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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 20:33

No, it doesn't really matter if they had sex or not.
He is currently out for work drinks which says a lot about how much he cares.
Yes, he is the father of my children

OP posts:

cosytoaster · 16/10/2019 20:35

I don't want this to be the end of it
Sorry OP but it's already dead in the water, if you choose to stay with him you face a future of lies and uncertainty.
He should be the one to leave. Start telling people, you don't have to keep his dirty secrets.

LIZS · 16/10/2019 20:35

So maybe he didn't have sex this time but has been creating and actively looking for opportunities to for at least six months. This is not the one and only. If you stay now, it will be something you will be worrying about and eat away at any residual trust.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 16/10/2019 20:35

Speechless

Span1elsRock · 16/10/2019 20:35

Don't be his doormat.

He's cheated on you.

And sorry but what exactly do you think they did for 48 hours in a hotel room? Play Monopoly? Don't be so naive.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 16/10/2019 20:36

You deserve so much better and it's actually really sad that you don't think you do

category12 · 16/10/2019 20:37

That reply from her doesn't ring true at all.

I reckon it's been going on longer than he says. And she's covering for him.

And they fucked like bunnies for those two days.

Sorry, but it's a pack of lies and minimisation from him

minesagin37 · 16/10/2019 20:37

Of course they had sex. That's why they booked the hotel room. They weren't crocheting!

Original poster

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 20:39

She sent me screen shots of her messages with him and from what I saw, I believe her.

OP posts:

IdiotInDisguise · 16/10/2019 20:39

Women leave when they get fed up, men leave when they find somebody.

It is clear he was already in the look out putting his ducks in a row to leave. Now it is your turn to do the same.

Find the way out, once you know you do not need him as much as you think you do, you will be in a better position to decide whether you want to leave or give this man a chance.

Some relationships come stronger out of these situations but the cheating party has to understand they will be loosing more by leaving than by staying.

Original poster

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 20:39

He was already staying in a hotel in a different country for work.
She was only there at night because he was working in the day

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/10/2019 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 16/10/2019 20:43

He's gone out for work drinks? While you are looking after yours and his kids - leaving you knowing he's been cheating and looking to cheat for months?

Come on my love. He doesnt give a flying fuck about you. Get tough now.

CJsGoldfish · 16/10/2019 20:45

What is it you want OP? Someone to tell you it's ok to accept his behaviour?

Your DP has no respect for you. He set up a fake Insta for the purpose of hooking up with other women. He's most likely done so before, just happened to be caught this time.
Yet you 'can't' leave and don't know if you want to.

Ok then. I guess you just carry one and try not to think of the effect this WILL have on your children.

TimeForNewStart · 16/10/2019 20:45

Of course they had sex OP!

notacooldad · 16/10/2019 20:45

I told him I didn't believe him about the no sex so he messaged her in front of me saying "home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!"
They are tripping with your head!!!
This is just a charade!

wildcherries · 16/10/2019 20:46

If you stay now he will know what he's done has no consequence, and he will continue doing it. Get mad. Don't be naive. And don't get married.

ucfo · 16/10/2019 20:47

I told him I didn't believe him about the no sex so he messaged her in front of me saying "home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!"

Doesn't mean they didn't have sex.
Sounds more like her joking on. She reads his message as him trying to make a joke "Sorry we didn't get to have sex" (because that's all they were doing) and then she sends her "witty" reply.

It doesn't matter whether they had full on PIV sex. They were in a hotel room for two days kissing and "other stuff". What is "other stuff"? Sex isn't just PIV.
He cheated and he's had an instagram account since April where he makes himself out to be single.

He will do this again and again. You can't trust him.
Get rid of him and for the love of God, do not marry him.

Original poster

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 20:47

I'm not sure what that comment about me having an agenda is meant to mean

OP posts:

londonrach · 16/10/2019 20:48

They had sex and he had others and doesnt care if you find out....

londonrach · 16/10/2019 20:52

Case of if it quacks lie a duck walks like a duck its a duck..he had sex

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/10/2019 20:58

Jesus Christ please don't marry this cocksucker it would be a monumental fuck up.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 16/10/2019 21:01

He neither loves nor likes you.

You need to realise that you are worth more than this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/10/2019 21:01

*"...he messaged her in front of me saying "home now, Sorry we didn't get to have sex" and she replied with "only because you didn't want me!""

He is lying to you and SHE is also lying to you.

According to you from checking up with her, she was beguiled and thought he was single. What would she then be doing by validating his text? The only reply from her to him would really have been, "FOTHFSOF...", because he tricked her, didn't he?

Her response isn't authentic. She's lying to you as well with the only 'get out' that would pacify you, ie. your partner not wanting her.

The deceit just keeps on coming, they are colluding against you and both are disgraceful. He will never, ever be truthful to you or faithful.

I'm half inclined to say marry him - and take him for everything in the divorce. I'm so sorry for you but don't be blindsided for pain now. Just don't. Do you have somebody you can talk to about this to support you?

QueSera · 16/10/2019 21:03

Setting up a fake "single" Insta to attract women for sex. LTB.

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