How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

I'm very interested in the idea that OP should discuss with her DP.
This should be something we can delicately, carefully, sensitively broach with our DPs. On one hand we need to discuss so that we can address what is missing from our actual relationship, to understand what makes a fantasy relationship so compelling. On the other hand to talk about these guilt-laden feelings appropriately is a minefield but an act of trust in DPs. Exploring these feelings also helps dispel them...

I have said several time that I don't agree with the concept of limerance. I enjoy the psychology behind it but I think it's a way for people to excuse their poor behavior.
Essentially, it's just lust.

@pollyfeather
I believe that thread was pulled because there were people who were actively trying to spilt up the relationship of their 'crush'. And constructing ways to bump into them, maybe stalking, I'm not sure.

Noone on this thread is doing that. I don't want to be equated anyone here with that type of behavior because it's not the same level. I have definitively said that I have reduced all contact to the bare minimum. No one has said that they are planning to cheat or anything even remotely close to what was going on on that other thread. We are finding this helpful because it's a taboo subject that we want to discuss with other people in the same circumstances.

We have had comments from people that have split up with the current spouse and embarked on new relationships and we have had people that walked away from the their attractions. All different experiences, all equally valid. That's why this thread is helpful. So I don't agree that we need 'stopping in our tracks'.

People have different opinions on fate and woo, I appreciate the comments like 'get a grip, get a new hobby'. It's not doable (believe what you will)but it provides perspective.

I tend to comment when I feel weak so I don't act on my emotions in real life.

I could talk to my partner about this and I know the outcome. Understandably he would be very upset. If there were active attempts to reciprocate from my friend, then I would discuss it because I would need to make a decision on who to choose effectively. As it stands, any decision I take now is solely on the basis of my own feelings. If the fact that I'm having feelings for other people means that I no longer love my partner or I've checked out, then only I can decide that now.

@looop I'm with you. Totally.

@doublebarrellednurse your post was particularly helpful. I am actively investing and putting effort into my relationship. I take comfort in what you said about the feelings going away. I think it will take more time than I originally thought. Agree about the minutiae of his life. The 'connection' we had/have is no reflection of how things would work day to day. I am aware of that thanks for the reminder.

@oxfordcat I appreciate your comments. I think your thinking is very black and white.

I wonder how some posters would feel if there partner came to them and told them they have a crush on someone else. Would you just clap your hands and say okay, let's split up?

The act of trust comment really resonates. Maybe that's the way to go. Still processing.

I think what I've said is essentially along the same lines of @doublebarrellednurse but I've probably worded it more bluntly.

Of course it's an act of trust. If you can't show the respect due your DP and be honest with him about your feelings then you are not investing in that relationship or giving him any credit whatsoever, and as such that relationship will whither, just like a neglected plant. if you establish that in an ideal world you want to remain with your partner and you want that relationship to be a happy one, then this step has to happen. Obviously if you're actually hoping you'll get together with the crush then the actions are different.

A partner may react in any number of ways and that's not something you can control. But if you want an authentic, meaningful relationship with him then you have to give him the opportunity to hear about what's been going on for you, and you have to be able to be vulnerable in front of each other. This also gives the two of you the opportunity to reflect on and address your relationship, and honestly assess the 'gaps' which have enabled this crush to creep in. You never know, your partner may have his own disclosures to make and this conversation could be transformative.

I do believe and know from past experience that if you do succeed in having a healthy adult discussion about this and that following that the two of you willingly and happily make steps to invest in the relationship, that the crush feelings for the third party will miraculously subside.

Just found this thread, with some relief. This is also me. Must sleep now but will be back!

I also recommend not just friends to help you see it's nothing special and text book stuff pre affair...stay away as you have been.

I have been dipping in and out of this thread so my contribution might be out of synch with where the thread has got to, but from what I can tell the question of OP discussing her feelings with her partner has now arisen. In an ideal world, I think we should be able to share these feelings with our long-term partners; as has been said – this is an act of trust and deep exploration and that could well bring greater understanding between you. But the decision of whether or not to share has to be based on an assessment of your partner's ability to receive this information because they can't unknow what has been shared. Frankly, I think it's pretty normal to be attracted to other people – isn't this what's behind the commitment in the vow to forsake all others i.e. that some discipline and restraint might be involved? As others have said – it is what you do about the feelings that count. I had a very fortunate experience of this. About 10 years into my relationship with my DP (now DH), I developed very strong feelings for a colleague with whom I worked closely at the time – definitely more than a crush; felt more like being in love. It took me completely by surprise as I had never fallen for someone so deeply outside a relationship. It was a painful experience but I also learned heaps from it – including that it in no way diminished my feelings for my DP. It was very clear to me that I had no wish to leave him and still loved him very much. It was equally clear to me that the intensity of what I was feeling was significantly increased by the romance of the forbidden and had no 'real-life' basis. But the feelings were very strong. For about 6 months, I tried to stifle my feelings for my colleague and this resulted in me shutting down generally. To be honest, I didn't massively notice this – at the time, my DP and I were both busy with work and young DC which took up a lot of energy anyway, but after some months of this, my partner raised his concern that I did seem to have turned off somewhat. Fortunately, I had confidence that my DP would be able to hear about the feelings which I had developed. We talked about it. He took it totally in his stride because he had deep confidence in the strength of our relationship as, in fact, did I. And I began to relax about the whole thing and, well, turned back on - frankly, if anything, it gave a bit of renewed zest to our sex life. The man in question remained blithely unaware of what I was feeling in his vicinity and over time the feelings faded. It took about 2 years for them to go entirely but they did.

Whether I want to or not, it seems inevitable. Like it's being driven by gut instinct not even my desire.

It isn't, and I would strongly resist the temptation to think that it is. That way lies absolving yourself of responsibility. If anything happened between you, it would be because you'd chosen to make it happen.

Here is what happened to me recently:

I had a huge huge crush on a lady. Pure hell for over a year.

Anyway, it is slowly going away now! I saw her today and realised that I no longer am in love with her. Which is such a relief! She is still wonderful and so so beautiful... But I don't have the need for her anymore.

However, I find myself thinking of her purely out of habit. I am used to having a crush on her, feeling butterflies every time I see her; I am used to suffering and heartache these feelings bring me. And I cling on to that crush! How crazy is that?

But I'm trying to be kind to myself and not rush anything and let my feelings die naturally. I am a little bit grieving for the relationship I never had and the love that never was.
However, I am slowly becoming free of her and the feeling is amazing.

Hang in there guys, there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

We've hung out a bit since I last posted, walking to and from events. It's helped take some of the mystery and romance out of it, he's just a normal guy.

We have a gala type thing coming up for Xmas. Pretty sure he's going and there will be drinks so I'm sending danger.

Mrticklelives In the same boat... Christmas do' is in a couple of weeks.
I'm very anxious about it. I'm a bit of a lightweight, and do intend to give him a widebirth on the night (as I am trying to anyway!). But I am very scared I'm going to do or say something I may regret (I'm thinking it will most likely be the latter).
I'm even agonising over what I'm going to wear, for fear of looking like I'm 'trying to hard'
But at the same time; I want to look my best! Far too much headspace is going into this I know.
I've recently returned to work after a week or so off. I thought through things a lot whilst I was away. A lot of back and forth in mind.
I'm still not much clearer, but did manage to say to myself I need to actively put more effort into keeping my distance.
It hasn't gone so well, but it could have gone worse. Though it does seem like he is more distant, when we are together he has said and done little things that have left in a tizz!
He tried to imply that I had missed him when I was away (well in fact he just said it!)
And today as I walked past, he tenderly rubbed the top of my arm with the back of his hand...
I know that sounds like ridiculous teenage nonsense. But in the context of our relationship, it's these moments, that I end up going over and over in my head. My friend who is the only person I talk this over with, says it is his way of testing the water, his way of trying to get me to admit my feelings. Who knows.
At least things seem a bit calmer for you. How are you feeling about the gala? Apart from the worry of something happening!

@looop I'm nervous. The planning is fine. But I'm also worried about what to wear and trying too hard etc.

I'm surprised that this guy touched you?!

I can handle my drink and I'm not planning to spend too much time with him. He tends to get quite drunk, then he'll make comments and overshare, get handsy. We normally go home together. My plan is to shoot him down if this happens and keep it platonic.

Will that work for you?

Mrticklelives I'm just going to have to make sure I keep away from him. 'Mingle' with the others, I have plenty of other work friends' and am pretty popular within the group, so I'm sure I can find entertainment elsewhere (big head!)
I do like to drink though, I'm a bit of teenager when it comes to that!

Ah that's pretty normal for us. I think it was a weird way of acknowledging 'us' during the mundane and busyness of work. Our tactile ways have recently ramped up, we've had times when we're talking and we've loosely held hands (like it's the most normal thing in the world!) and a couple of weeks ago, he was egging me on to touch his beard. I ended up cupping/stroking the side of his face... looking into each other's eyes. It was definitely a 'moment' lasting seconds, but asked if I liked it, to which of course I said 'yeah'. Without romanticising everything, it's not the behaviour of colleagues or friends and I know that.
Sometimes it can feel like such a slippery slope, then at other times I wonder if he cares at all.
We do talk relatively openly about our relationships, which makes question what's going on. And that I've simply got it wrong.
Sorry to go on. It's dangerous territory for sure.
The agonising over outfits/mixed signals continues!

Ah. @Mrticklelives @looop everything you guys are saying rings so true. Weve got out work do next week and I'm feeling a weird sense of push/pull about the whole thing. I want to see him and spend time with him because I enjoy his company, but also know that it's a recipe for something happening that shouldn't so really we need to keep away from one another.

How long will these feelings go on for?! I honestly can't see an end to this.

Macandcheeseplease I feel exactly the same way.
I know I must keep away from him. I've decided I'm still going to wear what I normally would on an occasion like this, and not worry what he thinks!
Ah I don't know. I know I'm in love with him, and I think I'm always going to be (a little at least) he's meant so much to me. It's pants.

How long will it go on for? I have felt this this for over 5 years. I'm really sad about it. No relationship on my side, but he has a partner.
I'm not a stupid romantic but I find it impossible to get away from.

It's just such a shitty situation isn't it.

I'm sure that if me and this guy had met 15 years ago we'd have had the opportunity to explore things properly. As it is we can't. So I'm stuck feeling ridiculously intense feelings for someone, knowing that nothing can ever happen.

To @looop @Mrticklelives @awishes and anyone else going through this - do you think about the other person ALL the time? I feel like I do. I mean, there are periods where I don't but for a large part of the time he is in the back of my mind. Even when i don't want him to be!

Apart from when I'm working yes! I have a very full on job! I physically shake when he contacts me after I haven't heard from him in a while, I've never experienced anything like it.

@Macandcheeseplease i do but I try to think of him as a friend. Then I'm like a friend wondering what another friend is doing rather than pining.

The most confusing thing for me is that we can spend so much time together alone and it's just friends.

Then it switches so quickly when other people are around. The looks we give each other are intense. I was sat down last week and turned to look at something, and he was walking towards me with a goofy smile. It was well cute. But we are more controlled when we are alone.

Macandcheeseplease All the time. He's always there in the back of my mind, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
I've kind of accepted it. It doesn't stop me from carrying on from the day to day. The thoughts are more intrusive when I'm at work, but that's because he's there, and I know at any second I could 'bump' into him.
We're kind of the opposite Mrticklelives. It's very intense when we are alone, but when others are around, we can barely acknowledge each other! I mean not always, because sometimes it can be like we forget everyone else is around. But without being too outing, we work in a busy setting where we dealing with members of the public all the time. So a level of professionalism is required.!

I think it's because we are more relaxed with each other than we are with other but we're not comfortable showing it to them.

Do you work in retail @looop?
Do you think they think about us? They really shouldn't. Although I wish I could just tell him how I feel and I shouldn't/ couldn't.

Mrticklelives No not retail, a health setting
I don't know, you think when the signs are there, that they must do.
I've often wondered if I should just say how I feel. Not to pursue anything, but so that he can understand why I find our supposed 'friendship' so difficult. That I could use it as a time to draw the line 'officially' and distance myself.
I'm sure if he didn't reciprocate my feelings, he would give me a widebirth!
I find it so hard. I don't want lose our friendship, and what we do have. I think that's actually what stops me the most. I don't want things to be 'weird'. We have to work together. And I love my job. I've seen time and time again, situations like this blow up.
And I know it will be that gets hurt. I already am.

If you look in to limerence the advice is to tell the other person how you feel to get it out in the open.
What have you got to lose.

awishes I have read up on limerence after seeing the term on MN and not hearing it before.
And no, I don't believe what I am going through is limerence. But I do think I have in the past, when I was a lot younger, and didn't really know what I was doing . I can quite clearly tell the difference now.
What have I got to lose? Plenty! Someone, that underneath all the blurred lines, is a person I value greatly. Someone who's made me realise what a real friend is. I met this guy, whilst I was still trying to get over a really hard time in my life. My belief in people was at all time low. It took me some time to realise it, but he's been there all along. I have never been anything other than myself with him. That means so much to me, as someone who's gone through life feeling the need to adjust myself to meet others needs/expectations.
Not to mention having to deal with the humiliation, when he'll no doubt say the line; 'I'm very flattered... but' (Even though he knows full well, that we're not 'just friends'). Or it coming back to either of our partners.
I can't put myself through the pain

@awishes If I talk to him, all hell will break loose and it will strongly impact on our friendship.

@looop you sound like I felt when I first posted this. You're in a holding state, but truly, even if he does confirm how you both feel what difference would it make? You can't be together.

I tried to think about that final sentence a lot because whatever route, that's always going to be the outcome.

Everything else is just destruction.

I'm in a very similar situation, albeit a very new one.

I went out at the weekend and met an old school friend I hadn't seen for years. No past history etc.

We got on really really well, chatted all night and it became clear we were really attracted to each other. The way he looked at me sent shivers down my spine, even now thinking about it.

We are both married with kids and nothing happened, I went home and the next day got a Facebook message and we've been messaging since.

I desperately want to meet up with him as I can't stop thinking about him. I've never felt like this about anyone in my 20 years of marriage and whilst my own relationship isn't fireworks it's not unhappy either.

I just can't understand why I'm feeling like this. It was one evening and yet I'm like a love struck teenager.

We have decided to meet for coffee next week to discuss how we feel as he says he can't stop thinking about me either.

I could cancel or refuse to go but I won't. I'm risking everything I have - for what? I'm usually a sensible person but I just have this feeling that what if? What if he is the one, what if life is too short to muddle along and not be truly happy. I'm not prepared to have an affair or be anyone's bit on the side. And splitting up two families would be insane. So why can't I let it go and block him?

I'm like a mad woman at the moment trying to keep sane and not cry!

No judgements please I just needed to tell someone.