Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

[Ghikknv]

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

I think it might be easier for posters to understand if you had explained a bit more about why you split up and why you aren't together now. If he has settled and you still love him, why didn't you get back together ages ago?

Dont tell your DH.
Just try to go a week with no communication at all!!

Lessen the intimacy. Dont maintain it by connecting 3 times a week. 🙈

He doesn’t notice me half the time.

And there it is.....you're unhappy in your marriage and jealous of the potential happiness your ex is experiencing so you cling to the belief that he "settled" for her to make yourself feel better (and superior)

You might not be physically cheating but you are having an emotional affair

And now your leaving the thread because you don't like hearing the truth

Bingo. Get stronger as a woman with a single midset if you have to. Work on emotional, practical and financial independence. Channel your energies in to that project.

• He doesn’t notice me half the time.

And there it is.....you're unhappy in your marriage and jealous of the potential happiness your ex is experiencing so you cling to the belief that he "settled" for her to make yourself feel better (and superior)

You might not be physically cheating but you are having an emotional affair

And now your leaving the thread because you don't like hearing the truth*

It's of course not impossible that OP's H is the type of man who sees marriage as a way of getting his meals cooked, his pants washed and a kid or two he can parade as proof that he's 'normal'. It's likely that a more romantic, sensitive man would have picked up on the fact that OP is 'in love' with her ex and left her to it, quite early on.
Of course stupid people do marry partners they are not 'really in love' with - again, to demonstrate that they are normal, because in the eyes of the stupid, normal people get married and have kids; in the hope of making the ex see what they could have had (this never works). Sometimes the second-choice spouse is a total mug, sometimes it's someone who is getting what they consider an acceptable bargain, sometimes it's someone who means well and thinks they can make the pining-got-the-ex person happy in time.

And it may be the case that the ex's pregnant wife is also someone who, for whatever reason, isn't that fussed that her H has a Klingon ex: maybe she wanted a husband-and-baby for appearance's sake.
This ex is almost certainly feeding his ego at OP's expense - but whether his wife is in on the joke and the two of them have a good laugh about her when they are in bed together, or whether the wife is about to put her foot down and insist on contact between them being reduced... I don't see a terribly healthy outcome for anyone.

Ive fixed your sentence for you, @Ghikknv

I’m going to leave the thread now. Clearly the wrong place to post for —advice— indulgence of my shitty behaviour

People get married for all sorts of reasons. I wouldn't put "for appearances' sake" in the top fifty.

It's only the wrong place OP if you have an issue with hearing that which you don't like the sound of.

The whole thing sounds like total fantasy, you and your ex are not martyrs who have been kept apart by a misunderstanding. Anyone can be together if they want and the fact you are using your husband as a backstop seems to have made you feel that that makes it possible he has done the same and your situation is mirrored. That seems pretty doubtul OP. I he is having a child with her and asked her to marry him, it will be their child he wants and her he wants to commit to. I imagine she wishes you would get over the whole thing and bugger off, and you should probably at this point have the decency to do exactly that really.

You should have let go years ago, for a relationship you value so much it appears to have done nothing but make your life miserable, regretful and a source of toxic behaviour. Perhaps you should stop living your life as a lie, disguised as martyring and tell him that actually your 'friendship' has been BS the whole time for you, you just want to be near him because you love him, think and hope he will never like his DW the way he secretly loves you, hat you'd have been together if it wasn't for a misunderstanding, and that you ultimately take pleasure in any evidence you can find that others say he 'settled' for his DW. It's clutching at straws big time OP, if you told him he'd probably run a mile, i know i would!

I'm going to take a slightly different view here OP.

Feelings are tough. We can't help them and it's hard when you feel something you don't want to. No judgement there. What counts however is what you actually do about them.

However. What I think pp's are finding difficult here is that you have made zero effort to do anything about them, to the detriment of your OH and his DW too. You've allowed this - encouraged this - to continue. It is an emotional affair I'm afraid.

I get that you feel distraught, this comes across in your posts - but you can, and should do something about it and go NC. It's the only way. Plenty of people have these feelings about others whilst they are also in relationships - but they walk away. Don't act on them and certainly don't encourage them.

Surely, if you feel anything at all for your OH - or empathy for his DW then you should respect that.

It's time to make a decision. I feel for your OH, and his DW too. Your lack of action to deter this is pretty selfish.

BoF I agree that it isn't that usual for people to marry for appearances these days, but not totally unheard of. I think it's more common to marry for comfort and convenience and because the person one is currently dating is 'good enough'. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.

For whatever reason, though, OP's ex didn't want to marry her then and clearly doesn't want to marry her now, because he wants to be with someone else and OP needs to accept this, whatever she does with her own marriage.

Appearances is in the top 5 id guess.

I cared more about appearing normal and happy than being happy. I didnt even realise or understand that at the time though.

Hi OP, I for one am interested in what his news turns out to be. Please keep us in the loop. I can completely understand how you feel. Hugs. xx

I’m a nosy fucker so I’d love to know what the news is.

I’ll hold my hands up, when I had my ds I was alone and was totally mooning after his dad. Hopefully not to the point where I embarrassed myself, but I was jealous of his girlfriend because in my mind she stopped me being with my child’s father.
I mean, she didn’t, it would never have worked, I could never be myself around him and he irritates the crap out of me even now. But all the while I was with a new dp.

Got over that quick enough and still with our respective dps and happy- my ds sees his dads dp in such a positive light I’m glad he has her, I know she adores him.

I think my point is, it’s ok to feel like that- but to a point. If you have dc with your husband who you’ve been with since him, if you’re still ranking ex bf as number 1 man ever the one that got away etc and then you have him as your child’s godfather... I think it’s gone on long enough and you have to cut contact. There’s literally no reason to still be in touch besides hoping that his wife will leave and you can take her place. It’s just unhealthy.

Me too! Is he having a baby OP? Or have you left your partners and run off into the sunset?