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Original poster

Online date turned up looking nothing like his pictures

373 replies

Crystal1981 · 26/10/2019 13:55

So I had been talking to a 28 year-old guy for a week. He sounded lovely (honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that nice before) and he looked very cute on his pictures.

We arranged to go for a drink and he told me he would be outside a café in a blue coat and black jeans.

I got there early so hovered around. I saw an older grey haired man waiting outside but couldn't see him. He then texted again saying he was under an umbrella and I realised that older man WAS him.

Now I know people can use pictures that are a couple of years old and pictures can be filtered, men can add an inch or two.
But honestly not sure this was the same person.

If that guy was 28, i'm the prime minister.
He had virtually a full head of grey hair. There is nothing wrong with grey, but using only photos where you have brown hair is misleading.

He looked like a different person to his photos and much, much older.
I thought there was no point even going for a drink and getting his hopes up. I text saying I had an emergency and got straight on the bus home.

I know that was really not good what I did but neither is misleading someone.
What would others have done ? Anyone else had this experience ?

OP posts:
WhineUp · 26/10/2019 15:57

Liars don't deserve any chances.

MonsterMashedSpud · 26/10/2019 15:58

Yanbu.

If we order a certain meal at a restaurant and we’re brought a completely different dish it’s not what we ordered and the waiter will take it back.

This man lied to you. Don’t feel bad.

53rdWay · 26/10/2019 15:58

Maybe he would have explained why the photos he used were so different.

What explanation could there have been? An evil godmother aged him 20 years overnight?

Original poster
Crystal1981 · 26/10/2019 15:58

Yes I agree. To the PP who said age should matter, it shouldn't but there is a difference between someone saying they are 28 when they clearly aren't.

OP posts:
JellyfishAndShells · 26/10/2019 16:02

Obviously everyone is entitled to use a photo that they think does them justice/ flatters them - but to a reasonable extent. An acquaintance talks about how all her on line dating meet ups didn’t work out but it was no surprise in some ways as she used some very glamorous, retouched , professional photos that not only made her look a couple of decades younger but very polished. ( Hair very ‘done’ etc, and a lots of make up and evening wear)

She turned up for the dates in her usual casual, scruffy style which was at total variance with the photos. The men who liked the polished look would have been disappointed with the reality, no wonder the dates were awkward - and she may well have put off nice men who would have been more comfortable with a more relaxed and honest style.

Potnoodledoo · 26/10/2019 16:03

What explanation could there have been? An evil godmother aged him 20 years overnight?

He turns in to a pumpkin at midnightGrin

ScreamingBeans · 26/10/2019 16:04

Of course you weren't being unreasonable.

As others have said, there's a hell of a difference between choosing a flattering picture that you could look like this afternoon if you put some make up on, and choosing a picture that was 20 years ago that you'll never look like again.

I am gobsmacked that anyone considers it mean to not bother to go ahead with a date with a fucking liar at worst and a delusional man at best tbh.

So much female socialisation and policing of women going on there, in that word "mean" when used in this context.

Mermaidtissues · 26/10/2019 16:04

Yes I had similar. Also one guy had gained several stone in weight since his photo.

BusterCat1 · 26/10/2019 16:04

It happens a lot men send you a pic from years ago ,i had it done to me the guy who turned up was older and larger and had teeth missing than in his photo but he was a real gentleman treated me extremely well but we lived too far apart to see each other regularily ,i don't know what it is but i always look at someones mouth when i meet them it turns me off somewhat if they have dirty teeth of missing teeth i can over look their other features but the mouth is a decider

WhineUp · 26/10/2019 16:04

Of course age matters, to some of us at least. Looks matter, to some of us at least. It is absolutely NOT unreasonable to have your own standards, and to not want to date someone 20 years your senior or simply someone you find unattractive. It's neither wrong nor shallow - it's just that women are conditioned to set the bar low. Cause inadequate unattractive dudes deserve young hot girlfriends, doncha know.

DM1209 · 26/10/2019 16:11

That's very poor form on HIS part and you did nothing wrong. He started off with a dishonest foundation, you weren't in any way obligated to stay.

Has he been in touch since?

SusieOwl4 · 26/10/2019 16:11

I think you did the right thing - if he gets in touch I would just say " I did go to the café but to be honest I could not see anyone who looked like you there at all? "

ivykaty44 · 26/10/2019 16:13

If someone lies about their appearance, then what else are they deceitful about? Why would anyone want to be conned & op you were correct to flea the scam

keepingbees · 26/10/2019 16:17

I think you did the right thing. It's not about age or being grey, it's about the dishonesty of it.
I wouldn't want to date someone who lies about their age (what else are they lying about), led me into a date on false pretences that I wouldn't have otherwise agreed to, and insulted my intelligence by thinking I wouldn't notice or mind (or would be too polite to do anything about).

womenspeakout · 26/10/2019 16:21

He catfished you, you had no obligation to then go on the date with him.

Don't feel bad, those who say you should are incorrect, if he lied like that about what he looks like or his age, everything was probably a lie.

He's a catfisher.

trendingsomewhere · 26/10/2019 16:21

You 100% did the right thing OP.

I wouldn't feel safe (and I'm a tough cookie) with a person (stranger) who lied to me and tried to deceive me from the off.

Glad you didn't just suck it up like some posters are suggesting you should. Glad you have more self-respect than that.

Hopefully the next date will be with someone honest so you can get to know them.

GinNotGym19 · 26/10/2019 16:24

You did the right thing. He shouldn’t lie! Especially about something so obvious!
I don’t agree with pp suggestion that you should of called him out, that could of been dangerous. The safest thing to do was just leave.
You shouldn’t feel pressured into going through with something you’ve agreed to on false pretences either.

DragonontheWagon · 26/10/2019 16:26

Aaaggghhh I give up.

Women please stop being grateful and nice to entitled men banking on the woman being nice and taking a punt on him despite the fact he's lied from the outset. Obviously that's aimed at the people saying the Op was mean.

We do not have to put up with this shit anymore. Yes women misrepresent themselves but I think that's coming from a different angle a lot of the time. Women are judged on their looks and are expected to be a certain way. So they tweak things under the illusion that they'll get no-where telling the truth because older men think they're entitled to an attractive, nubile young woman.

Ffs it nearly 2020...

LazyFace · 26/10/2019 16:26

My husband had a different age on his online profile, it said 38. I asked him about this on our second date, where he admitted he was actually 42 and his mates had advised him to set his age lower as women will set their search to max 40. True enough, that was my limit and I could see the logic. The extra 2 years didn't bother me in the end.

MitziK · 26/10/2019 16:28

I think it's a personal safety thing. If somebody disappears on a date with a 29 year old man with brown hair, blue eyes, 5 foot ten and of slim build, nobody's going to be looking for a 57 year old bald guy who is 5 foot 5 and drives a battered looking white van.

NameChangeNugget · 26/10/2019 16:29

YANBU at all. What an idiot.

I don’t understand why people doing OLD put old pictures up, not expecting people to notice, they’re 10 years older or 4 stone heavier Confused

mencken · 26/10/2019 16:31

OLD is all about looks because that's all you know about the person. So it does indeed waste time if the photo is 20 years old or of someone different.

what was the guy expecting to happen?

youkiddingme · 26/10/2019 16:37

We can all grant a bit of leeway for someone choosing one of their better photos but to choose one that is unrecognisable is either dishonest or stupid, and I'm guessing dishonest if he looked so much older.
Both people were invested in the date and spent time, money, and trouble getting there, but only one was misled about who they were meeting.
I find it creepy that he tried to mislead you. I think you totally did the right thing in scarpering.

MapMyMum · 26/10/2019 16:37

I think you should message him, say you turned up but the only person you could see had grey hair. Ask if it was him, and suggest new pics if it is so future dates recognise him. Id be truthful and say you were looking forward to it as he'd seemed nice

FavouriteSoul · 26/10/2019 16:41

A workmate met a man off POF who, prior to meeting, claimed to run his own landscape gardening business and to live in a 2 bedroomed flat overlooking the canal in the city centre. He drove a sporty looking Saab. On their first date he confessed that he couldn't drive, had never even had a driving lesson. He lived with his parents, had never left the family home, and his job was working for the council, mowing grass in municipal parks. He was 43, but had claimed to be 35. The thing is, if he'd been honest about his job, the fact he couldn't drive and his living situation, she might have been interested, despite all that. But what else was he lying about? She said she felt sorry for him, but also annoyed at the deception.