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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

167 replies

Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 19:56

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

OP posts:
readitandwept · 30/10/2019 22:25

I wasn’t going to sacrifice having my own chance of happiness and much longed for children because of my ex.

My husband is a combination of supremely confident/self-assured and also emotionally distant. He’s the least jealous man ever. He doesn’t notice me half the time.

If what you're saying about your husband is true, it doesn't much sound like happiness to me. Or do you tell yourself those things about him to justify your feelings for another man?

SunshineCake · 30/10/2019 22:26

I would expect to feel sympathy for you as it took me a very long time to get over my first love but I have none. I am happy my ex has a family as it is what he wanted. Both of us have feelings for each other but we have no contact as we respect our marriages.

You have used your husband and I feel all my sympathy is for him.

Btw what is your exes wife's name?

FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 22:28

A one-sided emotional affair is an infatuation, unrequited love, limerance perhaps. Your ex isn't in love with you, if he was, he'd have done something about his feelings a long time ago. I'm pretty sure he knows exactly how strongly you feel about him, and he fucking loves it. What a fantastic ego boost.

You obviously believe yourself to be in love with him, and not your husband. I'm not surprised your husband is distant with you, he is probably aware that you are not fully engaged in life with him, where you and he are a team. Can't you see how selfish you are being? Where do your children fit in with all of this?

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:28

I can’t say her name as it would be outing.

OP posts:
Loveislandaddict · 30/10/2019 22:29

You’re invested emotionally into what he says. How would you feel if you only spoke to him once a week, or once every couple of weeks? You’re lusting over him, but he’s not available. Having a baby firmly tells you this.

You ask in your post how to survive it. The answer is to withdraw your involvement in his life, and let him focus on his new family. The lack of contact may hurt for a while. Fill your life with your dh and children, and let him focus on his life. You say your husband isn’t so aware if you, but maybe you are not so aware of him, if you are always thinking of your ex.

SunshineCake · 30/10/2019 22:29

That's the point! I'm sure mumsnetters would like to know if it is their husband you are mooning over.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/10/2019 22:30

It’s hard. I don’t want to distance myself because contact with him makes me very happy. He gets me in a way that no one else does. He listens to me. He supports me emotionally a huge amount. If I cut contact with him I would be bereft.

I'm not trying to be mean, or in any way funny... but your "punishment" for keeping him as a close part of your life, as someone to rely on to cheer you up and "get you", is that you'll be constantly crushed by him moving on. You have; and so is he.

The only way to make a decent life for yourself; and for your husband and family, is to cut him off; endure the sadness and get over him; and build a life that doesn't rely on him. It might be unthinkable now; but he's going to throw you into a deep state of despair if he ever cuts contact, either because he wants to or because his wife isn't happy about your level of contact... you're building your happiness on sand, someone else's sand.

memaymamo · 30/10/2019 22:35

Please read AnchorDownDeepBreath's post and take it to heart. You're just torturing yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 22:36

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know what’s normal

The way you feel about your ex, that’s how you’re meant to feel about the man you’re married to.

You love your ex, you know what love feels like. It’s a shame you married a man you didn’t have those feelings for.

SirVixofVixHall · 30/10/2019 22:45

You didn’t answer my questions OP ? Anyway ,I feel slightly torn here, because i have a friend who had a long standing friend, they socialised as a foursome as they were both married, both unhappy, and eventually they confessed their feelings, left their marriages and have been blissfully happy together for decades.
If you were both childless I would be saying leave your husband and tell this man you love him, life is short. But he may well now have a pregnant wife, you have children, so many people to hurt.
I would say though, that your husband’s emotional distance hurts you. Perhaps you need to try and address that. I wonder if you love him ?
In your place I would tell my friend that I had to cut contact, and why, and then I would leave him to get on with his life.

Why have you never told him ?

debsrose56 · 30/10/2019 22:45

If your ex left his wife tomorrow and said your the one he wants to be with would you leave your husband? If the answer is yes then you need to either distance yourself from your ex slowly and concentrate on your marriage or consider leaving your husband and finding love else were you are clearly not happy and life is to short. But either way I dont think it is healthy for you to keep your ex in your life its preventing you from truly moving on.

mswales · 30/10/2019 22:50

I'm so sorry you're getting all this anger and complete lack of empathy OP. The situation you're in is one many people have been in but this board isn't the place you'd be likely to find them I don't think. I have a very similar relationship with my ex, though he is currently single. If he was to have a child with someone I would also feel physical pain. I have a child with someone else and telling my ex I was pregnant was one of the worst moments of my life. Luckily my partner also has one big love that he also will always feel sad about losing so he gets that I still love my ex even if I can't be with him. And me and my partner don't have that deep love relationship and will separate sometime while our child is still little, but I also totally understand not wanting to break up your family and have him only see each parent half the time. That is also heartbreaking and the reason my partner and I are still together, as well as lack of money.
You will get a load of people saying 'well how could you have a kid with someone you didn't truly love, how can you be married to someone when you love someone else more?' etc etc etc but that is life. Relationships and love and marriage and kids are complicated and messy and it would be amazing if everyone ended up having families in happy marriages with the person they love more than anyone in the world but that is just not how it is! A lot of people do have that but they are very lucky. A lot of others make it work even though it's not the big romance. A great deal of others are unhappy. Some of those separate, some of them don't, for various reasons.
Anyway I've kind of digressed but I just had to make the point that you are not describing some outrageous terrible situation but one to me that sounds completely understandable. Of course you can't bear to cut off your ex - I could never do that either, I couldn't physically bear it, I'd rather never get over him and have that little ache inside forever than have a massive fucking visceral pain from losing him from my life.
I have no advice for you really I'm sorry, just wanted to say I completely get it and I'm sorry for what you'll go through if/when you find out. Knowing that I'll always be this extra special person to my ex as he is to me is the one thing that gives me the most comfort. And maybe we'll get back together in a few decades if that's what's meant to be. (not that I actually believe in "meant to be"! But if it is right for both of us at some point, it will happen). Hugs X

FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 22:52

What if your ex's news is not that his wife is pregnant, but that he is leaving her because he is still in love with you? Will you leave your husband and leap into your former boyfriend's arms? Is that what you are secretly hoping?

It's not going to happen. If you were meant to be together you would be. You wouldn't have married another man and had children with him. Quite how you managed to go through with all of that, whilst being madly in love with someone else is baffling.

thetardis · 30/10/2019 22:57

okay i'm opening a book on ex's news

4-1 he has cancer
3-1 one of his close relatives has cancer
2-1 his mrs is upduffed
evens he needs help deciding on his favourite crisp flavour

100-1 he declares undying love to op and whisks her away

KatyCarrCan · 30/10/2019 22:59

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the emotional drama of having a 'secret unrequited love' and frankly your DH and your DCs deserve better. So does your 'friend'.
I had a friend like you. I ended the friendship. She always wanted to talk about her ex. More than she ever spoke about her DH. She was like an infatuated teen and had a real aversion to growing up and taking responsibility for her life.

Shortfeet · 30/10/2019 22:59

Be happy for him.
You’ll probably grow out of these feelings

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 23:00

Bloody hell mswales, you’re in a right mess. I’ve rarely read something so utterly dysfunctional.

KatyCarrCan · 30/10/2019 23:00

thetardis can I have 10-1 on the news being unimportant but the OP finding it highly significant that he brought this news to her Hmm

Tardis
Examssuck · 30/10/2019 23:03

I can relate OP. I recently found out an ex I was very in love with had new house etc with partner and it did pang a bit.

BitOfFun · 30/10/2019 23:06

You stood in front of people and made VOWS to your husband. Yet here you are, making out that he's so secure in himself that he's practically Teflon and that he barely notices you anyway...that's awfully convenient as a justification for your disloyalty, isn't it?

I think you might benefit from some counselling. It can't be good for your sense of integrity to keep indulging this fantasy.

OhDeari · 30/10/2019 23:06

I'll give you one thing OP, you've been honest on this thread.

You might have to accept that though your heart is somewhere else, you need to stay right where you are. Also, the initial shock can wear off.

LiterallyCantBelieveIt · 30/10/2019 23:07

.

Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 23:08

You will get a load of people saying 'well how could you have a kid with someone you didn't truly love, how can you be married to someone when you love someone else more?' etc etc etc but that is life.

No it isn't. It's not "life" at all. You don't accidentally get married. It is a conscience choice that requires a decision, financial commitment, planning and follow through.

Marrying someone you are not really in love with or don't respect enough to prioritise as your primary partner is unconscionable. Just don't marry. Stay single. If you really want a child do it alone.

Grow up. This is like some teenager writing in their diary about their one true love. It's appalling really. How can you treat another adult with such a lack of respect?

Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 23:11

@thetardis
i'm opening a book on ex's news

I hope it is that he has come to say goodbye because he realises that he has been leading her on, his wife is upset by her constant contact with him and doesn't like it and its time to pull stumps on it because he wants to focus on his wife because they are trying for a baby.

OhDeari · 30/10/2019 23:12

Think of it like someone who emigrates. Their heart will always be at home (with only the fondest memories). Contact with loved ones in the homeland is great. But you've made a new life in a new country. That's what you need to be spending your time worrying about.
Maybe tell your DH that you're finding the impending news unsettling - he might be happy to be let in....