How long before a crush becomes a problem?

[Mrticklelives]

I have a crush on my friend who I've known for about eight years.

We were close enough to talk about our lives fairly intimately but not close enough for us to message each other. We know each through mutual friends. We all do a hobby together.

I've always thought he was attractive but we were both in relationships when I met him so it was more of a passing observation than an actual attraction.

He's always treated me with a lot of respect and care, borderline flirty but not enough that I felt uncomfortable. The kids would call it 'banter'.

We are both still with our partners. Last year, we were out with the hobby group and had too much to drink and although nothing happened, something seemed to change fundamentally about the way we interacted with each other. Long hugs and looks.

If either of us had pushed it, something might have happened but we were both smart enough or not dumb enough not to cross that line.

The problem is since then I can't get him out of my head.

I have pulled right back when we see each other. I don't share my life with him. I don't giggle and chat with him like we used it.

I've noticed him pulling back too (good!) he avoids me more than he used to and doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. If we happen to be alone together, he will make minimal conversation.

But then when I'm talking to other people , he keeps jumping into the conversation and saying nice things about me. I respond as briefly as possible because I don't understand why he does that.

I took a break from the hobby for family reasons but when I met up with them, it was pretty obvious he'd been talking about me with the others. One of the other blokes was like 'oh yea, Nigel thinks a hell of a lot of you. He really rates you.' Wtf?

I do like that he thinks that way but it's 100% wrong. I know it, I surely wish I didn't feel like this. It's wrong.

He was my friend before all of this so I still like him as a person even though I know I can't be close with him again like before.

I am resisting myself completely but it's not working! I've tried and for what feels like a long long time now.

I would leave the group but the hobby isn't one you can just up and leave. It costs money and without being too outing, I have big responsibilities.

I think about him a lot even I tell myself everytime it's a no, a non issue and not to keep thinking about it.

I'm really wondered it be a mental health issue?

I really need to talk to people who have gone through this.

How long before my feelings and reactions catch up to my rational brain?

If you read to the end thank you so much.

[liverpoolgal82]

Going through this also. I'm married to a lovely man and have children. It hit me out of the blue for a woman I met. She's heavily hinted she really likes me. (She's also married, in a female relationship) We've both started to include our partners now when we meet at the mutual hobby and I think it's settling down to a lovely warm friendship but my feelings were so intense at the beginning. Reading the book on limerence helped so much as it made me see that it's chemical , it will fade and calm down. Cutting down on the amount of meet ups has helped and I've focussed back on other interests I used to enjoy prior to meeting her. I'm starting to feel less needy about hearing back from texting so much s also.

[Stillsexystillsingle]

Whatever you want to call it, love, limerance, whatever try not to stress, live your life and let things naturally fall as they will. It may well be the other man isn't the right one for you either. But what you don't want to do, to my mind, is either have a physical and/or emotional affair that will only end up hurting everyone involved, or settle for staying in a relationship that's not making you happy because it's less scary than moving on. You're experiencing this because marriage as we know it was invented by the Victorians who mostly used to die in their forties, we mostly live to our eighties and beyond! Studies have shown that we are moving towards becoming a society where it will be the norm to have three long term relationships instead of just one in our lifetimes. However, we're a transitional generation, so hence all the angst.

[Barbadosblues]

I'm spending large amounts of time listening to love songs on YouTube and reading my horoscope. What an absolute tit

I am sure I will look back on this a few months from now and really cringe.

I must admit its been nice to buy all the new clothes though. I'm also noticing people are giving me lots of nice compliments, usually followed by considerable the time of it you are having. But you know, I'll take the compliments anyway!

[Barbadosblues]

Oh and its affecting my appetite but I haven't lost a bloody pound.

Disappointing.

[nmc99]

Yes defo not alone OP I'm going through this with a married guy at work, he has given me lots of attention, lots of messages and is now under my skin and in my head and he has backed off which really stings. Trying very hard to do the no contact thing and it's utter madness because I'm def not attracted him! Feel like I'm going mental!

[Macandcheeseplease]

I think this is more common than anyone realises. I'm also going through this now. It's the intensity of the feelings that has completely thrown me, you know? Not just finding someone attractive but actually feeling like you've got a connection with them. My mind is all over the place.

I've decided to allow myself these feelings. After all, no one else knows what's going on inside my head. I'm sure at some point it will come to an end but god knows when!!

[Barbadosblues]

Yes to the connection feeling!

I'm coping by trying to see the funny side of things and being optimistic. It's harder than it sounds because of the intensity!

I'm like a love sick teen but its put a bit of a spring in my step at least. And it makes life a bit brighter in some ways despite agonizing over everything...conversations, glances, that time he leaned in pretty close etc.

I've dumped any feeling of guilt because they are just emotions which will no doubt die down soon enough.

I've felt alone in this because no friends have ever mentioned it before, but I am sure it's more common than we think too.

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

It initially puts a spring in your step but eventually you just feel shit all the time. If the relationship has run its course that is fair enough, but then you need to make plans to leave.

I removed myself from meeting the object of my affection for a year. Now it has been over 2 years and it is so much better and easier. No contact is the only way to nip it in the bud. If you are not willing to go NC then you need to ask yourself why!

[nmc99]

If you can't go no contact and can't leave your job if it's a colleague it can be very difficult!

[Macandcheeseplease]

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 - 2 years down the line do you still think about him?

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Macandcheeseplease I still think about him a lot but we have a 25yr history. It doesn't hurt anymore. Just a mild sting.

[Mrticklelives]

Hi!

I wanted to update this post because I was so grateful to have a safe space to talk about my immoral feelings.

I have gone LC with him and it's not been that long but I was struggling at first, he started ignoring me too -great, but I got really sad because I miss him ...a lot more than I should.

Letting go of the guilt really helped me, I felt bad and I was spiralling until I accepted that this is how I feel. I have strong feelings, whether or not it's reciprocated.

I'm still holding out some hope that the situation will resolve itself and we can be together, or he tell me that he feels the same. But I'm not allowing myself to feel guilty and I'm forgiving myself for that then I can rationally accept that it's not going to happen without significant damage and fucking up massively.

I feel better now I've accepted this. Still in 'recovery' tho.

Pretty sure he feels the same way, he broke the LC recently and tried to engage in conversation. I think he was genuinely interested but I cut it off because I don't trust myself and gazing into his eyes and face feeds my emotions too much.

I was proud of that!

How's everyone else's crushes going?

[looop]

Mrticklelives I just wanted to say thank you for your update.
I have followed this thread intently, but not previously replied.
So much of what you have just written, resonates.
I too have been recently trying to draw the line, and keep my interactions with him to a minimum. It has been helped by the fact we fell out a few weeks ago, and that there seems to have been a 'shift' in mood since.
But it is also incredibly difficult, considering how close we were/are.
I too have struggled to handle the guilt/immortality of my feelings. I have now accepted that I feel the way I do. There's no denying it, or trying to kid myself that I simply care and love him just as a friend.
I don't know what the future holds, and I constantly have to deal with the battle between head and heart.
I now tell myself that my feelings are one sided, in the hope it will help me keep my emotions in check and help me to move on in the meantime.
I'm pretty sure he does actually feel something for me too, but I can't allow myself to play on that.
Simply because nothing can happen between us, without causing not only others, but ourselves substantial upheaval and hurt.
I understand the pain wholeheartedly, I really do. I hope things feel a little better for you soon.

[Macandcheeseplease]

Seeing these updates is quite timely.

The person I've developed feelings for spoke to me a couple of days ago and told me that they have very strong feelings for me. I suspected that was the case but hearing him say it has just confirmed what I thought! We had a long conversation about our feelings but agreed nothing could ever happen between us because of what we stand to lose (both married with kids).

It's a horrible situation. I think about him all the time and now I know he's thinking about me too. I've never felt the pull of temptation like it but I know it's wrong and we've obviously agreed nothing could ever come of it. But that actually makes me sad! I feel a bit sick at the thought of him being out there and feeling the same as me but never being able to progress it into anything else. But it's absurd because I'm married and I shouldn't be feeling like this. I never thought I could end up in a situation like this.

Like you OP we cant go NC so I think I just need to bury this somehow and train myself not to feel this way.

[queenbeeof3]

I feel I need to give an update too...after a while thinking I was doing well I spent the day today with my element and oh my gosh...how hard is this?? I tried to remain as low contact as possible and not interact much, but we work together and interaction was inevitable at some point...
I then was stupid enough to look into his eyes during a conversation... :(
I missed him badly because it's been a while we don't see each other...
it's soooo hard :(

[Mrticklelives]

Do not look into their eyes, ladies! Why is it always their freaking eyes?!

@macandcheeseplease in a way I'm happy for you because things have moved on and at least you know you weren't misreading the situation.

As shitty as it you have your confirmation now that he feels the same way and you both decided that you don't want to cross that line together.

@looop I think I read your thread and if it's the one I'm thinking of, you got dragged v unfairly.

I understand that a lot of women who post on here are being cheated on or suspect they are, but this thread is a neutral place to talk about emotions we are struggling with that don't necessarily make logical or moral sense. No-one is advocating cheating or acting on anything without due care to everyone involved, although we may fantasize about it. Please feel welcome to come here when you need a ear or a vent. It's nice to have support.

I had a 50/50 day, we crossed paths a few times. Details are too outing but he looked lovely. We now always do a weird tango when we're in each other's personal space I think it's because he does/doesn't want to be in my personal space? I do it because I can't bear to look full on in case he guesses how deeply I feel.

Can't decide what's going on in his head but telling myself it's none of my business unless he makes it mine ( which he won't because he's stubborn and/or doesn't feel the same way.)

God damnit!

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

God I had this recently. Helped by the fact that he moved away for work but he comes back every now and then to visit friends and family and every time I see him I feel like a giddy teenager. It’s ridiculous. I’m sure he’d be mortified if he knew, he’s a lovely guy but I’m sure he’s younger than me and I’m not as svelte as I used to be, he’d probably run a mile!

[Macandcheeseplease]

@Mrticklelives thank you for posting this. You're so right. This is a neutral place. Many of us are struggling with feelings that we never thought we would have. I'm increasingly coming to see that things are not as black and white as I once thought they were. The intensity of the feelings I've been having is just indescribable.

What is completely crazy now is that because we have agreed nothing good can come of this, I actually feel like I've been dumped. I'm really, really sad. I'm sad because I really like this guy and think we'd be amazing together, I'm gutted because that can never happen and we've got families that dont deserve this, and worried because I want to feel this way about my husband and I dont so what does that mean for our future together. It sounds ridiculous and self indulgent but I cant help it.

[Mrticklelives]

@Macandcheeseplease

I feel exactly the same, I think you're doing well because you've had the discussion not and you're not freaking out completely.I think it's natural to feel like some form of loss over what could have been.

You've both made a decision now and it must be really hard to stick to.

[TheBookThief]

It has been very comforting to read this thread and how many others are struggling with something similar to what I have been feeling since the beginning of the year for someone I work with (not every day thankfully)

I am unhappy, unheard and unseen in my own marriage which of course adds fuel to the fire because when I see the object of my affections he is kind and funny and sweet and makes me feel visible and important, and who doesnt like to feel like that?!

I know the issues in my marriage are a totally separate issue which I am trying to deal with, but I confess to regularly fantasising about TOOMA because not only is it a wonderful escape from reality but I have never felt like this about anyone before.

I don't know exactly what he feels, I think just friendship. I know he likes me because he chooses to work with me, but I think that's it for him, although there are other times when he talks and from what he says I know he has been thinking about me. But I don't get anything more than an easy camaraderie from him, although at times there is some light-hearted flirting.

Nothing really could ever happen between us (although I confess the fantasy of it warms my heart) because he seems happy with his OH, but I wish I could stop thinking about him, analysing what he said etc, looking for clues as to his true feelings like a desperate teen - its bloody madness!
Yet I cant not see him because when I spend time with him everything is right with the world.

[looop]

Mrticklelives I'm not sure, I haven't done a thread specifically about my current situation, but have commented on a few similar.
There isn't any denying that there is chemistry. Sometimes there are very strong signs, then nothing, then something and around again! We get something out of this set up with each other, as he constantly refers to the 'benefits' of our relationship. He has made it clear that I am his confidant, someone he is able to be himself with, and be close to, whilst keeping everyone else at a distance.
Though, frustratingly for me, he does keep me at a distance. Especially in front of other people. I think for fear of anyone being suspicious, and for upholding his 'good guy, professional, happily married' persona.
I do think he does genuinely care about me, but just isn't very good at showing it (most of the time).
I wonder if he struggles with his feelings towards what we have too.

[nmc99]

I'm feeling very foolish about mine and just need to stop all contact. I think I've read to much into it all and just need to do the no contact thing.

[taxidriver9]

Joining in late, but if you have a crush and they reciprocate isn't that when it becomes the problem?
I had a crush, he said he liked me without any promoting on my part. Up to that point it was that pleasant fantasy and escapism...now it's a real problem. I'm married, he's single. It's led to a lot of heartache on my side. We got too close and now we are not friends, it's just not possible. I'm upset at the loss of a friendship and wish he had never admitted his feelings. However he could tell I liked him, so there is no denying chemistry. I don't know how long it will take to get over this...it's really hard and as others have said it's not something you can talk about much in real life.

[FrenchyQ]

I have a crush on someone i dated briefly 18 years ago, we had no contact for all that time and then all of a sudden hes back in my life and he feels the same about me. Nothing has happened bar a little borderline flirting. We are both married and I know at some point we are going to have to cut contact for both our relationships sake...that makes me feel sad

[Danielradcliffesperfectarse]

Mine became a problem, after 5 to 6 years of what I thought was infatuation on my part, was flirting on both ours, a brief time or two in those years when we both withdrew, then times when we talked about our feelings candidly... He's been in relationships in that time, I've been married and had a child in that time... Still it went on.
Gradual feelings of dissatisfaction in my marriage then have led to us doing something about it. For 2 months..
I feel awful, guilty, confused.
I'm not even sure I wish it hadn't happened because it was wonderful, after all the years of longing and angst.
But now I have no idea how I feel. We ended things and are trying no contact. We work together so it's hard. I'm hoi g to counselling, then going yo try couples counselling.

I think mine started as a crush, a fun, flirtation and he made me feel attractive, good about myself.
But years of this and indulging it have turned it into something else. I feel love for him, when I'd hoped I would just get it out of my system, maybe it would be awful, maybe I'd get to know him (and I do, I've seen all the bad stuff. Made no difference) and I'd feel differently.
So now I'm in the position of feeling horribly sad, miserable actually. Guilty, not knowing what to do about my marriage..
So tread carefully. What I should have done is told my DH, made him realise I was unhappy, maybe he would have stepped up a bit more, maybe it would have burst the bubble. I might have left my job, cutting all contact (have done this, 5 times, for 6 weeks or more at a time. Made no difference ) Or, we would have called an end to the marriage and I could have still been with OM. If I'd done that a lot of heartache could have been avoided.
Im now looking at staying with my husband, if he wants me, doing counseling, trying to make things better... All the time I know I still want OM and I will know he wants me. But it can't work for so many reasons. So I'm trapped really.