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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:

longtimelurkerhelen · 31/10/2019 19:49

@At17 Have you been to the Solicitor yet?

justilou1 · 31/10/2019 19:51

OMG, he just gets worse!
Your kids are old enough and smart enough to see from your reaction what’s going on. Don’t cover up for him. Tell them the truth.

Itallt0omuch · 31/10/2019 21:04

He's an absolute piece of filth. I'm not sure I agree with the children making their own arrangements to see him especially the 13 year old. A couple of days ago their lives were ticking along and now they're upside down - to then make decisions about how to deal with their father might be too much. They'll need the ops help to come to terms with the rejection like he's done tonight. Those poor kids. And poor you. You just need to be honest with them op. Tell them the truth.

Awaywiththepiskies · 31/10/2019 21:26

I know it’s petty but I wish he could see the damage he’s doing

He'll see it in a few years, when his DS regard him as largely irrelevant to their lives. Whether that will tear hm in two - as it should do - will be a marker of the kind of person he is.

He sounds awfully like my father who did much the same "I want to be freeeee to be meeeee" to my mother when I was 16. I hardly see him or ever talk to him now.

Idontknowhowtostop · 01/11/2019 07:25

Wow OP. Reading through the thread and you have done so well! Just because youve cried and what not, doesnt make a difference! Who wouldnt cry being in that situation? Sometimes people lose their temper over this but you have handled it with so much dignity

Hes mad now cause your not playing the role he gave you. I agree with blocking his number and just communicating through email, its stressful knowing that ping could be him. Get rid of the stress

I wouldnt be "helping" his relationship with the children either. Hes trying to rewrite history to you & others. He will do that to the DC too. They need the truth because otherwise they could end up being mad at you ( its easier to be mad at mum who is safe than it is dad who just left without warning )

Well done for transferring the money too, it is family money and there are 3 of you and 1 of him.

You'll be wobbly for a while, its a shock isnt it and a massive change. But this is your new life now OP, it will be exciting very soon.

He will get nastier and nastier as time goes on. You can see from his texts there is the chance he will tell people you have turned the children against him. Anyone with half a brain will see he did that himself. He will get madder and madder the stronger you get

Keep it up, in a years time you will look back and be so proud of yourself, honestly

justilou1 · 01/11/2019 11:02

I just wanted to pop in and wish you a lovely weekend. I hope you have a lovely time with the kids either doing something special or lots of lovely, snuggly, nothingness if that’s what you all need!

BlingLoving · 01/11/2019 11:06

OP. I've been following this thread from the beginning (and Dh keeps asking me for updates while muttering about your husband being a prat) but didn't comment as I didn't feel I had anything to add.

But just want to say I think you're being really strong. And that a PP who made the point that your H wants all the choices and doesn't seem to feel that you or the children should have any is absolutely right. It's heartbreaking that he's trying you this way and even more so that he's treating your children like this.

Innishh · 01/11/2019 11:31

I hope you are all doing as well as you can given the hideous circumstances you find yourselves in. I hope that you can reach out to family and friends - as it’s RL human social connection that will drag you through these dark tumultuous days.....it’s doesn’t have to be deep weepy conversations if that’s not what you need at that exact moment - it just might be a dog walk talking about something unrelated or silence.

I think the trick is not to get sucked into manic loops about “Why” trying to understand him etc. This is a waste of your finite emotional energy and headspace - you need to conserve every bit of that for your own emotional survival so that you can be resilient to support your children through this. All you all need to know is that has NOTHING to do with any deficiencies in any of you. You should be v upfront with your children that they carry no blame or no shame and that you are all strong and will survive. Children often blame themselves and catastrophise in their own heads. Encourage them to express their pain, confusion and anger and be emotionally available 24/7 to soothe them when it pops out. You can’t do this critical job if you are on edge listening to every text ping and mentally preoccupied with trying to understand HIM. You just need to understand the situation as it is right now - you have all been devastated and abandoned but you are the only one who can minimise the destruction for your DCs.

I wish you enduring focus and strength. You sound like a spectacular mother and woman and now is the moment in your life to seek support from the many people in your life who undoubtedly love and admire you. Give them that honour. Them supporting you will translate to great support for your children.

frazzledasarock · 01/11/2019 12:22

I think you should sit down with the dc and ask them what they’d like in terms of contact with their dad.

Say normally it would be every other weekend and half the holidays.

Ask them if they’d like to do that or something else.

Once you and DC have come up with a schedule that suits you, send it to knobhead. If he refuses see if he has a set schedule that he wants (I bet not).

Tell him ad hoc when he fancies is not happening as the children need continuity and they will find comfort in a set contact schedule.

Try and come to a set agreement.

Id send your suggestions via email so you have proof.

If he refuses or cancels contact I’d just be factual and tell the dc the truth. He’s said no, he said he’s busy or whatever.

Don’t lie or make him look good. Just be factual. Don’t need to bad mouth him or talk him up.

You’re going to have to be the calm stability they need.

Might help if you could get family therapy for you and dc together.

Autumnfields · 01/11/2019 14:17

Another one who agrees do not leave it up to the kids to sort or decide arrangements. They aren’t mature enough.

However it is not your job to ensure a good relationship with their father at all. You have enough on your place. Your job is to protect and maintain your family which is you plus kids now. That comes FIRST. I didn’t realize this for ages. Kept reacting to exes needs feeling that I must keep my kids close to their father. I do regret that.

You think long and hard about what you feel works for you plus kids contact wise. More contact isn’t necessarily better but stable consistent contact is and also your stability as a unit financially and otherwise.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies · 01/11/2019 15:20

Dear At17, I just wanted to come on again to repeat what so many have said that you are being incredibly strong, and dealing with this shit situation with dignity and grace. Your dc are lucky to have you.

I hope you manage some nice times with the dc this weekend. Baby steps.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 01/11/2019 17:34

I've just read through this thread absolutely aghast at the behaviour of your husband - the lies, the gaslighting, the attempts to make you the fall guy for his absolute arseholery and his absolute belief that you exist for no reason other than to meet his needs and pander to his whims. I just had to join the thread and say that you are dealing with this amazingly. So what that you get upset sometimes - that's because you are human and this utter spunktrumpet has treated you really badly. To see how quickly you have taken control and trampled all over his selfish plans is inspiring. Keep up the great work - you will get through this.

0SometimesIWonder · 01/11/2019 18:29

Spunktrumpet.... At17 whenever you are down, just think of this perfect description.
Thank you WelshMamma - no word is more apt.

marriedwithhounds · 01/11/2019 21:56

OMG FUCK this guy

Original poster

At17 · 01/11/2019 23:10

I realised today that he is desperately going for image management with the children. But going about it in a selfish and unfair way. Basically wanting to come and go entirely as he pleases while I stay at home and tell the children that he’s a good person and loves them etc.

I even felt sad today that in years to come, the children will look back at this time and wonder where he was when they needed him. Then I stopped feeling sad because only he can manage that. I’m not going to criticise him or paint him in a shoddy light, but nor am I going to gloss over this situation for his benefit.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 01/11/2019 23:20

💐

Ruderidinghood · 01/11/2019 23:39

You know what is going to happen here.....OP will find her feet, be happy and soar above the clouds.husband will find out the grass isn't greener and want to come home. OP won't want him back (hopefully).

Original poster

At17 · 02/11/2019 00:19

A happy ending seems so elusive to me right now. But I have hope. I always have hope.

OP posts:

AnyMinuteNow · 02/11/2019 00:29

from me too,for a happy weekend together. New lives to be lived

justilou1 · 02/11/2019 02:20

Time to email him (and his lovely mummy for accountability) and tell them exactly that. He doesn’t get to stop being a parent, and he doesn’t get to opt out of responsibility to his kids because he doesn’t feel like being a grownup anymore. Wandering in and out of their lives ad. lib. does not work for you or them.

vvbrownxo · 02/11/2019 03:37

from me. just rtft
he sounds a shit OP
as for your kids, they will know exactly what’s going on sooner rather than later - kids are switched on at that age and will put 2+2 together!
if the OW knows he’s doing this to both you and his kids, she’s just as much of a shit as him

RantyAnty · 02/11/2019 05:25

I don't have any more to add as others have said it much better than I ever could but just wanted to say I admire you and have no doubts that you'll get through this in time and soar as yourself again

The arrogance of these MLC are laughable if it wasn't for the very real pain they cause us and the DC. To think you'd just calmly sit around and wait for him and expect you to be his confidant of his long winded selfish monologues about him him him! and HIS amazing life adventure!! He's forgotten that you are a person too who has their own dreams and wants that it sounds like you may have put on the shelf for awhile.

Feel so grateful for this forum and all the wonderful, smart, savvy women here.

Robin2323 · 02/11/2019 06:09

THIS - so this as he followed the script.

Mix56 · 02/11/2019 07:34

"Hoping for a happy ending"
That you will lock him in a box in the back of your mind & live happily ever after... ?
IMHO there's too much water under that bridge now

Original poster

At17 · 02/11/2019 07:45

No, the happy ending i’m hoping for us that me and the children get through this and live a happier, more fulfilling and sunnier life. It just seems out of reach right now. But, like I say, I have hope we’ll get there, with time.

He’s writing his own story and his ending isn’t down to me.

OP posts:

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