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Original poster

How do you even begin to like/trust men

268 replies

EternallyUntrusting · 19/10/2019 20:53

I'm 36 years old. I can hand on my heart say I don't like men. There are some men I have respect for at work (they are good at their jobs), but I don't like men.

If you knew me in real life you would think the absolute opposite. I dress 'for the male gaze', I outgoing, chatty, flirty, very confident. But to a man, I cannot stand the fuckers.

Every significant man since I was a child has turned out to be an utter cunt. My father beat and abused my mother and us. My first husband (lovely man to all and sundry), cheated on me and left me with 3 small children. I was single for a long time then. Lots of therapy, very angry with men and therapy seemed to consist of 'they aren't all the same, you are seeking out these men, good men exist'. My male therapist then fucking messaged me when he was drunk!

I then met a lovely man. Kind, successful, no drug problem, no criminal record. Promised me the absolute earth, my DC fell in love with him, when our DD was 9 mths old he walked out the door and I haven't seen him since (4 years ago).

Since then i've pretty much gone off my rocker. I am aware of how i am acting. I've actively sought out men to prove my theory that given long enough, given enough opportunity and the promise of it never getting out every single one of those fuckers will cheat on their wives/girlfriends or at least cross a line they shouldn't be crossing.

And I hate them for it. Even today, stood at the train station sheltering from the rain, a man about 20 years older than me starts a conversation about the brexit vote. Perfectly pleasant 10 min conversation. Then asks me for a drink. You sure your wife won't mind? He was wearing a fucking wedding ring!!

The same on here thread after thread after thread of 'lovely family men' cheating, using women for wife work, hiding from putting their kids to bed and just nasty useless cocklodgers.

Am I going to hate men for the rest of my life? Even now I've tried to stop proving to myself what wankers they are they seem to go out of their way to prove it to me!

OP posts:
Perunatop · 21/10/2019 11:11

If you have sons then you have a problem.......

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2019 11:58

Do we actually need them for anything??
Unfortunately yes we do.
If we want to continue the human race.
But we only need their sperm.
We don't need them around.

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 12:01

Do you think that some mothers raise their boys to be misogynistic and this is why they are the way they are? I know this sounds sexist but so many women give men a pass for treating other women like shit and I then wonder if this is projected onto a woman when she has a son? I know so many mothers that think like “my laddie wouldn’t do that” when their boy is accused, and rightly so, of doing something wrong.

I once had a violent relationship and unbelievably his mother said that I “pushed his buttons”, yet the truth of the matter was he had grown up watching his mother being battered from his dad therefore he repeated what he saw, she stayed with his dad til he was 17 and by then, the damage has already been done.

Hester54 · 21/10/2019 12:07

When you think that most women tend to bring up the men of tomorrow. Does that suggest that we are getting something wrong?

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 12:08

No not at all but I wonder that’s all.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 12:10

Well if some boys are unfortunate enough to have some of these posters as mother's I'd imagine that they will grow up with a fuck tonne of issues.

Imagine growing up knowing your mum hates the very basis of who you are?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/10/2019 12:13

Well the threads on here started by women who work and also run around doing all the childcare, housework, shopping, cooking etc; while their partners sit around or run off to do their hobbies, and the OP says the man's mother did everything for them at home, would indicate it IS down to mothers of sons. The fathers, used to having a woman running around after them are not likely to intervene.

I was married in the 1970s - my (now ex for other reasons) husband and I shared chores. As did my LTR partner in the 1980s. So it's not a generational thing. It's an attitude thing. I have no experience of DV, but certainly now recognise I had an EA ( from his side) relationship with my last long term lover.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2019 12:16

When you think that most women tend to bring up the men of tomorrow. Does that suggest that we are getting something wrong?

Well don't they have fathers too....?

RantyAnty · 21/10/2019 12:19

I have no use for them anymore. I was like many, bamboozled by the happily ever after trope.

Their main concern is their dick and 2nd concern is power; bigging themselves up.

It's all good as long as they come first and you tow the line as a woman.

Rocaille · 21/10/2019 12:20

Yes, socialisation is a big issue, but this goes way deeper than that. My hunch is that men and women are a lot more different than the conventional wisdom will admit to.

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 12:20

I’m not keen on them but I’m not quite done with them yet, I feel I’ve got one more relationship in me.

The biggest issue I think men have is their ego.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 21/10/2019 12:42

Interesting thread, as a man I'm not sure if my input is valid but it sounds like OP is not interested in liking Men but I'll give my thoughts.

I don't think you need to like Men, they are half the population but My DP probably only likes 1% of the population and she definitely isn't a big fan of Men. She doesn't hate them but she is pretty untrusting of them.

If you don't want a relationship then I don't think you need to do anything, if you think that would be different if Men were different then it's not really about liking Men but about liking a Man. That is obviously less likely to happen whilst holding onto this hatred as we can all find something wrong with people we are getting to know whereas really it's best to have an open mind (if interested in finding a partner etc).

There are too many Men that give us all a bad name, I'm certainly not going to defend "Men" but I will say that if we ever start thinking people are bad based purely on some trait that they were born with then we're on a very slippery road. Had the thread title been "How do you ever begin to trust Muslims" for example the debate would have been far less supportive of the OP even if OP had only ever had bad experience of the religion.

Hester54 · 21/10/2019 13:14

JacquesHammer Most of the women on here that have issues with them, seem to bring up the children on their own

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2019 13:18

Most of the women on here that have issues with them, seem to bring up the children on their own

So basically you’re saying “women suck it up, it is of your own making”?

Nonsense

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 13:21

JacquesHammer

How would you feel if a single dad, raising daughters, was posting on here saying that he hated all women?

Would you think that he would do a good job raising his daughters feeling that way?

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2019 13:23

TequilaPilates

Show me the posts and I’ll respond to each on their merits.

Otherwise it’s tiresome whataboutery with no relevance to the OP’s post.

Hester54 · 21/10/2019 13:32

JacquesHammer Hi hats not what I’m saying, but who is bringing up the monsters?
Surly any woman would bring up her sons to show respect for women, most men usually cheat with cheating women,

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 13:36

JacquesHammer

Well there are multiple posts on here from women saying that all men are...and none of it is complimentary.

A lot of them state they have children. Some say they have a son.

So, if a man was raising daughters saying eg no women are trustworthy. They're all going to cheat on you at some point, would you think that he's going to cause issues to his daughters basically being raised in a home where hatred of their sex exists?

kettlecrisp67 · 21/10/2019 13:45

Stay single. Relationships are not compulsory.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2019 13:48

Hi hats not what I’m saying, but who is bringing up the monsters?
Surly any woman would bring up her sons to show respect for women, most men usually cheat with cheating women

Men have their own agency.

LexMitior · 21/10/2019 13:50

For what it’s worth it’s pretty common for mothers of sons to be utterly indulgent of them and really a lot less pleasant to their daughters. There are plenty of women who idealise their sons (often perhaps they feel let down by men) and really are blind to any suggestion their sons may have flaws like anyone else.

Hester54 · 21/10/2019 14:23

JacquesHammer Men have their own agency ?????

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 21/10/2019 14:31

It's a fair viewpoint. As a guy with a daughter and two stepdaughters I often wonder how I can help them spot abusive men or general losers that will drain them mentally and emotionally even outside of abuse.

And I draw a blank. I can scream "we're not all like that" as loud as I want but I've met enough cunning narcissistic men who would fool me at first that I couldn't begin to suggests how you spot one from the other, nor am I naive about the percentage of us that are bad eggs. NAMALT isn't much use when even the most careful watching for red flags is still a complete gamble.

Dissimilitude · 21/10/2019 14:54

What have those men ever done for us, eh?

"All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans men ever done for us?"

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 15:05

Dissimilitude

😂

I love that film

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