Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

[MiamiBeach104]

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

I ended up staying another four years after the waterworks started. Mine wasn't even abusive or unpleasant, I just couldn't tolerate his nit picky behaviour. But those four years were hard, I felt guilty and tried to change my behaviour - he, of course, didn't change one jot after the first week of 'trying'.

Don't be me, wasting good time. Just tell him and leave. His reaction is his responsibility.

Gather all your important documents get them somewhere safe.

Next step pack everything else and leave.

Do not consider giving him notice then staying there with him for a month. End it and go.

I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. We were together for 4 years and for 3 of those, I was unhappy but scared to leave as I thought he was too vulnerable despite my feelings. He had endlessly said that he would kill himself if I left.

I finally couldn't cope anymore, Christmas had been my deadline too which rolled into new year. Something just snapped in me and i couldn't think of having any more new years, new beginnings with him in it.

I would recommend from my experience, having someone you trust aware of what's happening. I stayed with my mum, I grabbed a bag of essentials, left and spoke mainly on the phone or at my mum's house. I did call his mum though to let her know and said I was worried about him.
He did 4 suicide attempts to try to win me back, he also left statements out he'd written to his councillor that he wanted to kill me and then himself. So I basically i left all my belongings there after that for him to get rid of. I thought I could buy new stuff but not replace me!
I also gave in to his money demands for a gd 6 months before I signed over house to him losing all my equity.

But... deep down I knew I didn't care, the important thing was to be free of a toxic relationship.

Keep safe, tell your friend/ relative where you'll be, what your plans are and check in. Take someone with you and I feel what kept me safe was talking on neutral grounds.
Walking away won't be the end (in my experience) of the turbulence but it's the beginning of the end and more importantly the start of you finding you again and getting the happiness you deserve x

Echoing others. Just go. Go now. Stop feeling sorry for him. He doesnt feel sorry for you.

Just go.

Firstly, he is a grown adult and you are not responsible for his stupid behaviour. If he tries to commit suicide (unlikely to actually go through with it as he's just using it as a nasty threat), it's his decision.
You can't and shouldn't stop him doing stupid things.
Remember that he's used prostitutes despite having a loving girlfriend at home. He doesn't consider your feelings when he's doing this.
All abusive men will show their kind side occasionally but it hardly excuses the rest of their awful behaviour, so don't let that cloud your judgment.

Stop thinking about some vague time in the future and start preparing today to leave him in the shorter term. Don't wait until after Christmas. Why should you be miserable just to appease him?

No kids or mortgage, there's really nothing stopping you moving on. Get out now and start enjoying your life free from this twat. In a few years from now, you'll look back and wonder why you put up with him for so long.

Only you know how he's likely to respond, what he's likely to use to stop you and what you need to do to prevent that.

Definitely get important documents and items of sentimental value out of the house to a safe place first.

Then you can decide whether it's best to just have a friend round to help you pack or if you need to let the police know in case he gets nasty.

It's really common for people like him to threaten suicide. Offer to call and ambulance or let his GP know if he starts with that. You cannot be made responsible for his decisions.

You don't owe him any explanation. Just not wanting to be in the relationship any more is a good enough reason to leave. Any discussion beyond that just gives him a way to play on your guilt.

You owe him nothing and you have nothing to feel guilty about. He has been using you, while abusing you, and your first priority must be yourself. You should never remain in a relationship in which you are unhappy just because someone makes it hard for you to leave.

If he loved you, he wouldn't want to force you to stay.

Be ready for threats of violence against you and your family. Telll him you will involve the police if he uses that tactic.

If you put the basics of a plan on here, I'm sure people will make suggestions of things you've forgotten, like changing passwords on internet banking. Just make very sure he can't access your MN account first.

You are definitely doing the right thing. Good luck

Thank you all for support. It does definitely makes me feel better.

I'm thinking to get important documents and any other small valuables to the office this week. I won't pack my bag just yet but will pre-set most important clothing to get me through the week so when it comes to Saturday after the chat I can just open the luggage and be done in 10min. Will pre-map during the week what needs to go with me. Then I can just quickly grab my things, get into a car and drive to friend's place. The rest can be dealt with later.

I told my friend of the plan.

The biggest worry is how not to chicken out when talking to him, how to stay cool and not to give in to his manipulative tactics. I'm struggling to get my head around this. I've still got time to set my mind but I might crack.

I don't want to leave without telling anything.

I don't want to leave without telling anything.

"I'm leaving. You shagged prostitutes, you're emotionally abusive and you drink too much. Bye".

That should do it.

Whilst it’s all very honourable wanting to speak to him directly and openly, I’m afraid you offered that before and he manipulated you stay.
IMO he lost any requirement for you to be fair when he was sleeping with sex workers. Was he fair and open with you then?

Just go OP
You don’t owe him anymore

Get your stuff ASAP and go.
You can call one of his friends or family members if you are worried about his mental state and ask them to go and be with him.

If you're sorted with somewhere to go.
Write him a "Dear John" letter.
Go.

You really don't have to have "the chat". You've had it already, for one thing, and he doesn't want to listen, for another.

Does he go out?
If so pack while he is gone.
Do not try to do it when he is there.
Or go for a meal and ask your friend to pack your clothing while gone, then tell him at the end of the meal that it is over.

Will he really let you leave with a packed suitcase?

I don’t think that’s a great plan sorry.

I think you need to have at least one friend with you when you're telling him you're going and packing up. He doesn't sound the sort to take it well, and his reaction last time is telling.

Definitely go as soon as you can, he sounds awful. Take everything in one go, don't go back or look back.

I would move your stuff out first, and then if you really want to, have the conversation with him. I dont think it should be a conversation though, more of you having a rant at him. “When you put me at risk of all sorts of STDs I was done. That is not what good loving people do, I’m out.” And I hope to god you have had an STD check and are no longer intimate with him.

I wouldn't do that.

He sounds like he is in the edge and that is dangerous.

Does he leave the house at any point in the week for a solid set of hours?

I would take that opportunity to take ALL my belongings and leave a letter.
I wouldn't give him the option to verbally abuse me face to face.

Echo the PP about having a friend there or your brother if you have one.

Even if they’re outside in a car for the Dear John bit, they can come up to help you pack and move out. It’ll make him less likely to try the manipulative angle and make you more likely to resist it if he does.

I wouldn't do that , I would just leave. Tell him over the phone if you want.

Or at least have people there with you when you tell him so it can happen without much fuss.

Please don’t put off leaving until after Xmas, I would go soon before his money runs out or he asks you for more financial contributions towards the bills.

My plan would be get important docs/stuff out and keep these things at work if you can. Can you look for another place to live a room in a shared house would be ok to start with and take stuff you don’t want to lose there and redirect your post there. Then, when you know he’s going to be out arrange for friend/friends to come over and quickly sling bin bags of the rest of your stuff into a car. Don’t leave your stuff in bin bags at his place as he will throw them out in spite “I thought it was rubbish”.

Good luck!

I had an ex many years ago who had a psychotic episode and I felt guilty that I had to stay friends with him and listen to his problems as he had driven away a lot of people with his behaviour. Then one day he turned really nasty and that was the end for me. You have to put the past behind you and move on for your sake, you can’t prop him up any more. If he chooses to squander his cash on prostitutes and drinking (it was gambling in my ex’s case - he would “borrow” money and get upset when people asked for it back) then it’s his look out.

You're essentially subsidising his mortgage and alcohol abuse while he sits on his arse. And what do you get in return? Someone who emotionally abuses you and fucks hookers????

Here are the facts:

*He has betrayed your trust and compromised your health by cheating with prostitutes

*He financially and emotionally abuses you

*He abuses alcohol (you are also subsidising this)

*You don't have the same long term goals, and moreover why the fuck would you want children with a loser like this

Don't have any more "chats", pack up your stuff and leave, you're not his mother and you owe him nothing.

You should NEVER give someone this much power in a relationship, by all means if this is what you want for the rest of your life then crack on but it will never change.

In the kindest way possible grow a spine.

OP it sounds like he is guilting you into staying with him. Emotional abuse can really mess with your head. If you truly want to leave, then your plans sound good.

I understand the need to have that final conversation with him, and if you do this face to face, then I suggest you think it through carefully. As suggested, have someone there with you, or at least waiting outside. Above all, do not let him control the conversation. This is your decision. If he tries playing on your emotions you must stand firm. If there is any mention of suicide then give him the Samaritans phone number. He is not your responsibility. Also explain to him that you want no further contact after this final discussion and block from all media.

I know it sounds tough, but this is self preservation. I hope you will be in a much better place by Christmas.

unfaithful with prostitutes
And you still allow him to touch you???
Fuck that OP.
He's vile.
Did you get STD checked?
I bloody hope so.

You have a plan in place so keep to it.
Tell everyone you can about This lying, cheating, abusive arse.
That will help you keep your resolve.
You owe him NOTHING OP!
You know that right?
He's treated you like shit.
He will treat all women like shit.

Do not pre-warn him.
Please don't.
You know he will talk you round and part of you wants that.
So don't allow it to happen.
Plan and leave. Write him a note and get gone so he can't stop you or manipulate you.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Once you are out - BLOCK, IGNORE AND DELETE.

He will try his best to 'hoover' you back in.
I fear this will take you a few more attempts as you don't sound quite ready yet.
He should absolutely repulse you with his behaviour and what he has done. But he doesn't yet.
I wish you well and remember, if you don't get out, it does take 7+ times to leave an abuser and everyone will be here the next time you want to leave.
BUT MAKE THIS ONE COUNT - PLEASE!

Fair comment about growing some spine. And even more fair about me not being fully ready for it just yet. If you asked me the same question few months ago I would have even not considered it as an option.

I still have time till Sat to set my mind in the right way and just get it done and over with. I hope it's not going to end up just being a failed attempt

Your best way to ensure it's not a failed attempt is to get a friend over to help you move out. Have you told anyone in real life what your relationship is like?