How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

bathwaterblues I totally get your latest posts. Can relate to the description of a dead marriage. Maybe there is merit in another posters suggestion of getting some counselling for yourself to help you unravel your feelings? It’s probably impossible to take this new man out of the equation but that’s what you need to do. Honestly, you’re on such a slippery slope if you don’t stop now. This stage is utterly intoxicating and very very hard to walk away from, especially when you’ve been starved of love/affection/intimacy for a prolonged period. I wish you well. This stuff is so hard.

I don't know how to stop? I've never felt like this about anyone and I don't want to give him up

I'm a walking bloody cliche. He'll probably never leave his wife and I'll be devestated.

I get it, OP. I feel bloody BEHOLDEN to my crush. I'm single but he's married and unlike yours, haven't overtly shown that level of interest, though did appear to feel the connection to start with, a loto f eye contact etc. There as no affair.
For a while he's distanced himself, i assume so that not to rock the boat of his )not yet that long ) marriage. I first thought he just dislikes me now, but when I saw him last there was eye contact and he winked at me when no one was looking with a kind of 'I like you' vibe. And although I've managed to cut down on social media contact, I still have not got the strength to completely go NC. I love his mind, I always want to respond to whatever he's saying, I don't get bored, I don't put him on a pedestal - it's just interesting and feels like 'home' to me.

So in your case, when it's so fresh and reciprocal and promising, I can see you have no chance. I do agree you need to split with dh and leave the loveless marriage, he may or may not do the same.

bathwater I meant it actually as a response to your post, but applies to OP too.

*hasn't shown

@bathwaterblues I could’ve written your posts. You’ve known him for a week.. that’s not long at all. You know that. I thought I had the most intense connection with the OM I had my emotional affair with.

My counsellor explained that my friend had tapped into all that was missing from my marriage, the feelings of being wanted, being found sexy and the constant attention. It became an addiction very quickly.

Our messages went on for months, years, we met once more and kissed, all the feelings seemed to be there. BUT when push came to shove, it was clear he was and is NEVER going to end his marriage. He still after three years texts me good morning everyday and we talk every night. Even with this seemingly strong bond, it’s not enough.

It’s a story we read about so often on here too.

You need to cut contact with this man, explain how you feel and seek counselling. Decide whether your marriage can be saved and if not take steps to split. Maybe he’ll do the same, maybe he won’t. But having an affair will cause you the greatest pain to all concerned. I’ve cried so much over these years, I’ve been distant from my family, the friends who know are angry with me and their loyalty is with my DH. They tell me I’m wasting my time with him and should be focusing on my marriage.

Carrying on this friendship with the OM will lead one way... to heartbreak.

Absolutely no judgement from me, obviously!! Just speaking from experience.

Bathwaterblues

Firstly you need to admit that you are having an affair. You are in an emotional affair currently.

You need to slow yourself down. As a bloke, I know what men are like and to be honest he won’t even be thinking about leaving his wife at this stage. Look at how this has affected you? It won’t have affected him the same way. He will be thinking about how he takes it to the next step. His goal at this stage will be to get you into bed.

Men rarely leave their wives and it usually isn’t because they are madly in love with them. It’s because they don’t want to leave their kids. Does he have any?

Op I think you are overthinking it...nothing has happened, he hasn't done anything...all this is building in your mind to be more than it is...

@Zzzz19 Is right. He will be thinking differently to you, despite what he might tell you.

I know that my friend is in an unhappy marriage, possibly abusive and that’s not what he told me, He never ever mentions his wife... it’s from two of our very close friends. They’re reliable so I do believe them. Yet still he wouldn’t leave, because of his children and pressure to keep parents happy. He can have his cake and eat it too, he texts me when he’s bored, gets his boost and carries on life as normal.

I have reduced contact and am working hard on sorting myself out and getting over this for good. Don’t be me... I think you’re so brave to admit that you’re u happy and you’re right if you have these feelings it’s a sign that possibly your marriage is over.

@bathwaterblues The more you write about your feelings and your marriage, the clearer it becomes that it really isn't about this particular man at all. If it wasn't him it would be someone else at some point because I sense this situation is down to how you feel about your marriage and yourself.

It is the same for me. Your description of your marriage sounds a lot like mine! We are a great team, good friends and parent well together. But at the moment, that's it. My "thing" (whatever the hell it is!) with this woman is not actually really about her, it is about me feeling crap about myself and my life. She represents what I don't have - freedom (she has no kids), spontaneity, disposable income, time to really take care of herself, she's incredibly fit and sporty etc. So it's not really about her. It's not really about him for you either.

Similar happened to me about 10 years ago, so I am well on the other side now.

Guy from work in a long term relationship with a woman there. We were in the same dept and he was an acquaintance. His gf left and we moved to the same team and still nothing amazing.
After almost a year he started coming to break at the same time. If we had a meeting he'd sit next to me. It was only then I noticed how nice he was.
I was also in a LTR of around 8 years.

After a work night out, which was like nobody else was even there it kicked off big time.
The attraction was obvious and we'd have breaks and lunches together, emailing all day. We started discussing our wedding and children FFS! He broke up with his gf and moved out.
I would wake in the night with butterflies at the thought of seeing him and find he'd text me minutes before doing the same thing! Crazy and totes meant to be!

After 2 weeks or so we kissed and eventually slept together.
I told my bf my feelings had changed but felt trapped in a rental agreement for a year. Home wasn't nice.

I was much younger then and it all felt so right so I rarely thought about my boyfriend.
After 6 weeks it fizzled out. He moved back in with his gf.
My bf had checked out.
Ultimately me and my bf broke up and I'm so glad because (as MN has shown me!) he was narcissistic and emotionally abusive.

For a year or so work guy would act all jealous if I went out and met someone now I was single, it was a total head fuck. I was totally naive and needed him to say yes, I want you or no, I don't. His actions said both.

Anyway, this is long enough, but he is still with his gf and I'm happily married.

I send the odd FB message maybe yearly just to say hi, but that's it.

I still have very fond feelings for him though and if he showed up at my door, single and declaring love I'd tell him where to go although it would be tough!

I’m so grateful for this thread. Hearing the stories of pooky and leslie are really helpful to me right now because I’ve literally this week pulled the plug on my relationship. I’m in an absolute pit but know that this time I have to walk away. I feel utterly used. It was all about the chase and the conquest for him. As soon as he knew he had me hook line and sinker he decided he could never leave. It seems like that’s a familiar pattern. For me, I thought I’d properly fallen in love and even now, whilst I can see all his faults laid bare, I still want him and to share the life that he leads because it’s so much easier and happier than the one I have.

So please bath take notice. You’ve had some good advice on here. You need to decide what you really want and you can’t work on that sensibly whilst you have the full cocktail of intense attraction chemicals taking over your brain! If it’s meant to be with him at some point it will be but not right now, not in the situation you’re both in. You’re setting yourself, your DH and your kids up for a world of pain if you don’t walk away.

Thank you everyone for your messages. It's really helped to read all the good advice and it's clear what I have to do.

I'm going to wait until after Xmas and tell dh I want to leave. Hopefully the house sale will be through by then and we can both go our separate ways. I can support myself and the dc. They are used to not seeing dh that much due to his work.

I can't stay. I've cheated. Physically or not I have done it. I'm going behind his back and I hate myself for it. I'm such an idiot.

If I feel like this about someone else - and you are right whoever said it could be anyone- not just this man - then my marriage is over.

I'll update in the new year if you are all still around.

@bathwaterblues Please don't rush into anything.
I was totally going to leave my husband a couple of months ago as I was so in love with this woman and it's been going for over a year.
Now I am not so sure what I want to do.
I saw my crush today - and she is so wonderful and I defo would not kick her out of bed.. But I am more in control of my feelings now and I am no longer dying inside every moment that I spend without her. I see that life with her would not be all rainbows and unicorns. I see that maybe there is a way I can get my marriage to work again. I can try at least. Also I am having counselling.
My point is - sleep on it. And then sleep on it again. Don't just decide to leave your husband because your head is in the clouds.

@ilovenutellaaaaa I don't think his girlfriend would consider it 'nothing' so I would consider it something.

@bathwaterblues, I'm glad you've got a plan to do something about your marriage. This thing with your old school friend seems really out of the blue but if you've been unhappy for so long.

I need time to digest what's been happening but I just can't get it.

It really is out of the blue. Totally unexpected!! I've never so much as glanced at another man it's just not who I am.

And now it's worse. We met last night and one thing led to another. (As you all knew it would).

I just can't keep away from him, I feel like I have no choice but to keep heading down this path. And of course I know that's nonsense. But I can't stop. It's actually quite scary how intense it is and how out of control I feel.

What have I done

You have opened up a huge can of worms Bathwater and no going back from this now. You need to have the discussion soon as you are now in affair territory.

You can stop what you are doing but your marriage does sound over to me regardless.

@bathwaterblues you slept with him?! Has it been a week and u need you met?

I hope you're okay. What always stopped me from taking it this far, is how awful you must feel right now.

What this OM want to do?

Yes I feel like shit. I'm having an affair. What a fucking awful thing to do to my dh. I'm so ashamed.

I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was looking down watching someone else wreck my life

I swear to god the pull this man has is like nothing else. I can't think of anything but him.

The thing that scares me most is that if I don't do something I may never feel like this again in my life.

I don't want to have an affair but I can't stay away from him.

I'm a truly awful person and so ashamed

Can of worms? More like venomous snakes.

I can't do anything while it's Christmas I can't upset my children now but we need to discuss what we are going to do next.

I know what I want. And he says he wants me - but when push comes to shove who knows what he will do.

I'd be asking him to leave his children and his home and lose friends and maybe family. Who knows what he will decide

How can either of you possibly know that you want to leave for each other? You don’t know each other. You don’t know each other’s children or families. The attraction I felt to my ‘ex’ was like no other I’d ever experienced in my life. I still think about him most of every day, 3 years in and after having been treated terribly. I can’t explain that either because it defies logic just like your situation. But, please please stop to consider what you’re risking in terms of everyone else’s happiness. There’s 2 families who might be wrecked by this scenario. You have to have more to go on than just a couple of meetings surely. I say that as someone who does understand the power of that illicit attraction especially after being denied intimacy for so long. And I mean intimacy on all levels not just sex obviously. Good luck I do understand how hard this is.

It's over
I told him to stop contact and confessed to dh. I couldn't take the guilt any longer

It's been a sleepless night and I think my marriage is over

@bathwaterblues how are you feeling now? What happened when you confessed? Thinking of you.

Why does it need to be over, bath? for now yes, but as you've rightly confessed to dh straight away, you can deal with the fallout and then renew what you've started. Obvoiusly if he does the same on his end.
Why lose a good thing since your marriage broke down anyway - it's a hard to find a connection like this.

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