Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

[MiamiBeach104]

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

How old are you OP?
I am assuming youngish with no DCs? If you want DCs you need to address your dysfunctional childhood which has left you emotionally injured and vulnerable to trying to rescue abusive men..........otherwise you will squander your finite fertile years.....or worse bring children into a toxic relationship.

Well done on getting out. Work hard on staying out and do not get into another LTR until you have deeply exposed and healed the damage caused by your parents. Your motivation - not to give your future DCs your childhood.

It would be a huge mistake to try to maintain a friendship with this man. He has been emotionally and financially abusive to you. You don't need a friend who does that to you.

Any attempt to maintain a friendship offers him the power to draw you back into the relationship. Please, please don't allow him to do that to you.

Sit down and write a list of all the things he has done to you that were unkind or controlling. Every time you think about wanting to be friendlywith him, read that list and ask yourself why you would want a friend who treats you like that. Every item on that list was a reason to leave the relationship and is a reason not to risk being pulled back in.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might help you understand more about his behaviour and how to keep yourself safe in the future.

Don't give brain-space to your doubts. You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance.

No matter how nice he is to you, please don't go to get your things alone and please don't start communicating with him. You have the right to protect yourself. Put your own well-being first now.

I'm turning 33 this winter. I would like to have a family and children and hopefully I've still got some time for this.

I'll be so careful settling with my next partner. This was a very painful lesson to learn...

Of course you've got time

What you need to do now is learn as much as you can about coercive control so you can recognise it earlier if it happens again.

The Freedom Programme is a good place to start.

Find a place to rent pay a deposit then tell him your done self care is important and you need it you don’t owe him anything bite the bullet you will be better off even if it’s not instantly.

Plenty of time.

Please get counselling, maybe do freedom programme and read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

And to reiterate - put it on your noticeboard..

You owe him nothing.

You owe it to yourself to make a good, happy life.

So many red flags. Run. As fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Just to add, I don't think you mentioned any physical abuse so you may wonder why I linked Lundy Bancroft's book - but it is really useful re general abuse/boundaries/psychology as well.

I got myself into some sort of angel guardian mode while with him. Always put myself aside just to ensure he was happy and ok.

Oh dear, that's a really really bad way of looking at your own behaviour.

You were not a lovely guardian angel. You were an alcoholic's enabler. You were an abuser of women's enabler. You actively helped him be that way.

You paid his mortgage so he had money for drink and prostitutes. You did everything possible to make sure he didn't feel the impact of his choices. If he correctly felt bad, you tried to stop him feeling bad.

If you continue fooling yourself that you were being nice then you are doomed to enable another drunk or druggie. You'll never be happy.

This kind of fucked up attitude comes with having awful parents. You get taught that enablement is what good people do. Nope. People who are actually lovely don't support bad people to do more bad things.

Al-anon might be a good place to start getting help with codependency. There are loads of free resources online too. The first step is, of course, to realise that you have a problem.

@TowelNumber42 I've never looked at it this way. It is harsh but in a way it is not wrong. Need to read up on the matter

How are you OP.

Hope you have stayed free. Codependency is something you can get past. It is incredibly liberating to shake off those shackles. Your life gets so much happier.

I'm still free, of course.

However it's tempting to get back together. He's promising he will change and how great everything is going to be again. Etc etc..

I miss him of course. We've spent 5 yrs together so no surprise. But determined to stay strong and not to get back together.

He's promising he will change and how great everything is going to be again. Etc etc..

No surprise there. He's going to try every trick under the sun to persuade you to go back.

This is why you need the list of reasons not to go back. Please spend a little time writing them down so you have something to refer to when you're having a wobble.

But determined to stay strong and not to get back together.

Of course he's promising the earth, Lady you did everything for him, and he treated you like shite.

You deserve this new beginning...

You being gone will be making it harder for him to afford his vices. My heart does not bleed. Nor should yours.

You should have blocked him you know. Why haven't you?