Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 16/10/2019 22:40

Unforgivable.
Even IF this is a one off, there is no way you'd ever trust him again. Can you imagine the crippling anxiety, the sheer stress, every time he's acting even slightly unusual....it would drive you up the wall.

Original poster
Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 22:41

I have no agenda.
This isn't a reverse (I'm not really sure what that means). This is what is happening in my life right now and I'm crushed. Of course I'm angry, I'm just trying to also be rational.
He text her the message in front of me first and I saw the reply. Later, when he had blocked her, I took her number and messaged her and whatsapped her. She seemed genuinely shocked. Of course she might be lying but I didn't get that feeling.

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 16/10/2019 22:41

And he doesn't even care, that's shocking behaviour. Definitely leave.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 16/10/2019 22:43

He's lying to you.
He shagged her.
you'd be a fool to marry that.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 16/10/2019 22:45

I think, possibly, you’re focusing too much on whether he actually had sex with her, because it’s all too painful and by concentrating on that, it feels less serious, more like you can overcome this.
But really, can you? This isn’t the first woman, this won’t be the last. He’s so desperate for another woman, he’s setting up fake Instagram profiles editing you out of his life. He spent two nights with this woman, cuddling up to her at night and kissing her good morning. He cares that little about you and your feelings that he’s gone to the pub this evening, rather than staying with you.
Is that someone you want OP? Is that your future, waiting for the next time? And please trust me, there will be a next time.

category12 · 16/10/2019 22:47

Couldn't he get a marriage annulled if they don't have sex? Plus is he really going to marry her if their relationship doesn't appear tp have gone back to normal?

And she'd have to stay in the marriage for a year before going for divorce, and she couldn't use adultery as the reason unless he does it again.

I don't think sticking around & marrying the guy is realistically going to benefit her. Better to get independent and fuck him off.

Mix56 · 16/10/2019 22:57

Whether he did have sex or not is irrelevant, where was the respect for you, the mother of his children, when he deliberately set out to have sex with other women?
He is not worth marrying, he will constantly play "the lad", you will always worry that he is at it again. Your life is worth more than that.
& what's more, he isn't even hanging his head & pretending to be sorry.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 16/10/2019 23:04

He could try and get it annulled but given they have children he would find it hard.

I am just thinking that so many women who are unmarried are in a financially desperate situation leaving a relationship -unless they can be calculate a better outcome.

Women in this situation have routinely been doing the lion's share of the childcare to the detriment of their financial security and end up relying on a useless government agency to collect a pittance in child maintenance - all the while being lumbered with the the majority of the childcare (which continues to limit their career prospects) whilst the blokes swan off and pick up the occasional weekend when they can be asked.

I just think - is it important longterm to adopt the moral high ground now ,or could you choose to delay it and instead prioritise your security?

He could carry on with his shifty crap and she would be no worse off staying until such a point it suits her to leave. She could also set up her own dalliances and make him take care of the children so she has her fun too and a possible option for later.

Queenest · 16/10/2019 23:04

LTB

lottelupin · 16/10/2019 23:12

Totally outrageous and probably doomed but you need time to process.

The upsetting thing is that as he's your close person, he's the one you want to turn to for comfort. I understand. People think that's the last thing you'd want. But it isn't. It's the first.

lottelupin · 16/10/2019 23:13

(And let me say am being very honest here!! Much easier to say 'omg the bastard kick him out right now' - but does that help you?)

caringcarer · 16/10/2019 23:14

Mybaby15 you really do deserve better than him. You sound a bit in shock. He is making no moves to win you back. You should not ever take him back. He is scum. He has been plotting to cheat on you and been caught out but is not even remorseful. He will do it again and again. You need to be going to see a solicitor and discussing your options. Why can't you tell anyone Mybaby15? Do you have family and supportive friends or not? I would be astonished if they did not have sex and even if they did not it does not mean he did not want sex with OW.

AllyBamma · 16/10/2019 23:19

Are you not telling anyone because deep down you’re hoping that he’ll come home, throw himself on your mercy and grovel for forgiveness as you said earlier? So then no one has to know about what’s gone on and you can keep up the charade of a happy relationship? I dont mean to sound harsh, I’ve been in exactly your shoes and naively that was my hope too. I was very young and I didn’t have kids then though. Please have some self respect and kick him out. He doesn’t give a shit about you and will do this again because as yet, there’s been no consequence to his actions.

justilou1 · 16/10/2019 23:20

I am inclined to say that you need to protect your legal rights and those of your kids. Push forward a nice little registry wedding while he’s feeling guilty. Make sure you keep the original certificate at a trusted friend’s house. Then file for divorce in a year and take the slimy slug for everything that you can. He is deliberately nurturing relationships outside of yours and expecting you to suck this up. He’s not going to change.

NewYorkYankee · 16/10/2019 23:24

Please don't marry someone who has treated you this way. Keep your integrity OP. Protect you children and show them how to have healthy boundaries in life. Thanks

CampingItUp · 16/10/2019 23:25

Ugh.

Setting up a fake Insta and persuading women to have affairs with him on the basis that he is single is actually really sinister.

If I found out that a man had gone to such deceptive lengths , when I would never have any intimate activities with a married man, would make me feel violated and sexually exploited.

He has no respect for women.

He has no respect for you.

What the hell is he doing, swilling off to the pub with his mates?

It doesn’t matter what form of intimacy they may or may not have indulged in. He lied to your, he lied to her and he thinks women are for fucking, no matter how they feel.

Ugh.

zebrasdontwearbras · 16/10/2019 23:27

You do want him to grovel for your forgiveness OP - because that would mean it was a "mistake" and he still cares for you/is scared f losing you.

The fact that he hasn't is both dreadfully complacent and unfeeling of him. I'm sorry.

Just on more point - if you were the OW who had been tricked into thinking he was single, and on the phone to the wife - do think you would admit to sleeping with him? Think about it.

Make plans to leave him - even if not straight away. This is who he is - the guy who makes fake profiles that he's single. He can't even have an "honest" affair. He will never be a good husband to you.

Penny12355 · 16/10/2019 23:27

You would be an absolute fool to stay with him. Even if he didnt meet ANYONE .. the fake Instagram account itself is bad enough I'd be running out the door ! Dirty bastard. He has probly cheated on you loads of times hun with that fake instagram account what a SNAKEY bastard.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/10/2019 23:33

This isn't fixable OP

This is who he is and what he does.

He's so complacent that after all this he's gone out tonight for work drinks instead of spending time with you.

Think about what your life is now, about how you felt when you had enough suspicions to get an sti test, about how you felt when you discovered what he had done...this is your life now and will be your life going forward.

Take back control of your life. Prioritise you.

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 23:34

lottelupin You have described exactly how I felt.And still do sometimes, I hate to admit. I guess it is such a huge shift in your perception of this man , that it takes time to adjust.
But , OP , he is NOT the person that you thought he was.So you think you love him , but the real guy is a total lying , cheating and callous bastard.
And you deserve so much better.

YourWinter · 16/10/2019 23:40

I can't believe that you can believe they didn't have sex, do you honestly think they held hands and talked? He's proved he's just another waste of space with his brains in his pants. Don't sleep with him again, don't bother trying to forgive, don't wonder why he isn't grovelling. End this relationship because even if he did grovel and you forgave him, you will never, ever forget - and he will do it again... and again... because he thinks he's worth it, and you're not. It's never a one-off.

crustycrab · 16/10/2019 23:40

They have had sex. She replied knowing you already knew about them so validated her story in that text.

Does it matter anyway? Tell him to leave, why would you put up with this shit? No doubt she "turned his head" and he "didn't know what came over him"

lottelupin · 16/10/2019 23:42

Thank you, stillfunny ... it's not cool to admit it, but it's the truth. It's a good example of how emotional responses can be seemingly totally illogical and irrational. But they have their own logic.

OP, you need time. Indeed he isn't, sadly, the guy you love. But he's still the body you're used to and is so familiar, you weren't ready to lose him.

Some say marry him on what is probably a little rise of guilt, and then leave him when you like. That feels a fairly cynical approach, but may be very sensible.

I don't know, but feel for you. Sadly, lots of people have been through the same. Just go gently.

ladyjadie · 16/10/2019 23:43

I caught my ex out lying and it hurt me. SO MUCH. All I wanted was for him to grovel and beg forgiveness. He didn’t, tried to turn it round on me and then went out drinking. Utter callous behaviour that devastated me. Looking back tho I’m actually glad because that callousness showed me his true colours so I knew I HAD to leave no matter my circumstance, because this was him and he was capable of hurting me and not caring and my future flashed before my eyes: decades of being on eggshells wondering when he would hurt me again (yes would) or go through the pain of a split but know I would be living my OWN life and the only one I (and my kids) could rely on was ME and I knew I would always be loyal to me. Hurts for a couple weeks but oh my god the weight that lifted off my mental state was staggering. You can’t trust this man, you can do it by yourself, you and your lovely kids. That or stay on edge unhappy, for the rest of your life til you die. Love to you, you can do it 💕

Bouledeneige · 16/10/2019 23:55

What a cold deceitful horrible man. Of course they had sex. Of course he set up the account to have affairs and cheap flings with other women. Of course he doesn't care about you. And of course you should tell someone in real life.

I think I'd rather be on my own forever than settle for a man like him. He's not worth having. Save the money for the wedding and have a holiday with the kids to celebrate your freedom from that cheaty sleazy low life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread