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Original poster

Ex-boyfriend’s news is going to make me really sad

167 replies

Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 19:56

So my ex-boyfriend is still a good friend as we have a big overlap in friends and we get on very well. He has been a huge support to me over the years and I actually consider him to be my best friend. However, despite us both being married to other people, I know deep down that I still love him very much.

I’m meeting him on Friday and I’m 99% sure it’s so that he can tell me that he and his wife are expecting. I’m pleased for him (I have children too) but I know it will really really hurt.

I know there’s no easy answer. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of something like this and whether you survived it!!??

OP posts:
Herewegoagain84 · 30/10/2019 22:02

You won’t be able to cope/deal with it if you’re in contact 2-3 times per week with no possible resolution to your “problem”. Either leave your DH and tell your ex about your feelings, or stay with your DH and cut off all contact with the ex.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:02

How does your husband feel about him?
He likes him.

Do you like his wife?
Yes she’s perfectly nice. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t choose her as a friend because we don’t have much in common. She seems like a good wife. A friend told me that ex ‘settled’ for her because he was hurt over me but I don’t know for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:04

How do you know what the news is?
Because he told me they’re trying and he wants to meet up in person as he has some ‘news’.

OP posts:
Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 22:04

He appears to get something out of our friendship too.

Yes. An ego stroke. Repeatedly. I'm sure it makes him feel very macho to know you are just dangling on the end of his string panting for him to tug on it.

Wake up to yourself. You aren't listening to anyone here.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:05

you're investing much more into it than he is
What makes you think that?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 22:05

Would you leave your husband for him?

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:07

Would you leave your husband for him?
My ex has always been my number one but he’s taken. Am I supposed to never look at another man until I forget about my ex? It hasn’t happened yet.

OP posts:
thetardis · 30/10/2019 22:07

What makes you think that?

the fact that you "still love him" while he's actively trying to start a family with his wife :)

SpinneyHill · 30/10/2019 22:07

Has your husband ever questioned your feelings for this bloke?

FavouriteSoul · 30/10/2019 22:09

It sounds as if you see yourself as some kind of romantic heroine, parted from her one true love by the fickle finger of fate. Face facts. If he genuinely wanted you, he would have taken action when you announced you were getting married. As it is, he probably breathed a sigh of relief.

You are not starring in your very own chick flick with a happy ending where you and the ex end up living happily ever after with one big blended family, including the understanding wife and husband, nodding and smiling in the background.

Loveislandaddict · 30/10/2019 22:11

is ex having a baby making you grieve for the life you thought you would have with him? Having the baby means that she is tied to him forever, whoever the marriage survives long term, or not.

You are definantly having an emotional Affair with him (and him with you). How does your dh and his dp feel about you both being in contact so much? If I was her, I would be suspect.

“AIBU - my dp and I are expecting our first child, bit dp still talks to ex 2-3 times a week, but says it’s innocent. What do you think?”

I agree with the other posters, you need to cut contact. He’s like a drug to you which you need to give up. It’s not healthy for his or your marriage.

Incidently, how would you feel if , when the baby arrives, he focuses on his dp and baby, and naturally has less contact with you. That should be what happens.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:12

Well I loved him while starting a family of my own so I don’t think it’s a ridiculous thought.

OP posts:
Cohle · 30/10/2019 22:12

My ex has always been my number one but he’s taken.

If my DH felt that another woman had always been his number one I would be heartbroken.

Your current situation is untenable OP, it's not fair to anyone involved.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 22:12

Good grief though..

When my ex got married, I felt sad about what could've been and I also thought I'd be quite upset if he had kids as I have fertility issues.

As it turns out I have ended up feeling really sad for them as by coincidence they are infertile.

Because it's not normal to feel sad about positive

My ex was once my number one but guess what, he hasn't been for many a year, why? Because he chose someone else over me, so I could never have been his number one.

Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 22:13

My ex has always been my number one but he’s taken. Am I supposed to never look at another man until I forget about my ex? It hasn’t happened yet.

You are an embarrasment to yourself. You aren't a 16 year old. You have a husband. How would you feel if he was saying this about his ex who was his number one and you were a poor second best.

Do your husband a favour and get a divorce so he can find someone for whom he is number one.

This is a really nasty thread actually. Think about reading all this if it was your husband writing about you.

An adult way to deal with a relationship that is over where you still have feeling for the person is to cut contact so you move on. You are embarrasing yourself by having your tongue hanging out after this bloke. Of course he knows how you feel and is using you by keeping you around. People aren't stupid.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:14

Has your husband ever questioned your feelings for this bloke?
No. My husband is a combination of supremely confident/self-assured and also emotionally distant. He’s the least jealous man ever. He doesn’t notice me half the time.

OP posts:
thetardis · 30/10/2019 22:15

so in your idea of a happy ending, he leaves his upduffed mrs and you drive away into the sunset? with or without your child/ren?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/10/2019 22:16

What a mess.
You’re both having an emotional affair and not being fair to either of your spouses. You do need to start lessening contact. Your DH should be the one you turn to-he’s your life partner.

Loveislandaddict · 30/10/2019 22:16

“Would you leave your husband for him?
My ex has always been my number one but he’s taken. Am I supposed to never look at another man until I forget about my ex? It hasn’t happened yet.”

So you are waiting until he becomes free again, to marry him.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 22:16

I suggest you concentrate on fixing or ending your marriage preferably without taking someone else's marriage down with you

Ohyesiam · 30/10/2019 22:18

How “ in” your relationship with your husband do you feel?

slashlover · 30/10/2019 22:18

My ex has always been my number one but he’s taken. Am I supposed to never look at another man until I forget about my ex? It hasn’t happened yet.

It wont happen until you decide to break contact with your ex. Your poor DH, do you love your DH?

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:20

How “in” your relationship with your husband do you feel?
I don’t know. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know what’s normal. I have never had any couple role models as it were, to show what a normal healthy marriage is like.

OP posts:
Wilmalovescake · 30/10/2019 22:20

You’re having an emotional affair.

Original poster
Ghikknv · 30/10/2019 22:22

How can it be an emotional affair if, as you say, it’s one sided and I’m “embarrassing myself”? A one sided EA?

OP posts:
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