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Original poster

How do you even begin to like/trust men

268 replies

EternallyUntrusting · 19/10/2019 20:53

I'm 36 years old. I can hand on my heart say I don't like men. There are some men I have respect for at work (they are good at their jobs), but I don't like men.

If you knew me in real life you would think the absolute opposite. I dress 'for the male gaze', I outgoing, chatty, flirty, very confident. But to a man, I cannot stand the fuckers.

Every significant man since I was a child has turned out to be an utter cunt. My father beat and abused my mother and us. My first husband (lovely man to all and sundry), cheated on me and left me with 3 small children. I was single for a long time then. Lots of therapy, very angry with men and therapy seemed to consist of 'they aren't all the same, you are seeking out these men, good men exist'. My male therapist then fucking messaged me when he was drunk!

I then met a lovely man. Kind, successful, no drug problem, no criminal record. Promised me the absolute earth, my DC fell in love with him, when our DD was 9 mths old he walked out the door and I haven't seen him since (4 years ago).

Since then i've pretty much gone off my rocker. I am aware of how i am acting. I've actively sought out men to prove my theory that given long enough, given enough opportunity and the promise of it never getting out every single one of those fuckers will cheat on their wives/girlfriends or at least cross a line they shouldn't be crossing.

And I hate them for it. Even today, stood at the train station sheltering from the rain, a man about 20 years older than me starts a conversation about the brexit vote. Perfectly pleasant 10 min conversation. Then asks me for a drink. You sure your wife won't mind? He was wearing a fucking wedding ring!!

The same on here thread after thread after thread of 'lovely family men' cheating, using women for wife work, hiding from putting their kids to bed and just nasty useless cocklodgers.

Am I going to hate men for the rest of my life? Even now I've tried to stop proving to myself what wankers they are they seem to go out of their way to prove it to me!

OP posts:
HotSince82 · 19/10/2019 22:13

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JulieRat · 19/10/2019 22:19

I think it is largely socialisation, not that all those men are inherently bad. Agree with Upfield, it's everything we're all brought up to internalise about what women are for and how they should be, and that they should serve men and run families - even though few people openly say that, it's there in endless adverts, stigma on woman who don't put their family first (though it's fine for men not to), and the way we're socialised to think love and finding a relationship is the great aim, but when that happens, men generally gain and women lose out - on their free time, energy, career opportunities and often more.

Men absorb the idea that they can carry on acting however they like and women will carry the can - and so do women. I think women also buy into the idea of romantic love and can't believe a man they've fallen in love with and married would really treat them like shit so it's very hard to accept it and act on it when they do.

Asta19 · 19/10/2019 22:21

I hear you OP. 3 years ago I went through a horrendous break up from an abusive, controlling H. A few months later I decided to put myself back out there and was raped by my date (and although I reported it, unsurprisingly he got away with it). Since then, I am done. I have been used and abused by too many men in my life and will never trust one again. Sometimes I will be on the train or whatever, see a man looking at me and I just want to punch him in the face! If one more man screwed me over in some way I genuinely think it could push me over the edge and I could do serious damage to him! So for my sake, and theirs, I am steering well clear from now on.

FlamboyantBaroque · 19/10/2019 22:22

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. My first love cheated on me and broke my heart (he was a lovely guy as far as everyone was concerned), I was later raped by a long term boyfriend who was a great bloke, my husband of 30+ years is also a great bloke who I've caught with another woman's phone number in his pocket (pre-mobile phones), snogging a friend of ours at a party years ago, and more recently on a local hook-up app (he has no clue how it got on his phone). I'm too old now to start again and I have a very good lifestyle which I won't sacrifice, so I now treat him as a house mate and we get on fine. I don't know and don't care if and where he is getting sex. And yet he declares he loves me.

I've also had more than my fair share of married men show an interest or proposition me over the years. They are all dogs, even my beloved brother cheated on his wife, oh and my father cheated on my mother when we were young children.

Anyone woman who thinks her partner wouldn't cheat is sadly deluded.

user764329056 · 19/10/2019 22:26

Am with you OP

lazylinguist · 19/10/2019 22:31

There are undoubtedly lots of bad husbands, partners, boyfriends out there. But tbh I'm only really aware of the scale of that problem from reading MN, I haven't met that many awful men myself, have never had a relationship with one and am married to a man who I don't believe would cheat. Expecting a man not to cheat purely because you're sure he loves you so much is deluded imo. What stops men (and indeed women) from cheating is their character and moral code.

misspiggy19 · 19/10/2019 22:31

What a depressing thread. Just because you’ve attracted shit men doesn’t mean all men are the same.

morrisseysquif · 19/10/2019 22:32

I feel the same, every man in my life has treated me appallingly, I include in that my dad, my 3 brothers and every relationship I have had. One brother used to be nice but even he has let me down.

I'm hearing friends whose marriages have broken down 3 in the last six months, all the men's behaviour.

I have two daughters and hope they don't have a clue how I feel.

Actually, just remembered one nice man, my cousin. But that is it.

MotherofTerriers · 19/10/2019 22:33

I hear you. Ive been married twice, both arseholes. I can believe namalt but I’m clearly not good at picking decent ones and I’m too old to start again now.

Bourbonbiccy · 19/10/2019 22:37

You sound like you have had your fill of bad men and it's perfectly reasonable for you to have lost any faith that there are such things as good men....I can assure you..there are.

I think starting a relationship with the I hate men attitude probably isn't going to give any relationship a fair crack of the whip.

If you do hate men, why would seek to have a relationship with one ? You don't need a man to be happy.

VondaVomin · 19/10/2019 22:49

I hear you OP. Sadly I had to learn though bitter experience that all the lovely husbands and fathers around me are cheats and prostitute users in some cases and entitled wankers in all cases once you look behind the facade. I simply don't buy NAMALT.

Incidentally, I know only one woman who cheated and she used it as an escape from an abusive marriage.

I have no interest in looking for any sort of connection with men again.

Original poster
EternallyUntrusting · 19/10/2019 22:51

I don't want a relationship with one! Not at all!!

It would be nice to not fucking hate them though. They are just so bloody stupid, I've seen men, powerful men, intelligent men, men with lovely wives and kids risk it all because someone turns on the charm for ten minutes.

I just feel so angry with them!!

OP posts:
pennyhasdropped · 19/10/2019 22:56

@EternallyUntrusting totally get this..! 🙌 I'm with you 💯

LoueyLou · 19/10/2019 23:02

I hear you OP.
Despite not having any significant trauma, I feel since my 40’s my eyes are open to the inherent selfishness of most men.
But while I don’t feel angry or contemptuous of men, I’m largely indifferent to them, and it’s blissful compared to the neediness I had throughout my twenties.
As I’ve grown older the things I want are different, I want freedom, I have no interest in ‘looking after’ someone, and I don’t want to compromise.
I read here once that relationships promise a fairytale and deliver drudgery for women, and that’s a fair statement for a lot of us.

Cahu58 · 19/10/2019 23:07

SAME!

MsPepperPotts · 19/10/2019 23:07

I agree with you OP....I thought it was just me who thought like you.

I was always optimistic in my younger years that I would meet a nice man, but I never actually met a single one. All were inherently selfish, blamed everyone else for their behaviour. Threw their toys out the pram if they didn't get all their own way. Were happy to cheat and lie.
Most of them seemed to be looking for a housekeeper or surrogate mother.

I would never ever get involved with another man(only had a handful of relationships) and I am more than happy with my decision...I wished I had mad that decision many years ago because I would have saved myself a lot of unnecessary grief, hassle, etc and should have put myself first instead of wasting time and energy on self centred arseholes.

I love being on my own and love my quiet boring home life with no extreme stress of any kind.

fantasmasgoria1 · 19/10/2019 23:08

First husband was abusive in every imaginable way possible, second one an alcoholic who turned out to be psychologically, physically abusive and just plain nasty, did even come to visit me after my back operation. I hoped that my next partner /relationship would be less abusive because I felt like I was just destined to be abused. Now I am engaged to an absolutely amazing man, loving, caring, kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, understanding, funny and just generally brilliant. I love him so much. I knew that not all men are abusive but I didn't think I would get a lovely one

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/10/2019 23:09

Are any of your DC male, OP?

How do you think they will turn out? Will they be cheaters and liars or will they turn out to be mostly decent, maybe a bit too keen on being flirted with or not strong enough to turn away from female attention?

I don't think ALL men are shits, but I don't really trust them. Yet I've turned out two sons who seem, thus far, to be reasonable examples of the sex.

MiniTheMinx · 19/10/2019 23:11

I've never had any issues. I have a great husband, my father's ok, two fab teenage sons, and a step son who is lovely. I've had male managers who have been great and I'm still on speaking terms with most of my ex bfs. On the other hand I've been bullied and gossipped about plenty by women. I don't though dislike or hate all women.

I'm sorry that you have experienced such abusive relationships with men. But to hate all men seems irrational. There are some good men. You haven't met all men. There are some bad women. Your experience and mine both have their roots in the unequal distribution of power in a system that subjugates women. Women seem to compete against each other in order to gain the approval or acceptance of the more powerful class. This plays out in work and social situations. I have several female friends some I'm very close to, but my trust in them is far less than the trust I have in my close male family members and my husband.

pallasathena · 19/10/2019 23:14

I think men generally have stopped evolving whereas women generally are still very much a part of the evolutionary game.
I'm with you OP.
I find men tedious, entitled, predictable and basically.....boring! And I'm married to a decent enough specimen.

Sally2791 · 19/10/2019 23:26

Depressing but true OP. I think 99% will cheat given the chance. Observing other people I see men who are considered wonderful by their wives but I know what they are capable of. For myself I have shit boundaries and no idea what is right or wrong in a relationship. My father and exH were abusive and controlling and despite counselling I feel safer alone. I would love to have a kind faithful loving partner but not sure I would ever believe in it

Love51 · 19/10/2019 23:27

pallasathena I don't understand? We are the same species so evolve together.
I don't trust men, as a class.
I do trust the individual one I married.
In my work I've recently had more and more dealings with women who have been seriously abused. Even among decent men I see that they are somehow given permission by society to be more selfish than women are. Women do the martyr thing because we raise others needs as equal to our own. Women's intuition had been researched as more accurately being subordinate's intuition.
I don't have your back story of oppression, but I'm starting to lose faith in people, men in particular.

Chicklateorange · 19/10/2019 23:34

I think as you get older you open your eyes to how society really works for a woman.

When younger I would have told you I was a mans woman, now I would say I back women all the way.

It’s awful but when women say they have a lovely husband I think hmmm was that the one of the ones that cracked onto me last week!? Sooo many have, friends husbands and at work.

joystir59 · 19/10/2019 23:35

YANBU and I'm very glad I'm a lesbian.

nomoreclue · 19/10/2019 23:42

I’m with you OP. I get on with men as mates but I honestly can’t stand the fuckers on a deep level. All of them think they own the fucking world, want their own way and act like utter turds if they are/aren’t getting enough sex. One male friend of mine keeps trying to show me his dick behind his wife’s back. Pathetic. I wouldn’t shag him if somebody offered me 10 million quid. I’d laugh in their face and tell them to shove it up their arse.