Dating thread 172: from developing a rhino hind to finding love in the unusual places...the rollercoaster of dating!

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I think that's right @supercali77. It is definitely a set of circumstances that will elicit quite strong responses in people.

Actually, the responses can be hard for lots of us in different ways. For example, as someone who has to regularly allow her DS to be in the care of someone who raped her (he is safe though, definitely - I am completely sure of that), it is not necessarily easy to see very negative responses about that. But I do realise that they're from people who care. And, actually, it's good that people care because one of the things about being in an abusive relationship is that the bastards so often convince you that you're wrong/no one will believe you/no one will care.

Thanks @supercali77 I think that's very well put. I struggled to articulate why I found her posts triggering but I think you have covered it. I was concerned for a young vulnerable woman rushing head first into things with an apparent Heap of undealt with issues in her wake. And also really worried about a young boy in the centre of a very complicated situation and being expected to handle it like an adult.

I certainly haven't made the right choices all of the time. Or been the best parent.

I never meant to be unkind. And I appreciate this thread as a place of advice and support.

@supercali77 totally agree here. I posted once because it didn't all ring true then decided not to post again. The inconsistencies rather than first flushes of romance. Mumsnet can be a vipers nest at times but when you post things like the ex having the son, people will comment.

I don't think you were unkind @Notcoolmum. I think you came across as concerned and caring in all your posts.

Thank you @supercali77 that's very well put.

And @Eesha I'm with you

I think the fact that many of us have really been through the mill is very triggering. This dating lark is fucking hard and many of us have been ghosted, stood up, lied to, cheated on and had our hearts broken. I think SBD1 has been very lucky to meet someone she obviously loves/cares for on her 'first' go as it were could put a few peoples backs up as I know some have been on the apps/sites for a long time.

MrMechanic is ticking a lot of my boxes but I'm still approaching with extreme caution - I share my excitement/squeeeee moments on here but with him and my messages I'm quite aloof and distant even though I want to rip his clothes off and shag him senseless MrTall had me questioning my whole entire life and my very existence and really shook me up when he ditched me!

I don't really want anyone to feel they can't post as I think as strangers on the internet it is a safe place - well as safe as it can be anyway!

I for one appreciate a direct approach and hope that continues in these threads because I'm fucking terrified of allowing myself to have strong feelings for another man and I need somewhere I can bounce off of people and get a different perspective. I feel like I'm closing my eyes and jumping off a cliff into deep waters. Exhilarating but could go horribly wrong.

I don't share everything on the thread, but when I do, I get really sound advice and I'm grateful for it.

I understand why people have reacted as they have, and for my part it serves as a reminder that anyone can read these threads and comment.

Hey @MoreNiceCereal was reading your separate post this morning. There was so much great helpful advice on there

I know there is a divorce/separation area but I was hoping some of you might be able to help me...

My ex and I are due to divorce in the new year (2 years separated - it's what we agreed). I would like to keep costs as low as possible as neither of us have much spare cash. I have looked at doing it online, which looks straightforward enough but for those who have done this - how do all the arrangements with money/property work? Did you come to an agreement and have that drawn up separately in a legal document? I don't have much of a clue about it all to be honest so any advice welcome.

@Sunshineandflipflops when I divorced my first husband we used quickiedivorce and it was really straightforward and cost £600. The ex got a clean break order but they we didn't have any property but reading their website it all looks really straightforward especially as you're sort of amicable with your ex. My current h won't be so easy lol

Thanks @WooMaWang and @KermitRulesOK I've been on this hamster wheel a long time but I wasn't envious of SBD. I was worried a young vulnerable woman was rushing head first into something and involving her young son. I might be cynical but I'm not bitter.

Thanks @KermitRulesOK. Things are amicable (ish) but a little complicated in that he is staying on the mortgage for a while as I won't be able to take it on on my own and can't downsize. I don't know if this element of things needs to go through a solicitor...

I walked away from my house but still named on mortgage but he can't afford to re-mortgage and take me off. I've assured him I'm not interested in his property as I never paid anything into it. I'm going to admit adultery to get our divorce going but he's currently refusing to sign anything and doesn't actually want to divorce but I'm going to force it through as I just want to be free again

@KermitRulesOK thank you. I need to talk to him really about things as all I have at the moment is his assurance that he won't make me sell the family home. I trust him in that respect but I'd rather have something in writing I think. Ideally he'd sign the house over to me at some point and walk away (or to his girlfriend who he had an affair with) but not sure that's going to happen. I can't buy him out either.

sunshine I'm currently using divorceonline who've been very simple to deal with so far, so that's another option for you.

Google 'mesher order' or 'order for deferred sale'. I was looking recently for MissH as she is in a similar situation. Although she is now divorced and pays the mortgage, her exh is still named on the mortgage/deeds and has equity in the property which she is not in a position to release.
Btw I'm no legal expert so don't assume this is right for you, but hopefully it helps ;)

Thanks @Ant330

We're using a company called amicable. Is like meditation but woth divorce coaching to sort out child arrangements and/or the financial order. It's costing 900 each flat fee so not cheap but hopefully means neither of us get screwed (or at least...no more than he's screwed me already)

In other news, I've just booked tickets to see the new Star Wars film on opening night with Mr Ad! 18 years with a Star Wars fan was bound to rub off...

also they have different packages...

Thanks @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking. This are the kind of costs I was hoping to avoid to be honest.

sunshine I am using wikivorce to help with things.
I think I paid about £300 for help with the application and also for them to do the financial order.
We dont have a property though.

You definitely need something in writing because even if you're amicable now things could change.

My solicitor helped me write my sections for unreasonable behaviour and I completed the form online and paid £550 court fee. I'm not exempt due to income but some people might be.

My divorce is in court today, just waiting to hear that the Nisi has been granted - it's very exciting.

If you've got more specific questions I'm happy to answer them.

Understandable. I just want to protect myself financially so it's worth it to me to do that.

Jeez. After being fairly 'up' yesterday today is kicking me in the teeth. Just very low and overwhelmed. I'm up and down more than a whore's drawers at the moment.
Feeling slightly queasy again so I guess that's more weight that'll melt off. I've lost roughly 2 stone since this kicked off in late summer... well. Plus 15 stone of cheating bastard. Anyone else finding the divorce diet incredibly effective?

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking yep! Have lost 3 stone and am now looking great! Every cloud and all that!!

I've gained weight! I lost some initially in the first few weeks but my comfort wine habit soon stopped that!

Thansk @SortingItOut