Dating thread 173 - Winter is coming - 'cuffing' is optional

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

Some good updates here, hope all those on dates this weekend have a nice time! Leaving it til next year is prob a good idea if you're not feeling it supercali and esp if you've had some shit experiences. shitwith just wanted to echo the others that you're not just a single mum, although I feel the same as you sometimes so it was good to read the reassuring words.
MrY and I have had our first little wobble but I think we're OK. It wasn't my fault but I still had to resist the urge to apologise (my default) but basically I brought up some behaviour that I wasn't happy about. I'm determined to keep my boundaries in place and there's some things I won't tolerate, but I can't expect him to know if I don't verbalise. So it was a little awks but seems to be resolved.
I've decided to let him come over for a film after dc is in bed but not stay over. Its no different to having a friend over and I've given it plenty of thought. L word has been said

[MoreNiceCereal]

I agree with @BatshitCrazyWoman and everyone else. I have an insanely busy life and am far too hard on myself, but I do try to remember that what I'm doing (work, uni and kids) is important - but also so am I. I'm not important because of what I do, but just me.

This week has been weird, with the kids off school and some friends have been staying (not as proper house guests but using my house as a bit of a respite from stress), I still have had uni and work, so it's been a bit overwhelming. Going to see Mr G at the airport tonight, his flight is in the morning. So although I'm glad to see him it also heralds him leaving the country. He doesn't have his schedule for when he returns, either. So kind of bittersweet.

I'm going out with friends dressed up in day of the dead costumes tomorrow night though. Most of my friends are much younger than me - clubbing at my age seems a bit weird! But they are fun and will take my mind off things.

[EchoElephant]

Nice to see some good updates.

Hugs to those who are struggling. OLD really messes with your head.
I often feel inadequate compared to some of the men I chat to when they tell me about their travels and hobbies etc. But I know there's very little I would change in my life, if I had the chance.

I've put myself back on the apps. I'm not getting a lot of interest but I'm not really bothered.
I have one iron, Mr Builder. We have vague plans to meet next week. He says he wants a relationship but keeps moving the chat towards sex. And I refuse to go there before I've met him, so he apologises but then does it again.
I'm just treating it as a bit of fun for now. And see what happens if we actually meet.

[Ant330]

@shitwithsugaron is this just you feeling like this, or is he saying (or not saying) things to make you feel inadequate in comparison.
And I'll hold my hands up and say you're all right, us dads get a bloody easy life in comparison. Yes there is a huge downside in not seeing my son every day, and honestly I'd happily swap. But, even though I see my son 3x a week I have a lot of free time compared to when we all lived together, and I don't have to deal with all the washing, ironing, packed lunches etc etc etc
The reason for my question shitwith is that he should be reassuring you, whereas it just sounds like he's telling you about all the interesting things he's doing. I saw quite early on that MissH would worry about similar things - my social life, interests, activities I do with my son. All of which she struggles to find the time or the money for, juggling a job and 3 kids, with an ex who does and pays the absolute bare minimum while still pretending to be super dad 🙄
So she needs reassurance and support and it doesn't sound like you're getting that?

[lifegoes]

Thank you @saltysally @Eesha @BatshitCrazyWoman I'm not expecting anything from it tbh. But it's just nice to be reminded that this is how things should be.

I agree with everyone's comments @shitwithsugaron single mums are the best. After I left my sons dad, I don't even remember what I did for years. Other than work and look after him. It wasn't until he started getting older that I actually got a bit more time for me.

You are amazing don't ever forget that.

[eyebrowsofinstagram]

That's a really nice post @Ant330, you sound like a great catch for Miss H, and I'm glad you're back together. (I read all these threads- don't always get the chance to comment!)

I have to say being a single working mum is incredibly hard- especially when you try to introduce something new to the mix like dating (let alone battling your ex or keeping up with friends or fitness).

I'm sounding much worse than most of you, and I wonder why I'm finding it so hard. I've been living separately from ExH for over 4 years. Only just dipping my toe in OLD - even though my mind has wanted it for ages, I knew I couldn't cope adding anything else to the mix.

Anyway, I've got a date tomorrow with someone who I am really excited about. But basically I've been off work sick this week panicking about it.

And the last date I had in September with someone I was keen on, I was off work sick that week too.

I think my poor body can only cope with so much, and if something new comes into the mix, something else has to give.

Also @lifegoes pleased to hear about your new promising iron!

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

Mr Beard stopping by my work in 55 minutes for my lunchbreak. Mad but silly not to since he's driving past and otherwiae lives a faor distance away (rule whatever it is 're:meeting soon)

Really enjoying talking to him. Not sure if there'll be a spark or not

[Ant330]

Thanks eyebrows yes I'm glad we're together. I don't post about us much as it tends to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster but I think we've made some good progress the last few weeks. Still holding a little bit back and I'm nowhere near pronouncing the L word yet.
She blindsided me a bit this week though, and asked me to do something with her and her daughter related to her future education. Apparently I'll ask the right questions and they both want me to go. For a woman that I would describe as the antithesis of a lovebomber, I think this is her way of indicating she wants me involved in her life. I played it cool, but inside I was doing a little dance
I do have concerns about stepping on her ex's toes though, so although I've said yes I need to discuss with both of them how he would interpret it and whether it's a good idea.

[MoreNiceCereal]

Cuffing season it is - an iron has popped up on WhatsApp complimenting my new profile pic. How do I tell him I'm seeing someone? He made a vaguely flirtatious comment about treats (my pic is me in a skeleton costume for Halloween)

[MoreNiceCereal]

I feel slightly awkward for some reason.

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

Oh. I liked him.
I feel a bit... giddy

[Bluezoo123]

Yay nomore and shit glad you ironed things out and no shame in seeking help when you need it.

[Peanutbuttermouth]

It's lovely to read everyone's supportive posts for single mums! We definitely get the short straw in terms of time, resources, energy, yet we do generally end up with the relationship with the kids that we want. I'd say that's a win in the end.
I have a first date tonight, Mr Manc. I'm surprisingly looking forward to it as his chat has been good, his texting consistent and he seems to think that everything I do and say (so far!) is amazing! I've also got a lunch date next wed with someone in his 20s, Mr environment, who doesn't yet know I have kids, far less hopeful about that one.
Enjoy your Fridays everyone

[CodLiverOil556]

Single mother here too! Luckily MrM hasn't got kids so slightly easier to date him. I also have a trusted babysitter on hand to sit for me whilst I go out. I also have every other weekend to myself.

I'm seeing MrM this evening for Chinese and movie 😁

Happy Friday dates for everyone who has them!

[Peanuthedz]

Sounds promising @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking and @lifegoes

@supercali77 I'm with you on the "my life is too shit and difficult currently to gather the energy to date. Plus there's sod all out there" bench. Although I'm not actually looking. I have sparkling water only as I seem to have piled on the pounds eating unhealthy food with Mr U. Sorry. Snack-free bench although low calorie tonic is allowed to have with our gin.

I'm really missing him today. I guess that's how it goes. Just over two weeks, not long.

[Peanuthedz]

@shitwithsugaron glad you sorted things out with Mr B. It sounds like it was one of those positive wobbles which move everything forward.

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Mr Manc was awful 😑 Looked about a decade older than in his pics, didn't have a huge amount to say for himself, drank drove home!!
I think I might be done with dating too...

[BackInAtLast]

I had a date with MrCareerChange last night and it was lovely. He seemed refreshingly honest talking about his teenage daughter who is pretty rebellious (I relate!)...and was quite the silver fox. Bit shorter than me, drove an hour to meet and I'm his first date since split last year and they met when they were 16 so he's taking it slow and so just a hug, but a lovely message when he got home to say it was really nice to meet me and start to get to know me...happy with that.

Am meeting MrMaserati tmw eve as that was already arranged...im not comfortable with different dates happening but it's a juggle if you wait and you don't get on isn't it? So will see what transpires tmw.

[InTheTempest]

Definitely hard dating as a single mum. I only manage it because I have help from family.

Mr Cath Fach stayed over last night so I'm in my moony post sex haze. I chickened out of saying I like him. I'm an idiot, I know it. I would be so sad to not have all the messaging each day, and obvs the sex. Was sooo good again last night. I could quite happily be woken at 4am like that every night 😂

[StealthNinjaMum]

There are some lovely updates here. @KermitRulesOK @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking @lifegoes this all sounds promising. Sorry to those I missed out.

@shitwithsugaron yay! I knew that things would end up ok but I was worried.

On the subject of being a single mum this is yet another area where Mr R makes my exh look bad. My exh saw no value in what I did (bringing up our children with sen, general homemaking, attending to his parents) but was happy to do zero parenting and gallivant around drinking, going away without us etc. Even though Mr R doesn't have children, he acknowledges I am busy, thinks it's great that I look after my kids, and is happy to fit into my life. Mr R met the dc for a second time last week, this time I cooked him a meal while dc flittered in and out of the kitchen. They really like him and have asked if he can come to the cinema with us! I have told him that he is a friend but I suspect they know that more might be happening. I'm still going to take things slowly because it's only been six months and thanks to mumsnet I am super cautious.

[MoreNiceCereal]

Stayed over at Mr G's hotel last night and waved him off at the airport this morning. The more I get to know him the more I like him. It's most surprising; I didn't think I could feel this way again, really.

He doesn't know when he'll be back here, maybe December. But he told me he would fly out here on his own if necessary. Whatever this is we have, wherever it's going, it's really really nice.

[MoreNiceCereal]

On the subject of single parenting, Mr G is a single father to his two DC; a sad story actually. His ex died due to drug addiction as a result of being prescribed percocet (sp?) due to going back to work 2 weeks after a C-section. No maternity leave in the States. Her father is still around and looks after the kids while he is out here working but he misses them like crazy and hates being away so much. By all accounts they are doing ok now and used to the routine, but his teenage dd doesn't have any adult woman in her life. I know he isn't looking for a replacement mother in me, but I have dd's myself so I can't help but feel a bit wistful at the thought of his daughter growing up without women in her life. Same as I do about my ds growing up without a good man to look up to.

Life's bloody hard isn't it.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

Update from me: I had my first date with MrDr yesterday. We live 2 hours from each other so I had suggested somewhere halfway. We met at a lovely pub and spent nearly 5 hours chatting. This was no surprise as we had been messaging every day/night since we met 2 weeks ago.

I'm finding it difficult to articulate as I don't want to sound like a sap, but we are both very natural with each other and have so much in common, yet in other aspects we don't. He's super intelligent, self deprecating and bloody funny! On a physical scale he's not what I'd usually go for at all! He's the same height as me (I'm 5ft 4) and I've always been attracted to taller men....I know that sounds shallow! However I've given my head a wobble on this as he has so far ticked an awful lot of boxes. The only thing he hasn't talked about yet is his relationship history. He's early 50s with no kids, but briefly mentioned an ex earlier on in our conversations via messaging. I'm not particularly thinking it is a red flag, but do want to know. I've been quite open about my past so I suppose I should give him time. I'm kind of desperate to know though 😂. Whereas I'm late 40s with adult kids and a chequered past relationship wise. He doesn't seem put off, though.

So he insisted on paying for the meal but acknowledged he knew I would want to pay half etc. He wasn't patronising just very astute about my views on being equal etc. He walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed each other on the cheek....I think we both wanted to kiss each other properly but we're both too shy (FFS) to do it. When I got home we continued to message each other all evening just chatting about everything and laughing.

I like him very much and have to say I can't quite believe how we connect/get on. Argh!!! I honestly wasn't looking for this...Thankfully I think he is equal in wanting to be sensible as it is very early days! He has to travel overseas next week for work and the following weekend I'll be busy so we probably won't manage to meet up again until a few weeks time. I kind of like the distance too, if it doesn't work out I don't risk bumping into him, but I have a feeling he might be around for a while for some reason!