Dating thread 172: from developing a rhino hind to finding love in the unusual places...the rollercoaster of dating!

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Thanks @lifegoes

@fmfl one of the best bits of advice given on here is to delete the contact, pics and messages. Stops any obsession or ability to message them.

That's ok lifegoes

We generally see eachother maybe every couple of weeks when he's on his way back from where he works to where he lives. I'm conveniently on the way 😄 he did mention looking at getting somewhere nearer me when he's working here- not specifically to be nearer me but he'd be nearer me and nearer to his actual home.

It's never been a fb situation- when it started in feb/March it was a 'see what happens' situation. Then in July when he got back in touch- I don't really know what it was. But it's always been more than fb. Definitely fwb. I've definitely got feelings though- he's he only person from OLD I have liked and I knew I liked him back in March. I was really happy when he got back in touch.

I know it's going nowhere. But I'm not quite ready to give him up yet and definitely don't want to give up sex with him as it's so good

@saltysally yes I think I’ll do this; my profile pic is set to ‘everyone’ so he won’t know I’ve deleted him if he does come back! My last iron messed with my head; this one is doing the same thing (albeit unintentionally, I think!) so I’m going to act more quickly this time!

Do you have to give it up? @InTheTempest

Can you handle it, as it is now? Or are you wanting a relationship.

In situations like these, I think it's important to think about what you want - as your end goal. If you are happy as things are, why rock the boat. Or would you be doing this, to potentially get his feelings on it all.

I only ask this, because I know personally for me, I've done the above. I've been happy with something but because I've been unsure where they see it going. I've pushed the situation slightly, by either trying to end it (in hope they will want me to stay) when the best thing for me to do was, perhaps just ask or just enjoy it for what it is.

You seem happy with him and you know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy with how your situation is. As long as you are happy with it.

(Not sure ive helped there, but I've tried x)

Good for you @fmfl

Peanut my divorce went to final hearing, the Consent Order covers all the finances and ordered the house be sold and the proportion of the equity to be given to me. Ex wouldn't agree or compromise at all, hence us going to final hearing. You don't need to sell the house first, the consent order will set out how the assets should be divided. We had a pension sharing order and I was awarded maintenance too. No way could I afford the house, and it's way too big for one person. Ex is a high earner and I didn't work while disabled DC was at home. I work now - okay salary (which goes nowhere in London - over £1000 a month to rent a one bed flat), but about a 6th of ex's salary

Lifegoes I don't have to I guess.

I could carry on as it is. There's a couple of things that may make it easier seeing eachother that may be in the horizon which would be positive.

I didn't start OLD wanting a relationship. But after meeting him- I want him. Without rushing into something really serious as wouldn't be good for either of us but just us- no one else, and spending more time together, just having fun. I'd like the closeness. Tbf when we are together we are like bf/gf. Falling asleep cuddled up and lovely long conversations. Relaxed and comfortable around eachother.

I just don't think it's going to happen. I think we have a bond and could be in touch forever but I don't think it will turn into a romantic relationship. I worry I will get hurt but I'm also realistic enough not to have expectations.

Well Mr Sash has messaged, no mention of tomorrow, just saying it’s a shame our schedules don’t match. I’ve taken that as the date isn’t on, so sent a friendly reply back saying we’ll hopefully meet up when things are less busy. And have deleted. Aargh

It's always a hard one, situations like this. It's heart v head. But maybe I'm just optimistic with things or maybe I'm foolish.

This seems to me as a what's the worse that can happen if you continue? (Probably the same as now - hurt) what's the best, things turn out great. He's not done anything wrong, I'm sure you would say if you had any doubts about him.

Maybe see how things go.

I'm sure others on here might disagree, but I know from a situation in the past. When you click with someone. You just click and that's hard to find. If there's no reason to throw it away don't. @InTheTempest

Awwww @FMFL I think you have left it the best way. The ball is in his court and at least he sent that message. I'm sure this one will be back. But for now, you just keep looking after you.

@Peanutbuttermouth It sounds like you just want a plain old relationship, just without the co-habiting. So maybe just say that in your profile. I’ve seen it written ‘as looking for something slightly less than marriage but a lot more than a fling’. There are lots of blokes in similar positions to you.

@Peanuthedz I felt so sorry for you earlier in the thread so I’m really glad you’ve come out of that whirlwind of horrible thoughts and can see a way forwards. Have a virtual hairy arsed hug to keep on hold if another wave catches you

@KermitRulesOK All looking good !

Less good on my front, two very different dates this weekend but neither felt like growth towards something. Miss Sphinx with very serious conversation and ending with an awkward peck. Really interesting woman yet ... sparks not flying. Miss Bunker for some reason gave me another crack of the whip in a theatre bar and the conversation was fun and lively and her eyes were dancing, and she leant in for what must have been the worst, most confusing kiss I’ve had the misfortune to be involved in. It was almost as though her teeth were gritted. I tried again with feeling but ..nope! The no spark text was duly fired in my direction but, truthfully thread, it was a mutual damp squib.

Oh it makes it harder because he is just so lovely. Honest, reliable when we've arranged something. Good to chat to, makes me laugh. I actually think we are similar in lots of ways- or very complimentary of eachother anyway. He doesn't just treat me like something to get his dick wet either- the friendship and connection is genuine. Sex wasn't going to be on the cards on Friday yet he still wanted to come see me. As it happens we just cannot be around eachother without ending up in bed.

But he's 22, enjoying his life atm and doesn't want to feel tied down. I do think some of this comes from having immature relationships where his gfs have been jealous etc.

I should just enjoy him whilst it lasts. I'll be sad when it ends but he's been good for me in a lot of ways. I'm sure I'll get over it.

DS and Mr C met yesterday.

I knew Mr C worked part time in the city, didn't realise how close his work is to mine. I had parked at my work so we could take the dogs for a walk by the river, walked round the corner and down the road to Mr C coming in the other direction towards where his car was parked. Cue panic stricken faces, no one knew what to do. Instead of keeping on walking like I should have done, I stopped to say hi, after a couple of minutes DS twigged it was Mr C because of, well a defining physical characteristic of Mr C and asked if he wanted to come on our dog walk, which he did. We walked for 2 miles, turned around, walked back towards the city centre, DS decided he was tired, Mr C gave him a piggy back and they were giggling the entire time whilst I followed with my head practically in my hands going WHAT HAVE I DONE. Then Mr C bought DS a hot chocolate, DS told Mr C all about his favourite Xbox game, invited Mr C back for pizza, informed Mr C he'd have to make it, so we went home Mr C made pizza dough, made 4 pizzas, DS ate two then passed out in bed and Mr C also passed out on the sofa whilst I sat at the dinner table in shock as to how we went from "I think I'll postpone the two meeting" to "Want to come for a dog walk with me and Mummy".

Awww it sounds lovely @InTheTempest if you can enjoy it for what it is right now, please do. You deserve happiness and happiness doesn't always come in the form of a big blown relationships. Sometimes it comes in moments like these. It sounds a lot like what I had with my last one. Is there a big age gap?

Lifegoes it actually is in lots of ways. He must like me to have got back in touch in the summer like he did. But he doesn't feel the same as me. I know that. It's a shame but nothing I can do to change it.

Yes, I'm nearly 10 years older than him. Have to say it's been bloody brilliant, he's got so much energy 😂 although I've managed to wear him out on a couple of occasions, it's just so good.

@InTheTempest I don't often disagree with @lifegoes but I do here. If you have the feels and know he doesn't I'd be concerned about protecting my feelings. The feels will grow for you the more you see him. He does sound like a nice lad. He's only seeing you and not making any false promises? He is very young though. At his age I wouldn't wanted to have settled down with an older man who had kids.

I know I said I wouldn't comment again @SBD1 but... no one suggested putting off irons meeting kids to ruin anyone fun. Or to suggest the 2 wouldn't get on and have a great time. The advice is solely to protect the children. Who have all been through the breakdown of their parents relationship. Losing the life they are used to. Having to get used to new arrangements which often includes shared care, a new home etc. No new relationship is guaranteed to last forever but once it's got to 6 months you will be past the very early stages. 6 months is to prefect our children from forming a relationship with someone we are just getting to know ourselves. To protect them from losing someone else from their lives and having more significant upset.

*protect. Not perfect.

Notcool believe me I know exactly what you mean! Yep, the feelings seem to increase a bit each time I see him and my head definitely tells me that I need to protect myself.

He never makes false promises to me, he actually behaves really well to me, it really does make it harder that he's like this to me and not a tosser 😂 I would feel like that about someone having kids- I don't know if it's an issue for him though. At the beginning he said not and he generally says what he thinks.

I know it's not going anywhere but I cant bring myself to end it. I'm still on Tinder and I'm speaking to Mr Hendricks but very half heartedly.

@InTheTempest yeh I couldn't have ended it with mine either but I did find myself picking away at stuff so then he ended it!!! I'm in a reverse atm where the bloke I'm seeing has more feels for me. And I get stick with wondering if I should end it so he doesn't get hurt. Instead I'm just brutally honest so he can't feel led on. Although knowing my luck i will end up falling for him and then he'll get bored and dump me!!!!

Thankyou for both opinions btw, the advice on this thread is good, and it's interesting to hear different thoughts (but you've basically both been my internal monologue- being unable to end it and not wanting to give up his friendship and the sex and being torn between this and protecting my feelings 😂).

I suppose it's a good sign though that I am firmly on the ground with it- I literally don't expect a thing. I probably would never have to lose his friendship- I could imagine staying in touch with him even if we weren't having sex- but I'd find that really hard too. Maybe I should open my mind to that a bit more as would be sad to lose the friendship. I don't mean see eachother loads but still speak sometimes. The thought if not speaking to him makes me sad. He said to me once did I think we'd still be speaking to eachother in 10 years time. I said I had no idea but he thought we probably would 😂

The only thing I'm guilty of is thoughts like 'there must be a reason we matched on tinder' and 'something made him get back in touch'. I think more than me having DC, he just doesn't want to settle with anyone. I think he imagined having a gf to be grief based on his past experience but he's not been with anyone more mature before.

These are all futile thoughts anyway. And I will probably send him the first message of the day in a minute 😂

Notcool is he just not the right one for you or is there something more specific that isn't right about him?

@SBD1 it's not often I comment but I'm a bit concerned that everything is moving way too fast with MrC, my mother had us meeting the men in her life early on and it damaged my relationship with her even now and I'm 41. Please try to slow it down, you have the rest of your life ahead of you with MrC. Meeting a boyfriend after 2 months is so very quick especially after all you've been through and especially as it appears you haven't fully dealt with it mentally. We are only concerned for you and your DS as a lot of us are very experienced. You don't know this person at all, you can never know someone properly at 12 months never mind 2!

Anyway enough lecturing from me! So I've been pinging messages back with MrMechanic and the more we do the more we have in common - he messages so articulately and uses the most wonderful words that I can't wait to see him again. Whoever said about the dopamine rush was right and this is my favourite part of dating when you have that 'OMG I love that too - we should go and watch it together/do whatever it is.'

@HairyArsedMan I'm intrigued about the weird kiss and what on earth happened? How're you feeling now?

@Notcoolmum no no no I totally understood what the concerns were and after I took them into account I decided I’d postpone them meeting

@KermitRulesOK well the irony is, after I spoke to Mr C on Friday to say I think we will wait - he walks round the bloody corner on Saturday afternoon. Not entirely sure what I do now, whether I say to DS that we had a nice day and he will see him again some day sort of thing. It was more awkward because my ex came to spend the day with DS on Sunday and DS told him allllll about our day.

I’ve been reading back over the past few threads about Christmas and ex stuff and I’ve started putting a plan together that puts DS first and not other people. A few of you were concerned about our Christmas plans etc and I think the problem was that I was assuming DS wanted to be all over the place with his grandma or his dad etc and I wasn’t thinking about what was best in terms of him being settled. I know I’m the parent so I should lead but I might see what DS wants to do about Christmas, the only issue being that exMIL is already starting to turn against me, she’s found out I have a boyfriend and also the day I collect DS back from my mothers after half term, she’s asked if she can have DS and I’ve said no. It takes me and DS two hours to get home from mums, he will have been there for a week and then to expect me to drive him for another two hours to exMILs. It doesn’t give him time to chill out at home before he goes back to school: so I said no, and she’s not happy. First time I’ve stood up for us actually....

@InTheTempest I'm in the sex haze right now so he seems perfect!! But in reality he's a man child who lives with his mum. I suspect he's a cocklodger but he can't lodge his cock with me!

He is though a lot of fun. And very very kind to me. He treats me so nicely. Hasn't put any pressure on it to be more than it is even though I know he would like it to be. I miss him when we have just spent time together...

@InTheTempest

Are your feet on the ground though? I know I’m one to talk but cold you walk away tomorrow if you had to. I read a lot of “hope” in your posts, hope that he might decide he wants a relationship hidden behind, it’s okay I know he doesn’t.