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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

162 replies

MrsTliveshere · 29/10/2019 08:59

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 29/10/2019 09:00

I think going away and leaving your daughter would be a very bad idea.

atlanticblueandgreen · 29/10/2019 09:00

I think this would be an awful thing to do, I’m sorry.

loveyoutothemoon · 29/10/2019 09:03

Why would you leave your daughter???

Mmmmdanone · 29/10/2019 09:04

I think you should. Might give then a wake up call. Or just leave him altogether as he's awful.

Qu1tter · 29/10/2019 09:06

I can understand the desire to leave your DH but your DD is still a child who is figuring things out and from the sounds of it one who needs your presence. If you do need to get away, take her with you. It might be an opportunity for you to strengthen your relationship with her.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 29/10/2019 09:06

Do you have professional input with your daughter? What difficulties is she experiencing?

Mumofone1962 · 29/10/2019 09:08

Leave husband home and have a girly spa Christmas getaway. Last year we went to a spa hotel with our son for Christmas and was lovely! So relaxing and fun to be looked after. I think your daughter would love to hear you offer some 1:1 time and would hopefully behave as would be so excited! Please go away and enjoy and husband can do his own thing!

MistyKoala · 29/10/2019 09:08

I think leave the DH (permanently?!), take the DD.
Not contributing to the house is a tough one, it can get very draining. I don’t think my DP really understood what a mental load it was, but after a lot of conversations he did. He was willing to talk about it and now he’s amazing round the house!
Very hard when you’ve had all the convos and nothing changes, I sympathise. Can you live with it for another however many years?

MissBPotter · 29/10/2019 09:11

When I read your title i thought no way. But having read your thread I think maybe you should. You are probably in need of a break.

Having said that I doubt your lazy husband will change on your return. He will probably just order take away and pile up the washing up for you to do on your return. Then use it against you in every argument in the future. Maybe ask him to move out rather than just dump his lazy ass on the sofa for two weeks. I don’t think I could put up with that. With a disabled child especially, he must have no respect for you if he expects you to do everything.

Dacquoise · 29/10/2019 09:16

Hi MrsT, from your post you sound thoroughly frustrated and exhausted. I feel for you. You have tried to get your husband to engage and he hasn't so what is the consequence of that? Perhaps you need to think about whether you want to stay in this marriage and what it would be like if you decided to separate from him?

As for your daughter, I would be loathe to 'abandon' her at Christmas despite your resentment. She will probably not forget this in a hurry and it may cause lasting damage to your relationship with her. Perhaps her behaviour is a reflection of the underlying tensions in your household.

However, it sounds like you need a break. Perhaps some space to think things through. How about a weekend away with family or friends? Taking up yoga and meditation to help with your stress levels?

What about dialing down the arrangements for Christmas? Cut it back to the minimum. Token presents. Simple meal. Since I got divorced, Christmas is pajama day at home, nice meal and rubbish telly. I used to entertain the world and get myself in a right old state. And you know what, I love my Christmases now.

Best of luck

IndeterminateDate · 29/10/2019 09:19

I would not leave my DD behind.

OlderthenYoungerNow · 29/10/2019 09:20

I would. Go away to a spa or somewhere hot for 3 nights.

chamenanged · 29/10/2019 09:20

I think it's pretty awful to consider doing that to a 13 year old whose life doesn't sound much fun as it is. She didn't marry your husband.

Lillygolightly · 29/10/2019 09:21

Instead of going say which could be damaging for your DD why don’t you NOT do a few things such as:

  1. Don’t buy your DH any presents
  2. Don’t buy presents for his parents
  3. Don’t buy presents for yourself for him/kids to give you.

Do:

  1. Buy yourself some lovely things from yourself
  2. Buy presents for your parents
  3. Do the things for Xmas that you enjoy

You can still have a good Christmas without having to be a martyr to it all. In laws didn’t get presents, not your fault that DH didn’t make the effort. DH didn’t get any presents to open, oh well he should have made an effort to buy you presents in years gone by. Next year he can purchase his own and you can hand them back to him on Xmas day in the Amazon boxes they arrived in.

As for DD Christmas crafts or outings like Panto she can still go to but is earned with good behaviour.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/10/2019 09:22

Go minimal.
Book Christmas lunch out.
One present each.
Book a weekend away for yourself in the new year.

Original poster
MrsTliveshere · 29/10/2019 09:22

My DD behaves badly towards me constantly. She's lying, shoplifting, drinking. I have paid for private therapists, two different ones - she refused to go after a few sessions. Am using techniques from The Explosive Child and we are getting support from professionals to use Triple P. She will verbally and physically attack me and its very hard to live with that with no support from your DH - especially as this has been going on for 5 years.

Her behaviour is recognised as being outside normal teenage stuff. We referred by Dr to CAHMS but after her initial interview they decided she was fine.

I often book trips away just the two of us to try to connect and give her special times and they always turn into a nightmare. IE, she wanted to go to London to do clothes shopping and we set a generous budget - when it was spent - despite my explaining after each purchase the balance she exploded and refused to talk to me for the remainder of the trip.

I know no longer ask her to do anything in the home - too scared of the fallout - and try to avoid any conversations that could go off track - we are constantly walking on eggshells around her.

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 29/10/2019 09:23

instead of going AWAY

EleanorReally · 29/10/2019 09:23

no, not fair on your dd,
what does she want to do?
do you have any other family?
i cant believe she is All bad.
lower your expectations op, best of luck
do you need to stay with this man?

Rutheroot · 29/10/2019 09:23

Perhaps it's time for an ultimatum for your husband. Help you more or go.

EleanorReally · 29/10/2019 09:24

your dd must know her dad is like this?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 29/10/2019 09:35

Has she been assessed by a psychiatrist? It would have to be private because of CAMHS cuts etc.

I have worked with young carers (who are siblings and children of disabled people, not necessarily doing the care themselves) and these behaviours are quite prevalent because they've been emotionally neglected due to the burden of caring for the disabled person. That's nobody's fault, no one is suggesting you stop caring for your son, but it would explain her actions.

Rather than a holiday I'd be looking at getting her assessed by someone who doesn't have the financial restrictions that CAMHS do.

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 29/10/2019 09:37

My mum went on holiday at Christmas when I was 16, left me at home alone with my alcoholic dad. Although nothing bad happened, I was on eggshells the whole time. I’m on therapy now and it’s come up, as it is felt by the child as rejection.. you’d rather spend Xmas away from your child. Rejection is extremely painful for a child as we are wired that way. My honest opinion is that you should not leave your daughter behind, it may make things so much worse.

Skittlesandbeer · 29/10/2019 09:38

I’d leave them to it without the slightest guilt.

I think that a 13yo could certainly be taking the piss, perhaps as well as other issues, but either way it’s her dad’s turn to face it.

Don’t make a drama of it, but do make a booking. If you’re the type to overthink things, then book something with a clear activity schedule (rather than just relaxing). And nothing you can easily come back from if they try to blackmail you or cause drama. How about a short cruise?

Tell everyone smilingly that you’ve been a good girl and Santa wanted you to have a special present while your DS was away. You’re not abandoning anyone, you’re just wrung dry of ‘giving’ and not good company. So you’re going to sort yourself. Job done.

mummmy2017 · 29/10/2019 09:43

Book the meal to eat on Xmas day.
Don't buy him gifts, or yourself.
Give her so money, or one big gift.
Tell everyone your doing this.
Do not decorate for Xmas.
Wait till hubby finds out no treats this year.

Dacquoise · 29/10/2019 09:47

From what you have just described about your daughter it sounds like you need some respite care for yourself on a regular basis. Disabled son and difficult daughter, no wonder you want to escape!

The difficulty with a non engaged husband is that a separation may be the excuse for him to get away completely from the situation and leave you to it. You see that all the time on Mumsnet.

Are you able to negotiate some time away for yourself, perhaps after Christmas day? What about your son's dad stepping up a bit more? I know it's very easy to say these things to you but is it worth a shot? You having a breakdown is not going to help these dependents in the long run.