Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

I think your ds need full time care out of house .
You very years left with your daughter and you need to sort her now .
Which mean paid for help .
As for Your DH well whar do you get out of this relationship.?

I wouldn't be inclined to book a break away over Xmas leaving your DD but i would make full sure that the next time your DS is with his father, you book time out.

I would suggest you follow what @mummmy2017 suggested with some additions.

• I wouldnt book a meal to go out Xmas day unless it suited me. If it didnt I would buy some M&S ready meals to eat on the day.

I would flag this 2 or so days beforehand, say you have just been too exhausted, you cant face this dinner so you are just not doing it.

• Don't buy him gifts, but do treat yourself to nice pjs, candles etc - i.e. all the nice things that make being in your own home a pleasure.

• Any gifts you have to buy for others should be a voucher - preferrably for one store. Everyone can find something in M&S. No meals or special gifts , days out ... for aunts, mothers etc

• DD gets money and maybe new PJs to have something to hand her. .
• Only decorate for Xmas if you want to - not for anyone elses benefit

• Do not buy any special cheese, bottle of wine, tin of roses etc for xmas for others.

• Make sure you have your TV sorted for Xmas day - maybe a netflix series so you can plonk yourself down and do nothing all day.

When your DD and DH are sitting at home at Xmas waiting for their special day, it might just dawn on them how much work goes into all this

When your DD and DH are sitting at home at Xmas waiting for their special day, it might just dawn on them how much work goes into all this

The DH yes as he could still help out with things on days . However the Dd is a child, it’s not her responsibility to sort Christmas. Life with a sibling that needs care is hard enough without taking away the few times a year that people look forward too.

The Op chose to have another child presumably knowing her DH didn’t do much around the home. The child shouldn’t have to step up due to that.

Icecream - yes that is very true so maybe the compromise there is going out for the Christmas dinner and the day before giving DD some money to buy herself treats for the afternoon.

At 13 you don't believe in the magic of Xmas so there is no need to set the whole scene unless there is wider buy in.I would never suggest cutting back for an 8 year old. Perhaps the DD might then understand that actions have consequences.

What I am suggesting isnt mean or nasty, its just cutting back and I guarantee you the DD will ultimately think more of the OP in the long run

I think it would be more heard If you just failed to acknowledge the day in any way shape or form. Literally zero conversation about Christmas, no decorations, no gifts.

When they ask about it just be "What do you mean? It's just Wednesday. Why would do anything special just because it's Wednesday?"

Then by all means book yourself a break away alone once ds is at his dad's again.

I'd go OP. You are at the end of your tether. Time to put yourself first. I am generally an advocate of sucking things up and prioritising your kids' needs but you've been doing that and this is where it's got you. Your DD is old enough to learn that parents are human beings too and can't just carry on with no help or appreciation indefinitely.

I'm actually taken aback by the amount of posters saying yes go leave your DD at Christmas. Your DD didn't choose your husband nor the unfortunate accident that occurred to your DS. This all occurred before she was born. She would appear to be going through a very difficult time, which I understand is not unusual and is nobodies fault. I appreciate you are struggling but think you can reduce your load through other means rather than taking a complete break. Maybe go for a meal over a few days rather than cooking. Just decorate the tree. Vouchers for everyone including DD. The meals would cost the same as your break. Let everyone know you are tired and you need to be considered so won't be cooking much or buying presents, DD and DH will be given a cleaning rota over the Christmas period also. Just some suggestions. I know you are struggling but I think your DD will be too young to understand. I know you don't want to go with just DD which is completely understandable.

Your home life sounds awful OP, I'm sorry. And you absolutely deserve a break. I'd probably do Christmas but book yourself a break from boxing day.

I know you are struggling but I think your DD will be too young to understand.
I disagree. She is 13, not 3. And has said herself that she knows she is being a bitch to her mother.

Belfield

Do you really think it’s a simple as asking? Have you met a man that OP describes?

She’s not abandoning the daughter, she’s being left with her father.
same as all the lone parents who swap Christmases every year

You have a DH problem primarily.
I suspect your life would be easier if you divorce and have 50/50 custody of your DD.
(I'm saying this as a single mum/lone parent)

He sounds effing useless.

Thing is, if the OP divorces her husband is highly unlikely to take 50/50 custody of the difficult daughter. It doesn't sound like she is in a position to work due to the care needs of her son. I'm not sure a divorce is financially viable for her.

Sure, but it's a good position to negotiate from if he starts realising it's a distinct possibility. Whatever OP decides to do longer term the main issue she has is her DH. I don't know why you'd want to stay married to someone who does eff all apart from work.

Ah shit op, you sound utterly ground down,

I am so sorry

You deserve so much more

You deserve a better life and respect. Do you want to stay with him?

I was a similar teen to your DD. Nice trips out etc did NOTHING for my relationship with my mother or my behaviour.

Let me tell you what did. We were in the car driving somewhere and my mum just cried and told me everything she was feeling
.. about wondering why I was treating her so badly, and that she wanted to see me happy, but everything she tried didn't work, and the things I said to her were so hurtful sometimes she just felt like leaving or dying even, but she knew she had to be there for me, to TRY to make everything better even if she couldn't. And that she'd try a million times if she had to but that it was killing her doing so. That I was the whole world to her and she wished she could do the right thing to make me happy but she couldn't quite find the right key.

It made me see my mum as a human for the first time really, instead of just 'mum'. I then felt comfortable enough to express my own big feelings, knowing that my mum could handle such hard topics.

I think generally when teens behave like that they have something big they want to say but they don't feel anyone can hold space for it. So they keep it inside and it eats them up.

That was certainly the case with me.

A series of deep conversations including baring your own history and struggles may get through to her.

Knowing my mum's own history and struggles made me see her as a person and realise how I was hurting her. It made me care when I never did care before.

I agree with FizzyGreenWater and NamedChangedNoImagination.

You are NOT a complete cow for doing this. You are struggling and I think you should. Two points from me:

1. My mum did this one year. She felt guilty about leaving us, but she was sick of it all being on her and she was exhausted. It turned into a great break for her. Her sisters and some SiLs joined her and they went abroad together.

We were teenagers at the time and the rest of our family still got together with my uncles, other aunts and the cousins and grandparents. It was a lot of fun and we still have fond memories of that Christmas (DF gave us pizza and ice cream for breakfast, and baked beans and chocolates for Christmas dinner!).

1. I am lone parent and my family are over 2000 miles away. I made an executive decision when I left my xDH years ago that I could start a new family Christmas tradition of having a break for myself. It is awesome. I do very little - posh ready meals, lots of snacks for me and the kids (all our favourite foods) and drinks, books, movies for us all to enjoy. I buy gifts for myself from myself and make myself a stocking too.

Now my kids are older we usually decide on a nice walk or place to go together and movie to watch or we just laze around and chat and eat and chill . DCs have a more traditional/formal Christmas experience with xDH but they LOVE that our freeform /no rules Christmas is my new tradition!

No, I wouldn't go away and leave your daughter; read what Kentuckybourbon whisky said. However. I do understand how awful your husband is and that problem needs to be seriously addressed.

Also, my teenager is very abusive to me - I’m sure my neighbours (who can’t look at me in the eye) think we are a truly horrid family as they would hear it all. She is angry and unhappy - I’m not sure if she knows why herself.

But it’s a good sign that your DD felt remorse when you arranged the movie. She must know you love her and your DS unconditionally.

You are a great mother, I can tell, and I know this too shall pass. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Her DH isn't a falling down drunk. Completely different situation.
DD is not going to be scarred for life if her mum has a trip away.

Her DS will be away. He isn't scarred for life.
Divorced parents, one parent away in the military or for work.
DC aren't scarred for life.

Posters seem to be forgetting her DD is verbally abusive and physically assaulted her.

I think you should go to counselling for yourself. That would provide support for yourself in this situation.
And can help you work out the dynamic going on with your daughter.

You sound like a lovely person who is understandably at the end of her rope. Rather than focusing on xmas, book yourself a weekend away now. Go to a spa for a couple of nights and leave them to it. For Xmas, bare minimum. No presents at all apart from your kids. No decorations. No in laws present buying. Marks and Sparks ready prepared food. Do nothing else. However, I think a lot of your stress and unhappiness is coming from watching your husband sitting around doing nothing. You are understandably hugely resentful of him. Why haven’t you split from him? He’s lazy and disinterested. You could then just focus on yourself and your kids without being aggravated by a large lump of uncaring nothing dragging you down.

I'd do it and feel guilty so I'd maybe book dd and dh into a pub for Xmas dinner but not tell them, just send a text.

What happened when you made the list last year, and they agreed to do things on it, but then didn't do them?

Because if you stepped in and did them, they just learned that you didn't really mean it.

This year, make your list, divide the chores fairly, and stick to it.

I would suggest that you do the most important jobs - buy gifts for dd and your own family, book xmas dinner.

Ask dd to help you with the tree and decorations, and if she doesn't then they don't go up.

Ask dh to buy gifts for his family, wrap dd's gifts and cook on Boxing Day. If he doesn't, his family don't get gifts, he disappoints his dd with unwrapped gifts, everyone eats beans on toast on Boxing Day.

If they complain about the workload just nod and smile, 'yes I know, I have been doing it all for twenty years.'

Stop being a martyr and let their actions have consequences. After xmas, I think you need to book yourself a break and have a serious discussion with your dh about what a separation might look like for everyone.

I’d go. You’re not leaving your daughter alone with an abusive man. You’re leaving her with her father.

I’d not say anything, do no preparation, no present buying, no food, no decorations and see if anyone even notices. And then on Christmas Eve I’d send a text to say that you’re away to a hotel for a few days for a rest and you’ll see them on the 27th.