Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

[Ghikknv]

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

There's a blindingly obvious answer. CUT CONTACT. you're just torturing yourself and emotionally cheating on your DH.

Pringlesfortea so are you saying that I should tell my DH? What would that achieve? My children would end up seeing their parents half the time for what? Nothing.

This is why I'm sceptical of partners still being friends with their ex-partners. They are still involved and have shared history.

It’s hard. I don’t want to distance myself because contact with him makes me very happy. He gets me in a way that no one else does. He listens to me. He supports me emotionally a huge amount. If I cut contact with him I would be bereft.

Also, how can I explain it to him? To DH? It’s not possible.

ToEarlyForDecorations I understand why you would feel that way.

You need to disassociate yourself slowly so nobody notices. But you must move apart from him. What an awful position you've put all of you in by allowing this to go on .

He loves his wife.

Stop day dreaming of a time gone by and live in the present.

Tbh it doesn't matter what news he's telling you. The point is that you're in love with someone who isn't your husband. That isn't great is it.. and it needs sorting.

contact with him makes me very happy. He gets me in a way that no one else does. He listens to me. He supports me emotionally a huge amount. If I cut contact with him I would be bereft.

This is super sad. Especially for your husband. That's the role he should be filling in your life, not your ex.

It's hard, I get it. But it's time to make some choices, or it's going to be a very long life. It comes off like your husband is second best to you - that isn't fair unless you're honest about settling. You haven't been, it seems.

OP why did you never tell him how you felt, ages ago, after the “misunderstanding “ ?.?
If you broke up so easily are you sure you are not viewing the past through rose rimmed spectacles ?
Is he happy with his partner? Are you ?

What Northernlurker said. Slowly draw away. See him just a little less often, and less often still. No good can come of this. Of course no one gets you like he does because you're not allowing your poor husband to take that role.

You really can't go on having one foot in your own marriage and one in someone else's. It's not fair on either spouse and not even fair on yourself. You say you married because you wanted your own chance at happiness; give yourself that chance. Move on from the past and enjoy what you have in the present. You're never going to do that whilst this guy is around.

I’m a firm believer in that there’s a reason for everything and so there’s a reason why you split up, a reason why you didn’t get back together, a reason you each married someone else and a reason now, to let him go.

This sounds so silly. You split up over “a misunderstanding” and yet you both married other people but you still talk several times a week. It doesn’t make sense why you both married other people but you did and it’s completely inappropriate for you to have this friendship with your ex. If you were saying your DH has this sort of relationship with his ex, you and everyone else would say it’s our of order!

He might not be laughing at you but of course he knows how you feel. He is using you for an ego boost. Think about it. How marvellous to meet up with this sad little woman who is still married but is mooning around him 2 - 3 times a week. He's married to someone else. Why do you think he is seeing you? If it was reciprocal, he'd be with you.

You are both behaving in a shitty way but for very different reasons.

Get some self respect woman.

You're sad because it's the final proof that he'll never love you.

Problem is OP, you have had final proof several times - splitting up and marrying someone else is fairly definitive.

It's not 'hard'. It's easy. You can sort this quickly by making a pass at him.

You know he'll reject you in horror, don't you.

That's why you haven't.

OP, sometimes it's better to make the most of the life you have rather than indulge a delusional fantasy. No one else is making you sad but you.

I hope he his having a baby. Maybe this will make you wake up and move on.

He supports me emotionally a huge amount. If I cut contact with him I would be bereft.

That’s precisely why it’s not okay. It’s an emotional affair. Every speck of time and energy you invest in him is being taken away from your husband, your marriage and your family. Would you show your husband all of the messages you and your ex exchange?

YOU had children with someone else. Your ex gets to do the same.

Were you at each other’s weddings?

OP be honest with yourself. The reason you'll feel sad is because it makes it another degree less likely that you'll ever get back together with him.

You'll deny that's how you feel, that you don't want to get together again, that you're both in happy marriages - but you won't be telling the truth.

I very rarely feel much sympathy for men on here but I find myself feeling at least slightly sorry for your current husband. Does he know that you are mooning over some bloke who dumped you and has cheerfully moved on? Is he currently getting what he wanted out of your marriage (to be fair, some men would not actually be that bothered if Wifey 'had feelings' elsewhere as long as dinner was always on the table on time and there were enough clean pants.)
If your XP is a nice but not blindingly analytical man he and his wife might genuinely regard you as an 'old friend', but I wouldn't be that surprised if he's feeding his ego on the idea that you still can't let go, and his wife either finds you ridiculous or is hoping that this pregnancy will encourage her husband to cut down on the time he spends with you.

If you're not happy with your husband, make plans to leave him, but not so you can get back with the XP, who clearly isn't interested.

I have been on friendly terms with XPs and their new partners - it's a known thing that I am a much nice friend than a partner (because I don't like or do couplehood). So it's not impossible to stay on good terms with XPs. However, this sort of mooning does no one any good.

How would you feel if your husband was meeting up with an ex, who he freely admitted he "still loves very much?"
I think you need to stop seeing him for the sake of your family.

Please leave your husband he deserves so much more.

You are still in love with your ex, despite him having moved on without you. You have to cut contact. Can't you see how unfair you are being on your husband? You should be getting emotional support from him, not another man. If his news is that he is having a child with his wife, then use that as a reason to stop seeing him.

I echo what other posters have said, you need to cut all contact with him, no matter how you feel. You have your own dh and children to think about, he's moved on, you need to as well. No good can come from this. You will get over it.