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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:
nowayhose · 16/10/2019 19:15

how completely despicable he is ! :(

He set out to cheat with making a fake instagram account, so I don't see why you would even want to stay with him !

He's trash ! You deserve better ! Everyone on the planet deserves better than that !

Please don't let him talk you round ( not that it sounds like he's even trying !) he thinks so little of you that he pre plans how to cheat on you FGS !
and I agree it probably isn't the 1st time, it's just the 1st time he's been caught :( Get an STD check pronto and kick him to the kerb, and move on with your life girl.

AnyFucker · 16/10/2019 19:15

The plans are halted....right ?

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 19:16

Urgh they'd sent each other voice notes and stuff when she was on her way over.
It's making my skin crawl thinking about it. Who even is that man that I was planning on marrying??

OP posts:
Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 19:16

The wedding plans are indeed on hold

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/10/2019 19:17

On hold is not the same as halted

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 19:17

Also, ironically, did an std test a couple of weeks ago as I was concerned that sex had been painful then felt SO guilty that I had thought that of him

OP posts:
Icouldstillbejoseph · 16/10/2019 19:17

@Mybaby15 where did he meet this woman then? Because I'm assuming it's online if he needed a fake Insta to 'verify his identity'.
And if it's online I assume she won't be the only one he was/is chatting to.

Will he let you see everything on his phone, right now?

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 19:21

No, he met her in a bar when he was away. I'm assuming he cobbled the fake account together to prove his lies

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 16/10/2019 19:21

Please end the relationship now. This wasn't a momentary lapse of judgment, he planned this and clearly didn't give a fuck about your feelings. I bet she's shagged other women behind your back and he'll do it again and just try and hide it better next time.

Get out before you're married. Do you have children with him?

Didntwanttochangemyname · 16/10/2019 19:22

Stop the wedding planning. End it.
Whether they actually fucked or not, he planned to and schemed his way there.

You would be an absolute fool to stay in a relationship.

BadSun · 16/10/2019 19:22

He's saying it was an ego boost and he's an idiot

That may be true (I mean, the latter part definitely is), but even if it was just an ego boost, does that make it ok? Is that an excuse people are making now? Oh it's not that bad that I cheated on you, because it was only an ego boost!

OP it's hard to advise since you say you "can't" leave, but don't say why. If you REALLY can't, then tell him it's over stay in the spare room until you can leave?

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/10/2019 19:22

Full sex or not, this is premeditated and planned cheating.
You can't trust this person. Cancel the wedding and reevaluate.
Sorry if harsh but you'd be a fool to stay with this man.

Icouldstillbejoseph · 16/10/2019 19:24

@Maybebaby2 was he also texting you over the weekend while he was with her?

I don't know why I'm asking really, the situation is shitty from any angle. Whether he put his dick inside her is a minor point (no pun intended).

I'm sorry you are going through this grief.

nowayhose · 16/10/2019 19:24

Oh, I've just read your update about wedding planning ! How truly awful !

You poor girl, you don't need that on top of finding out he's cheated :(

When you're feeling stronger, you need to tell your parents and his parents ( why the hell should you suffer and feel miserable when it's HIM who should !) and then let them know the wedding's off.
Let HIM be the one who feels ashamed, embarrassed, weak and stupid. Do NOT protect him from this !!
You WILL get through this, but please do not marry this twat cos you'll regret it for sure. You can't trust him right now, when you should be in the lovey dovey stage, you definitely won't be able to trust him 5 years down the line when you have kids etc

All my best wishes and thoughts for you xx

Drabarni · 16/10/2019 19:24

So he can't control the urge to actively meet someone and then doesn't have sex.
Jackanory, Jackanory, please don't believe this bull shit and get an sti check , tell him you are getting one and to mind his arse on the way out.
Or live life looking over your shoulder.
He's sorry because he got caught, ow probably lying too.

Dollywilde · 16/10/2019 19:24

Why “can’t you leave?” No judgment but curious. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

RueCambon · 16/10/2019 19:27

Whether they had sex or not, he set up a fake instagram ac to deliberately portray himself as single. That's bad enough. Do not marry aman who is planning to cheat.

OhIKnew · 16/10/2019 19:29

This must be hell to hear. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What are you going to do?

IndieTara · 16/10/2019 19:30

Bloody hell OP you can have my first LTB his actions are unforgivingly calculated. He knew exactly what he was doing as he thought about it and planned it.
He's not grovelling because he's either not that bothered about losing you or doesn't actually think you'd kick him out or leave him
Cancel your wedding plans and tell everybody why. Especially his family

BadSun · 16/10/2019 19:30

So he can't control the urge to actively meet someone and then doesn't have sex
Jackanory, Jackanory, please don't believe this bull shit

I know this may be a bit of a generalisation, but honestly... If a man meets a woman in a bar, chats to her on instagram for a couple of months and then invites her to his hotel room for two nights running, the ONLY way they didn't have sex is if the woman refused. Seriously.

And that would make the lack of sex (if it's true) irrelevant anyway, wouldn't it? Knowing that he 100% would have done it if she had let him!

lifegoes · 16/10/2019 19:31

The fake Instagram account is a huge sign that this isn't his first time.

He's met her before and obviously been texting the whole time.

Then arranged to meet up in his hotel.

I'm sorry OP. But why would you want to stay with this man.

Bumfuzzled · 16/10/2019 19:31

I know it’s a minor detail but I wonder how old his Instagram account is? If he has posted pics from before this woman she may not be the first.

Sorry you are going through this. Please just cancel the wedding, he isn’t good enough to marry.

Kittykat93 · 16/10/2019 19:32

What on earth were they doing for 2 nights in a hotel room if there was no sex? Fucking star gazing???

He's a liar and a cheat. Bin him off

Drabarni · 16/10/2019 19:32

I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

Because he doesn't want it to be better, he's probably relieved because he didn't want to get married. He certainly doesn't want a life with you Thanks so sorry you are going through this, but better now than when you're married.

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 19:32

I told him I didn't believe him about the no sex so he messaged her in front of me saying "home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!"

I can't leave because of kids and work and not really having anywhere to go

OP posts: