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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 31/10/2019 10:09

I suspect that he wants to be able to play 'Disney Dad' in front of his girlfriend, with his children happy that their dad is now happy and 'having adventures'.

He won't want to sully his new relationship with children who are resentful towards him and her, who ask awkward questions and don't want to go along with his narrative.

He wants that 'advert idyll' for his new relationship. He can't have that if the kids aren't on board.

Oh god, he'll be buying them all matching jumpers next...

mummmy2017 · 31/10/2019 10:12

Please tell your DD that this is not her fault that you were as shocked as she was, but nothing she ever did caused this.
That both mummy and daddy still love her, and that something has changed in how daddy thinks of mummy.

TuttiFrutti123 · 31/10/2019 10:35

and I need to admit my part in all of this.

Eh? Have I missed something here? You had no part, this was his choice. He made the decision to destroy the family, not you. He didn't give you the option to work on it as there was nothing to fix. He'd already planned his exit.

You won't poison them against him but you have no control over how they will feel about him and he has to accept that as a consequence of what he has done to them and you.

Your poor kids, they like you must be so confused. How could he do this to you all???

Hugs to you and them Flowers

Innishh · 31/10/2019 10:37

His texts are not helping you. They are triggering and causing you even more hurt, pain, trauma, distraction. You need to focus your finite emotional energy on yourself now so that you have a clear head to support your DCs at the worst moment in their lives.

Don’t let him anger or drain you of this energy. Keep yourself out of punching distance.

I would block his texts. Tell him to email proposed any proposed arrangements and you will consider them once a week with legal advice.

Your DCs need you to steady the ship as their Dad has abandoned them - but he is rocking it by upsetting you - which hurts them.

Don’t let him do this. Have 3 or 4 factual lines that you can give to your DCs. The rest they can take up with him directly. They also know that they have power - they can choose when and if to see their Dad on their own terms, they can choose not to meet his GF, they can choose not to take his calls or read or respond to any of his fantastical, deluded emotionally damaging texts.

Empower them and show them that they can have the power and responsibility to emotionally protect themselves. They are allowed to call BS at any time - they are allowed to express their devastation to him and not collude with his nonsense.

Have you seen a lawyer? Have the DCs go emotional support through their school, friends and friends parents.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/10/2019 10:57

Agree with Innishh, tell him to email re arrangements, or call in an emergancy. You're not here to be his emotional punch-bag.

When you next see him, tell him how you feel but please don't put anything heart-felt in a text. It really won't work and he isn't worthy of it. A Lol or thumbs up will suffice if you feel you can't ignore.

Agree with others who say simple honesty with kids is the best and if you don't know the answer: 'I don't know, you'll have to ask Dad...' is fine too.

You're doing great, OP.

0SometimesIWonder · 31/10/2019 11:07

Sound, sensible and compelling advice from Innishh.

Luckybe40 · 31/10/2019 11:20

Honestly OP, I’ve been lurking but had to come out to show solidarity, what a CUNT! I’m probably over invested but honestly, his selfishness and self absorption is off the charts! The only saving grace is that you WILL flourish as soon as you get over the horror and shock. When you heal, you will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. And you will soar. I promise. This man has dragged you down long enough.

Mix56 · 31/10/2019 12:07

copy & print Innish's post.
His email is full of bull. re poison.
the gut reply is "Why would I start lying to my children ?" but silence is golden.

AnyMinuteNow · 31/10/2019 12:50

Like I said before, just keep to the truth.

Do not stray from the facts of this.

He told you two days ago it was all over without warning, and its been a massive shock. He hasn't said why.

That ^ is all you need to keep telling yourself.

If he is trying ro re-write history (umm, yes he absolutely is), just go back to your basic facts. Tell them to anyone and everyone.

Do yourself a huge favour, give him a new email address to direct all and any communication on, advising you are blocking all your others from him, then block his phone number and usual email from his contact.

It might be an alien concept to you, but his is now out of your priorties list, you are top, then your dc.

Keeping you happy and safe from his head mess will also keep your dc free from it.

You have to step as far away from him as possible.

Let him know that you will be checking his emails at a set time (whenever is best for you, and only chsck yoir email then that best fits your schedule).

Being utterly selfish about this is good for you, and by association your dc.

The painful emotional processing of what's he's done you meed to take your own time to do, to care well for you.

He has treated you like utter shit and is no longer your friend or any other type of ally, but your enemy.

If he'd behaved honestly, put his dc first, painted an accurate picture of your relationship and showed you all the respect you deserve, this could be different. Its not.

Take control.

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 13:36

The children wanted to see him tonight but he’s seeing his special friend so that’s a no. I get to tell them, of course, while also adding that he still loves them etc etc. He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him. Am I? I don’t know what’s up or down right now.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 31/10/2019 13:47

He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him

he means - 'why arent you playing along like i expected you too?'

hes an arsehole. ignore him.

Derbee · 31/10/2019 13:47

@At17 here’s a perfect opportunity to be honest without badmouthing. “I know you wanted to see dad tonight, but he says he’s busy with the OW. I’m sorry this is happening to you guys. Dad is not thinking straight at the moment”

What a fucking prick. He’ll never admit the affair

JoyceJeffries · 31/10/2019 13:49

He really is a fucker of the highest order.

Do not lie to your children.

Perhaps block his number for a couple of days? His gaslighting is border line harassment now.

lolaflores · 31/10/2019 13:51

Hi At17 imbwatching this thread and you are in my thoughts. It doesn't alleviate your distress for me to call him all the names hes already been called and om sure I want eloquent enough. However, I think you are an amazing woman who has unfortunately been indicted into the hall of victims of arseholes.
Pull up a chair beside me. And it will be ok. I promise you. I look back down 25 years following my own incident at the hands of a bellend like this.
The chaos is going to happen as he tries to juggle his guilt against feeling entitled to his Hope's dreams and adventures. But believe this.. he will lose total peace of mind for the rest of his life. It may look otherwise but he will and the time will come when its obvious to all. It may not tear his heart and soul out but bit by it, he will lose it in shreds. Shame builds
This week I am celebrating 20byears with my now DH. and if old fuck face hadn't done what he did, I would never have met 5he man I have built a life with. You have got this even when y dont think you have. It hurts like nothing on earth and he is going to pull this shit but it might get easier to predict it and swerve it. That's what time brings.
Go on girl. You are an inspiration. All the very best . This has been a bit of a rant but I want u to know you have your life back

JoyceJeffries · 31/10/2019 13:52

And calling you a control freak is classic DARVO.

Mix56 · 31/10/2019 13:54

So he is already giving preference to the special friend , who isn't OW of course rather then his hurting DC only a couple of days after busting their family bubble.
Couldn't he see them for a couple of hours?
Is OW going to throw the toys out of the pram because he does actually have family ?
This man is the filth of the earth.

Original poster
At17 · 31/10/2019 13:57

Thank you all so, so much. I’m in tears here, but smiling at all your support. You’re making a difference.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 31/10/2019 13:58

He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him. Am I? I don’t know what’s up or down right now. NO NO NO NO NO you're not. Don't listen to him, listen to us. Of course you're not using your precious children to hurt the man who has fucking walked out on them!
How very fucking dare he! You are doing so well. Stay with us OP.

YouJustDoYou · 31/10/2019 14:02

Op, i do so hope you contradicted him when he lied and told them you;d "both" been trying for a while. Just tell them the truth, that you are just as confused as they are. That's not "manipulating" them, or "poisening" them, just the bare bones truth. Don't let the fucking cunt get away with it.

YouJustDoYou · 31/10/2019 14:03

And no!! A million times NO, fuck no are you a "control freak"!!! He's trying to gaslight you!

Robin2323 · 31/10/2019 14:09

Control Freak?

He sounds like a stroppy teenager who you've just asked to clean their room up.

Sounds like he's loosing the plot.
What exactly did he expect?

Hold steady op.

WaningGibbous · 31/10/2019 14:13

When they are older they are going to put two and two together. He may think you are poisoning them but they will work out the truth and get annoyed with you for not being honest with them.

AnyMinuteNow · 31/10/2019 14:13

You mustn't be derailed by his nonsense.

Keep your truth close.

Take control. (Ignore his blame deflextion and projection, he had control here, of you and the dc and still dangles you, take your own power back.

Speak to the dc about what they want, openly and without bias, but make sure they ensure they have enough downtime at home, lots of homework time, etc., And their own social life. He doesn't trump any of that no matter how entitled he feels.

Once they have established what they want, propose it to him.

Also ask how soon they want to meet, and what form they want it to take.

They might not want to see him for some weeks, needing time to themselves etc. They might want to have him.come.to their home to quizz him, they might want to be out and do something distracting for an hour or two

Its their call, not his, prioritse their needs in order to help them through this

Its very easy to think hes acting in their best interests and comply with his requests. Ask them, prime them about their choices and options, their own power in this situation, how they feel about him and his actions.

Do advise school of traumatic abrupt abandonment by him, so they can offer independent support for them if they want it.

GabsAlot · 31/10/2019 14:20

What a dreadful man turning this all on you-it was not you decision to break up you had no idea he wanted this and you will not tell your kids lies

simple as that-keep strong

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