Need to leave my boyfriend - how?

[MiamiBeach104]

I've been struggling with this for a year now. Actively thinking last few months..

I'm with my partner for nearly 5 years. No kids, mortgage and I am financially independent from him. There are a number of very strong reasons why I should leave him: unfaithful with prostitutes, drinking too much, can be emotionally abusive, not wanting kids. Even all that sounds pretty horrible he can be very nice and loving when things are good.

Where I find myself now is that I really need to end this relationship. However, I don't know how. I tried having a conversation with him a week ago now. He started being very emotional and I ended up promising we can work on this. I don't know if he simply emotionally bullies me into things. (He's currently not employed, by his own choice wanting to concentrate on his mental health, so having me contributing to bills is very much convenient)

I'm partially thinking I need to wait till after Christmas so he doesn't need to spend Christmas on his own. (He's distanced himself from his family but has few friends, not many.)

The bottom line is, I don't need to wait for Christmas as it just prolongs the inevitable. However, how do I make it happen? I don't want to chicken out and get into giving yet it yet another go again? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty about it?

I'm thinking during the next week start doing little preparation by collecting my crucial documents, preparing a bag (not packing up yet but putting things together) so that it can get me though the working week and spend this time at friend's place. And simply start from there.

Has anyone been in similar situation? How to get rid of the guilt? (I think pretty much all the time in a relationship i concentrated on how he feels compared to me so partially that's where the guilt is coming from) How to ensure I actually do it? And not give in to his emotional abuse that I'm pretty sure will start immediately?

The full story, I mean?

when it comes to Saturday after the chat I can just open the luggage and be done in 10min

Fuck having a chat about it. Don't tell him a thing. Just leave. Leave a note if you wish to tell him it's over and never to contact you again? He may well get violent if you start to pack in front of him. He may physically block your exit. Don't give him that opportunity. Don't give him the opportunity to turn on the waterworks or make you feel guilty. Leave when he's out, leave your keys and run like the bloody wind.

Pack and go next time he is out.
Don't give him an opportunity to try to guilt you into staying. And certainly don't do it gradually, his kind have a sixth sense for when we are backing away and will freak the f out n double down on their manipulations.

Oh OP come on now these chats are just you repeatedly trying to issue a wake up call, and have false reassurance that it will all change.

He uses you financially and sleeps with prostitutes, Jesus put more value on yourself and leave before you catch something.

I'm not trying to be cruel but you need to give your head a massive wobble. There is literally nothing to chat about. Leave when he's out and leave a letter if you must.

Si when you chatted about him and prostitutes what happened?
Nothing he persuaded you it was nothing to worry about bla bla
What do you thin k a chat will do?
Allow him to cry or whine or tell you you are mad and no one will ever love you be cause you are crazy etc etc.or he is the only one who cares and loves you. He will mess with your head.

Just go.
Lesve a note if you must.
Do not chat !
There is nothing to say!

Could you put into words on here what you think might make you stay? What could he say that was enough to prevent you from going through with it?

He will promise you the moon on a stick.

He will tell you that you're causing him unbearable pain.

He will tell you that you won't find anyone else.

He will threaten to harm himself or you if you leave.

Think through each of these and answer for yourself, right now, why it is a not a reason to stay.

There will be others. Work out your response now.

Also ask yourself why you need to give yourself the opportunity to be persuaded to give him another chance.

Say everything to yourself out loud.

He’s not your problem anymore. You only get one life, stop wasting it. Get out now and don’t let him change your mind or you’ll be back on here in a months time crying about how he’s just the same. You’re lucky, you’ve got no real ties to him and you’re financially independent. There’s nothing stopping you. Please put yourself first.

Don't tell him before you've packed and moved your stuff, and without someone there with you. At best he'll talk you into giving it one more go, at worst he could get nasty.

I agree with, leave a letter if you must, but don't have the chat. You don't owe him that. Where was his loyalty to you when he was on you cheating with prostitutes?

Get all your stuff out at once so you never have to go back and deal with him.

Just get out. Every second you spend with that loser is time you will never get back!

You are trying to be reasonable. You want to explain so he will understand.
He is not going to agree with you. He will beg, plead, bully and threaten.
Don't give yourself that memory, The next time you are alone, pack everything, leave a note and keys, walk out and keep going.

So he was planning a chat with you when he was balls deep in prostitutes ?

Next time he is out getting pissed just leave and never look back. Stop making excuses. He is no longer fucking your life up...you are doing a good job of that yourself.

I wouldn't bother giving him notice or having a chat. It'll just allow him time to work on you. Just pack and go.

No wonder he cries if you talk about leaving - how can he finance his house, his drinking and his prostitute habits if you go?
Seriously take a few things a day important documents and basic clothing items and any thing else portable and go to work on Friday and don’t go back. Leave him a letter or text saying it’s over, block him and don’t entertain his guilt trips.
Don’t sit down tell him and then pack to go as he will find a away to stop you.

Don't tell him anything. He doesn't actually care what you have to say. He will not let you go easily.
Why do you care more about his feelings and comfort than your own?
Pack your stuff and leave. He'll know why.

This morning I'm taking my most important documents to work. It feels good and I can finally say I think I'm going to make it.

There is no way I can pack my all belongings but I can prepare a bag and take it without him noticing it. This bag will take me through next week. In terms of my other belongings - I'll have to take them somehow at some point but it's good enough for now. In the worst case even if I lose them it's not the end of the word.

As you might suspect I still want to talk to him but maybe just tell things quickly, grab my bag and go. We can talk later on. Otherwise he will find ways to trick me into staying.

A friend has bedroom for me prepared already and knows exactly what's going on. Yeah, I think I can do this!

Op Why do you not want to do what people are suggesting?

And what’s with all the talking? That’s where you will have the problem and you will be back where you were.

Do you want him to talk you round? Some part of you wanting him to say it'll be OK, he loves you, he'll change, it'll never happen again?

I would have your friend at the house when you are leaving. He will hopefully be less manipulative in front of your friend. If needs be, you can tell him you need some space and will be going to stay with your friend for a while. That way you have more chance of him letting you go. You don’t need to go back after that but it might help to make it out of there. It will also give him time to process things without the finality of I am leaving you forever. Good luck.

Nah, he will not change. I had him telling me this few times. A couple of years back I've left him twice and came back (I didn't know about prostitutes back then). And why I came back? Because he knows how to talk and I felt really sorry for him. All my relationship with him was putting him first and worrying about his needs. Oh, poor guy had 2 bottles of wine and cider and staying up till 3 am in the morning coming into the bedroom and threatening me for no reason, because work is hard and he's depressed and he's working so hard. I wasn't thinking of my own needs. I was bloody silly blind and naive girl

OK. Will you feel sorry for him when he says all the same things this time (and more)?

So why the need to chat with him about leaving?

Break it down - what are you hoping to achieve? Realistically will you achieve that? What does a face to face confrontation give you that leaving a "Dear John" wouldn't? (at least with a dear John you can say everything without interruption ).

Good luck OP. As long as you leave it doesn’t really matter how you do it. Just do it though!!