Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

He is an arse turning it around you.

I'd text him back and tell him the only person who will ruin his relationship with his children is him. And that he needs to put them above his 'friends' at the moment to make sure that his and their relationship is at the forefront.

Although having said that they will soon suss that the reason he left is because of xXx friend.

He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him - he's the one that's caused the hurting, all on his own. Complete idiot. I hope one day he realises just exactly what he's lost.

I think honesty is the best policy here for the DC. They will see through lies, rightly so. You don't have to support him, you don't have to bad mouth him. But if you're just honest with them then I don't see how you can go wrong.

I agree with other posters saying block his texts and tell him just to email. Also, are the DC old enough to make their own arrangements with him? Not absolutely everything, but just the week to week stuff. When they'll see him etc. That way it's up to him to explain to them why he lets them down, why he can't see them, or call them, not you having to disappoint them.

Just to say, you have responsibility of the family environment, so please make sure that any arrangements work well and do not cause disruption.

Your dc potentially being at his beck and call will destroy their home environment. They are teens, facing important exams and need stability more than ever after this.

A plan set out in advance based on the levels of contact they want and not feel.obliged to give,thats fits with your week, will get them through.

Don't think for one minute that you have to work around him. You don't.

The DC are 13 & 15, I think they need and deserve the facts. This break up came as a shock to you. You had no idea how ex was feeling. You have not been doing anything different from your everyday life.

Also I would sit down with the children and ask them how they want to see their dad. They could visit at their grandparents house (at least you know they’ll be well looked after). They can text their dad when they want to see him and make their own arrangements. They need to let you know their plans. But contact is between them. It takes you out being the one trying to make excuses for twatface and maybe he’ll be shamed into stepping up and parenting his children and facing the pain he is causing them.

He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him.

That doesn't even make sense, OP. He's just so desperate to shift the blame to you, he's saying any random thing. Please don't listen to him! He's the poisonous one.

I agree with previous posters. You have your own truth, what you know and what happened. Don't let him take that from you! People rewriting history can be insidious.

At that age, I think the dcs and your ex should be able to get organised so you being the middle man.
If you are, the you are the messenger and the bearer of bad news to them, not their dad. If they contact him directly, HE will be the one who has to explain that he can’t be bothered to make the effort and see them in the evening.
One less thing that he needs to contact you about.

At17 you are amazing. I am so, so sorry you are going through this, and everyone else who's shared their stories.

I go a similar bombshell last night, after an initial heads up a couple of weeks ago, and some lame attempt at trying to make things work.

We have older children, and different home setup so in many ways it is much easier for me, as he is not physically around, but I so admire your strength, and am going to try and channel some of it myself.

Much love. xx

He said I’m a control freak, using them to hurt him going through similar break up and have been accused of the exact same - being a control freak. All because I pointed out the detrimental effects of his family bitching about me in front of DS and now am concerned that exDP is taking his kids to his family every time he has them as
A - he cannot seem to parent by himself
B - seems to like the divisive comments against me never mind these are around the kids and he is the one leaving!
C - actually I think he hates that I’m the main parent, I’m the one who hasn’t done anything wrong, and fears the loss of control of his kids.

So with you OP. Seems to be the go to phrase for actually caring about our kids and setting sound boundaries. It’s bullshit

Btw I think the courts take a dim view of exes leaving straight into either a relationship or not a stable home for the kids and changing plans to suit their single freedom.

Because it looks exactly how it is, his priorities, unlike yours, are not the kids.

I have to disagree with pp making arrangements separately with the dc, this stil puts you under his control, and you lose control your home.

You stil need to be able to dictate suitable nights the same as you would for meeting with anyone mid week or weekend and parties and stuff. There still needs to be rules.

Do you let him take over their contact, especially as hes behaving so poorly to you all.

He will mess their heads up hugely, and yours! You are the one that has behaved responsibly and he's playing fowl. Make sure you oit adequate protections in to keep a stable home environment.

You are their home.

Unfortunately you have to be in the middle, but at least by making the plan you are not being put in the middle of cross-fire which is all that the other way achieves.

It is a.minefield, but do not let him put you in tue way of your dc. Maintain control, its a good thing, so his accusations of you being controlig hes means negatively, whereas its food to have your control. Its essential or he will railroad you into the ground.

I really think you should tell the children the truth OP. That he's left you for another woman.
They're teenagers not little ones. And of course they'll realise anyway when dad decides to introduce his 'new girlfriend'.

@at17 I have been reading this thread over the last few days and keep coming on to check if there's any new developments.
Sorry, but what a total arse. Your children are lucky to have you. Please tell their school, they will be able to offer them support (I work in pastoral care in a school).
I agree with other posters, you do not need to slat their dad off but they are old enough to understand the truth. Please do not let him arrange their access visits though, I made this mistake with my DDs dad and she's all kind of fucked up through his mind games and emotional blackmail. Keep communication simple to do with the children and that's it. Tell him you won't lie for him.

Lastly, life feels shit at the moment and it will for a while but I promise you will get through this. You are doing amazing, you are clearly to good for him 🤗

Tell him the truth. He said he was done with the marriage, without warning, and he left. You have no idea why or what happened, as he won't tell you.

Be honest.

Excellent post from Innish. Please do exactly what she says.

Oh and screen shot every texts he sends you. You never know when you will need them.

It’s interesting that your ex gets to make choices for himself, to go off on his adventure , be fulfilled blah blah blah.

You, however, are NOT allowed to make choices about how you feel and what you say. The children are not allowed these choices either, they have to fit in with what their father wants and see everything from his point of view and not their own.

I think it will help the children to know that they have choices too and they can think and feel EXACTLY how they want. He doesn’t get to control their minds or their hearts.

He’s had months ( or even years ) to plan this but you are all meant to Get With the Programme in 72 hours.

For some reason, that doesn’t sound very fair to me.

What an utter cunt. He just gets worse and worse. So he’s declined to see if children and instead is seeing the other woman?!

I would be honest. A previous poster said it brilliantly that this is very out of the blue for you as well. I’d also be blunt that he is seeing the other woman. Why are you expected to smooth over his shit behaviour?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound lovely. He sounds like a total thundercunt.

@At17 just wanted to give my support too. Your XH has obviously been talking to mine as he has used the same script word for word.

Miserable for years, was always going to leave just didn't know when, stayed in for the DC as l couldnt possibly cope without him, have been nasty too him - but apart from one incident 10 years ago can't name anymore....l however had 16 reasons for my solicitor to choose from in regards to unreasonable behaviour. Not to poison the children, him and OW were "just good friends".....DS2 even asked if it was her when we split because it was so dam obvious to everyone except me , that l was a vindictive bitch because l wouldn't go along with what he wanted in terms of the financial split (his idea of a split would have left DC and l homeless)....

I could go on and on.

Mumsnet, RL friends and family helped me cope and thanks to here l could pretty much predict what utter shite he would say next!

They asked for (or tried to organise) contact,
He refused.
He still assumes he can waft by when he wants,
His accusation of you "controlling" comes from your refusal to just let him do this
Tough luck, he can cry into his mummy's hanky

With regards to access.

If the kids want this - they may not abs I always followed dd's lead.

It was every other weekend- no exceptions.
I mean only if dd wanted to go.

I got messed around on wims till I put my foot down.

Then you know you have your weekend and can relax not worrying what's happening.

In the end dd stopped weekends and only went Sunday.

By this time she organised it herself. And he did not mess about.

She 28 and does not see him.

And at 20 she worked out when he got together with his now ex wife (some months before we moved into our one parent family house. )
Kids aren't daft.

My DC are similar ages - now 12 and 16yrs....and l haven't lied. When DS2 asked if XH had someone else l said l believed so... again XH was furious because l wasn't going along with what he wanted....what he was used to me doing all these years to keep him happy.

He also put OW first unfortunately and that caused awful upset with DS2, and it still affects him now

KOKO OP. It really sickens me the way these (usually) men just waltz off and abandon their DC. Relationships break down, we get that, but why must they always put their selfish needs before their kids? Agree with others that before you know it, you will have a list of times he is available and you and DC will be expected to comply. And of course you won’t want to upset DC by making things awkward I.e. by asking for a plan of fair access. DC will be hurt by this more than the break up of the marriage. He really doesn’t deserve them but of course, your DC may end up taking crumbs rather than deal with his rejection. Devastating all round.

I gave him one chance for us to sort it out, he said no. So l said l do believe EOW is now yours and half of all school holidays.

His face was an absolute picture. He hadn't factored that into his new "normal life" (that's what he called it in his emails to OW..)

You have every right to be honest with your kids. You don't have to speak in unpleasant terms, but you are entitled to say that you had no idea he was unhappy, that his departure was a complete surprise to you and that you were not working on the marriage because you didn't know anything was wrong. And when they ask about his OW, you can also tell them that their dad has another woman in his life. That isn't alienation, that's what happened.

And you are amazing.

@At17 you need to start a new thread so we can continue supporting you

Oh no op I've just rtft. I'm so sorry. You've had some really great advice so far x

Just read the update OP and I think the kids will soon figure out who their Dad's priority iin life is and that's himself. If he had any decency he would set aside time to spend with his children after causing them this shock and hearbreak. He could see his special friend another time. He should be bending over backwards to reassure the kids rather than sending spiteful, blaming texts to you and arranging dates with his female friend.

Hope you can block him soon and arrange everything through email. Try to get a contact arrangement in place asap so he is not messing the kids about and dictating when he has freetime to spare to see them. He should be rearranging his diary around the kids and their commitments, not the other way about.

I hope your daughter sleeps better tonight and that your son is feeling a lot better too. Boys are good at hiding their pain when they are hurting. I'd definitely let school know so that they can keep an eye out for them and provide support should they need it. Their life as they knew it is no more and they have a lot of emotions to work through about this situation.

Hugs to you all