Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

[MiamiBeach104]

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

He doesn't need to respond to you. You're not his girlfriend anymore. You don't need to worry about him. He is not your boyfriend anymore.

It sounds like you are trying to keep a conversation going because you aren't sure you made the right the decision in leaving.

You did make the right decision. Stick to it and don't send him any more messages.

Don't go back -- it will only get worse

Well done! You thought it was going to be too hard, but you did it. Be proud of yourself. And take care of yourself now. You don't have to worry about him anymore or do anything for him ever again. Tbh, I'd just abandon all the stuff at his place. By yourself some lovely new things that are just for you in your new free life.

Wow that’s great that you have left. Amazing achievement - feel proud, strong and determined.

He is so vile. List out all of his vile abusive behaviours and keep a long list to look at for any moment that you have a split second of pity for him.

Expect him to stalk and harass you - on SM, at your friends, at work, at your hobbies / gym etc. Park your car somewhere else - rather than outside your friends. Tell your friends and family and workplace so that they can be protective Call the police immediately if he bothers you - he could v well be v dangerous.

Block him on everything. Do not meet up with him. He will try to manipulate you or get revenge.

Well done - please get some therapy to understand why your self esteem is so low.

But today celebrate.

You are an incredible inspirational woman to many on here who are in similar circumstances.

Him not responding to your email is way of drawing you back in.
Please don't go back. It'll get worse.

I echo @fuzzymoon

Do not keep contacting him. You will end up back there in a worse situation.

100% don’t initiate or engage in any contact and yes the silence is control - drop the rope. He does not deserve any explanations, apologies, good wishes from you. You need to see him as someone you will never see again. I would be tempted to leave your stuff if possible - or as others have said - a single business like request to collect it and 100% go with a friend. If he ignores or gets into obstructive dialogue then get the police to accompany you.

It's a week since I left... He was asking me to come back and said he'll change as expected. I think on one of the nights he got really drunk and started texting me and his therapist. It was at 6:30 I received a call from her asking if he was ok... Such a stressful morning.. I'm under lots of pressure at work having to deliver some work..

Anyway, he ended up texting he wants to end his life. I called the police to his address. They called me back saying he appears to be fine. I asked them if they could enter the property which he obviously refused. Haven't heard from him since.

Obviously all my things are with him still. I would like to keep friendly relationship but I'm not sure how. Not sure if I should email him or give another week. I might start writing things and leave without sending just to let it set.

Haven't started looking for my own place yet but hoping over the weekend at least to decide on the location.

It's nice and calm at friends' place. It feels like I'm on vacation.

The other night I was nearly asleep and they accidentally banged the door to their bedroom or bathroom. I got into fear thinking that oh no, my partner is drunk trying to do something.. It was good to realise that I'm not with him anymore. I guess that summarises the situation well.

Don't e mail him. Just leave it. Have you got any friends in common, particularly male friends, who might come with you in a few weeks to collect the rest of your stuff? Once you have got all your belongings you will be free to never contact him ever again.

I do care about him and feel guilty I left without proper explanation (not that he doesn't know the reasons himself)

But overall i'm so relaxed and happy.. regardless i get my things back or not. I feel like I'm on holiday now..

Well done you ❤️ have you got any friends in common that could pick up your belongings - please don't go yourself

To be perfectly honest, I haven't thought about it yet. I don't think I'm ready to do it yet.

I think you should send a friend or relative to collect your things fairly quickly if you can’t face it. Leaving your stuff behind may make hIm think that you will go back. There is also a possibility of him getting angry and damaging or destroying your property.

Wow he followed the abusers script to the letter - the wailing texts, the promises to change, the manipulative suicide threats,.......but well done you - you were well informed and ready for this.....calling the police is exactly right and will have called his bluff.

You need to work on phase 2 now - total detach and moving on. What do you need for this - blocking him on everything? Getting your stuff back? Finding somewhere to live? Counselling? Building up your social life?

What you feel for him is not love - it’s a trauma bond (look that up) - love is v simple it’s mutual actions of kindness and respect.

He has not shown you these. You will be quite vulnerable once the excitement of plotting to get out and the amateur dramatics of the first week have settled. You will be looking to see where he is, how he feels and you could be very easily manipulated (as happened before) into engaging with him, meeting up with him and finally going back to him.
Do you feel able to totally cut him off?

Bit of pop psych here - you're not ready to pick up your stuff or look properly for a place of your own yet, because you still have one foot back in the door with him. And that's also why you think you need to "explain" more despite saying yourself he knows your reasons.

It's hard to cut ties and it's good you've got this far, but don't drag it out - it's cruel to give him false hope you'll go back, and you know you need to do this, don't you? You feel better. Cut the rope.

I don't want to leave without telling anything.

Here's an idea for a note;

"You are a prostitute using, disrespectful, immoral, no integrity, manipulative freeloading, piss-taking cheater with alcohol issues I cannot believe I stayed after I found out you'd been fucking prostitutes, betraying me and risking my health. There is something wrong with your head, get some help.

Goodbye and good luck".

Meanwhile you should also get some counselling and do some reading to help you figure out why you stated with a man like this.

*stayed with

I do care about him and feel guilty I left without proper explanation (not that he doesn't know the reasons himself)

Sorry I posted before I realised you'd left - but you still think you owe him explanations, your time etc.?!??!!!!

Are you serious?

He has behaved in such a way to you that you owe him absolutely nothing.

Have you been raised by a narcissist parent or something?

You don't owe that man a whiff of your last fart FFS.

his therapist. It was at 6:30 I received a call from her

Inform the therapist that you have left the abusive relationship with him and are no longer his partner. Tell her to get an alternative backup/contact for him (close relative or whoever) for "emergencies" and to remove you from his details.

Can you change your number or block his?

Get any stuff you can't do without asap as well.

You really should get some counselling and tell all family and friends to get support through this. Also your family & friends should know do that he can't try to get to you through them.

@Innishh I do find myself already thinking how is he doing and if he's alright. On Friday had to work from home so found myself really upset but then managed to calm down. But about 2 hrs in the morning with the friends at work I found it hard not to keep my head straight.

I agree on cutting the rope. Let him and myself free.

I got myself into some sort of angel guardian mode while with him. Always put myself aside just to ensure he was happy and ok.

As all these things it's coming from my childhood. Dad was heavy drinker and mum wasn't that much psychologically stable. I put myself in a position where i would talk to dad being absolutely smashed to to ensure he was calm and would go to bed so mum wouldn't see him and wouldn't start shouting.

Again, i don't blame my parents. They did their best given the circumstances but i have to live with the affect it had on me.

I would like to keep friendly relationship but I'm not sure how

You can't, wise up.

Nor should you want to be friends with someone who's treated you so badly and who has such issues. They could never be a good friend.

Appreciate any good that came from the relationship, learn the lessons you need to learn from it, wish him the best in your head (not that he deserves it) and move on.

*I got myself into some sort of angel guardian mode while with him. Always put myself aside just to ensure he was happy and ok.

As all these things it's coming from my childhood. Dad was heavy drinker and mum wasn't that much psychologically stable. I put myself in a position where i would talk to dad being absolutely smashed to to ensure he was calm and would go to bed so mum wouldn't see him and wouldn't start shouting.

Again, i don't blame my parents. They did their best given the circumstances but i have to live with the affect it had on me.*

You really really should get some counselling.

That sounds incredibly unfair.

But in addition to being unfair on you and dysfunctional, they've set you up for this martyr, fixer, peace maker, self sacrificing role with no proper boundaries and standards - that led you to stay with this prostitute user and drinker .....

You sound self aware and like you're starting to common and look after yourself .. please continue on that road and get some help if you need it. There's a lot of good stuff in print and online as well.

*starting to cop on

You've done so well but please now get some councilling to help unpick some stuff.
Daughter of an alcoholic choose alcoholic partner .
These are patterns we learn - people pleasers with no boundaries.
Good luck!