Dating thread 172: from developing a rhino hind to finding love in the unusual places...the rollercoaster of dating!

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@supercali77 I didn't even know you could message someone through Pinterest. And why poke the best indeed. He's gotten away with it. He clearly feels the need for you to be punished and held to account in some way for hurting his GF. And has managed to totally separate his act of betraying his GF with your act of telling her.

My ex who cheated did the same. He was very angry and aggressive with the other OW as she told me about them. He somehow persuaded himself that what he did was Ok as no one knew about it and therefore weren't getting hurt. Whereas what she did by letting it out of the bag meant I knew and was hurt. What a knob.

Actually she was a great source of comfort and we helped each other through the breakup. Triangulated stories etc.

@Notcoolmum I didn't either. Seems like if a man wants to hold you responsible for his shitty behaviour - he will find a way

@Notcoolmum yes - the paragraphs were filled with 'How could I hurt this lovely woman' ....ummm.

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

@supercali77 ah ahaha how could you indeed? Oh send them to her.

@SBD1 stay if you can. I'm a bit shaken by I think @Notcoolmum talking about her mums boyfriends. I'm not sure how to keep my kids in the dark about dating etc. They're not allowed to see my phone and I have all notifications off. My WhatsApp only says who has messaged. With Mr U they drove up next to us at a busy roundabout in London and saw him. He's quite er noticeable. What are the chances of that?

@Peanuthedz To be honest, I was out and about with Mr Ad over the weekend in my town as I needed to get things done re my car so my kids could have potentially seen us any any point. I guess I would have just done a quick intro and not made a big deal of it but no, I don't think you can necessarily keep someone secret for a long time while living your life too.

I think the whole children and meeting your new BF is a big open debate.

Personally, I think every situation is different, you know your kids and know your relationship.

That said, my son is much older but not a chance I would have ever put him in a position where he could wake up in the night and find a man in my bed. Either now or when he was younger. Nor would I openly discuss my relationship with him during the early stages. I may refer to him as a friend etc and say I'm out with blah blah. Once I feel my relationship is secure enough would I suggest meeting and staying over.

For me, I've seen too many adults who still discuss how it felt seeing their parents with different men or meeting lots of different partners and the impact that had on their own life and their relationship with parents.

But again, I stress only know what a right. You are the parent after all.

Reference meeting kids I think there's loads of factors that you take into consideration. My kids are only 9 & 4 and the oldest was devastated when ex and I broke up and the thought of me getting a bf would send him over the edge but every kid is different. My youngest wouldn't give a stuff I don't think but no one is meeting my kids accidentally or otherwise for well over 6 months - I don't have family around me so no one knows of my dating exploits other than you guys and I appreciate your advice

I agree with you @KermitRulesOK

Definitely no to having someone stay over without the kids knowing and being ok with it. My ds sleepwalks and also likes to come in for cuddles sometimes so I just wouldn't risk it.

Well at least there is one joy to being older, my children are grown up and have families of their own - I split from their dad when they were late teens so I did not have the same problems as some of you are having. I am in a newish relationship (couple of months) and wouldn't have a problem introducing him to my children but not my grandchildren as yet.

I agree caution is best for the DC. Introducing people as boyfriends at an early stage isn't fair on them imo, especially when they've had a lot of upheaval. I don't think there is a set time on it but as other posters have said, 6 months and then you might have more of an idea whether it is going to go somewhere.

I really don't believe in the 'when you know, you know' thing either. I never imagined that I would have split up with my DC's dad, things were amazing at one point. But it went wrong. That's my biggest lesson from it all- you just don't know what is going to happen. So yes, you could decide to leave introducing someone for two years and then a month later end up splitting up, that's the other side of the argument. But I just think that the main thing for kids is the stability for them- not getting used to the presence of someone who is then likely to not stick around. Depending on the age of the kids as well, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if they are a bit older and they know about their parents dating or whatever. I think it's important they know we as parents are still entitled to have our own lives.

Kids don't need wrapping up in cotton wool but their feelings and safety are the most important thing in anything. I would be wanting to keep contact at a very low level for a very long time tbh and any partner would be described as a 'friend'- again for a considerable time.

I have to say, as much as I dislike what my exh did to me and our family, he introduced the OW to our kids at six months post separation and even now they don't officially live together and when he has the kids, she's not around much.

I don't know whether that's his choice or hers (why would a 28 year old want to spend her weekends hanging out with an 11 and 13 year old) but it means they get to spend quality time with him and I am thankful for that.

Yeah agree - older kids are more au fait with the idea of dating. Small children naturally are more naieve about it. Like my DD thinks if you kiss em, you marry em.

In my sitch with my mums bf's - keep in mind, it was the 80s/different parenting approach. I'd go into her room in the morning and there was a man, they might be there most mornings and then suddenly not be. She didn't sit me down and introduce them, or talk about it. It was just.....unnerving.

Just because they've met though, it doesn't mean they're going to be seeing each other all the time. I'm not intending to use the meeting as a springboard into playing happy families. It was a nice afternoon, DS talked to Mr C much like he talks to my other guy friends who we go for dog walks with. I don't think he saw it as any different to my guy friends we spend time with. He was exactly the same with Mr C as when we take the dogs out with Mr D (best friends husband). I did know Mr C was in town but I didn't know that his studio was down the road from my work because I've never bothered to ask.

My style of parenting is probably very different to a lot of you, I'm still finding my feet despite him being 8 and I am going to make a lot of mistakes. I do prefer a collaborative approach with DS, we look after the dogs together, we cook together, we make his packed lunches together, he gets his own breakfast, he helps me clean the house all that sort of stuff. And we talk a lot about life because he wants to. I don't believe I should shut him down when he has a question. So when he asked me about love, we talked about all the different types, I didn't go "Oh btw DS I'm in love with Mr C" I explained that on a minor level I probably felt some sort of love for Mr C and that might develop over time. I explained that the love I feel for DS is the most important love and that my job is to protect him.

@supercali77

My mother was the same as yours! I lost count of the times she became 'engaged' to a bloke and the times a bloke was suddenly there in the morning! There was no regard for her children at all and she put us in some pretty dangerous situations at times. There were also the times when she would turf me out of my bed and put me in with my brothers because her best friend needed a bed to shag a bloke in. Looking back as a mother, I just can't believe she did what she did...just utterly selfish and no care or protection. It's why I don't have a great relationship with her, so for those who do introduce new partners carelessly...think carefully about the ramifications for your DC.

You hear these stories so often @PinkMonkeyBird @supercali77 especially as we get older and realise what was actually happening. It hits us more, as a child we think it's the 'norm" or become uncertain.

@SBD1 I don't know many parents who've 'found their feet' completely besides insufferable know-it-alls. All folk are saying on here is to use caution, our kids can ask us all they like but there's a fine line between being honest and knowing when they're emotionally mature enough to understand a situation. They're not our 'mates'

He knew who He was because you've said previously the conversations you've had with Your son @SBD1 everybody has different ways of parenting. It's what works for them, we are all just giving stories and experiences of how these things can impact children. You can take that onboard or choose not to.

Also, if it doesn't work out with Mr C I'm unlikely to jump back on the bandwagon, I never was on the bandwagon it was just a weird chance that I found someone as weird as me on Tinder with the same interests (cycling, playing a specific video game, playing board games, reading the same books, cooking the same food etc).

Meaning, if it doesn't work - there won't be another guy to introduce DS to for a long time.

@PinkMonkeyBird So sorry to hear you had the same....I have a goodish relationship with mine now (I basically had to forgive her on that and other things but never tell her because she's defensive) but I didn't really speak to her for years. On the one hand - I get it as an adult that she was a single mother....on the other, there was such a basic lack of sensitivity around it. I didn't even know half their names.

@lifegoes yep - my mum was quite liberal, held a lot of parties at the house. Hated those. You'd wake up at 2/3am with a stranger wandering in looking for the loo etc. Pure chaos. So potentially dangerous.

I do take it onboard, I don't agree with all of it but some of it I do process and accept and take the advice. I had postponed their initial meeting, this weekend was just a weird occurrence.

For instance I've taken on board the comments about Mr C not staying over when DS is at home. So that's not happening

Pink that's shocking. I don't know how any parent could do that to their children. Wildly inappropriate on so many levels. Confusing, frightening and potentially dangerous.

Mr Cath Fach is the only guy who has even been back to my house, and only when my kids aren't here. I'm very cautious about who even comes here as it's my children's home and I won't have anyone even know where I live til I'm convinced they aren't a weirdo.

A couple of occasions I've arranged for Mr Cath Fach to come over when the DC were going to be with ex, and ex has cancelled. I'm very lucky that as I live with family, my mum has been happy to look after them. So I've waited til they've gone to bed, mum has looked after them and Mr Cath Fach and I have gone to a hotel. I wouldn't risk them walking in my room, and getting a shock of some random bloke being there. I also make sure I don't miss time with them- I'm only gone when they would be asleep anyway and obviously are being looked after by family.

Obviously we aren't together anyway and really are just friends but it's nice that Mr Cath Fach is understanding of this. Recently we got a hotel at very short notice because of ex cancelling and I said I would pay but he insisted on going 50/50. He seems to understand that having kids, their needs come first.

My ex introduced his gf to our toddlers after a year. I hated it as they are pretty switched on and asked after her constantly. I personally thought they didn't need to be introduced to partners on either side. I saw with his ex and her new partners, every man was a potential stepdad in their eyes and hers. She encouraged group whatsapps with her new men and kids. The kids were continuously upset as each relationship failed plus they kept losing their 'step siblings' each time. I'd personally not introduce unless extremely serious and that would be post a year at least.

You are in control of the whole process @SBD1 so at any point you could have said no. Or you could have stopped him falling asleep on your sofa, not allowed him to come back for dinner Etc. I think it's a valid point from @supercali77 your son is your son. Not a mate.