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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

192 replies

MiamiBeach104 · 20/10/2019 08:22

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/10/2019 22:58
  • just tell things quickly,

It wont be quick..he will weedle and whine or yes he might say just go then but you will then wobble

_ grab my bag and go.

With him there begging you to stay ?

_ We can talk later on.

No
No talking.
Go to your friend. Leave a note
.
Dont answer phone e or emails.
If you need to then tell yourself two weeks before you need to areange friend to contact to get stuff back or other practicalities.

You have no financial ties no kids nothing

andrea11745 · 23/10/2019 05:06

This reply has been deleted

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MoviesT · 23/10/2019 07:25

If you can't face it, you aren't obliged to tell him to his face. The only person who designs your exit is you. Write a letter and take your stuff when he is out. Take as much as you can and leave the letter. Offer to speak by phone later if you feel up to it. This is your life and if he has been unfaithful, you don't owe him a great deal of consideration.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 23/10/2019 08:09

I'll try not to overcomplicate things.

By Friday I'll have most crucial things in the office. So if he doesn't let me pack anything- not a problem. Saturday morning before he awakes I'll put some stuff in the car (it's my car that we both use).

Tell things quick and then get in a car and drive to friend's place and get into the office to pick up things so I'm ready for a week at work.

Just need to preset my mindset right and I'll be alright. In the worst case if things turn violent I'll call police

OP posts:
Musti · 23/10/2019 08:15

Hi lovely. You owe that cheating arsehole absolutely nothing. Take your stuff and leave. He thinks absolutely nothing of you to have treated you like that. Luckily no kids or mortgage together so it is literally just pack your bags and go.

Epona1 · 23/10/2019 10:41

You asked how to leave and you’ve been given great advise yet you choose to ignore it and create this drama about leaving and having to tell him to his face.

You don’t owe him anything, certainly not an explanation to his face. Just pack your stuff whilst he’s at work and go, end of!! No need for all these dramatics especially when you know he is able to wheedle you around to saying.

Are you secretly hoping he’s going to declare undying love for you, beg you to stay and all that, everything will be hunky dory and smelling of roses?

Just go

nedflandereses · 23/10/2019 12:01

Why not just drive off while he's asleep? What's the point of telling him quick? I think you should be more concerned about his reaction and keeping yourself safe than giving him any explanations.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 23/10/2019 13:16

I just can't make myself do it without telling him anything. I still love him and care about him. I know we have no future together but I don't think leaving without saying anything is acceptable for me at this point

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2019 13:21

Could you write him a letter instead op? That would give you a chance to say all you need to say, for closure.

Because you'll never get closure from him. And no matter what you say to him, he'll always make it seem like you have no right to leave him. Not to mention, it puts you in harms way.

Leave a letter, and take a photo of it and text him it once you are gone too so that he can't say he didn't get it.

OttomanUmpire · 23/10/2019 13:32

I would not stay a single moment sharing the same space once you’ve told him. It will be too difficult, too confusing, too wrenching and exhausting, and you’ll be in danger of being talked round. Get somewhere else sorted, arrange a neutral place to deliver the news and rip off the plaster in a matter of fact, unemotional way. Be kind but firm. Then don’t engage any further until the dust has settled (if at all - that’s up to you) - if necessary just repeat a single clear message - I’m sorry but it’s over and my decision is completely final - or whatever you think is appropriate. Good luck. You can totally do it and he WILL be fine. Sending strength and solidarity!

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 24/10/2019 18:18

I've been reading all your comments multiple times. Thanks for the amount of support.

Feeling good and determined to go through with my decision.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 24/10/2019 18:31

Having RTWT I'm not sure that you actually intend to leave this useless bloke. You come across as very indecisive.

SouthernComforts · 24/10/2019 18:47

I agree Prawn, this sounds a bit like a game. You want to make a big show of telling him you're leaving to get a reaction from him, then you'll feel like he loves and needs you and you'll stay. If you meant it you'd just leave.

Poppinjay · 25/10/2019 11:39

I don't think it's fair to accuse the OP of wanting to be persuaded to stay.

There are elements of coercive control that make it very hard to suddenly dismiss the abusers needs and feelings completely and not care whether you're doing right by them.

The OP needs support, not criticism based on conjecture.

pemberlyshades · 25/10/2019 15:29

Good luck today @MiamiBeach104

fuzzymoon · 25/10/2019 19:11

Just keep the thought - do I want to be here in 5, 10, 20 years time.
Keep strong.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 22:35

you okay OP? did you have the talk ?

underthebridgedowntown · 25/10/2019 23:02

There are people on this thread who don't understand abusive relationships - they are so hard to leave when you're in the thick of it all.

Good luck @MiamiBeach104 - you can do this, you know life will be better without him. Be brave - you've already dealt with so much, you can deal with this too. Rooting for you Smile

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 26/10/2019 13:20

I've done it!! I'm out. It feels good

Not sure if the bad emotions will hit me or I'm just running on adrenaline now but I have my car, and fee belongings and I feel pretty happy

OP posts:
category12 · 26/10/2019 13:27

Well done OP Flowers.

Poppinjay · 26/10/2019 13:28

WOOHOO!!!

Well done Miami Grin

You need to stand strong now. Don't communicate with him so he has no opportunity to try to break your resolve.

AngelsSins · 26/10/2019 14:19

Well done!!! Brace yourself for the barrage of texts and pleading calls from him, remember how badly he has treated you, and know that you owe him absolutely nothing. He’s not your friend, he doesn’t want the best for you, he doesn’t care about what he’s put you through. You need to do what’s best for you now, you’ve done the hard bit, don’t be tempted to let yourself down later.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/10/2019 14:29

Good stuff OP.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/10/2019 14:42

I'm really glad to hear it, Miami. Now either block him or brace yourself for a lot of electronic shit. Sounds like he's unlikely to let you go quietly.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 26/10/2019 14:56

Nothing from him yet, but it has only been few hours. He's going out tonight so likely some abuse is going to come tonight through texts when he's drunk.

The thing is I left most of my belongings there. I have only 3backpacks with me. I've took the most important things and clothing to the office but everything else is still with him.

Not sure how to play the game to get my stuff back. I've left the keys as he's instructed. So no way to sneak it out (plus alarm system would indicate in no time I'm entering the property)

In the worst case I'll just have to get on with what I've got and buy new things. Which is not that bad in the scale of things.

Thanks for all the support, it helped me to get through this xxx

OP posts: