How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

[looop]

KirstyHasLeft Yikes! I'm pleased to say; I don't think I will be in court any time soon for my feelings
Also; I've never watched Fatal Attraction... maybe I should?!
Hope you're ok.


Macandcheeseplease I can resonate so much with what your saying. Though I've got to go that little bit longer without seeing him. But similarly, I'm hoping it will actually help me to get my head straight. And let the dust settle a bit between us.
The tension between us, has apparently been noted by colleagues. Which isn't great. I've seen some good advice on another thread, which I'm going to take into the new year.

God, I'm missing him already. I really wish we could rewind the clock a little. We were in such a good place a couple of months ago. I'm really missing the friendship, the laughter. Being so comfortable around each other. Something has changed

[KirstyHasLeft]

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7816391/Mother-38-stalked-sons-teacher-developing-Fatal-Attraction-style-obsession-him.html

This is when a crush becomes a problem.. I think the lady has some other issues though.

Hugs to you all and hope we can have a peaceful Christmas!

[Macandcheeseplease]

Hope everyone is doing ok. Things seem to intensify in the run up to Christmas, don't they. The guy I like has finished work now for 2 weeks so I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo position. Can't bear the thought of not speaking to him for 2 weeks but maybe that will help clear my head a bit?? It's the thought of him doing all christmassy family stuff that is really bothering me, which of course is highly unreasonable. I'm trying to focus on doing things with my DH but my mind is definitely distracted. It's crazy. I feel like crying about the whole sorry situation but I'm also pre menstrual so wonder if that isn't helping either.

Such a difficult time of year. I just want to be able to enjoy the christmas period with my family and be satisfied and happy with that. Why is it so hard??

Hope everyone else is keeping strong.

[FestiveFavourites]

@queenbeeof3

I honestly think it's best to avoid the work Christmas party when you have strong feelings for someone inappropriate. Just think of the beer fear on Monday if you went, had a few glasses of wine, and did something regrettable. You've done the right thing in staying home. Be kind to yourself and be proud of yourself for putting your family first.

[looop]

bathwaterblues Well done, you seem to be moving forwards and thinking rationally. I salute you. All the best for the future.

queenbeeof3 I very wise decision on your part. I wish I didn't go last week. Though nothing happened, and I managed to 'save face' I'd do anything to not feel the way I do now.
Going and being avoided, by the one person I crave the attention of more than anyone or anything else has been soul destroying. It's really highlighted my insecurities and extreme low self esteem.
I think either way, if you went or you didn't, you're not going to feel great.

Mrticklelives Where are you?! I hope you're ok.

Well today, was the last time I will see him for a month. And we didn't exchange a single word. He went early, something had apparently come up. I got told by said colleague (who talked about our relationship last week).
He tried to talk to me yesterday, asking if I was ok. I answered honestly, and said 'no not really'. Asked if there was anything he could help with, and I told him not be silly. Again asked if I wanted to talk about anything, but I said no. He looked disappointed.
He obviously knew I wasn't going to give in, so moved conversation on to my plans for Christmas and asked when I finish. So he knew today was going to be the last time we would see each other for some time.

I do feel sad and disappointed. I would have at least liked to have said goodbye. I've even pondered giving him a message.... a line we don't cross.

Stupid, stupid idea and not an option.

[queenbeeof3]

I need to give an update as well...I thought I was doing very well lately but today I'm feeling so gutted...it's our workplace xmas party and I'm not going. I cowardly declined the party because I can't trust myself around him let alone in a party under the effect of alcohol...
I made the decision of not going so I can keep myself together and my family unaffected...but I can't help feeling I'm missing out on the opportunity to be with him...I keep daydreaming of what could've been tonight and the feeling of loss is unbelievable... this is difficult.
Stay strong ladies...we'll come out safely on the other side, eventually.
Have a great Xmas everyone!

[bathwaterblues]

MrsElbaTheSecond I just wanted to say thank you for your posts these past two weeks. It's been really good to have someone to talk to and not to be judged.
Your advice has been spot on and I really appreciate it. Thank you 🌷

I'm going to leave this thread now as I want to make a fresh start but thanks to everyone who gave me advice and a kick up the butt when I needed it the most.

When I read back what I've written I feel like such a idiot - bloody star crossed lovers - jeez what was I thinking. Obviously I wasn't.

I've treated dh so badly and I will make this right if I can. I'll try to rebuild what we had and if I can't I will leave and make sure things are amicable for the children.

Good luck to everyone else going through this awful time and I hope you can clear your heads over Christmas and get out from under the crush spell!

[MrsElbaTheSecond]

Good luck @bathwaterblues I’m glad you’ve got this chance. He sounds like a bit of a nightmare with his to’ing and fro’ing so far. He’s done the right thing but I bet he’d be back in touch in due course if you hadn’t deleted each other’s contact info. I wish you all the best.

[bathwaterblues]

Good advice thank you and that's exactly what has happened today.

He messaged this morning to say he couldn't do this anymore and was feeling too guilty. Although it hurt it was a relief to have the decision made for me. I cried this morning and then as I thought about it more I realised I don't even know him and it means I can concentrate on my marriage. If it works out then great, if not then I know I have tried.

So numbers deleted and social media profiles too.

Now I don't have any distractions I can focus on him and my family and it feels good.

[MrsElbaTheSecond]

@bathwaterblues without rehashing my story, I’ve been where you are and understand that sense that you have to be with the OM and the loss of all perspective of time whereby you feel that you have to act on your feelings immediately.

But, as others have said, you have to uncouple him from your situation if you are to give your marriage a fair chance. As you’ve already acknowledged, no sooner has he made contact than your feelings for your DH have changed. I’ve been through this and it destroyed what was left of my marriage. You don’t have to act on your feelings for the OM. He’s not going anywhere. You could go properly NC and throw everything into your marriage and see if it can recover. If you’ve put everything into the process and you still feel the same then, if you decide ultimately that you must leave your marriage, I think you will be able to live with that decision better. If you leave, it has to be for a fresh start, not for the OM. It’s a mutual infatuation only at the moment. The only way to find out if you’re truly compatible is to deceive two families for a long time whilst you work each other and a potential future out. That’s not fair on anyone. You know all this. I know you do. Just hoping hearing from others who fucked it up big time might help!

[bathwaterblues]

Yes I know

Thanks

[IndecentFeminist]

Honestly, you're behaving appallingly. Take some responsibility and stop acting as if the whims of fate control you. You owe your family more.

Take a read through the legions of posts on here from women whose husbands break their hearts by behaving the way you are and stop treating it like a romance novel.

[bathwaterblues]

4 months is a bloody long time!!

I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. We agreed not to have any contact over Xmas as we will both be home with our families and we only speak during work hours.

So hopefully that will be enough for things to fizzle out. 2 weeks seems a long time let alone 4 months!

[looop]

Mrticklelives Hope yesterday went ok??

bathwaterblues Thank you. I hope you can come to the right decision for you. Be it to continue with your marriage or to pursue things with OM.

Today was back to work for me. I am still in a pretty low mood from the weekend, so wasn't particularly looking forward to talk of Friday night or seeing him.
Despite my efforts, I did bump into him a couple of times. He said hello, and gave me his hopeful little smile. It's always the one he gives when he knows I'm upset, and he's trying to get me to talk. He tried to get me to engage in eye contact when walking past at one point, but I just couldn't.
Got me corned a little later on, and insisted on opening a Christmas card together, that had been addressed to us both. He called after me, as I left saying goodbye, but I didn't turn around, just replied and walked off.
How different he can be in this environment, compared to Friday night.
I found out that he got a taxi back with three other female colleagues. People he doesn't apparently consider friends, but that's ok. Though can't have a single conversation with me all night? Someone he supposedly does consider to be a friend? That hurt.

I feel so unworthy. I've only got a couple of days to go, then it's the Christmas break, and he's away for a few weeks over the new year. I think it will work out at about a month of not seeing each other. Despite how I feel right now, I'm dreading it. Though on the other hand knowing it will probably do me some good.

[AlwaysMessingUp]

This is very good advice @FestiveFavourites. Exactly the approach I need to adopt.

[FestiveFavourites]

@bathwaterblues if you seriously intend to end things forever with the other man, you're going to have to change things so there's no accidentally on purpose meetings or conversations to keep the crush going. Remember the 4 month rule. Starve the crush of any attention and by March/April 2020, you will be free.

[AlwaysMessingUp]

@Mrticklelives how are things? I really empathise with you at the moment.

I am giving serious thought to quitting my hobby in Jan. I think a clean break will be painful as hell in the short term but allow me to get over this ridiculous situation more swiftly.

@bathwaterblues no contact sounds like the way forward. Brave choice but as you say, this can't carry on.

[bathwaterblues]

I didn't sleep much last night.

I'm back to feeling bloody awful again so I know what I have to do. I'm going to speak to OM today and tell him no more contact. I have too much to lose.

And you are right it's not fair to dh. I'm being selfish and treating him like shit.

[MsDogLady]

Bathwater, you are still cheating and treating your DH with disrespect and.contempt.

[IndecentFeminist]

But bear in mind that you don't know this other chap, not really. You've met him once or twice, and there is no indication that he wants a serious relationship anyway.

[FestiveFavourites]

@bathwaterblues you have got to decide what you want out of life. You can't tell your husband you want to rekindle your marriage, get the spark back, go to counselling, arrange fun things to do with him - when it's blatantly obvious your heart lies elsewhere.

Surely it would be kinder to your husband to tell him that the marriage is over, and that there is no going back.You can coparent the children amicably, don't fake it and pretend all is well in your marriage, it's so deceitful.

End your marriage and make a fresh start with the man you are in love with.

[IndecentFeminist]

Honestly? You need to leave your husband. The poor chap is dancing the 'pick me' frantically and you are still messaging the man you cheated on him with.

[bathwaterblues]

So I thought I'd come back and update.

Loop and OP I am so sorry you've both had a tough time at your events. It's such a horrid feeling, I do feel for both of you

My situation is still roughly the same - dh wants to work on things and has booked a weekend away. I'm trying to reconnect with him and get back the love I've lost. He's promising the earth and being very attentive and helpful. I wonder how long it will last.
He's still hopeful we will patch things up, has a relate session booked, plans for the future etc. I am less sure but going along with it as I can't see a way out which doesn't leave heartbroken husband and kids.

OM rang me last week to see how I was and to apologise for his disappearing act. He said he freaked and was worried about dh finding him and causing trouble etc.
We have messaged sporadically since then - nothing in particular.

Then today he messaged me a lot and we ended up back on old shaky ground. I instantly lost the desire to patch things up with dh. This man has such an effect on me.
The attraction and connection is still there, he says he can't sleep for thinking of me.
We need to have a proper talk but last time we both said we didn't want to cause pain for our families so I don't know how anything can be different.

It's so hard. I can't think of anything but him.
It's been good for the diet tho! Lost heaps of weight!

[looop]

Mrticklelives Really pleased to hear the gala went well.
Oh no! How easily done though. Similarly, we don't have any communication other than face to face. Again it's a line we just don't cross. Admittedly mostly down to him. But well done for switching your phone off, and regaining control!

I'm sure Monday won't be as bad as you think. He probably won't mention the messaging.
I'm sorry to hear you cried, I was awful. But I know the alcohol didn't help.

Well the next few months can be a chance to think things over.
Has he shown any signs he knows?

Thank you. Funnily enough I'm working with the colleague I traveled with on Friday night, and he's made a couple of comments, and asked lots of questions about the night.

I'm not sure why he did. The self loathing part of me, thinks it's because he knows, and wanted to avoid me as he doesn't feel the same.
I've crucified myself over this.

Macandcheeseplease Possibly? But then that was what I was doing too. Not because I thought something would happen, but more that I felt I'd spill my heart out, or look like an idiot. Plus I hated the way I looked, and didn't want him to see me close up.

[Mrticklelives]

@looop I think you did really well and accomplished going without turning it into a thing. At least that allows you to save face.

I feel like he was avoiding you because of the potential drama. Maybe that's how my friend feels when I blank him. But I'm doing it for a good reason.

The gala was very successful. He came for some of the night but I don't think that was for me.

It was very awkward for me. I relaxed when he left but of course I missed him.

I did something I never do and I messaged him on a pretense about some award I had left for him. He messaged back politely but it wasn't like conversational at all.

I freaked out at this point, obviously that was so dumb! I switched off my phone so no more drunk messaging.

Had a little cry on my own at some point in the night but no-one noticed. I really missed having him around.

I have to see him for some admin on Monday and I'm bricking it. I feel like it was massively obvious from the texting and I've blatantly crossed a line he doesn't want to cross.

I don't know what to do next. I've got some negotiations in 6 months time, which means I can potentially leave my hobby then. I'll be out thousands but I think it will be a nice clean state. I'm getting frustrated with myself being such fucking div over this dude.

The only other option is to go nuclear. Not an option.

I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he thought of me.