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Original poster

Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

167 replies

Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 19:56

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 23:14

Marrying someone you are not really in love with or don't respect enough to prioritise as your primary partner is unconscionable

Well said @Knightinslightlytarnished

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/10/2019 23:18

Bless you, quite a mess you're in!

The pp who have told you that he's using you for an ego boost are correct! He knows exactly how you feel and you make him feel good about himself!

My advice would be to leave your husband, he deserves better than to be someone's second best, and you clearly aren't in a position to give your all to your marriage! Would you consider making your feelings known to your ex partner? If he says he doesn't feel the same then it's time to completely cut him off and start figuring out what makes you happy and go from there!

MadCattery · 30/10/2019 23:22

I fell in love with "A" when I was 17 and we were together until we were 23 and he told me he was 100% positive he never wanted children. We split and it was awful. I loved him always, but had to move on. Two years later I met "B" and fell for him, too. We married and had a lovely family. B loved children and was a great Dad. Even though A was still living somewhere deep in my heart, I can honestly say I never loved anyone more than I did B, when we had children and a happy life. I keep in touch with A, but we didn't have texting then, so it was a Christmas card one year, or a get together for coffee if I was in my hometown. Very rare, but I still had feelings. Once, he was driving through our state and B and I had him to dinner. 22 yrs in, B and I decided to split, also amicably. In fact, he remained my close friend until he died two years later! By then, (B and I had been apart for a year!) A and I had met up for coffee and have spent the last 12 years together since. I am so fortunate to have loved them both, and happy, too, that I am back with my first love. If A had children while we were apart, after we broke up over that, I would never have considered even speaking to him. I would have been heartbroken-not because I loved him more than B, not because I didn't love my own DH and family, but because of losing the "what might have been" and if he'd had a family with another woman, it would have extinguished that flame for good.I understand how you can truly love your own DH, but still have that special first love magic for your past. Just don't give into temptation. Love your DH and preserve your marriage, and if you want your marriage to improve, stop texting the old DP and start putting energy into your own DH. Many women still think of the one that got away! I hope you enjoy the years with your own DH, and hope everyone is happy in the end.

Mamboitaliano · 30/10/2019 23:38

I think he probably broke up with you.

And met someone before you met someone, so your 'moving on' was almost retaliatory.

And now he's going to have a baby with her - a wanted and planned baby. I really bet he doesn't feel the same about you at all, though probably enjoys the ego boost. If you have self respect (never mind respect for your partner) you'll extricate yourself from this sad situation.

user1481840227 · 30/10/2019 23:59

This is why most people tend to cut contact completely after break ups. Not all break ups are bad and some people are keen to remain friends just to keep their ex close if they can't be in a relationship with them, but it hurts and it's painful and it stops you from moving on.

I mean it's no way to live, bittersweet thoughts about them, wishing you were with them, dreading hearing news about them moving forward with their life.

You can't be with him, your husband isn't right for you either, you need to end contact with the ex and leave your husband and try to find someone that you're happy with.

trixiebelden77 · 31/10/2019 00:03

Your love of drama is making you arrogant and cruel. Your ex’s wife isn’t someone he ‘settled’ for despite secretly loving you: it’s who he chose.

This fantasy is making you treat your husband and his wife, human beings, with absolute contempt.

This is no way for an ethical person to live.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/10/2019 00:31

There’s a lot of bollocks on this thread. Who actually lives like this? Having children with someone they would dump in an instant if someone else clicked their fingers? That’s such a nasty, irresponsible, cruel way to behave.

And to say, “Ooh well, life’s messy, life’s not always ideal.” Grow up. This is your children’s well-being and happiness you are treating as unimportant.

Absolutely appalling.

Butterisbest · 31/10/2019 00:54

@Ghikknv
Captain Rhett really loves you, Ashley just wants to shag you. He loves Melly, she's a saint, he's not honourable he's a twat.
For fucks sake get a grip woman, Heathcliffe and Cathy had an incredibly dysfunctional relationship.
This is your real life, you're allowed to be a bit sad when an ex moves on but this level of involvement is ridiculous.
You're not in a book or a film.
You only have one shot at this life you're living, so maybe it's time to say goodbye to the past and concentrate on the good things that are present in your actual life. Let go of the fantasy.

Butterisbest · 31/10/2019 00:57

Btw, his wife's name is Melanie

JenniferM1989 · 31/10/2019 00:58

Give your head a wobble woman. He did not settle for his wife after being bereft over you. You were single and he could have gotten back together with you at any point and never. You're merely an ego boost now. He knows you hold a torch (it took you two years to move on, it didn't take him two years). He will quite enjoy having you around as this good friend knowing that if he clicked his fingers, you'd go running. Or, he might just be a nice guy and find it kinder to keep in touch and be good friends knowing you hold a torch and need him.

Describing any woman as being settled for is disgusting OP. If you're that fabulous to him, he would be with you and had plenty chance to be and never took it.

You should stop thinking of yourself and let all these people (your DH, kids, him, his wife and potential child) get on with their lives and find a hobby to replace this yearning you have

Goatinthegarden · 31/10/2019 05:44

It’s one thing to be ‘friends’ with an ex and another to speak to them several times a week.

I’m ‘friends’ with my ex. Occasionally we like each other’s posts on FB and about once a year, we have a polite, slightly formal catch up email along the lines of ‘oh your little one is so cute. Dparents are doing well, hope yours are too. That’s great news about your DSis. So sad to hear 100 year old granny has passed...’

You need to distance yourself from your Ex, if not for anyone other than your respective DPs.

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 05:49

This is why I'm sceptical of partners still being friends with their ex-partners. They are still involved and have shared history.

I don't get why anyone needs to be best friends or even friends with their ex, unless they have children (and let's face it at that point its bloody rare they are even talking nicely to each other).

I think people like to keep them around either for an ego boost like this guy is, or trying to be the 'cool' ex girlfriend/boyfriend. Honestly, I think it just makes them look clingy. Any time I've seen this happen, the ex is usually in the mind frame of 'I don't want them, but no one else can either'.

You need to cut contact op, and seriously work on your marriage. Your poor husband is who I feel sorry for, not you. You've lied to him for your entire relationship.

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 05:55

God I didn't see that you had said that your ex 'settled' for his wife. Just because he didn't choose you? How horrible are you? Shock

Just stop talking to this man and leave him alone.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 31/10/2019 06:37

My ex told his friend that he settled. That’s not my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 31/10/2019 06:38

I’m going to leave the thread now. Clearly the wrong place to post for advice. My apologies.

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 31/10/2019 06:44

Do you really think he married and started trying for a family because he couldn't have you? Even if he once did prefer you over her, his feelings have obviously changed. And if you split over an agreement and you're both so in love with each other, why did you not get back together?

trixiebelden77 · 31/10/2019 06:59

What an incredibly cruel person he must be to humiliate his wife by sharing that. And how awful to think you enjoyed hearing it.

SunshineCake · 31/10/2019 07:04

It is not that this is the wrong pace to ask for advice it is that it is the place where you won't, mostly, get there there when you are betraying your husband and your friends wife.

Loveislandaddict · 31/10/2019 07:05

@ghikkniv

Sorry you are leaving the thread. Will you let us know what the news is?

However, you have had a lot of good advice. Whether you choose to accept it is your decesion. Granted not everyone has been sympathetic to your cause, most most have informed you how they see it. It my not marry with what you think, but it’s the conclusion people have got from your posts,
.

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 07:12

Well come on op, how would you feel if your husband was still in love with his ex, saw her a couple of times a week privately, and thought that she settled for the guy she ended up with?

Would anyone be happy if they knew their partner thought that? Confused I certainly wouldn't be.

AnuvvaMuvva · 31/10/2019 07:27

It must have been a pretty big misunderstanding for it to finish your relationship and let you both marry other people.

penmanship · 31/10/2019 07:43

OP, if you genuinely believe the relationship finished due to a misunderstanding, that you’re best friends and that you both still want to be together, how come this misunderstanding wasn’t resolved before you both got married to other people? Surely you would have talked about it during that time and resolved it? The fact that this hasn’t happened suggests it may not be the “star crossed lovers kept apart” scenario you seem to think it is.

It sounds like your situation is really sad - in an unhappy relationship and in love with someone else. However, you have the power to change it. You need to go cold turkey with this man, consider separating from your husband (given you don’t love him and aren’t happy) and think about counselling help you move on.

diddl · 31/10/2019 07:46

I agree Anuvva.

If they both had wanted to be together, what on earth was stopping them?

What a surprise that Op has decided to leave the threadHmm

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 07:51

If they both had wanted to be together, what on earth was stopping them?

I think sadly that op is romanticising it a bit too much and thinks more of him than he does of her. Don't think it would be happening if she had a better relationship with her husband. Probably wouldn't even be friends with the ex.

It's not the husbands fault though, not blaming him. But think that is the reason behind it. If you're in a bad relationship you will think about how nice it would be to be in a better one. She is remembering that relationship and wants it back.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 31/10/2019 08:03

You are self sabotaging your happiness by keeping friendship so strong. Detach!
If you see him in a group great, but no individual meet ups or whatsapps or texts. You are just maintaining the closeness. That is what is painful for you.