Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

If you go away you will give your daughter fuel for her anger and a fear of being abandoned again because she (knows she is) is so awful. And she does sound awful. I have a teen dd who most of the time is fine but with a lot of snipping and eye rolling around the edges and even that is pretty demoralising.

Your dh sounds appalling. How does your dd behave towards him? My guess is not as badly as she does towards you because he is barely engaged so why bother.

I don’t know what your financial position is but if you have any option to at all I would consider separating from your dh, show him the harsh reality of life when no-one is looking after his every need and he has children to look after un-aided. It will give you space to decide whether you want him in your life.

If none of this is possible then I agree with other posters. Don’t bother with any decorations. Don’t buy your dh anything. Buy dd the minimum and maybe give her cash, I’d be tempted to give to her saying they are from you. Christmas dinner, just cook an ordinary dinner or a very simple roast.

I really feel for you, sadly only you can do something to make this change as clearly your family won’t. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Given DDs behavior and attitude I don't think I would suggest that you do the most important jobs - buy gifts for dd and your own family is accurate.

You don't compel a difficult 13yo to change their behaviour by not buying her xmas gifts, quite the opposite.

OP, your husband isn't abusive, just extremely selfish and lazy.

You sound at the end of your rope.

You have a chance of a rare rest.

Your 13 is old enough to know how badly she is behaving.

Whilst it seems extremely harsh to say leave them at Christmas, I don't believe either of them deserve a lovely Christmas.

I think you should just go and leave them to it.

Tell them it is up to them to organise a Christmas for themselves.

Maybe the might appreciate you a bit more.

Motherhood shouldn't mean being at the mercy of everyone.

I think go and enjoy yourself.

You sound at the end of your tether and I don't blame you !

I'm in agreement that you should do only the things which you actually enjoy, and nothing else this christmas.

I don't think you should be everyones slave (as you usually are).

Do you have access to money ? I'm assuming you don't work, or at least not full time with a disabled DS to look after ?

If you do have access to money, firstly book a cleaning company to come in and clean the house for Xmas, also hire in a decorator to decorate the house for Xmas and order in a meal ( for delivery) which can just be chucked in the oven on xmas day (everything ready prepped, e.g from M and S or from a caterer).

Buy yourself something really expensive (e.g diamonds or a gold watch) and a lovely outfit with handbag etc and buy DH socks (which won't fit) and some Brut aftershave. Get DD one or two things she wants, but are not expensive. Wrap all these and put under tree.

All Xmas, watch what you want on telly, eat leftovers and chill. If DH and DD are not happy, TOUGH ! You can happily tell them that they have been told before what jobs need done to have a nice Xmas, and they've done NOTHING, so now YOU have decided instead of fighting about it, you're joining them, and getting someone else to do Xmas for you too !

*It made me see my mum as a human for the first time really, instead of just 'mum'. I then felt comfortable enough to express my own big feelings, knowing that my mum could handle such hard topics.

I think generally when teens behave like that they have something big they want to say but they don't feel anyone can hold space for it. So they keep it inside and it eats them up.

That was certainly the case with me.*

If you can say on here - what was it that caused this with you?

"Motherhood shouldn't mean being at the mercy of everyone."

I agree with that wholeheartedly. I just don't think that disappearing for xmas is the way to make that point. And I am thinking of OP's relationship with her dd when I say that, not her idiot dh.

The thing is, in writing lists for your dh and dd to do last year, when she was presumably 12, you are deflecting the focus from the problem being him, not him and her. You're transferring part of what are his deficits onto her. I'm certain that seeing you run around after your dh with seemingly no consequences for him will have a significant role to play in her behaviour. It also troubles me that more, proportionally, given her age, is being expected of her than of him - you are effectively expecting her to pick up part of a man's slack. I wonder if part of her behaviour is acting out in the strongest possible terms against this assigned role?

You are also proposing a proportionally harsher consequence (again, given her age and the extent of her actual responsibility for this as compared to his) for her than for him. Being a bit lazy and crap (talking about her domestic inclinations and not the shiplifting etc here obv) is not great, but it's part of being a young teen. In normal circumstances it gets grown out of. But you are turning it into something much higher-stakes rather than putting all the blame for your state squarely where it belongs.

FFS shoplifting. Not implying your dd is a pirate in training

You definitely need a break, but I think going at Christmas will make the relationship with your DD worse. By all means, leave your DP to it after Xmas though. If he's off anyway, book a few days between Xmas and NY and let him pick up the slack.

I'd tell your daughter that you are exhausted and haven;t the energy to 'do' Christmas this year, Since DSon is at his dad's, you are thinking of going to a spa for a few days and would love her to join you if she wants to. Say you have looked at a few possible places and ask if she thinks the two of you can have a calm, relaxing time. Tell her she's welcome to stay home with her dad and to make arrangements with him on how to celebrate but you have realised you can't be the one running the whole show again this year.

That way, she doesn't feel neglected or overlooked by you,. But she is expected to behave in a calm and kindly way.

Tell your DP too, that you are shattered. That it's a hotel and feet up for the week for you too or it's all up to him. Nothing in between.

@TarMcAdam not having any sort of skills to process emotions about anything - blended family, feeling left out of my family, school bullying, puberty etc. I had no means of expression, no ability to express what was going on inside me, so it took the form of lashing out. I needed a safe space to be able to talk and process my feelings. My mother generally didn't 'do' feelings, so when she did it was a great shock and helped a lot.

I think you need to think ling term....sounds miserable, no one can say you haven't tried!

Instead of going away for Christmas, how about just absolving responsibility and handing it to them - DD is growing up, exciting etc. Make sure there are tins of beans, spaghetti etc for emergencies and get yourself a nice microwave meal or something similar in case they do nothing. Christmas Day itself, do what you want. Long bath? Fine. Walk? Fine. Just keep putting it back on them.

First off, your DH is a problem. Christmas aside, you're probably going to have to re-address at some stage, but I'd stop facilitating his inaction with most things regardless.
You would not be abandoning your daughter , she has a perfectly able parent at home. Explain you need to go away for your own well being. Humanise yourself.

You are at the end of your tether and I think you are amazing that you haven't cracked yet. But I think you sound on the verge of it.

So. Talking to your DH hasn't worked, he will not support you or help. Your daughter is aware of how unpleasant she is to you, yet continues to physically and verbally assault you. Your DS is away which rarely happens.
I have three suggestions.
Is it just the Christmas period he (DS) is gone for? Or is he also away in the week leading up to Christmas? If so, consider writing up the Christmas tasks, and go away the week before Christmas if you can- and as you always buy your own gifts, explain that you've bought a week away at a spa or something, and that they can sort Christmas and you'll see them on the day. Buy your DS and DD a couple of gifts and some things for your side of the family. Nothing for DH , and give him a list of his family members he needs to shop for. Leave. Pre buy some ready meals and bury them in the freezer - Christmas lunch sorted. label them accordingly. Minimal decorations with just gifts for DD, DS and your parents/ family under the tree.

Or stay for Christmas Day , minimal decorations , no pantos ( must be a UK thing) , buy DD a small thoughtful gift and stuff for DS ,give DH a list for his family of who he needs to buy for ,get some fancy ready meals for the day, and for your gift - open a voucher for yourself that involves leaving Boxing Day and returning on NY day. Thank your DH. Buy nothing for him or his side of the family or give them all Amazon vouchers for a small amount. Print it off from the computer, and hand him several sheets of paper to sort.

Or absolutely bugger off for Christmas and several days after.

Time for a bit of self care, before you end up collapsing from exhaustion and stress .
Christmas can be fun, but seriously for a lot of women it is a shit show fraught with stress , that for you is compounded enormously by your DH and DD's 'Mum is a skivvy that can be treated like dirt ' attitude.

I'd go. Like you say it's rare you have a break from caring for DS. Use that time to recharge.

I think you need some support and respite. If you were sick, your husband would have to get on with it and deal with your daughter. Can you sort out some counselling for yourself because it might help you manage your daughter?
As for the husband, can you serve him an ultimatum - shape up or ship out. He needs to take his fair share of parental responsibility. He sounds lazy, uncaring and selfish and is exploiting you. Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and you acted like him? No, because you wouldn't do it. Don't be taken advantage of OP.

Firstly I'm so sorry you are being treated like this, no one deserves that. I would suffer through one bad Christmas to make a point. I certainly wouldn't leave them to it but I would refuse to do anything but the bare minimum - buy a gift for your daughter and one for yourself (from yourself, not on behalf of anyone!) Don't bother getting out of your pjs all day and eat some junk food. They'll either love their new Christmas and you won't have to make the effort in future or they will learn to pull their fingers out their arses and do something because you are not a slave and it's not your sole responsibility to show them a good time.

Jesus, some extremes in both directions on this thread.

But no, leaving your daughter for a few nights with her other parent is not "abandonment". And you sound like you desperately need some respite.

You are a human being too and your needs matter. Take a few days for yourself. If Christmas is the only time when you can do it, due to DS being away, then so be it.

(But at some point, you may need to evaluate things because it doesnt sound like a sustainable situation.)

Go somewhere nice with DD. It’ll be a good break for both of you away from the normal pressures. (Barcelona’s good that time of year!)

I think your DH will actually enjoy Christmas on his own.

I'd sit them both down and tell them that as neither of them is interested in making Christmas nice for themselves or for you, that this year you're not bothering with it. Then stick to it. If they want to do it it's down to them. If dd asks about if refer her to her father, just keep reiterating that you're not getting involved.
Their reaction will speak volumes. If neither seems bothered, book a break- that will hammer home that you're serious and won't be a doormat. Always doing nice things isn't having any effect so stop doing it.

I posed your dilemma to my 13 yo DD. She said go.

I feel that pps don't seem to be reading your words Re disabled son - rare opportunity for a break etc. DD ruining all previous efforts.

I'm afraid I would absolutely go. I'd leave her a present.

If you tell them in advance they're guaranteed to be rescued by someone anyway. So they'll still get Christmas with all the trimmings. And you'll get a break.

@Lillygolightly I agree with all the suggestions here. Then you can’t have these things twisted and made out that you have done something wrong.