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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

192 replies

MiamiBeach104 · 20/10/2019 08:22

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 22/10/2019 08:27

Hmm I do think you should run for it and leave a note if you must. If you do speak to him I would have someone waiting outside for you. He sounds unpredictable. It also sounds like he’s going to have a good chance at talking you round. I’ve been in this situation where a charming but useless alcoholic had me driving him around and paying his bills and the only way for me to extricate myself was by sending a text and not speaking to him again. Even though he was awful he could always melt me face to face. Now I wish I’d escaped sooner!

welshladywhois40 · 22/10/2019 08:27

I probably haven't read in detail but do you need to tell him? You sound scared. Are you scared that he won't let you leave?

Firstly get treasured items out to a safe space. Next where are you going to live? Are you going to move home? Have a plan for this?

If you are scared to face him, take an afternoon off and pack and move. You can ask a. Friend to be with you.

Good luck and you can do this!

RandomMess · 22/10/2019 08:28

I would just tell him Friday morning as you leave for work that you're not coming back...

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 22/10/2019 08:29

The conversation wouldn't give me anything much, no.

I like the idea of saying I'm just leaving for a week to get some headspace and start from there

OP posts:
Uponreflection · 22/10/2019 08:31

But that’s leaving it open. I think you need to be much firmer about what you want.

RandomMess · 22/10/2019 08:34

If he works I'd take Friday off and back everything up and move out.

You need to end it.

Conniedescending · 22/10/2019 08:36

I really don't understand why you aren't just leaving - the way you say he will get you to stay is through his guilt tripping chat and yet you are planning the whole break up around him having an opportunity to do that. Why?

Do you really want ant to leave? Are you still hoping he'll have an epiphany and change?

If you must talk to him then arrange it for after you have made the break. You have somewhere to go - pack a bag and go. Then tell him

Then collect your things and have the 'chat' it you must

The way you are planning to leave is still around his needs and not yours

Uponreflection · 22/10/2019 08:41

So after your week’s headspace, what then? He will start talking you around.

TheClitterati · 22/10/2019 08:42

He won't listen and he will start the emotional blackmail. You know you don't need to have this chat? There really isn't anything to say, and there is no point at all in having an argument about it.

"This relationship is over". Just go op. Just go.

areyouafraidofthedark · 22/10/2019 08:44

I also don't understand why your stalling just leave.

nedflandereses · 22/10/2019 10:22

Why do you like that idea? Is it because you actually want a week to think?

dontdoxmeeither · 22/10/2019 10:23

Nooooo, don't go for the week for some space.

Look, you either want to end it and leave or not. Sounds like you have doubts. I know what I'd be doing.

Unless there's more, he sounds fucking awful. You are in SUCH a better position circumstance wise than most. No ties, somewhere to go, finances.

You do have a backbone, it's just hunched.

  1. Head up
  2. Take docs and bag of stuff
  3. Ring friend, tell them you'll be there tonight
  4. Leave goodbye note/send text
5.Arrange to collect stuff with friend.
Starlight456 · 22/10/2019 11:42

There is part of your post that really still wants to make this work . Hoping he says something that makes you stay . You have been treated really badly .

It’s payday weekend . Get out before he wants your cash . You are lucky you have no ties to this man.

Erinaz · 22/10/2019 12:13

Just keep reminding yourself that he didn't feel guilty when he did them things. Write a list of all the things he has done to remind yourself also really pamper yourself go on a spa day hair done extra cause you end up emotionally and physically exhausted being with someone like this .

Aknifewith16blades · 22/10/2019 12:18

The most dangerous time for a woman is often when she leaves a relationship.

I'd be very tempted to take the day off work, pretend to leave as normal and instead go back and collect your stuff, leaving a note behind. You can't care more about his feelings that he does about yours.

AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 12:31

You are not going anywhere Sad

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2019 12:36

Are you leaving today?

xJodiex · 22/10/2019 12:51

The bad outweighs the good in him, by the sound of it.

The quicker you leave him, the quicker you can find yourself a nice guy who will treat you right.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/10/2019 16:22

AF - nope - don't reckon so.

Zucker · 22/10/2019 16:30

Its not your house, you're not on the mortgage and there are no children. So why are you sneaking documents and secret bags about the place?

Pack your stuff, have that friend with you if you fear he will try to talk you around. Leave.

Drum2018 · 22/10/2019 16:33

As you might suspect I still want to talk to him but maybe just tell things quickly, grab my bag and go. We can talk later on

The conversation wouldn't give me anything much, no

I like the idea of saying I'm just leaving for a week to get some headspace and start from there

Will you please take the advise from numerous posters, forget about talking to him at all, and just leave ASAP. Surely he leaves the house at some point so grab your things and go when he does go out. Leave your keys on the kitchen table and I'd say he will then realise that you are gone for good. Then block his number and block from social media.

SpanishTiles · 22/10/2019 19:38

Why OP? Sad

Mummadeeze · 22/10/2019 20:08

I understand why everyone is saying ‘just leave’ but when you are emotionally involved and your self esteem has been worn down it isn’t always that straightforward or easy. I suggested the ‘getting some space and moving out temporarily idea’ to give her the courage to make the first step. Anything that makes it easier to leave first time round is better than not leaving at all. Once she is removed from the situation hopefully it will be a relief and it will be easier for her to tell him later that having the space has made her mind up and that she isn’t moving back. She doesn’t even need to tell him about the break in person, she could write him a note, but I get the impression that she still cares about him and is unable just to walk out without saying anything. I think having a friend there with instructions to not let her change her mind and to position it as moving out for a while might be a good way of escaping and making that first and toughest break.

AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 20:32

I agree that framing leaving as a temporary thing might be a reasonable step that might reduce the pressure on op.

By then, this dickhead will have moved on to his next mark anyway

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 22/10/2019 20:52

I'm thinking to deliver it as a temporary move as well. I think this way it might be easier to get out.

I think this way the risk of me not going through with it is reduced.

I'm happy I made the decision but need to get my head right and not to tremble on the day

OP posts: