Would I be a complete cow to go away at Christmas leaving DD and DH behind?

[MrsTliveshere]

So here's the lowdown.

I've been married for almost 20 years and my DH believes that his sole responsiblity is to go to work, come home and walk the dogs once a day. To say that I have been doing all the emotional labour in this home is an understatement. We have a disabled son (mine not his) who needs 24 hour care following a brain injury 15 years ago and we also have, together, a 13 year old DD. She is exceptionally challenging and we are working through The Explosive Child book and Triple P programme on a 1:1 (well I am because DH can't find the time).

My DH has left me to do all of the things, both emotional and physical, dealing with my son and DD and I have had enough.

DS is off to his dad's for xmas (hardly ever happens) and I'm so sick of my selfish DH and DD that I want to go away and leave them to it so they can understand whats involved in making xmas happen.

Every year my DH gets home at xmas eve and puts up his feet until he goes back to work in the NY. He doesn't get invovled in buying gifts, thinking about food, decorating the house, booking pantos or anything. Last year I had to, as usual, order my xmas presents from the kids (or I just wouldn't get any as historically happened); I gave them to DH in the amazon boxes and he didn't even bother to wrap them up - just gave them back to me in the boxes!

I know there can be a tendancy to overdue xmas but I'm not talking about unreaslitic expectations. Things such as helping to decorate the tree, not the whole house, just the tree; thinking about and getting the food you need for xmas and crackers, perhaps going out one day to eat so I get a day off from cooking, buying xmas presents for the kids and our parents.

I have tried tallking to him about how it makes me feel. We went to counselling together and we spoke extensively about his not contributing to family times - no change. I have also written out a big list of all the things that need to happen and asked for DD and DH to pick some tasks to help out so that xmas isn't only on me - they picked a few and never did them.

So I can stay home and actually do nothing but then I will also have a crap xmas or I can go away somewhere nice and leave them to frozen pizza and feel guilty.

Talk sense into me please!!!

I would do low key xmas day, go out for a meal, then book yourself a week away as a much needed respite/therapy and a proper physical and mental break.

I really feel for you with regards to your dd having a similar dd. Although I'd fantasise about leaving, I know it would only make things worse with my DD.

Do you have other weekends when your ds is with your ex? If so that's the weekends I'd go away and leave your dd with your dh. I'd do this on a regular basis, even make it every time your ds goes to his dads.

As for Xmas, I'd do the bare minimum and not bother with anything for your dh (kids pressy included). Maybe see out xmas day and then take yourself off. Buy yourself a special day out on Boxing Day from your dh and dc's so it's not seen as you abandoning your dd.

I think instead of going away, you need to tackle the issues and either resolve them or split up.

Go, have a good time.

I don't think you can leave your dd. You can tell dh that you are struggling, you need a break and you will be prioritising rest for all 3 of you this Christmas. If he wants to do more then fine, otherwise you will be spending what you need to get by, or leaving it and it will be 'onesie Christmas' for once. His response will tell you a lot...

why did you do it - I’m such a bitch to you

That smacks of a child, who is desperately unhappy and crying out for control and boundaries. I think you need to reset the situation and would take the opportunity of not having your ds around to try to reset the relationship with her. I imagine she’s very resentful of being brought into your family. You chose to have her when you had a very high needs child.

Did she see you cry? I hope so. You need to show her you have weakness and how much you love her. Your response needs to be “You cannot do anything, which will make me not love you”.

It sounds as if your life is too difficult because of the choices you are and have made so it’s now about getting to a situation, where you can cope, rather than running away.

Do you send your ds to respite care? Do you have carers come in to give you a break? Do you and your dd ever go and do things just the two of you? Etc.

Take the approach suggested by mummy2017. Calm. Controlled.

Look, you sound shattered. Firstly you need an open and frank discussion with you DH and your DD, about what they need to be doing to help you.

Then, why not make Christmas easier on yourself. Plan a decorating evening where everyone gets involved, have cocoa and cookies to get everyone in the mood and spend no longer than 1-2 hours doing this. Then all watch a festive movie. Decorating done.

Buy in Christmas dinner or just have a year of foil tins and frozen Yorkshire’s/roasties etc. Just buy a Turkey crown you can pop in the oven in the foil. Dinner like this is low fuss and no stress - heck, even use Bisto for this year. All that foil will also mean MUCH less cleaning up. Just your plates and knives and forks. Easy.

Presents? Don’t bother...book yourself a nice spa day instead for just after Christmas. On your own. As part of your ‘present’ DH can watch the kids.

Over Christmas, join the club and spend your days sat watching the TV with a big box of choccies! Enjoy what your husband enjoys. Spend time talking.

After Christmas you got that Spa day break to look forward to that you so deserve.

I guess what I’m saying is that your life is hard enough with your DS and DD. Why make it more complicated and harder than it needs to be. Yes, expect others to help, but simplify things too. Christmas can be a nightmare as we all want it to be picture perfect...but I find the effort that goes into making a Christmas like this happen, leads to resentment and frustration that everyone else isn’t getting on board.

Good luck op.

I think your DD may well improve when you get rid of your DH. Treating you as an 'object' seems to run in the family!

I had an XH like this. Feet up, family things were 'my job' and all he ever had to do was go to work. I organised everything, plus cared for the five kids, he rarely lifted a finger, and their christmas presents were always as much a suprise to him as they were to the kids. His contribution to family life was to say 'don't spend too much', when I asked what we should get the children, and to lift his feet up so I could hoover underneath him.

I think if your DD can see you and her as a 'unit against the world', she may well improve her behaviour. It can't be easy for her, with a brother who needs care and a father who doesn't see why he should lift a finger.

I wouldn’t go away but I would cut down on everything.

Decorate a tree

Don’t decorate the house.

Order the food shopping

Don’t go overboard, it is just a Sunday roast with a certain pudding.

Don’t buy presents for yourself, dh or pil

Buy only for your dd.

Tell dh to book panto. If he doesn’t it is not your fault

Tell people you are not doing cards this year.

I would actually look at all aspects of your life and do the bare minimum.

It is like having 3 ornaments on a windowsill

Whilst they might look nice they serve no real purpose.

You take them off the windowsill to clean them, then you wipe down the windowsill then you put them back.

If they weren’t there you would just wipe down the sill and move on to the next task.

I think your dd acknowledging what she is doing is a break through.

I wouldn’t turn my back on her at Christmas

I wouldn’t miss Christmas Day but I would go away Boxing Day u til whenever DS is returning

Your dd is growing up in a sad household. She’s angry because she sees you being a doormat and your dh being a complete twat. Well I’m sure she has other things going on too, but the lack of respect kindness and love from your dh to you will not be helping. It probably makes her feel very anxious and insecure. She knows he’s a lazy arse who can’t be bothered, she’s waiting for you to do something about it.
Leave him not just for Christmas but for good. You are already doing everything on your own anyway. Tell your dd it’s a fresh start and you are going to need her support.

Bless you. This sounds very hard. But like other posters have said, do not abandon your daughter. She will not understand. Please tap into your local young carer network. They should be helpful. I wish you luck.

The best way to deal with things is to assert yourself calmly and constructively. By all means tell your husband you need a break but take it at any other time than Xmas day. The act will be seen as passive aggressive. It won’t achieve anything with your husband and it will make your daughter angry.

Yes you need help to review your life and marriage and to make changes. But get this rather than making gestures that will only create more friction with your daughter.

Seriously Christmas for three is just a fancy lunch. Downsize it and downgrade it as an event.

It's pretty clear you need a break, but I don't want to just add to the pile on saying your husband is useless etc.

I just offer my own perspective, which is that I work a pretty demanding, high pressure job which requires me to make 1000 decisions a day, and pretty much all I want to do come the Xmas break is take a few days off to unwind, have a wee mulled wine or two, and relax.

That said, a wee bit of family time putting up the tree and wrapping the odd present are not a lot to ask, and are in fact part of the relaxation!

Your DH is obviously being a bit extreme and refusing to get involved in anything, but I just make the point that for many of us, days of organisational hell at the end of the year are exactly the opposite of what we're looking for. But I get that probably isn't your issue here.

Ugh, you poor thing! I can see why you're tempted.

I think taking your DD somewhere is a lovely idea. Mainly because your DH will gave a huge wake-up call to be at home alone over Christmas. The first day might be ok, but the novelty will soon wear off.

As your DD is so aware of her behaviour I would t suggest the trip away as a treat for her. I'd be honest. "You lot have been draining the life out of me for years. I'm going to treat myself to a break this Christmas. If you'd like to join me, you'd be really welcome. But if you kick off, it'll spoil it. So it's your choice. Come with me and we'll have a calm, fun time. Or if you know you'll explode, then please be honest and admit that and you can stay here with your dad."

Actually I don't know if that'd work. This is really hard!

I would t suggest the trip away as a treat for her

That should say "wouldn't"

I would definitely go! It sounds like you’re having to put up with a lot, you seem to do everything with very little in return OP. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about leaving them for Christmas Day, you definitely deserve a nice Christmas. I would throw caution to the wind and book something nice just for you!

Maybe they’ll realize how awful they’ve been to you or maybe they won’t but at least you’ll have had a nice relaxing Christmas yourself mum’s are made to feel guilty about everything but he is her parent too, let him deal with Christmas this year and you enjoy yourself wherever you decide to go.

You are unhappy and expressing it by wanting to disengage and run away.
Your DD is unhappy and expressing it by lashing out at you.
No one is behaving in an emotionally secure way here, nobody.
Of course you can’t leave your 13 year old DD at Christmas. Being blunt - you are a grown up and you need to gather the strength to fix this shit show. Leave DH? Get help? Get counselling? Get a Christmas takeaway but if you bail on your DD the consequences would be disastrous for your relationship with her.

You should OP, nothing is worse than to feel unappreciated and taken for granted. My ex was like your DH, this is why he is now an ex.

I saw young carers suggested try and see if there is one in yourarea (there usually is) they are brilliant in supporting kids in your Dds situation she doesn't have to be doing physically for her brother to have carers responsibility, I know this isn't what your thread is about but I just wanted to add support to the suggestion.

I agree with Oliversmumsarmy - why are you doing all this stuff that you're so resentful about? Sure, buy yourself some nice things to put under the tree, but I'd order then gift-wrapped. Do the tree on a weekend and get everyone to pitch in. My DH gets the tree down from the loft and assembles it and the kids decorate it. For food, I get the turkey from Waitrose all done with stuffing etc in a foil tray, so all I have to do it is pop it in the oven. It's only a Sunday roast and doesn't take any longer than normal. You've made a rod for your back with Christmas, so stop doing it. It doesn't have to be crap, but think about how you can make it all a lot easier on yourself.

And then consider visiting a solicitor in January about separating from your 'D'H is he's such a selfish, useless twat. I can't believe you had relationship counselling and absolutely nothing has changed. He clearly just doesn't care enough to pitch in more.

I think you are responsible for your own happiness. You sound worn out! You sound lonely and isolated.

I would suggest doing something that suits you! Plan Christmas around you. You know he isn't going to do anything that helps you or get you gifts but that doesn't stop the hope that "maybe this year he will" so therefore you are left feeling crap because he didn't bother. An the fact you have brought your issues up with him an he hasn't done anything about it means he generally isn't willing to change. He doesn't see a problem. The circle is continuing to go round because your daughter sees her father behaving the same way. You can shout the loudest but no one is listening. Your behaviour needs to change for you to feel better. So stop doing everything.
You need to teach your daughter to take responsibility but it sounds like your husband is a no hope.

Do what you want for Christmas but it is your responsibility to in force your daughters duties i.e clean up after herself, hoover the house, do dishes etc!

Set out what you expact from your relationship and then see what you get from it and how it makes you feel. Then move on.

and you know your dd wants attention and time, not your money

Christmas is not the answer and is still some weeks away.

You can make a change now! Is going away for a November weekend a possibility?
If not, please STOP doing everything. Leave his dishes. Tell him to cook one meal a week. And if he doesn't, he doesn't eat.
Tell them to pick the chores they will do, then when they don't do them, don't do them yourself.
Only when they've been living amongst mouldy, dirty plates, and have run out of clean clothes, and have had to eat beans on toast, will they start to help.

As her mum, what's your take on your dd's difficulties? Is she reacting to her dad? Her brother? Is something happening at school?
If I were you I'd be making plans to kick dh out but with full awareness that he may not provide every other weekend off. Do you think you can cope alone? Sounds like you are anyway.
I'd also be looking at ways to connect with dd that don't involve shopping or material goods. The film was a lovely idea. Walks out in nature, climbing, horseriding or something involving animals can be therapeutic. (You probably have thought of all this but just throwing ideas out.)
Whoever wrote about the calm talk over coffee and waiting to hear her thoughts, that sounds constructive, if it can work.
Ask her how she'd like to spend Christmas? Tell her you're having this Christmas off, would she like to go away with you or would she like to stay at home with dad, go to grandparents etc. Give limited options that you're happy with rather than full control.
If all this has been tried or you know it won't work....book yourself a break, possibly starting boxing day as others have suggested. Keep christmas day stress free. Simple meal that YOU like, movie or music on. Early night.