Online date turned up looking nothing like his pictures

[Crystal1981]

So I had been talking to a 28 year-old guy for a week. He sounded lovely (honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that nice before) and he looked very cute on his pictures.

We arranged to go for a drink and he told me he would be outside a café in a blue coat and black jeans.

I got there early so hovered around. I saw an older grey haired man waiting outside but couldn't see him. He then texted again saying he was under an umbrella and I realised that older man WAS him.

Now I know people can use pictures that are a couple of years old and pictures can be filtered, men can add an inch or two.
But honestly not sure this was the same person.

If that guy was 28, i'm the prime minister.
He had virtually a full head of grey hair. There is nothing wrong with grey, but using only photos where you have brown hair is misleading.

He looked like a different person to his photos and much, much older.
I thought there was no point even going for a drink and getting his hopes up. I text saying I had an emergency and got straight on the bus home.

I know that was really not good what I did but neither is misleading someone.
What would others have done ? Anyone else had this experience ?

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I met a bloke online. Seemed nice enough. Told me he was 5 foot 8. We met up. I’m 5 foot 6 in flat shoes. He was shorter than me. Anyway I decided that was fine as I mustn’t be heightist so I was told. Few weeks later it came out he had taken 5 years off his age. I was not impressed and we finished. What other lies would there be. Obviously if I had felt he was the one I might have been a little forgiving.

Ooh, Beansandcoffee, did he keep telling you you were 'tall, for a woman'? If so, it might be the same bloke!

He was so desperate for me to be over 5'8, to prove that he must be 5'8... it was bizarre.

Filters have a lot to answer for.

In what world does a potential parter want to see you with a plastic looking face, whiskers or a puppy dog nose?

I'd always ask for a 'there and then, here and now' selfie whilst still chatting on line before arranging to meet. I'd ask them to give a thumbs up or similar identifiable hand gesture so you know it's them and also not an old photo.

If they agree and send a picture, you know what you're dealing with. If they refuse, you know there's a likely reason.

I've grown to expect mild filter, but I've had guys photoshop themselves beyond belief. Total nose job, chin tuck, eye lift.

I dont have much free time so being catfished pisses me off. Liars are not deserving of my time.

If they agree and send a picture, you know what you're dealing with. If they refuse, you know there's a likely reason.

Once they've performed like a monkey do you send one back?

I dont think taking and sending selfies is common monkey behaviour Simone. But to answer your question: Of course I send a pic back. When I turn up to meet someone I look just like I do in my photos.

Only with my clothes on.🤷‍♀️

@BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers 🤣 🤣 Love this! And for what it’s worth OP, you did the right thing.

Whether you’re a selfie person or not I think if you’re OLD you expect to be asked for a selfie at some point.
Both parties know it’s the other checking they actually look like they say and I ran a mile at any ‘obviously edited/filtered nonsense’.

But then again I was the type of girl who had several ‘no make up activity photos’ and full length ones, on my profile - as I purposely didn’t want to waste my time turning up and a man being like 😒 - what’s the point?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a selfie before you meet, all the men I've dated have been out with women three stone heavier than their photos so the dishonesty goes both ways. Before I met my boyfriend (through online dating) we talked on the phone and exchanged clothed selfies.

Op you did the right thing to walk, people need to be honest.

Because I send proper photos, I'm easily recognised while I'm looking for the man in the photo who turns out to be 15years older/10 years younger, 6" shorter and 3 stone heavier than he said.

If he was significantly different from his photos/description, I wouldn't have wanted to make myself personally known to him and vulnerable either. It seems to be common that people don't look like their profile pics, but it's all about marketing at that stage isn't it? If you signed up to test drive a new Ferrari and we're presented with an older, second hand non sports car you would be likely to decline the test drive, right? Okay I get that people aren't objects, but even so, if you have a preferred age range and this person had clearly misrepresented themselves, it's hardly the basis for trust is it? It's your time, it's valuable, don't waste it on people who can't even have the decency to be honest with you.

My god I wish I had balls like you I would of sat through it awkwardly lol!!

Have posters even read the OP? He didn’t have grey hair in his pics so he has lied to the OP, deliberately mislead her. That is not fair or safe in online dating. If something happened to the OP then no one would know who to look for as he used different pictures (this is clearly an extreme example!) the OP wasn’t grey bashing just disappointed that a date she thought was promising had lied to her right from the start. Op I’d actually message him telling him
You saw him and how he’s mislead you so hopefully he can update his pictures and not do it to someone else.

I think that people who gaslight others rather than be honest with them is pretty poor behaviour on their part.
They kid themselves that they're a nice person because they've avoided any potential confrontation and don't want to admit to themselves that actually, they're no better than the person they're annoyed with.

I think you were wrong to just leave like that without telling him the real reason why you didn't want to continue the date. Clearly, there's no obligation to continue the date but you're wrong if you think your behaviour towards another person was remotely ok.

It was unkind.

@DioneTheDiabolist

I was thinking more along the lines of asking them to make a video clashing two cymbals together

I cant believe people are saying the op should have stayed as he 'could have been nice' nice people don't lie!! Jesus, I'd have been freaked out, he basically got her there under false pretences, you have to ask yourself what else he's prepared to do that's immoral... sod sticking around to be polite'.

And of course age may, or may not matter, but his age has nothing to do with this. His lies do. For all we know, the op may still have met him if he's been truthful about his current appearance and age.

Being careful when meeting strangers isn't to be taken lightly and not done by being 'polite'

zeldasmagicwand that sounds slightly victim blamey. If he chooses to misrepresent himself so blatantly op owes him nothing. He is a stranger and could've been dangerous. I have had men online being aggressive to me and I found it intimidating even though they have no way of finding me and I completely understand why op did what she did.

I met DP online. In his photos he had brown hair and he'd put 'brown' in his hair colour on his profile.

When we met up he was more grey than brown and I must confess that my initial reaction was to run but nearly 4 years later I'm so glad that I stayed. Turns out that when his hair is freshly washed it's quite grey and gets darker until it's washed again - strange eh? At least it proved that he showered before meeting me for the first time

You've got to go with what feels right to you with OLD, I'd never criticise anyone for listening to their gut feeling.

Zelda, I don't go on dates with men that I know to be liars and it is totally okay. That you set your bar so much lower is your lookout. I dont owe liars explanations or anything else, they have already wasted enough of my time, money and energy.

Oh and gaslighting does not mean standing someone up.

The OP was well within her rights.

I'd walk away too. I always used to pass a friend or relative pics before meeting them. What's the point in that if they kidnap or murder me and my friend has a picture of someone else?

zelda not everyone is emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with the confrontation it could lead to. Better him left wondering than the OP risking a smashed in jaw or a lifetime of stalking. Dont think some people realise how dangerous some people are and lying and expecting to get away with that much dishonesty is arrogant and a sign of a massive narcissist imo