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Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 23:57

I think the OW is lying. I'm embarrassed to admit I've been an OW, and they will lie to further the interests of their lover, because they either love them or want to see them again or whatever, so don't want the man to be angry at them. I agree with those who say if they were together that long, it was more than just a snog or whatever.

ymf117 · 17/10/2019 00:18

Sorry this has happened to you

I'd put my money on them having sex, however her saying he didn't want her could be something like Aunt Flo and you don't really throw a towel down with a stranger Confused

Definitely LTB and actually he works away so doesn't need to come home. You need to work on a get out fund x

Usernameschmoozername · 17/10/2019 01:10

Sorry you’re going through this. Don’t beat yourself up about your first reaction - you’re still in a state of shock. When the person you depend upon for emotional support is the one who’s causing you pain it’s devastating. I found texts from my ex to another woman when DD was 5 months old, and convinced myself to believe him when he said they’d only kissed as the prospect of dealing with the end of a marriage of less than 2 years, a baby and a newly purchased house was too scary. 12 years down the line, 7 as a single parent, I know I’m much happier than I would have been if we were still together - though it was his decision to leave. His infidelity hung over our relationship for the next 5 years.
Please talk to friends / family, this is his screw up, not yours and he is the one who should feel embarrassed, not you. What about asking someone else to come round for moral support and telling him you want him to move out? You don’t need to rush into anything, but for your own self respect, you need to know that you are worth a hell of a lot more than this, and that a leopard never changes its spots: once a cheater...
Counselling may help in the longer term to get your head round the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. It takes time to build yourself back up again after someone has wrecked your self esteem, Remember too that you cannot control his behaviour, but you are in control of your response to his behaviour, and I think you know what the only response can be.

KatherineJaneway · 17/10/2019 01:29

She seemed genuinely shocked. Of course she might be lying but I didn't get that feeling.

They spent two nights in a hotel and didn't have sex? If you believe that you are a fool.

MsDogLady · 17/10/2019 03:56

I don’t understand why he’s not groveling at my feet to make it all better.

She sent me screen shots of him explaining why he had never married or had children.

Are you really surprised that he has gone out to have fun instead of “groveling” or comforting you? He lacks empathy, is immensely selfish, and is confident that you won’t be leaving him.

This man is a narcissistic manipulator who has created a fake life, complete with stories of why he never married and had children, in order to hunt illicit sexual encounters. He is capable of great deception and will never change.

Marrying him would be a tragedy.

babbi · 17/10/2019 04:18

Exactly what @ladyjadie said ....
she nailed it 👌🏻

Good luck OP and best wishes to you Ladyjadie ... so glad you are in a better place 😀

CampingItUp · 17/10/2019 06:27

I can’t get past the fact that he is luring women under false pretences.

Going to elaborate lengths to present himself as single.

It is dishonest and predatory.

category12 · 17/10/2019 06:44

He's not grovelling or trying to put things right, because he's not sorry, he doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong, and he's confident you'll stick it out anyway. He may not even care if you did leave.

Time to scrape up your self esteem and get rid.

Monty27 · 17/10/2019 06:46

Oh dear. He's been busted and breathing a sigh of relief that you don't know the half of it Confused

Troilusworks · 17/10/2019 06:53

He lacks empathy, is immensely selfish and is confident you won't be leaving him.

This

This man wholly has his own interests at heart. He lacks genuine empathy, although is probably good at faking it. I'll bet everyone thinks he's a great guy, and when he gives you his full attention it's like the sun comes out. But it's all fake and manipulation.

Someone who genuinely cares for you wouldn't set out to deliberately deceive you in this way. He's not even looking for a quick shag, he could have had that without this elaborate charade. He is looking for an ongoing relationship behind your back.

He's also deceived the other woman with his fake life, lured her in as well, so you're both playing the pick me dance. To me, the sex or not would be beside the point. The emotional betrayal would eat me up. Think very carefully before you marry this man. Because you will never come first in his life: illness, bereavement, whatever, his concerns will always trump yours.

InsertFunnyUsername · 17/10/2019 07:57

OP you keep mentioning how you dont think X Y or Z is true because you didn't get that feeling but did you get the feeling he would make secret accounts and cheat on you? That's the problem when a partner cheats hardly anyone expects it, so we all try to find little shreds of hope to hold on to.

It's very difficult theres no denying that but just try to have your eyes open with this.

OkayGo · 17/10/2019 08:20

I don't believe he didn't shag her!

aweedropofsancerre · 17/10/2019 08:30

Do you know what life is too short to be living with a lying narcissistic arsehole whose only interest is himself. Raise your standards and expectations. I would rather be single in your case ..... hope he enjoyed his night out at the pub whilst you sat there in a state..... and your considering staying with him. It will only get worse

TeeBee · 17/10/2019 08:33

Do you really really want to spend your life looking over your shoulder? Always having doubts as to weather he is telling the truth? Forever wondering what he is up to? Is he really worth your peace of mind? If he has so little respect for your relationship, do you think that will change over night just because you get married? Take a good hard look at yourself and consider whether you will allow one person to totally wreck your peace of mind. A person who has so blatantly cheated on you, and not only once but has been in the prowl previously. C'mon, you are worthy of a better man, surely

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 08:38

As pp said, he is indeed predatory. Denying the existence of his DC by explaining why he never had any is cold and calculating.

ladyjadie · 17/10/2019 08:48

@babbi thank you ☺️ I have found myself becoming a bit of a soapbox preacher about leaving a bad relationship, only because I know the fear of leaving a long or intense relationship, and how easy it is to get stuck and make excuses and just stay another year... and it made me ill, mentally and physically but I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I left him. Even then he would probably have been able to wheedle me back but the fact he was such a cunt in defensiveness and arrogance that I’d be back, was actually the best thing he could have done, for me. I moved into a new place and honestly the PEACE I felt.. no more arguing in my head with him, insomnia thinking about what he might have done because my GUT knew he wasn’t trustworthy even tho my heart didn’t want to believe.. it was bliss just being so free. No more paranoia or worry or pain from him and I will never again accept that treatment. I really truly hope OP gets this bliss, sorry for going on OP but I just really want your life to be a happy one 💕

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/10/2019 08:56

Why can you not immediately escape ?

PeriComoToes · 17/10/2019 09:00

I think whether or not they had sex is neither here nor there BECAUSE he denied the existence of his own children. That for me would be unforgivable. That's the deal breaker right there.

Snowfalling · 17/10/2019 09:00

I agree with those saying you should marry him. You need to protect yourself and dc financially. He owes you that much at the very least. Book a small registry do, and divorce him at the earliest opportunity. He has been ruthlessly calculating. You need to be the same.

Snowfalling · 17/10/2019 09:02

I agree with @PeriComoToes. He denied the existence of his dc. That is the lowest of the low.

LIZS · 17/10/2019 09:06

There will be more to emerge, possibly even other child/ren , now or in future. I get the impression you somehow think it is your fault, it is not nor your responsibility to deal with the inevitable fallout. If his friends are on his fake SM they may even already know. You need to protect yourself and your children now.

Crazycatperson · 17/10/2019 09:14

How very sneaky of him. My boyfriend cheated at the very beginning of our relationship. I ended it but after months of him saying sorry I got back with him. I read so much about cheating and the general consensus is that if he says sorry, shows distress, and blames himself and an awareness of your suffering then he's likely never going to do it again. If he doesn't show remorse or looks to blame you, then he will. My protection was that when my boyfriend cheated it was early days and before he loved me. What is yours? If you can't think of anything and he doesn't show enough regret, then please make plans to end the relationship as he will do it again. My boyfriend works away and as a result of his early cheating, I make sure we speak regularly and always before bed. He wouldn't be able to cheat as he wouldn't have the time. It's not a great way to be though but as they say one lie ruins a thousand truths x

crustycrab · 17/10/2019 09:19

"He wouldn't be able to cheat as he wouldn't have the time."

Oh they always find time. You do know that people can have sex at any time of day not just bedtime?

KUGA · 17/10/2019 09:20

AnyFucker is spot on.
I would too.
Also thats the first time hes been found out.
And as for asking the other woman of course she is going to deny it the vile slut.
They sort of deserve each other.
Get rid or get hurt.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 09:26

And as for asking the other woman of course she is going to deny it the vile slut.

The man presented himself as single. Gave explanations as to why he never married and had children. The OP has proof of this.

With this information, the woman clearly thought he WAS single.

Whether or not they had full sex, is no way the woman a "vile slut" she was the unwitting victim of a lying, calculating cheating man.

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