Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

Yes. I think I would go away. Yanbu.
And ditch your husband in the new year, what's he bringing to the table?

Tell everyone that this Christmas you need to reduce the work load so unless someone else does it you are not going to bother as much with decorations, writing all the cards, Christmas shopping etc etc. Tell them you are so tired that you are not able to do everything. Make sure your ds and dc have their presents. Keep smiling and try to book a Christmas dinner somewhere or do it yourself as the actual dinner of turkey etc isn’t too hard and you have cold stuff over for the rest of the holiday. Puddings etc can be bought. Don’t go away and leave them. You won’t enjoy it as much as you think you will.

Have a scaled back Xmas (the run up and day itself) then book yourself a day/night away at a spa straight after

not having any sort of skills to process emotions about anything - blended family, feeling left out of my family, school bullying, puberty etc. I had no means of expression, no ability to express what was going on inside me, so it took the form of lashing out. I needed a safe space to be able to talk and process my feelings.

I'm sorry you were bullied. A blended family can be v problematic too.

That doesn't seem to apply to ops DD (although having a SN brother might bring a dynamic that's even trickier than "normal" family relationships) but I wonder if the rest applies?

Has op disappeared?

I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who replied.

I read all the posts and each one made me think.

My daughter has confessed to feeling depressed so I am taking her to an expert teenage counsellor on Friday, however, I have heard this all before, but willing to try again.

DH - still don't know what to do about him but I have called a family meeting for Saturday which I have called the Christmas Meeting. I am going to ask everyone what type of Xmas they want and then everyone will need to pick jobs. If they don't do it then so be it.

I have decided to go away overnight on Boxing Day - I have to collect my DS anyway but one of the carers was going to go, but I've decided to go instead. His dad lives in another country to mine so I will be flying there and staying overnight before flying back the next day. This way if xmas turns out the way I expect at least I know I am escaping the next day. DD has asked to come with me. I have told her I will have to think about it and it will be contingent on her making some progress with her responsilbities.

That sounds like a very constructive plan. Good luck

Good for you OP.
I really hope things get better or at least easier for you. 💐

I would also book yourself something for New Year, maybe that you can cancel without penalty (or too big a penalty) so that if Christmas is still far short of an enjoyable time for you, you can activate the emergency Fuck Off and Chill Out for New Year plan.

I have read the whole thread = quite tricky to see OP posts as the highlighter has failed.

You sound burned out, so a break away will be very important for your well being. I dont totally understand why your DS' father doesnt have him more. You mention in your last post him being overseas, but if he cant physically care for his own child, then he should be supporting financially so that you can afford to pay for carers.

I do wonder if your DH and DD resent the responsibilities of caring for your DS. He must be an adult now? Are you looking at all possibilities of future care for him? I have a child with SEN and the worry of their future is enormous. That must drag you all down.

It seems sensible to have Xmas at home - plenty of great suggestions up thread on how to minimise work. But pleased you are going away after Xmas - hopefully for more than 1 night? DH will have to cope with DD - as others have said he is competent even if he chooses not to be.

Hope your Christmas family meeting goes well.

OP can you answer why you are still with your husband.
He is an awful human and doesn’t seem to like you at all.
And you don’t like him.
So why stay?
Is it purely financial? I can imagine the costs of having a disabled DS would be v high.

@Faffandahalf I’m not sure but I think I do still love him. Also we went through a lengthy legal battle to get compensation for my son’s brain injury, DH, didn’t help at all. I just had to concentrate on DD, DS and looking after DH needs and a divorce at that time wouldn’t have been good for anyone. Although I thought about it many times as he was just a burden.

Once that was over I was hoping we could improve things, hence the counselling, but unfortunately that was not to be.

I need to get myself into a good place financially which I hope will be achievable next year.

I think the longer term solution here is to get rid of the DH.

Plus, I would say that you very much need some time away, so I would take a very hard line on your DD coming with you out of the country. It's only a couple of days so I would watch and wait, and honestly the first time she steps out of line decide for yourself that she isn't coming. Then don't make a big thing of it - simply don't book her travel.

She really needs a wake up call as WELL as your support. And you really need some respite.