.

[FestiveFavourites]

Would it help any of you stuck in this unhappy cycle of unrequited love/occasionally requited love to change your lives so that you have no contact with the people you are so intensely attracted to? Give up your hobbies, change your jobs? Or would that be even more painful than living the way you do now, getting a rare moment of pure joy from an interaction with them?

Starving the crush is a simple sentence to type but a very difficult and possibly life-changing event to accomplish.

@Mrticklelives why do you have a low opinion of your friend's girlfriend? Is she an unpleasant person or is it jealousy that is tainting your view of her?

I do feel sympathy for you. It's all so painful and sad.

[Redyellowpink]

For me a crush this intense has always been a sign that something is wrong in my relationship.

Also, side note but...Why are MNs always so clock and dagger about their hobbies?

[AlwaysMessingUp]

@FestiveFavourites. In answer to your question, I am now at the point where I am seriously thinking about giving up my hobby, yes. I am looking at other things to do in the same area that would mean I just wouldn't have to see her again.

[WhoTheFuckIsGail]

This was me a year ago. I had no idea if OM felt the same but I knew how I felt. My relationship was long dead and we had already discussed splitting although partner didn't want it.

OM did feel the same and was also in a dead relationship. We did both leave our partners although mine was due anyway and I was just getting Christmas out of the way. I didn't leave for OM as I had no idea what would pan out but I knew it said that my relationship was very wrong and finished.

[looop]

Well it was the Christmas do' last night.
And as I predicted; we didn't go anywhere near each other. Apart from a tiny bit of small talk at the bar at the beginning of the evening.
I left earlier than most, and didn't go out of my way to say goodbye to him.

I traveled to the do' with a colleague, who joked about how much we argue, and if I can remember rightly; alluded 'you know what's going on'. I played dumb, and he laughed and said he didn't know. He was probably just winding me up. But it makes me wonder if he has said anything to him, about our 'temperamental' relationship

I found it very hard to watch him with others, being really pally and giving lots of hugs. And not even have an attempt from him to at the least chat. He from what I saw, literally talked to everyone other than me. But yes, I didn't approach him either.

I ended up being quite tearful as I traveled home. Not helped by alcohol of course.
My low self esteem has definitely been highlighted, I feel I looked awful last night. I wasn't happy with my outfit, my make up, my hair... etc! I like I looked a right state.

Feeling quite emotionally fragile today. And like a complete fool.

[AlwaysMessingUp]

@looop well done for not approaching him and getting through it!

[looop]

Thank you AlwaysMessingUp that is too kind of you!

I'll admit, I came so close to saying goodbye. But I thought; what's the point? Why say goodbye to someone you haven't had a single conversation with all night. He wouldn't have cared.

I'm the lowest I've felt in a long time. I think last night, proved to me he doesn't care. And that's what hurts most. Because I clearly do.

[strawberry2017]

How did the gala go OP?
X

[FestiveFavourites]

@looop you sound very despondent. Don't be so hard on yourself. It almost sounds like he was taunting you by chatting to, and hugging, everyone else and not you. He sounds calculating and cruel - if he has any idea of your feelings for him, that is. Hold your head high, you've done nothing wrong.

[looop]

FestiveFavourites Yeah I am, not in a good place today. This isn't solely because of last night, but of course it hasn't helped.

I've never told him how I feel. But he must have a feeling, for the emotional blackmail I get from him alone! He makes a lot of 'seeking' comments, where he is looking for a reaction or a certain response. But I never take the bait.

The fact alone; that he supposedly sees me as a real friend, his behaviour last night wasn't particularly 'friend' like. Ridiculous to think, as I left work yesterday he asked how I was getting there, and what I was wearing, not to be late.. etc!

I guess although as I've previously said; I myself have drawn the line, this in a twisted way, will help with that. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I've got so much else I need to be putting my energies into.
Chin up

Thank you for kind words.

[Macandcheeseplease]

@looop it sounds to me like he was trying to keep away from you - but I would assume that could be because he does like you. He probably realises that a christmas do, with alcohol, makes for a dangerous situation, and is trying to be sensible about it all and keep his distance??

[Mrticklelives]

@looop I think you did really well and accomplished going without turning it into a thing. At least that allows you to save face.

I feel like he was avoiding you because of the potential drama. Maybe that's how my friend feels when I blank him. But I'm doing it for a good reason.

The gala was very successful. He came for some of the night but I don't think that was for me.

It was very awkward for me. I relaxed when he left but of course I missed him.

I did something I never do and I messaged him on a pretense about some award I had left for him. He messaged back politely but it wasn't like conversational at all.

I freaked out at this point, obviously that was so dumb! I switched off my phone so no more drunk messaging.

Had a little cry on my own at some point in the night but no-one noticed. I really missed having him around.

I have to see him for some admin on Monday and I'm bricking it. I feel like it was massively obvious from the texting and I've blatantly crossed a line he doesn't want to cross.

I don't know what to do next. I've got some negotiations in 6 months time, which means I can potentially leave my hobby then. I'll be out thousands but I think it will be a nice clean state. I'm getting frustrated with myself being such fucking div over this dude.

The only other option is to go nuclear. Not an option.

I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he thought of me.

[looop]

Mrticklelives Really pleased to hear the gala went well.
Oh no! How easily done though. Similarly, we don't have any communication other than face to face. Again it's a line we just don't cross. Admittedly mostly down to him. But well done for switching your phone off, and regaining control!

I'm sure Monday won't be as bad as you think. He probably won't mention the messaging.
I'm sorry to hear you cried, I was awful. But I know the alcohol didn't help.

Well the next few months can be a chance to think things over.
Has he shown any signs he knows?

Thank you. Funnily enough I'm working with the colleague I traveled with on Friday night, and he's made a couple of comments, and asked lots of questions about the night.

I'm not sure why he did. The self loathing part of me, thinks it's because he knows, and wanted to avoid me as he doesn't feel the same.
I've crucified myself over this.

Macandcheeseplease Possibly? But then that was what I was doing too. Not because I thought something would happen, but more that I felt I'd spill my heart out, or look like an idiot. Plus I hated the way I looked, and didn't want him to see me close up.

[bathwaterblues]

So I thought I'd come back and update.

Loop and OP I am so sorry you've both had a tough time at your events. It's such a horrid feeling, I do feel for both of you

My situation is still roughly the same - dh wants to work on things and has booked a weekend away. I'm trying to reconnect with him and get back the love I've lost. He's promising the earth and being very attentive and helpful. I wonder how long it will last.
He's still hopeful we will patch things up, has a relate session booked, plans for the future etc. I am less sure but going along with it as I can't see a way out which doesn't leave heartbroken husband and kids.

OM rang me last week to see how I was and to apologise for his disappearing act. He said he freaked and was worried about dh finding him and causing trouble etc.
We have messaged sporadically since then - nothing in particular.

Then today he messaged me a lot and we ended up back on old shaky ground. I instantly lost the desire to patch things up with dh. This man has such an effect on me.
The attraction and connection is still there, he says he can't sleep for thinking of me.
We need to have a proper talk but last time we both said we didn't want to cause pain for our families so I don't know how anything can be different.

It's so hard. I can't think of anything but him.
It's been good for the diet tho! Lost heaps of weight!

[IndecentFeminist]

Honestly? You need to leave your husband. The poor chap is dancing the 'pick me' frantically and you are still messaging the man you cheated on him with.

[FestiveFavourites]

@bathwaterblues you have got to decide what you want out of life. You can't tell your husband you want to rekindle your marriage, get the spark back, go to counselling, arrange fun things to do with him - when it's blatantly obvious your heart lies elsewhere.

Surely it would be kinder to your husband to tell him that the marriage is over, and that there is no going back.You can coparent the children amicably, don't fake it and pretend all is well in your marriage, it's so deceitful.

End your marriage and make a fresh start with the man you are in love with.

[IndecentFeminist]

But bear in mind that you don't know this other chap, not really. You've met him once or twice, and there is no indication that he wants a serious relationship anyway.

[MsDogLady]

Bathwater, you are still cheating and treating your DH with disrespect and.contempt.

[bathwaterblues]

I didn't sleep much last night.

I'm back to feeling bloody awful again so I know what I have to do. I'm going to speak to OM today and tell him no more contact. I have too much to lose.

And you are right it's not fair to dh. I'm being selfish and treating him like shit.

[AlwaysMessingUp]

@Mrticklelives how are things? I really empathise with you at the moment.

I am giving serious thought to quitting my hobby in Jan. I think a clean break will be painful as hell in the short term but allow me to get over this ridiculous situation more swiftly.

@bathwaterblues no contact sounds like the way forward. Brave choice but as you say, this can't carry on.

[FestiveFavourites]

@bathwaterblues if you seriously intend to end things forever with the other man, you're going to have to change things so there's no accidentally on purpose meetings or conversations to keep the crush going. Remember the 4 month rule. Starve the crush of any attention and by March/April 2020, you will be free.

[AlwaysMessingUp]

This is very good advice @FestiveFavourites. Exactly the approach I need to adopt.