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Original poster

Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

167 replies

Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 19:56

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

OP posts:
Legomadx2 · 30/10/2019 19:59

If it's any consolation I've had the reverse experience ie my ex who I think is still in love with me coped when I got married and had DC.

He has gone on to have his own DC and while he still tried to snog me a year or two ago after a drunken party at our house (! I was not up for this) I can see he is so happy with his children. They have really helped.

I think he is 99pc over me now and really happy even if he will always think I was probably the one that got away.

DuchessMustard · 30/10/2019 20:02

I think that given you are both married to other people, and that you already have children of your own, it's really fucked up that you are so upset about this (and it hasn't even happened yet). You are not just 'best friends'. This is all kinds of wrong and I feel sorry for both of your partners.

JessicaRarebit · 30/10/2019 20:06

Great advice duchess - your sanctimonious tripe is just what the op was asking for.

I’ve been in that situation Op and it’s very hard. If you decide to act on it people will inevitably get hurt, they always do. Living a lie is no fun either though and I speak from experience, I really tried to make a relationship work but I loved my ex so I made a choice. It was very hard and I still feel immense guilt for the hurt I caused someone who was truly lovely but just not for me.

Whatever you decide to do be kind to yourself, you’ve not done anything and you can’t help how you feel.

HoneyandSpice · 30/10/2019 20:12

Agree with DuchessMustard
You don't get to call the shots about feeling crap in case he has good news to tell you. Not when you have moved on and have kids of your own.
For perspective, I was married for 13 years. After I split up with my husband, I did wonder how I would feel if he got together with someone else very quickly and had a baby. He did get with someone quickly, but they never had a baby. I got with someone 3 yrs later and got pregnant. We stayed good friends. But for the sake of my new partner and his new partner, I never called him my best friend. Because he wasnt. He was my ex husband who I still cared for.
You have to disassociate yourself. Because that's the normal thing to do. To avoid hurting others, and coming across as selfish and wanting it all.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:12

Thanks JessicaRarebit. May I ask what happened to you in the end? Are you saying you got back with your ex?

OP posts:
keepingbees · 30/10/2019 20:17

No judgement but aren't you on slightly dodgy ground if you're married and still in love with him? Is it really a friendship or a reason to keep him in your life? Maybe you should take a step back.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 20:17

I have to agree with Duchess

If you were single and still carrying a torch or married with fertility problems this would make sense, but if you've moved on and had kids with someone how do you justify feeling "sad" that he is going to have a family without seeing that it's mean spirited and odd.

I don't think you do still love him you just don't want someone else to have him

You need to sort your head out as you are clearly hoping for an affair, perhaps even having an emotional affair

Either way I hope the wife has your measure

Startingoveragain1 · 30/10/2019 20:20

My ex of 11 years (father of my kids) cheated and had a new child quite soon after.(i had clocked out of the relationship too. Our relationship was doomed and not romantic at all. we had lots of love for each other but not in love with each other. I totally hated the idea of that kid and being my kids step sibling but... deep down i know he is happy with the person he loves and had a child he longed for and my kids are happy and love them too. And the more love the better. You will hate the idea ( because of your past together) but you will learn to deal with it because he is a good guy(if he is) and u have lots of love for him. It will be weird to think about , u may not like the idea to begin with but u will learn to deal with it and be happy for him. And then ull realise its not even a big deal. Its just the initial shock.

EmmiJay · 30/10/2019 20:22

When you love someone that deeply, it hurts because once upon a time you thought you'd be doing the marriage/children life with them. I understand this as my ex from many moons ago is on his 4th child, I have one, but it always stings a little when he announces them. But ultimately you have to be happy for them and let it go. Enjoy what you have in front of you.

Mrsbclinton · 30/10/2019 20:25

Why does it hurt so much that he is starting a family with his wife?

Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 20:25

However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

Jesus H Christ. Just look at your language, really hurt, survived it (Seriously??? survived it??? WTF) still love him.

YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

If you feel like this you need to totally cut this man out of your life and have nothing to do with him out of respect for your husband, respect for yourself and respect for his wife and future family.

Probably he knows you feel this way and enjoys a dirty little ego boost from his mooning female friend. For all you know he has a good joke with his wife about how pathetic you are. Its bound to be what he's thinking.

Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 20:27

And if a wife was on here saying she found out her husband was in love with his best friend ,.that wasn’t her ,you’d all be saying leave him ,he’s not worth it ..yet it’s ok for the op to feel like this about another man
What about your husband op ? Does he deserve this?

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:27

I would never in a million years let on to him how I feel. I hope that I will do an excellent job of hiding my sadness in front of him. He’ll think that I’m overjoyed for him.

We broke up over a misunderstanding. I think we both still have feelings for each other but have never said. We’re in contact about 2-3 times a week. Neither of us has ever crossed a line in expressing feelings for each other.

I suppose my thoughts are that I can’t change my feelings for him but I can control my actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:28

Why does it hurt so much that he is starting a family with his wife?
Because I have feelings for him.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 20:29

Why did you marry your husband if you love your ex? Bit shit for him isn’t it?

If you love your ex you should accept him getting what you already have at the very least.

If this is your reaction to the potential of happy news for him and his wife you need to make some serious space between you and focus on your other friends because this isn’t normal or healthy.

MiniCooperLover · 30/10/2019 20:29

And how do you think your DH feels about this? Is he aware of your close contact?

Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 20:29

Oh ..when you said you would never in a million years let him know how you feel..I stupidly thought for a second you meant your poor husband.
Silly me

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:30

I’m not cheating. I’m just saying that I feel sad that my ex might be having a child with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:32

Knightinslightlytarnished
I don’t think he’s laughing at me.

OP posts:
Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 20:32

I would leave my dh if he was mooning over another woman,like you are over your ex.
Your not being honest,by having these feelings .
How would you feel if your dh was doing this

JessicaRarebit · 30/10/2019 20:33

I did Op and it really hasn’t been easy. My DP moved on very quickly from his exes, felt limited remorse for various reasons so it’s been easier for him but harder for me because the guilt is very real. I didn’t cheat on my ex, but I did let him go in anticipation that ex and I might try again.

It really is an agonising choice and I don’t envy you op.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:34

Why did you marry your husband if you love your ex?
I wanted to move on. I knew that I couldn’t be with my ex. Ex met someone else and 2 years later I met someone too. I wasn’t going to sacrifice having my own chance of happiness and much longed for children because of my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:37

Thanks JessicaRarebit.

I don’t think I have a choice to make as such. I presume ex is happy enough to be having a baby with his wife. I’m just wondering how I’m going to cope with my own feelings of sadness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 20:37

JessicaRarebit did you have children involved?

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 30/10/2019 20:40

It's hard as you are still in love with him, why don't you distance yourself? Why do you need to be in contact 2-3 times a week. For your own sanity and marriage I would back off completely and stop all contact. Do you think on some level you think you might get back together? So many people stand to get hurt, is it really worth it?

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