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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
AnyMinuteNow · 30/10/2019 20:04

Yeah, don't let him lie to them in front of you.

Just make it clear that yesterday was the first you knew about it, so there wasnttany working on it at all as you were unaware until it wad too late.

Just keep it simple and unemotional as possible so they can process their own thoughts.

You are doing amazing and I'm so sad for what you're going through right now, but you will get through this. Amazing you and your amazing kids. Flowers

An inspiration.

NettleTea · 30/10/2019 20:19

yes it is 100% important that the kids know the truth.
Badmouthing would be calling him all the names under the sun and saying he has gone off with some stupid slut.
Telling them that you were as in the dark about it as they were, and that you didnt have a clue there was a problem, nor had you been 'working on it for months' is telling the truth.

Its important that they dont think you have been hiding this from them

PinkpompomDaisy · 30/10/2019 20:38

What nettle tea says is important , I agree.

TuttiFrutti123 · 30/10/2019 20:38

Forgot to add on my earlier post that he didn't protect your feelings so why should you protect his.

You will wonder where he is and what he is doing but that doesn't mean you are obsessed. He was a big part of your life for so long and it takes a long time to turn your feelings off but he has shown himself to be a liar yet again by what his Mum said about coming home at midnight. I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt. He's a snake!

suggestionsplease1 · 30/10/2019 20:53

If you want to give his mum a heads up I would say to her along the lines of "Has he spoken about X to you? " That way you have not stated anything (after all, you don't know 100%) but you have given her the inkling about what is probably really going on. Then she'll soon be questioning her son.

Innishh · 30/10/2019 20:58

Would showing the DCs his texts be useful?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/10/2019 21:07

Nope, don't show texts.

Be honest and truthful with them but don't badmouth him.

When my DM and DF split we were put in the middle and there was badmouthing from both sides but all we wanted was the truth and honesty. We didn't get it, we got it a number of years later and felt very let down that we weren't told.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/10/2019 21:35

I have been thinking about this just now and the women I know who have protected their philandering husbands have been burned by that.

I think there is an argument for varnishing the truth with tiny children but yours aren't tiny. You can tell them the facts and they can come to their own conclusions.

Derbee · 31/10/2019 02:03

Be honest with the children. Stick to facts. You won’t need to bad mouth him - your children sound like they will see right through everything.

The problem with going along with the lies your husband tells them is that you will have to decide with every lie, whether to let it go or not. Start as you mean to go on.

He lies. You correct with facts. He misleads. You correct with facts. He omits. You correct with facts. And so on and so forth.

Do not allow him to put 50% of the blame on you. He needs to take 100%. He’s left, he’s split the family, he’s been having an affair.

KristinaM · 31/10/2019 02:48

I agree about telling the children the facts. They are not stupid , they will see through the story of a close female friend who isn’t his Gf but split up with her husband the same week that he left you.

Let them draw their own conclusions about her.

Has your STBX made proper arrangements to see his kids ? Don’t let him come to your house to visits them, he needs to take them out or have them over to his mums. He needs to have the full “divorced dad” experience ASAP.

TuttiFrutti123 · 31/10/2019 08:15

The problem with going along with the lies your husband tells them is that you will have to decide with every lie, whether to let it go or not. Start as you mean to go on.

He lies. You correct with facts. He misleads. You correct with facts. He omits. You correct with facts. And so on and so forth.

Do not allow him to put 50% of the blame on you. He needs to take 100%. He’s left, he’s split the family, he's been having an affair.

I agree with Derbee's wise words 100%

CanISpeakToYourManager · 31/10/2019 08:38

My kids are 13 & 15. If I wanted to tell them a version of the truth that didn't totally destroy them, I might say something like....

Im afraid I'm not totally sure why our relationship has broken down. Obviously I am very sad and confused about this and I wish it hadn't, for my sake as well as yours. There are going to be lots of changes that we are all going to have to get used to and we won't always like them. I don't think I can speak for your father about what he wants or feels.

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 09:23

I’m beginning to hate text messages. It makes it so easy for him to send me something and then just disappear. This morning he’s written I mustn’t poison the children against him and I need to admit my part in all of this. But, aside from just existing, I don’t know what my part is because he won’t say.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 09:27

Text please explain.
I thought you left us all as you wanted glorious adventures.

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 09:33

I tried to call him but no answer. My daughter cried herself to sleep last night. I know it’s petty but I wish he could see the damage he’s doing.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 31/10/2019 09:34

I agree with telling the children the truth. Because at the moment they will be wondering why you didn't tell them what was happening when you were 'trying'. And there's the danger that they may blame you for that.

So if you let them know that you were as much in the dark as they were, then the blame goes right back where it belongs. And you can also show them how confused you are, being so suddenly and abruptly dumped - it makes more sense if you didn't suspect anything beforehand.

mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 09:35

I have forgotten, how old are your children.?

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 09:35

They’re 13 and 15.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 31/10/2019 09:36

Poison the children against him = refuse to go along with his narrative that this was an amicable and mutual decision.

What a shit

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 09:37

They were both absolutely stunned by the news. Like I say, we were really quite affectionate and close a couple of weeks ago.

OP posts:
zhaviva · 31/10/2019 09:37

Text back:
I will not interfere with your relationship with the children. However, I will not lie to the children. You told them we had been working for months to resolve issues. This is not true. I was not aware of any issues until you told me on xx date that our marriage was over. If asked about this or any other questions about our relationship, I will tell the children the truth in an age appropriate manner.

OrchidInTheSun · 31/10/2019 09:38

It's all about him isn't it? I'm sorry but I don't think he cares if your children are distraught or not; I just don't think he wants them to think badly of him.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2019 09:44

They really need to know the truth. Not the gory details (share those with his mother) but your DC are too old and bright to lie to.

You don't need to be spiteful (however tempting) but you need to be the one honest person in their lives.

0SometimesIWonder · 31/10/2019 09:45

Wow ! He's a piece of work isn't he ?
I think it's time you have an honest talk with the children and tell them exactly what's going on here.
Personally, I'd send mummy2017's text but a much stonger version:
"Please explain to the children that you left us all as you want glorious adventures".
It's now time to pull up the drawbridge At17 and put yourself and your children first.

mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 10:08

Your children are not fooled by their dad.
Maybe say to him if he asks, why he thinks he can fool to smart kids.