Online date turned up looking nothing like his pictures

[Crystal1981]

So I had been talking to a 28 year-old guy for a week. He sounded lovely (honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that nice before) and he looked very cute on his pictures.

We arranged to go for a drink and he told me he would be outside a café in a blue coat and black jeans.

I got there early so hovered around. I saw an older grey haired man waiting outside but couldn't see him. He then texted again saying he was under an umbrella and I realised that older man WAS him.

Now I know people can use pictures that are a couple of years old and pictures can be filtered, men can add an inch or two.
But honestly not sure this was the same person.

If that guy was 28, i'm the prime minister.
He had virtually a full head of grey hair. There is nothing wrong with grey, but using only photos where you have brown hair is misleading.

He looked like a different person to his photos and much, much older.
I thought there was no point even going for a drink and getting his hopes up. I text saying I had an emergency and got straight on the bus home.

I know that was really not good what I did but neither is misleading someone.
What would others have done ? Anyone else had this experience ?

I'm slightly torn on this - I've never tried OLD myself but, as previous posters have said, I understand it is full of people who tweak details of all sorts in order to get more interest. In this case, I think the OP was justified in feeling conned if the date looked nothing like his profile pictures. On the other hand choosing someone on the basis of physical qualities can be unwise. He was still the person who wrote those nice things while they were chatting (although I suppose he could have plagiarised/copied those etc. or just been saying what he thought a potential date would like to hear). Personally I am of the school of thought that women, in particular, experience attraction and arousal mentally and emotionally and not just physically. In a public place, as they were on the date, having taken the trouble to ge there I would probably have been willing to stay a few minutes/an hour and see whether I warmed to the guy in the flesh. However the OP was, of course, entitled to make her own decision.

@Clarinet1 you're talking absolute bollocks. Stop defending creepy men.

I think you reacted in the right way, Crystal. Saves his pride too.

Why people try and pretend to be younger on these sites beats me, there are plenty of people late 40s-50s who are quite lively and look OK who would love to meet someone in the same age group because they'd have so much in common.

Onwards and upwards. You've done everything right so far, planning to meet him in a public place, etc (even though you didn't meet him, hee hee).

I have no problem meeting people who are grey, or older, or any of that jazz. I have humungous problems with meeting someone who is misrepresenting themselves so massively. Yes, choose a flattering picture - but not one that no longer looks like you.

THAT is why the OP was right to leave. Someone who will misrepresent the way they look, when they KNOW the truth will come out is going to have no qualms about lying on topics where the truth would not be so immediately apparent.

It's not about being concerned with superficialities, it's about being concerned with a person's character.

I don't blame you.

FWIW, I'd have done exactly the same thing. Guy's a creep and a liar. He LIED. He's just some old crusty guy looking for a shag with a young woman, hoping that female socialisation will compel the woman to follow through. He doesn't deserve a MINUTE of your time, OP.

What's more. Physical attraction is very bloody important. Don't know about other women, but personally, no matter how amazing, clever, funny, intelligent and charming a man is - I'd never want to be intimate with someone I'm not into. Especially not some shady lying shitbag.

BlueRussian I would never defend lying but if the best they can hope for is too be quite lively and OK looking’ then I can see how it happens!!

You should always go with your gut feeling and if you didn't like what you saw then that's ok at this stage to run a mile lol. That's the trouble these days everyone's filtered and takes a hundred shots to get a great shot. We've all become super insecure. He may have been a lovely sweet guy or he may of been a horrible old perve. You have to be so careful. X

I guess it depends how different he looked

Do the pictures look like they were taken 20 years ago? Is he wearing 90s/00s clothes?

He might still think he looks like that

I think what you did was fine if he genuinely looked really different, if it was just the hair I'd probably meet him but if more then no. I think you should message him to explain why though, he needs to understand that you didn't meet him because he lied because at the moment he probably just assumes you are a dick

Oooh he KNOWS why she didn't meet him. He knows damn well. He was just trying his luck and would undoubtedly send her a barrage of nasty messages if she tried to explain it now.

How 'mean' was it of him to lie and waste your time? FUCK THAT! I'd have done the same. It's not lovely, sweet or nice to lie like that, it's bollocks.

I dont think its mean at all. In fact, its sensible.
We all put our more flattering photos online and that's fine, as long as they represent what we actually look like.
Theres a massive difference between a flattering photo and one twenty years old that someone wouldn't recognise you from.
The only reason he wasnt honest about his age or appearance was because he's trying to get women to go on dates with him that he knows they otherwise wouldn't.
Its creepy at best and a massive red flag at worst.

The thing is though is if I take a photo of me with make up, spanx, nice clothes with styled hair I look good. Very different to me in bed on a Sunday morning with a hangover. I'd be pissed off though if a man said I was lying in the nice picture. At what point do we say this is lying though? 5 years out of date? 1 year out of date?

I probably still look at pictures of me at 16 and see me, i see me being happy on the beach or whatever and I don't often think that I look really different to that now. Because it's still me. It's a weird one online dating, even personalities are edited because you have time to think before you reply, you can ask for help from friends etc.

Everything about online dating is a carefully crafted image of you, it's not actually you till you meet in the flesh

I can't believe people are saying she was mean.
So he was nice. So are lots of people, at first.
The OP obviously didn't feel comfortable. Trust your instincts, OP.

Has he been in touch OP?

Twenty years ago, I went on my first and only internet date. I was expecting to meet an attractive young soldier who was my age. In fact, he was someone in his 70s, complete with grey, bushy beard. I did challenge him on his picture - "oh yes, I used my grandson's picture as I thought there was no way someone your age would be interested otherwise..."

@BlueCornsihPixie of course you would use your most flattering photo.That goes without saying.

But at least make it recent.

Stuff thinking about his feelings.

You did the right thing OP to keep yourself safe.

I have done LOADS of internet dating and there is a difference between choosing a flattering photo and completely misrepresenting yourself.

Of my many, many first dates there was only one like this - I walked into the bar and couldn't see him at first, then realised that the troll by the bar must be my "date"... I was so horrified by his appearance and how wildly different to his photo (only one photo - red flag) that I was about to turn around and walk out when he spotted me. He was much fatter, older, balder, and so much uglier it was surprising. As we spoke I realised he had misrepresented himself in all other ways...he said he worked in software engineering...turns out he was a sales rep for a stationary company that sold stationary to software companies...said he was active...used to play rugby once a week at university 15 years ago.. etc...

I had agreed to go on a date with him because I thought we had things in common from what he put in his profile but they were all exaggerations to the point of being lies. So we had nothing in common. It was a massive waste of my time.

The photo was the thin end of the wedge - you did the right thing.

Keep going OP, it's worth it. I met DH online and fancied him so much when I first saw him I spoke total nonsense for the first 10 minutes.

My dad went on an online date once, for dinner, when the woman told him that she was trans gender. He continued his meal with her out of politeness. Imo she should have told him before meeting. So op yanbu.

I’m still going on the supposition that the op is 38 trying to meet guys who are a decade younger. The 38 yo guy who claimed to be 28 probably thought that she wouldn’t mind meeting a guy the same age as herself, so it was worth a shot.

It's not up to anybody else to decide what the OP 'minds' or not FFS!

The OP could be 78 and choose only to meet guys 28 and under. Not terribly likely, but within the realms of possibility albeit she probably wouldn't get much interest. So long as she'd been HONEST right from the get go however, she couldn't really be criticised.

Similarly, the guy in question here. He might really be 53 and have decided that in an ideal world he'd like to have a 25 year old girlfriend on his arm. It's far less likely that many 25 year olds would find him attractive compared to say, women aged 47 to 57, but nonetheless, that's his prerogative so long as he's prepared to wait a long time to get what he wants and that he's HONEST about himself at every stage of his search.

It's never alright to presume what other people find acceptable, tolerable, attractive. Attraction is such a subjective thing anyway. Someone can tick all your boxes in theory but still be unattractive in the flesh. The very best and only thing you can do to maximise the chances of finding genuine mutual attraction is to be HONEST so everyone knows where they stand.

I can't believe people are saying she was mean.

Me, neither, but it's why so many women wind up in shitty relationships - they don't go with their gut, set their bar in the negative figures, are conditioned to believe not putting up with liars and idiots is 'mean'.

It's an arsehole thing to misrepresent yourself and a lie.

It's a shame you didn't give him a chance. You said he was really nice to talk to so I'm not sure why age or hair colour should matter that much. Maybe up close he would have looked different again? Maybe he would have explained why the photos he used were so different. It doesn't sound great but maybe there was an explanation.

Have you spoke to him since?

You did the right thing.

Whilst I wouldn’t give a shit if someone has grey hair, the fact that all photos had a totally different colour hair would be enough for me to assume the person was a liar and con artist.

It's a shame anyone has their bar set so low they think liars should be given a chance.