Dating thread 173 - Winter is coming - 'cuffing' is optional

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

[BackInAtLast]

🤦🏻‍♀️ sorry @Peanutbuttermouth my previous comment was meant for @putastrawunderbaby

@Peanutbuttermouth I get it...that feeling they are all the same, it's such a huge effort and very jading. I'm not sure what to suggest as I often feel the same, tu just as I attempt to come off, the algorithms wake up and the universe sends a cheery iron, so you never know!

[Peanuthedz]

Yeah I guess it is pretty vile. It was an affectionate slap. I was just really annoyed at the presumption of it. And yeah actually the publicness, I did feel embarrassed.

My boundaries with men are shocking for reasons I don't need to go into here. It took me half a life time to realise I could say no. So on the smaller things I'm often confused as to whether they're out of order or not. Or it takes other people to tell me they're not on. Which is probably one of the reasons I spent 15 years with an abusive man but anyway....

[Peanuthedz]

The more I think about it the more annoyed I am.

@putastrawunderbaby weirdly I was wondering what had happened to you en route to my date last night... better to know early on. That's my attempt at being positive!

[Notcoolmum]

Wow @putastrawunderbaby what a lucky escape.

@Peanuthedz arse slapping is bizarre. I had an iron do that to me but it was in his kitchen was was playful and clearly an attempt at intimacy. But it still felt a bit odd.

@shitwithsugaron I hope you are ok. You seem to be blaming yourself for the latest bump but there are two of you in be relationship. Hard to comment without knowing more but if you are displaying insecurities that will be as a reaction to his behaviour. And he doesn't seem to have been reassuring back to you. Mr S told me my insecurities Were driving is apart. And then he dumped me saying he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. So I wasn't being needlessly insecure. I had picked up he wasn't committed to me and so felt inside and insecure. Quite rightly!!

[Peanuthedz]

@Notcoolmum yes it was affectionate an attempt to be intimate. But he's not my BF.

@shitwithsugaron I agree, I hope you're ok this evening. Well and now obviously. But he does sound like he's not being reassuring and is very focussed on his own needs.

[Eesha]

@shitwithsugaron couldn't run and not post. Wipe those thoughts from your head. I used to think the same , just a stay at home mum. But think about it, that's a hugely important thing, and you have friends, just limited time. Sorry but it's much easier for men who don't have full time childcare responsibilities. If he does want someone who does loads, then fair enough. But you should also be happy in yourself too. I pride myself as being able to afford to stay with my young kids early on having left an abusive relationship. I have lots of friends but people are busy so don't have that much free time anyway. I have nothing to be embarrassed about!

[Peanuthedz]

@shitwithsugaron I know exactly the kind of man you mean. I would feel like you too and I have and do. I have no wise words but I can offer understanding which may help. A bit.

[SimonJT]

@shitwithsugaron “I’m just a single parent”.

So you’re ‘just’ a chef, cleaner, nurse, personal shopper, teacher, party planner, chauffeur etc.

Where as he just goes to work and had a few hobbies that he actually doesn’t have to commit to as if he didn’t quit nothing bad would happen.

[Peanutbuttermouth]

I think many of us single mums have felt the same but as Eesha said it's so much easier for men. You could also be super active and interesting and into everything if you only had your dc every other friggin weekend!! Sorry, don't know your childcare split but men generally end up with so much more time and energy.

[Peanutbuttermouth]

And if your guy doesn't understand that then sack him off. No man is worth you feeling inadequate and insecure.

[JeSuisPrest]

Just echoing previous posters @shitwithsugaron. ExH dropped DD off yesterday morning and asked if I'd sorted a pumpkin for her?

Spent yesterday lunch time at 3 different supermarkets trying to find one that wasn't moudly/mishapen/the size of a turnip, got home at 6pm, scooped and carved the bloody thing, made dinner, got 2 loads of washing done, ironed uniforms for today, did spellings and homework, restitched part of her shop bought halloween outfit that fell apart after trying it on, put the sweets in bowls for the kids that will knock before I get home (my mum is there), prepared dinner for tonight, made packed lunches, text the builder about part of the ceiling that had come down again (after he fixed it 3 months ago), put new batteries in the central heating control, brought some wood up from the basement for the woodburner and probably a hundred other things I can't even remember. What did ex do? Probably sat on his arse watching football on the TV feeling smug that he'd reminded me to get a pumpkin.

Yes I could have a hundred hobbies and be very interesting if I had 10/14 nights to myself, but all I can manage is to plonk my arse down at 9.30pm with a brew and a digestive before it all starts again the next day.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Hey guys. Just checking in. I have missed the last few threads. Hope you are all having a lovely time and for those who aren’t - chin up!

I am having no luck, no dates, not even any potentials but I’m on holiday and the sun is shining so I’m ok!

[EchoElephant]

putastrawunderbaby wow!! He has some serious problems there. Hope you're ok after hearing all that.

shitwithsugaron you are so much more than just a mum. Never compare yourself to someone who has very few day to day commitments and is free to do as many hobbies as they please.
What matters is the time that the two of you spend together and how that makes you feel.

[BackInAtLast]

With you too @JeSuisPrest yesterday was at work for ridiculous o clock, DD 18 was sick at home just after I left (anxiety). Made it to college but needed collecting after lunch, drafting parents in to help while at work.

After work cooked dinner for last night and today and collected boys to go to 6th form open evening, trailed around, then take to Scouts, got home at 9.00 after having quick cuppa with BFF whose son has moved school yesterday so wanted to support and see how it had gone and incredibly managed to resist vino 2 days before the end of GoSober.

Get home and saw Insta post from SBXH (on his business account) on a cooking exam DS 15 did at school, taking all credit for son success, saying due to his family background interest in food and having your own business This despite living hundreds of miles away and not doing a single thing to take him to a (Michelin star) restaurant (as bday present from me), get chef to show him round, buy ingredients and do a 6 hour practice with son....except reply 'That's amazing' when I sent photos and he posted my pics

What is it with them?!

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

Mr Beard and i have been chatting more. He's currently on holiday with his siblings and 4 under-5s. Said he's not sure if he wants any of his own but is clearly not afraid of spending time with children. Is it ridiculous if I have a tiny bit of hope that there's a spark?
My only concern, having been msging, is if he's a bit too serious but then not everybody can do levity through text so I really need to meet him. He seems keen but is not hugely local to me... we only matched because he's on holiday at a Centre Parcs within my 'catchment'!

[Peanuthedz]

Hey @Marlboroandmalbec34

[Peanuthedz]

@shitwithsugaron but it's the difference between knowing it objectively and feeling it. I know I'm clever and funny and attractive. Objectively. But I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm substandard. So i may as well not be any of those things. So I generally go for lame ducks, or men who are a bit different. Or dim. Because I can't deal with the insecurity/inferiority of being with a clever:handsome/successful man.

[thingsaregoingtochange]

Hello
 
Can I join in with the conversation, I just need to write all this down.  I think I’ve been well and truly played and from start to finish makes no sense to me at all and be warned this is going to be epic!
 
I posted a while a go about a guy I’d met on Bumble and looking back now I think I was love bombed.  Very early on he was saying he was in love we me and project stuff for the future.  Now me being a complete idiot fell for it all.  No man has ever said that he loved me and I think I just got caught up in it and totally believed him.
 
The last time I saw him was 5 weeks ago, we stayed up in London and had a wonderful time.  Since that moment it all changed, started being busy with work, travelling, board meetings, breakfast meetings, working at weekends.  We’d arrange to meet and he’d get stuck in a meeting, couldn’t pick a call because he was (yes you’ve guessed it) in a meeting.  Basically no time for me but he continued to say all these wonderful things to me, saying how much he wanted to me with me and that at the moment he’s been really stacked at working and can’t give me the quality time I deserved and to bear with him.  At the time it sounded very plausible and I guess just enough truth for me to keep me there.. i.e. crumbs.
 
Two weeks ago I actually sent him a text finishing it (I would have called but I had my doubts as to whether he would pick up), I’d just got to the limit of his flaky behaviour.  Initially I got no response to that text but two days later he did respond saying “hey, we need to meet for a glass of wine, I owe you an explanation.  I haven’t had time to give you the attention you deserve so buried my head in my work but couldn’t get you out of my head”.  I responded a while later saying ok, lets meet and talk which he agreed to and said that he’d really missed me.  Anyway, we arranged to meet on the Thursday after work.  He text on Wednesday and I thought just maybe whatever was going on with work may have changed and he was back and might make it up to me, I sent a text checking he could still meet up and he said yes of course.  Thursday comes and you’ve guess it he flaked on me again because of work and I haven’t spoken to him since (coming up to two weeks)
 
Now I know I shouldn’t waste anymore time on this guy but I just don’t get his actions, he probably doesn’t get his actions either.  He might has well have ghosted me when I tried to end it but oh no he throws another carrot out there.  Why come back with a half arsed attempt to meet up and explain to then disappear… I find it all very weird and have never been treated like this.   Anyway, all I can say is his loss and I bet he has form for this sort of thing… gets it too deep and runs.  My friends have bets are on to see how long he takes to get in contact, I’m not sure that he will, I’d be embarrassed if it were me.   Anyway just wanted to add to the dating stories on here as I love reading them and if anyone is going through a crap dating time.. you’re not on your own!

[Eesha]

@thingsaregoingtochange sounds like pure lovebomhing and he is breadcrumbing you to keep you interested. As I've read so many times here, if you have to wonder so much about what's actually going on, it's probably dead in the water. I hope you take heart from other positive stories on here and move on

[thingsaregoingtochange]

I just don't understand the motives behind it all. Why keep me there when he knows he can't give me what I want. I would have thought he'd accept that I ended it. I gave him an out if he wanted it. It did cross my mind that he was playing up just so that I ended it and he didn't have to but he kept coming back strong.

I haven't given up hope on men I know from the stories on here that good guys exist. I think this guy is a good guy just not in a position for a relationship but just an ego stroke and I fell for it... and I thought I was clued up!

[Chocolate123]

@thingsaregoingtochange unfortunately there's a lot out there like that they keep you dangling with their promises that they aren't going to keep. I'd make sure he couldn't contact me again by blocking him. He's messed with your head enough. Onwards and upwards

[thingsaregoingtochange]

I haven't blocked him but have deleted every trace of him, has helped with the mental headspace.

I also know for future that if any guy comes on strong just hang back and try and pace them. I do feel bloody stupid though, what an idiot for believing him

[Chocolate123]

@thingsaregoingtochange don't feel stupid I think most of us have been there . I certainly have. Now I look back on it as a learning curve of a crazy journey of OLD.