I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.
We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.
I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.
He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.
We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.
If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.
The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.
I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.
I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.
But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.
I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?
I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.
He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.
I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.
I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.
I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.
I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?
I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.
How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?
If you read to the end thank you so much.
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Relationships
How long before a crush becomes a problem?
Mrticklelives · 30/10/2019 20:03
Mrticklelives You are so right. I do wish a lot of time he would be honest, and say what he really feels, but as you say it wouldn't change anything if he did reciprocate my feelings. We can't be anything more than we are.
bathwaterblues No judgement from me. I know that if he ever made more of a move, or was more open about he feels, I wouldn't be able to resist.
I too think why have I met this person now, how can I feel so strongly? How can he seem so perfectly matched to me, yet I've been with someone else for years, built a life with that person, but I constantly think about how different things would be with him. And not in a bad way. How awful is that?
I'm not sure if meeting with him, is the best idea, but I can't say I wouldn't do the same 
I went through this in the past when I was in a relationship. I never ever cheated but I thought I was in love with someone else. I thought he was my soulmate. We spoke every day, he was funny, he helped me emotionally and practically.
It made me look at my relationship and realise it was over. I couldn’t stay with him whilst feeling like that about another man. I left and set up on my own.
The friendship continued and I started to think it was inevitable we would get together. I had intense thoughts about him all the time.
A couple of months later I told him how I felt. He told me then, and only then, he had a GF and he was sorry he hadn’t said.
The grieving was absolutely intense. Probably grieving both ‘relationships’. I never regretted my decision to leave my ex at all, it was totally right and I’ve never looked back. Me and the OM have managed to retain a friendship of sorts but nothing like the same as it was.
This post is not at all to judge. I totally understand. I get it. Mine gave me the kick I needed to leave but please anyone thinking of taking this further, it might be based on lies. It probably would be. I don’t regret my crush now (years later) but it was incredibly painful at the time 
@AlwaysMessingUp - I'm at the same stage of things as you now. It is so soul destroying but I'm slowly starting to get out of it.
Took me more than a year and made me realise I am not as straight as I previously thought. But whatever.
Hugs to you 
You too @KirstyHasLeft
In all honesty, it wouldn't be any better or worse if it was a bloke. The whole thing is miserable in any event!
Mrticklelives I don't know if I can get to that, though I'll admit I do occasionally feel a bit smug, when he gives signs he does reciprocate.
But I don't know for sure.
But then I think he must feel something, to have said to me that he keeps his distance from everyone but me. That he has the most 'fun' with me, I'm the only one he 'mucks around with',that I'm the one he comes to talk about personal stuff. He's known in the team as quite flaky and distant. Someone not interested in opening up, yet he's never been like that with me.
I twigged quite early on, that I was getting a different version to what everyone else was. When I relayed this back to my friend, she said it was him telling me that I 'mean something to him' 
Whether that be as a friend, or something more.
I do an awful lot of to-ing and throwing for sure. But as you say; what does it matter? Nothing can change.
Mrticklelives Oh gosh, I can feel the agony!
I'm getting more anxious about next Friday.
Today hasn't been good for me either, and he's not even around! Feeling quite down today about it all, and wondering how I'm going to get over my feelings and stop him having such emotional power over me 
He's so out of reach, I can't even have the friendship I want with him, let alone anything else.
I hope tomorrow is better for you. Try and keep your resolve.
@Mrticklelives I am lost and confused .
I think I'm gay but maybe a little bit bi. I remember being teenager and having crushes on women and thinking -'if only I was gay' but I was adamant I was straight.. hahaha
Anyway, as hellish as this crush has been for me (it nearly cost me my marriage), one thing I have taken from it - I'm not straight and it's ok.
Another thing - my crush clearly liked me back for a while - it gave me some self confidence. If this amazing human saw something in me - even for a little while - not all is lost in my life. Obviously I do realise that she is not that amazing and I am not that rubbish. It's just having this crazy crush on her made me believe that I am not worthy of her attention and someone as awesome as her would never ever look at me twice. Rubbish. She did look at me twice. :)
Anyway, I am slowly weaning myself off her. I saw her today and had the usual feeling of being kicked in the stomach but then I didn't think of her much for the rest of the day. I am so proud of myself for finally coming out on the other end of it!
It feels a little bit like leaving abusive relationship. You know you have to end it but it's still so hard and you don't believe you can do it because you have no strength left in you. But then you do it and it's scary at first but then slowly you start seeing life in all the beautiful colours again. Only then you fully realise what hell you have been through.
To be clear we aren't having an affair. I want to see him again but I don't want to go behind dh's back (again).
I want to end things now. I feel like I shouldn't stay with dh if I can feel so attracted to another man.
But I can't do it to him. And if it's all for nothing then what? I have thrown away a good marriage and made so many people miserable for no good.
It only gives me one option to cut all contact and stay where I am. But what about what I want and how I want to spend the rest of my life? Shouldn't I give it a chance even the teeniest one to be happy?
So confused and guilty
Thanks for your reply. I can't talk to anyone else about this.
I'm so ashamed of what I've done - I've had so many chances to stop messaging him, not to go and meet, not to answer the phone etc etc
I just can't stop myself, it's like I'm drawn to him. I've been shaking all week - my stomach churning and whenever I think about the way he looked at me....well....
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