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Original poster

Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

167 replies

Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 19:56

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/10/2019 21:30

This is an affair waiting to happen imo.

diddl · 30/10/2019 21:31

" I wasn’t going to sacrifice having my own chance of happiness and much longed for children because of my ex."

How selfish.

Your poor husband.

He could be with someone who really loves him, not someone who would rather be with someone else.

Toffeecakes · 30/10/2019 21:32

You’re having an emotional affair OP, make a decision. Your DH doesn’t deserve to be a consolation prize, if it was a man posting on here he’d be roasted.

As harsh as it is OP, you’re absolutely out of order and you need to grow up. You won’t die if you cut contact with your ex and so you need to out of respect for your DH. It’s not normal to refer to your ex as your ‘best friend’ or to be in touch 2-3 times a week (when there are no children involved)when you are with someone else.

You have hope that you’ll get back together, if that’s what you want then you need to leave your DH. You might never get back with your ex but the fact that you want to means you shouldn’t be married.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 21:36

Another one thinking about the husband in this, and the ex's wife

If your ex was single or gave you the slightest green light he'd be up for an affair you would be gone like a shot.

Meanwhile, your oblivious husband thinks you're happily married and his presumed pregnant wife is joyfully picking nursery colours ignorant of the fact a woman who is emotionally dependent on her husband doesn't believe she can "survive" her happiness

If you came looking for infidelity apologists you came to the wrong board

Supersimkin2 · 30/10/2019 21:37

@formerbabe Don't give OP false hope. She wants people to tell her the ex secretly loves her. He so doesn't.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 21:40

I’m not looking for a relationship with my ex. I’m just sad about his potential news and was hoping for some tips of ways of dealing with that without breaking off our close friendship.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/10/2019 21:40

@Supersimkin2

Well the combination of a besotted ex girlfriend and a wife whose just given birth/sleepless nights/general new baby stress could be a dangerous combination? Depends on what type of man he is I guess and the op?

Paddingtonthebear · 30/10/2019 21:43

Oh dear, I feel very sorry for your husband.

You need to cut contact. You are very invested still and it’s so inappropriate when you have children and are married to someone else. It makes it appear like your husband and kids and current life are all second best.

I know it’s hard but he is not with you, he has chosen someone else and she is having his children. You need to focus on your own marriage and your own children, this angst is a little bit weird tbh

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 21:44

But why are you sad? If you love him why aren’t you happy for him?

Supersimkin2 · 30/10/2019 21:45

@formerbabe Grin Touche.

I think we're all familiar with the OP's type. But she's been kicking down the door of his bedroom for years and it hasn't worked yet.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 21:49

There is no way of moving on from it and keeping the friendship IMO

It would be like continuing to reopen a wound that hasn't healed.

You need to pull away and refocus on your marriage and give a decent gap without seeing him so that hopefully when next you do see him the intoxicated feeling is gone:

"Oh Christ what was I thinking?! My poor DH"

A lot of people had that Shock"I thought THIS MAN was perfect?!" moment with an ex

FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 21:51

So you married your husband and had children with him, because you knew you'd never have a family with your ex, yet you still have feelings for him, you see him 2 or 3 times a week, you are going to be so sad when he tells you he's going to be a dad, you will be bereft without his emotional support - who are you trying to kid here? This man isn't your best friend. I bet he gets a thrill out of knowing how much you moon after him. He's probably secretly laughing at your poor husband who has NO idea he's second best. Grow up. Stop seeing him. Leave him and his wife to get on with their lives and channel your energies towards your own family.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 21:51

But why are you sad? If you love him why aren’t you happy for him?
I suppose because I’m not a completely selfless person. I would like to be that person and I’ll pretend so to him but I’m not.

The thought of it makes me feel a physical pain. I’m sorry I feel this way. I know it’s not the nice way to be.

OP posts:
Derbee · 30/10/2019 21:53

I’m...hoping for some tips of ways of dealing with that without breaking off our close friendship

And people are pointing out that you can’t. It’s dysfunctional and unfair to your husband and you ex’s wife

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 21:53

I don’t see him 2-3 times a week. We’re in contact that much by text and calls.

OP posts:
Butterisbest · 30/10/2019 21:53

@Ghikknv
Are you Scarlett O'Hara and your lost lurve is named Ashley?
Get over yourself woman think about poor Captain Rhett your husband and cut ties with your ex immediately.
You're really not being fair here.
Your ex has made his choice and it's not you.

SpinneyHill · 30/10/2019 21:53

Him telling you they are expecting is not going to hurt any more than knowing he's expecting. Which you already do (or suspect).

Get a grip on how you feel now, maybe consider not meeting him? He can tell you over the phone, you're torturing yourself by going.

I found out my first love had got married about 17 years after I last saw him and it threw me because it did sting a bit even though I hadn't thought about him in all that time.

You're not faulty for having 'one that got away', but you should be compartmentalising your current life and your past if you know if it will affect you negatively.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 21:55

To the person who asked upthread, yes we went to each other’s weddings. Ex is godfather to my son.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 30/10/2019 21:55

Butterisbest I shouldn't laugh, but that's funny

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 21:56

How does your husband feel about him? Do you like his wife?

diddl · 30/10/2019 21:56

"I suppose because I’m not a completely selfless person."

Well isn't that the truth!

Completely selfish more like!

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 21:57

For those saying that ex made his choice and isn’t interested etc, it’s not just me contacting him. The relationship is a two way thing. He appears to get something out of our friendship too.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 30/10/2019 21:59

How do you know what the news is?

He might have cancer or be moving abroad, getting a divorce or telling you his wifes given him an ultimatum

thetardis · 30/10/2019 22:00

break off your close friendship. you're investing much more into it than he is and both your attentions should be elsewhere if you're married with kids and his missus is expecting. do the decent thing.

Cohle · 30/10/2019 22:00

I know it's hard OP but you'll never be able to move on from your ex when you are still in such an emotionally close relationship with him. You need to cut contact with him (or at least seriously reduce it, if you must see him socially). It will be hard in the short term but in the long term you will be much happier. Being in love with a man who is happily married to another woman is not something that is bringing you real happiness.

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