How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

[Mrticklelives]

Thanks for your stories. I am getting so much comfort from you all going through the same thing.

It's been three weeks since I posted this. I wanted to have an outlet to talk about things. It was also triggered by his partner attending an event we put on. The guilt was so consuming, I was physically ill and left the event early.

@Danielradcliffesperfectarse
I think this is what's going to happen to me if I let things carry on as they are. I'm so sorry you're trapped. I understand the feeling.

I'm so confused about everything still. We have spent some time together as I'm in a senior position in the hobby and I needed his input. I was super matter of fact but when we were done, I said thanks and smiled politely, he turned to look at me and then I saw his expression change for a split second when he smiled back.

The only way I can describe it is that he is melted?! I told myself then that I didn't need him to verbally tell me. It was obvious.

But then we bumped into each other and it was so awkward. Like two people that have nothing to talk about.

I cannot shake the feeling that we will be together at some point. I remember feeling the same when we first met but I was engaged and happy so I shoved it away as nonsense.

Whether I want to or not, it seems inevitable. Like it's being driven by gut instinct not even my desire.

[Danielradcliffesperfectarse]

Its very easy to romanticise the whole thing though. It's chemicals, basically. Serotonin, dopamine...
Because of the glimpses, the barely touching, the little looks... It builds up and you get it into your head that it's special, magical etc...

Not saying it wouldn't be. It was for me. But what isn't special is the crippling guilt, the feeling of constantly wanting to see him, be with him, which when I thought or could tell myself it was only one sided, wasn't so bad. But now I know it's mutual, it's horrible. The whole thing is a total mess. I'm faced with staying with my husband and trying to sort the mess out, but knowing I'll always want the OM.
So I hues if you want it yo stop, tell your DH, face up to the reality of it, then see how it goes.
Or if you can keep it as not real/not act on it, a lovely thing, something you can smile about, that makes you feel good whilst allowing you to go back to your relationship and put effort into that, then do it. I couldn't.

[Danielradcliffesperfectarse]

My typing, sorry!

[Menora]

I had a mutual crush with a married colleague that went on for 5 long years

Nothing happened between us physically . For most of that time it was seeing each other in passing or professionally - like meetings. We didn’t exchange numbers or emails. I had no idea he fancied me but he was very attractive - we hid it. When I left our place of work he got in touch with me and we started a ‘friendship’ - him being married and out of my league and off limits I just thought he was being nice, as we always got along and had a laugh when we bumped into each other. This was naive of me because he then confessed he did have a crush on me. Things went very weird and we had a frank convo about boundaries and we stopped being friends. I then came back to the place of work 2 years later and he started again. I saw it differently at this point - it was sleazy. He’s married. I distanced myself

I can’t explain how I felt around him during the crush - but I no longer feel that way but I had to force myself to see him in different lights and almost un-fancy him

[Menora]

I also had this deep feeling we would end up together somehow, can’t explain. I think if I had been that way inclined to pursue him I may have ‘won’. But the little voice that has made you post here - listen to it. It is warning you

[Thisnamechanger]

I'm so confused...does the OP still have a DP?

[OxfordCat]

Not sure if I've missed something here OP, but are you still with your partner? I haven't heard you mention him at all! You've said you feel guilt but not really expressed any empathy for him, or said how you feel about your relationship.

If you actually believe you are in love with someone else then why are you still with your DP? Are you hedging your bets? If so I don't think that's kind and it's a horrible way to begin a potentially new relationship also. Surely you need to separate the two issues and actually for step 1 start assessing why you do not value your current relationship and start being honest about and towards your DP?

[Mrticklelives]

I am still with my partner. I love him very much but we have had a long complicated relationship which has had it's ups and downs. I haven't talked about him much because I can talk to people irl about him and I understand my feelings about him.

I'm not hedging my bets, but I've made a commitment to him that I intend to keep. My view is no-one said it would be easy. So I work hard to keep my relationship healthy, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I'm not trying to start a new relationship with my friend, or instigate a romance.

When I started the thread, I was sorting through feelings and trying to gain some perspective because I felt like I was making it all up in my head.

Being able to put some of guilt aside has helped me see the irrelevance of my worries.

I will never cheat on my partner. I will end things before it gets to that point. I don't see it doing with my friend because knowing him, I know he doesn't want to cheat either. And I've put that space between us.

If we were both single at the same time, I would date him but the only way that would ever be acceptable to me is if our relationships came to a natural end.

Sorry this is long, I wanted to be careful about what I said.

[Teenagekicks2]

Please, read this article. It explains the situation. It helped me a lot!

loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/

[Mrticklelives]

I definitely have but I'm not on board with their core concepts.

[CFR8]

If you don’t have kids then I would maybe be thinking about bringing the relationship to an end. It sounds like you are disconnecting. Maybe you can be together if neither is married with kids. Relationships end all the time and new ones begin. Sounds like more than a crush this.

[looop]

Mrticklelives Again, a lot of what you have said resonates.
I think what helps me, is to know that life is long, you do not know what twists and turns it will take.
But what is meant for you, will not pass you by.
All you can do (as it sounds you are) is to let things be, not push for things and act with integrity.
It's not a fantastic situation to be in, it's hard, so hard.
Especially not helped by being 'fed' the signs it is reciprocated. When you mentioned about him 'melting', it reminded me of a similar situation I had last week. I can just remember him looking at me, with that megawatt smile, and he just seemed to be 'beaming' It was me that melted at that point. It is both intoxicating and excruciating to be looked at that way.
I hope you are finding this thread helpful, as I am x

[doublebarrellednurse]

Limerance really is a bitch and it's not what you think it is from reading your posts. I've been on both sides of this post. The crushed and the crusher. An ex colleague and husband writes about his affair (or did) and they put together some really good posts on limerance.

Whilst his MH problems might not be relevant here is his side of the limerance pot


www.google.com/amp/s/letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2019/03/29/limerence-and-affairs/amp/

And hers is more a technical overview of what it really is and why it's so dangerous

letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/limerance/

I realise you are not yet having an affair but there are some definite alarm bells which is why you posted after all.

When I had my crush on a colleague it was tough and clearly reciprocal (as I believe yours is from what you've said), we made a conscious choice that the only conversation we could have was about work. Trouble is a lot of why we liked each other was because we respected each other's work a lot. Soon we avoided that too.

It went away. I began to see that my feelings were not based in reality despite knowing him very well that actually we barely knew each other at all and realistically we couldn't have such strong feelings on that basis and certainly that we did have control over those feelings and were not powerless. Rationally I didn't know him. I had never dated him, had any kind of understanding of his home life etc.

It's hard but if you put boundaries in that protect your relationship and invest the energy and time in your current relationship the feels for this man are likely to go away.

[Thisnamechanger]

It's tough to work on a flagging relationship when you're obsessively crushing on someone else. When I have a bad-ish work crush I told DP.

[workfup]

Those are really interesting articles and a lot of what was said resonates. I have detached.

But I'm also wandering if this is more of a female thing. I can't imagine many men obsessing and overthinking the way I am.

[Menora]

@workfup

Not always true, my reciprocal crush found it a lot harder than me to stop contact. He was usually the instigator. And he got nothing from me physically which suggests to me that he was feeling how many of you do, with just not being able to put it out of his mind. He tried to message me quite recently. But all those feelings have died for me now (I killed them!)
With my crush situation we just had a click, which I don’t think either of us had really had before. It was very hard to ignore it.

[PollyFeather]

Ugh - limerence. The word people use to try and excuse their terrible stalker - ish behaviour.

There was a terrible set of threads on here once that were eventually pulled and they were told to stop it. All discussions about how to stalk and harass oriole in the name of 'limerence'

Just get a grip, get another hobby and stop it

[Menora]

I think that is a mean way of saying get a grip
😂
But from the outside this is an unhealthy obsession and it is isn’t down to nature, fate, ‘it’s meant to be’. You find someone sexually attractive and you create a narrative about the life you could possibly have but it is based on nothing. You also get non sexual clicks with people and that is called friendship. It doesn’t turn obsessional because there aren’t the same barriers and indulgence excitement compared to the sexual feelings you can get towards someone.

[PollyFeather]

@Menora yes you're right. I sounded kind of mean.

But all those 'finding this thread so helpful' need stopping in their tracks because this last spate of threads got completely out of hand with unhinged lunatics harassing the object of their affections

[workfup]

@menora again interesting. I've no idea how mine feels as I would never have the conversation but the level of contact between us goes beyond what's normal I think, but then again I don't know because I'm second guessing myself all the time!

[Menora]

It is a fantasy. An intensely thrilling one

[WhenPushComesToShove]

I have been in your shoes. It was wonderful and agonising; a beautiful time wasting fantasy for both of us. We really enjoyed the flirtation and our amazing connection but in the end neither of us (both married with kids) was prepared to gamble with what we were not prepared to lose

[OxfordCat]

I agree with you @PollyFeather. I think this is rooted in fantasy and not based on authenticity. For whatever reason, the OP and other PP's on here WANT to be in this position and they are consciously choosing to maintain it and fuel it. (rather than say, quickly and definitely bursting their bubble by telling their DH or consciously acknowledging all the areas they know nothing about the object of their fantasy.). The imagination is a powerful thing but it can be managed.

[OxfordCat]

Also I don't see how the OP or anyone else can conduct a relationship with their DP that is anything like healthy without communicating with honesty. If you're going to conceal such a huge feeling from them then the relationship is not there anyway. It feels like choosing to lie to their partner just builds another barrier between them which then in turn becomes a justification of sorts for the flirtation / fantasies. It's all constructed by the OP to begin with instead of focusing on the relationship in hand, and either investing in it properly or cutting it off.

[PollyFeather]

@OxfordCat totally agree. See the comment below you for how this sort of thing plays out. We've all been there with fancying someone madly etc etc but you've got to get a hold on yourself when you're basically mooning around like a daffy teenager and romanticising it in your head and giving it Shakespearean type names to make it sound acceptable