Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

@MrsMaiselsMuff - yes two different ones. She refused to go after a few sessions.

I have always been very aware of the needs of my son and to ensure that she was not sidelined. Even though she is pretty horrid to me I always keep trying.

Last week I took her to a special screening of Bettlejuice, her favourite film as a surprise as I thought she would like it. When I told her she was happy about but then said "why did you do this - I'm such a bitch to you". I just wanted to cry.

Abandoning your daughter at Christmas will not help your relationship. Please don't do this.

Abandoning your daughter at Christmas will not help your relationship. Please don't do this.

Yes I think you should go away for some of it. I would suggest leaving on Boxing Day so you are there for your daughter for Xmas but you can look forward to getting away.

But I think it would be good to tell your daughter a white lie and say you’re going on a spa retreat or photography / art retreat or wine and food / cultural experience or something like that, tie it to a hobby or something you enjoy. Give it a purpose rather than just saying you need a break from them, as that is what a holiday would imply.

What about having a low key Christmas then going away by yourself Boxing Day?

Book yourself a break.
Let DH deal and then consider your relationship may be over.

I can understand why you are so fed up but this is rather an extreme way of getting your point across. OTOH trying to express your feelings in a reasonable way hasn't worked. Are you going to leave a note on the kitchen table telling them that you've buggered off for Christmas and good luck to them? Actions have consequences and there'll be a hell of a fall-out. They'll think YABU. Sorry you're feeling this way.

Go away from your pointless H permanently.

In light of your daughter's behaviour, and it appears she is fully aware of how she is to you, I think I would bugger off from them. And explain exactly why.

I get it OP. You are at the absolute end of your rope. You've been giving giving giving and they have been taking taking taking. And you've got nothing left in you to give.

Your DD needs you though and you cannot abandon her. Every incident she acts out against you is a test of your love for her. She probably has extremely low self esteem and your reaction/consistency/caring is her unconscious way of making herself feel loved and noticed when she doesn't love herself. Each time she lashes out at you it's a cry for help too. All you can do is carry on, be consistent and fair, and show her love even when you feel emptied out. The love bomb technique can be really effective. Google it for teens. Maybe someone can provide a good link. And remember, she will grow up, this will pass.

The DH on the other hand, needs an ultimatum. He either steps up and is the father and husband you need or he is out. You'll find a whole load off your plate if he goes. One less person to look after.

I think you need to get to family therapy, your DH and your DD need to find a connection. She’s so angry. Please don’t abandon her. Are you and DH loving towards one another, or do you lead separate lives?

My Ds was a similar teen, he didn’t bother coming back from his friends for Christmas dinner one year.
If you want to go away then do, it’s ok to pushback( different if dh was an alcoholic like previous poster).
If you really don’t want to go then do up a list of Christmas jobs for everyone and just do yours. If the others don’t do them then ye all do without so plan carefully.
Get dh to do anything to do with dd.

My ds is much better now he attended CAHMS and agreed to do some alternative treatment REIKI etc 13-17 were very hard years.

Best of luck

You need a break. You've magicked christmas out of the ceiling for over 20 years so it's not like you haven't done your bit.

Sometimes the only language other family members can understand is the one you speak with your feet.

Book something, pack a bag, and tell them when you'll be back. You might also tell them that when you do come back, you'll be expecting some changes because this shit isn't good enough.

How about a cruise? You won't have to lift a finger and nobody will be able to ring you either! Bliss...

Her behaviour won't improve by you leaving her behind. She is a child and she needs you. He sounds like a proper cunt who is simply using you. Get rid of him and rebuild what you can with your DD.

I'd do bugger all fir him, beans on toast fir Xmas dinner is perfectly acceptable if he's refusing to do stuff. Give him the Xmas food shopping to do, if he doesn't then serve up the beans. I'd book a getaway from Boxing Day as well to give you a break.

Just have a minimal Christmas. There is no way I would leave your daughter, she’s crying out for attention as her behaviour shows. If you leave her now it may well spell the end of any relationship you have left.

Why not do something nice whilst her brother is away, it must be incredibly tough for her.

As for your DH, I’d have left a long time ago. If you choose to have a family you take part in Christmas etc.

Why? What’s the point? You’ll come back to a tip of a house, two resentful people who’ll probably have spent the week arguing, and exactly the same problems. Christmas isn’t your problem, your husband is.

It would be better to separate now.

Good lucK OP.

why did you do this - I'm such a bitch to you

That is a breakthrough moment. Sorry you've had it so hard (and that your DH is such a lazy shit; he really is) but that single comment rang a huge bell for me.

She is aware of how she treats you. Therefore she chooses to 'act like a bitch'. Perhaps she is mirroring how your DH treats you? i.e. like a piece of furniture by the sounds of it.

Just don't do Christmas. Don't order presents. Don't order loads of food. Give your DD the option to come with you if you go away.

And I would seriously make plans to divorce someone that useless.

Hell yes go!
and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty
Don't feel guilty.
You have done literally EVERYTHING for 20 years.
Have a couple days just for you while you can.
They need to learn to appreciate you.
How can they if you are always there enabling all of this.
Fuck 'em - GOOOOOO!! Enjoy and do NOT feel any guilt in doing so!

Your Dd sounds exhausting however she is just a child it sounds a terrible atmosphere at home no support from a useless man no wonder you need /crave a break. Coukd you and her go away over Christmas spend proper no distraction time with her.

I wouldn’t go Christmas Day but absolutely why not after Christmas?! I go away for a few days a couple of times a year. It saves my sanity and I haven’t got the situation you have.

Do not leave your daughter over Christmas.

Take the advice given and do a minimal Christmas. Don't feel guilty about it. Maybe cook your or your daughters favourite quick meal. Get your daughter involved in the planning, make it easy but fun.
I think you need a very frank conversation with your husband. Your home situation appears very difficult at the moment and you need a partner to stand with you, not one that does nothing.
Look at what support there is locally for carers.
If you want a night off, tell your husband he needs to step up but don't do it over Christmas as your daughter has the chance for some one to one with you.

I think you should go OP. You are not abandoning DD home alone. She has 2 parents and you are simply the one parent taking a much needed break whilst the other parent steps up. Although it is Christmas it seems that this is your only opportunity as DS will be at his Dad's and you may not get another chance. Reading your thread you have put in so much effort and are being a super Mum to persevere when nothing seems to be working. After a break you might feel refreshed and ready to continue. Good luck

It sounds as if you have been taking care of everyone's needs for years but no one cares about your needs. Go away for Christmas and make sure you enjoy some 5* luxury. When you get back home make sure your family know that from now on you will be going away regularly on your own unless things change.

Take DD out for a coffee.
Somewhere new, that she can't strope off.
Tell her how you feel.
That you love her, but right now would love to leave her and daddy to do Xmas and just not be there .
Then sit and wait for her to answer.
If she says you have to, it's your job.
Tell her no you do it out of love, but you don't feel very loved this year.
Also ask her why she is so angry, and just sip your coffee and let her talk.
If she won't talk, ask her how thinks can change if you don't understand her views

I think you should go. You need time to recharge and her dad is there to sort Christmas out.