Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

Honestly in your shoes I would go.
And I'd book one of those wellness retreats where they do yoga a bit of sport and feed you healthy food and you meditate a lot.

You sound like you need it.

Oh and your husband really does sound like a wanker. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he was at least part of the cause of your dd's anger.

Your DH sounds like a twat, don’t hesitate to leave him at home.

Your DD sounds troubled and somewhat aware of her behaviour being awful. I think what I’d do is go away & let DD choose whether she wants to come or stay at home with her Dad. If she wants to come then spend time choosing & planning together. She’s only 13 I would choose this Christmas to out your foot down over her behaviour (as vile as it sounds)

But I would speak to DS’s Dad and arrange a time when he will commit to having DS and book yourself somewhere nice to go. TELL your DH you are going and HE needs to sort DD out. Then do just that

I hope you get a break through with your DD, it’s hard enough having DS’s needs to meet without a very difficult teen as well 🌷

(My Godson has brain damage from
A car accident in his teens, he’ll now never live independently. It’s hard! Xx)

Go, OP, absolutely. Don't even think about it, just go and have a break.

Your daughter is not a baby, she's 13 and perfectly capable to understand she's being a difficult bitch. Your husband is useless. Leave them both with frozen pizza.

And why is it that OP has 'to solve the issues'? Why is she 'abandoning her child'? The child has an adult dad, who is equally responsible for his daughter. Go on holiday and let him 'solve the issues' for once. He's a grown man and perfectly capable of talking with his daughter and organizing therapy appointments. Also, he's perfectly capable of buying and decorating the tree, buying and wrapping presents and cooking dinner (or booking a place). He's just choosing not to do it, because he has a slave (in his mind) of a wife who does it for him all the time.

And how are you 'abandoning your child'? So why no one is saying your abandoning your son then? Son is going to spend Xmas with his dad. So your daughter would be left with dad too, how is it any different.

Your kids are not the only important people in the world and their needs do not trump yours. You, your health and well-being are equally important. So go, have a break and don't think about it.

In your shoes I would probably go and leave them to it. But I don’t know anything about dealing with difficult teenagers. I would worry that it would make things a lot worse.

Perhaps refuse to contribute to Xmas. No presents for anyone unless your husband buys them (certainly no present for your husband, he clearly doesn’t deserve it), no decorations, no food shopping or cooking. If your husband wants an xmas meal he can cook it or book a restaurant. Just prepare yourself for it being a rubbish Xmas but enjoy not having to stress yourself about it.

Then, book yourself a week away by yourself in the new year. You definitely need a break and going away at new year will probably have less impact on your daughter. Do you have a friend you can go and visit? Or just book a week away somewhere warm and relaxing. And switch your phone off and enjoy it!

You need to go for your own sanity.

People talking about abandoning your DD are being ridiculous. She'll be in her own home with her father. Yes, he's a lazy twat but he's not a drunk or druggie.

I wouldn't tell them it's because you're fed up. Just say you've booked a retreat, class, whatever you always wanted to do and just go.

Enjoy yourself and have a break for once!

Imagine having a lie in as long as you like and having someone else make the bed. Eating some nice things that you didn't have to shop for, prepare, and clean up. Just sit down and enjoy!

I would seriously think about if you want to stay with your DH too.

I’d go as well and not look back

Selfish the pair of them

Go and have some free time

All the PP saying to go away and enjoy it, I don't think that will work. The OP is a kind and caring mother who is doing her best but weighed down with it all. My bet is that she wouldn't enjoy Christmas on her own, leaving DD and DH to it. She would feel guilty and it would spoil any enjoyment in the break. It would also irreparably damage her relationship with DD, and she is trying too hard to improve it to throw that away.

Go and do something low key with your daughter. No expectations. Even if it’s just for a day. Get a hotel, order take away, stay in PJs or go for a walk- whatever it is that would make you both happy (doesn’t have to be together!) and then go home. She’ll probably want to see her friends, and you your friends. Then leave your husband you obviously don’t love him and then maybe your daughter will be happier and stop misbehaving.

If you are willing to do this, why arent you willing to speak to your DH about a greater divison of work.
Demand the right to work and for him to do more at home.
I listen to the comments here and wonder how ppl would react if the DH said he worked very hard all year and now wanted to go off for a holiday on his own. Pretty sure the anger would suddenly change

Calling a 13 year old girl a difficult bitch is awful she is a young girl this behaviour has been going on 5 years the Op said Shadowonthesun the ops child is having difficulties but yeah a total bitch !

I think you should book to go away and give DD the option to come with you. If she declines make it possible for her to change her mind and join you, even if it's in the last day of your break and make DD fully aware she would be more than welcome to join you if she wants to.

Yeah I would go and leave them to it.
I would divorce him too.

If you are willing to do this, why arent you willing to speak to your DH about a greater divison of work

She has in counselling read the OP posts

Really, do not leave your dd. She's a young carer and always has been. Your h's refusal to do anything domestic or organisational in the family does mean she will inevitably have had to put her needs second and last quite often. She's acting out what he has taught her about relationships, specifically relationships with you, in her own way. She needs guidance, not rejection. And she needs to see you stop putting your h before her - which is what you are doing by accepting his behaviour.

OP you have been SHAT on from a great height by everyone in your house for far too long. Stop being the manservant that get abused by your teenage daughter, and ignored by your lazy as fuck husband. Who is looking after you OP, NOBODY.

BOOK the Flight and get the hell out of there. Go on Christmas Eve eve. Let them sort themselves out and maybe, juts maybe the will appreciate and respect everything you actually do for them all.

Enjoy your Break.

I wouldn't leave your DD though. She's 13, pretty much all kids are selfish at 13 and don't consider their mum as an entity in need of help.

Take her away to a lovely hotel, do some country walks, have some peace and quiet and give her a meaningful present that's just for her. I think time is the best present you could give your DD.

Leave your DH alone in the house. If he's not bothered enough to help you with Christmas, he won't care. He'll eat take away and watch TV all day and leave you with the washing up for when you get back. And at that point you can tell him you're leaving him.

I would say yes go.... On the premise that you have reached your threshold for functioning as things are as they are.

You NEED the break. I have had to do this for two nights..... And it wasn't I fancied alone time. It was, I am burnt out and my physical and mental health was slipping.

Sit down and talk to him giving him the rationale and TELL him your going. You can explain a version of it to your daughter. You lover her but you feel poorly and need a break so you can get strong.

You are important too and nothing will ever change untill there is a catalyst

Go and do something low key with your daughter. No expectations. Even if it’s just for a day. Get a hotel, order take away, stay in PJs or go for a walk- whatever it is that would make you both happy (doesn’t have to be together!) and then go home.

Do people honestly, honestly think that the OP hasn't likely tried versions of this many, many times? In fact she says she has. It always ends badly.

Yes all 13 year olds are selfish and navigating the teen years are hard. But this isn't that. From what has been posted, OP's daughter is out of control. Nobody is helping. Soon she will be 15, 16. Too late then, probably.

I don't know whether you should go away for Christmas, OP. I do think that you need to give your DD the message that you are at the end of your endurance with how life is in your home and the dynamic in your family. Somewhere in there, she knows that - look at her response "why did you do this - I'm such a bitch to you". She does know what she's doing, whether it is all about the damage that having such an arsehole for a father and a fucked up family dynamic has created or whether a big chunk of her is simply just exactly like him, I don't know. One thing - she sees him treating you like a smear of shit on his shoe so she does the same, and will do so until you refuse to accept it any more.

One way of refusing to accept it is to separate from your H and file for divorce. You absolutely need to do that or you will break.

Another thing you could choose to do right now is to go away for Christmas and make it clear to them both that you can't endure another Christmas working flat out to create some fake family thing. So you're stepping away before you simply have a breakdown. Your DD will suffer here but at some point she needs to suffer something to shock her out of what's happening now. Doing it over Xmas is the nuclear option. You have to decide whether that's the right step right now.

If it isn't, and you think the rejection she'll feel will be an own goal, then hit it somewhere in the middle. Don't buy yourself presents from that twat - what's the point? Save the money. Buy yourself something from you, on your own. He can just sit there empty-handed. Your DD is old enough to see that and old enough perhaps to feel respect when you shrug and say, why pretend? I don't want a fake present from you, thanks. Then do the minimum elsewhere and tell them both that you've booked to go away in early January as you need some time alone.

It sounds like OP has tried everything with her dd.

Does she get on with grandparents? Can she stay with them?

People talking about abandoning your DD are being ridiculous. She'll be in her own home with her father. Yes, he's a lazy twat but he's not a drunk or druggie.

I agree with this.

You need a break because you sound burnt out, it is perfectly ok to leave your dd with her dad.

The DD isn’t selfish. Christmas isn’t her responsibility, she’s a child and an unhappy one from the sounds of things. She didn’t ask to be born into this nor should she’s be expected to pick up the slack of the house etc.

Fuck leaving your dh for Christmas, I'd leave him for good!

it might usually be ok to leave her but in this situation it would be perceived by the DD as being abandoned and she will act up even more when the OP gets back home. It would be a step backwards. DD will also use it as a stick to beat the OP with forevermore..."mum, remember that Christmas when you left me alone with dad and I had no presents and dad didn't even cook dinner, and I sat in my room all day and cried?" She won't perceive it as "mum, remember when you took a much needed break over Christmas on your own, and me and dad had a great time without you?". Assuming DD is still in the OPs life in later years.

Leaving her with her dad over Christmas will reinforce her own feelings that she isn't loved and isn't worthy of love. Don't do it OP, because you do love her and are trying so hard with her. She won't see or appreciate this for many years to come, but she will recognise it in the end when she has gained enough maturity (or has teens of her own).

I definitely think you should go and tell your Dh that this is the way it will be from now on - your dd will have this Xmas with him and next Xmas with you etc, as there is no way in hell you should stay with your lazy arse of a Dh.