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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated. I messaged OW. What next

232 replies

Mybaby15 · 16/10/2019 18:47

DP works away a lot.
Got back at the weekend and was being weird. Checked his phone. Messages to another woman who stayed at his hotel room for 2 nights.
Confronted him. Admitted cheating. Kissing and other stuff but no sex. I believe this because I also messaged OW and she confirmed. She was horrified. He had told her he was single and no kids. Had a fake Instagram account with just pics of him and his mates and some travels.
He was sorry. Still is sorry apparently.
I can't immediately escape. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I'm just stuck in this awful limbo where I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better.

OP posts:
BringMeAGinandTonic · 16/10/2019 21:04

I've been through what you're going through OP, so hugs. It's so difficult but you will get through it. Be patient right now, as it is all a shock and you most likely are not thinking straight. Do you have family or friends to support you right now?

Finallygotthere · 16/10/2019 21:06

Total fuckboy.... don't get sucked in any more.
Having 'put up' with that kind of behaviour twice over because I "honestly believed it would get better " believe me not worth it.
Get out, show ur kids the strong person u are and ur life will be SOOOO much better than the constant second guessing his every move!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 16/10/2019 21:06

I just re-read my post and I just meant be patient and don't feel like you need to rush into anything. Let the shock wear off first. I think wedding plans being on hold is a good idea whole you sort through this.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 16/10/2019 21:06

ugh. while*

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2019 21:08

Think about it! You messaged her. If I was messaged by someone claiming that she was the fiancee of the man I'd been seeing/spent the night with, the first thing I would have done before replying would have been to contact HIM and ask WTF was going on.

They had sex and he's convinced her to lie about it. Possibly because she is also cheating on someone.

But whether or not they had sex is irrelevant. He planned to have sex. He actually created a pathway to cheat on you. Therefore, he believes that cheating is acceptable, as long as he doesn't get caught. That would be enough for me.

Cancel the wedding. See if you can get back any deposits you've made and KEEP THEM. If you are financially entangled, seek advice about 'unentangling'.

Above all tell someone. Pick a trusted friend or relative. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. None of this reflects on you in any way. You are an innocent victim. And remember that countless women have been in your position and have managed to break free.

LanternLighter · 16/10/2019 21:08

I’m sorry but I agree, they absolutely have had sex.
My ex lied to my face many times saying they only kissed and I completely believed him, turned out they’d been shagging for months. Everyone could see he was lying but me.
And now he’s gone out for drinks?? What a shit. You deserve better.

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 21:10

He's left you with this bombshell and gone out for work drinks. Wow. I think you know he really doesn't care. I'm so sorry. But there is no can't. There will be a way to make it work. He will have to pay child support. You can work. Anything is better than being with a man with such little respect for you.

TSSDNCOP · 16/10/2019 21:12

Yes, he is the father of my children

It is very important that you have no more with this man who thinks so very little of you all.

Leave as soon as you can. You in 10 years time will thank you wholeheartedly.

frazzledasarock · 16/10/2019 21:12

What do you want to do?

ChasingRainbows19 · 16/10/2019 21:15

Fake profiles, cheating, lying and now he has buggered off on an evening out while you are dealing with all this information alone....All as your are planning your wedding!

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound like he gives much of a shit about his actions or he would be trying to sort it out with you not going for drinks? Cheating in any way is a no go for me ( trust is gone!) and he definitely did that. It sounds like you will probably Forgive/forget/carry on though. But please don't marry him.

BlancoNita · 16/10/2019 21:17

Oh god :( he is gone out for work drinks? wtf, who does this after their life is in tatters and breaking their partners heart. OP he seems like he is hoping you grow a pair of balls that he clearly has not got and wants you to do the dumping, please leave him, he will actually end up resenting you for taking him back, he has no respect for you .

And I also think he is colluding with this women, please don't be so sure that there is some evil conniving people out there. Fucking prick .

RLOU30 · 16/10/2019 21:19

@Lying makes so much sense read it properly

There's no way her message to your partner would read "only because you didn't want me" she just apparently found out he lied to her about being single

BrendasUmbrella · 16/10/2019 21:21

It sounds like he doesn't care, and has mentally checked out of the marriage.

As long as he's not aggressive or threatening, you don't need to think about escaping. Take some time and think about what you want to do, with the reality of things as they are.

MrsAJ27 · 16/10/2019 21:23

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like a selfish bastard and honestly you can do much better.

I really wouldn't believe what either of them say, he could've told her about you and the kids. The fact that he has gone out shows he doesn't care about you or your feelings.

The trust is gone and so has the respect...What else is there? Put yourself and kids first...do what is right for you. In my experience love is never enough.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/10/2019 21:25

Can I give you a shake?!

WTAF are you thinking?

This is the second one you KNOW about, imagine how many you don’t know about

Your STI check may well be clear (hopefully) it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been fuckung around

Luck his arse out tell family & friends. I know it’s hard and humiliating (it shouldn’t be, but we all know it is) but you know what it’ll be MORE humiliating in 10 years time when he’s fucked countless women & your still with him. Because that’s exactly what’ll happen

You ignore this and it’s a green light fir him to do what he wants....

He can leave, he can stay with family/friends and pay CS, you can claim any benefits you’re entitled to and it’ll all work out.

If you choose not to, you know what you’re signing up for!

expat101 · 16/10/2019 21:27

OP I am sincerely sorry this is happening to you however I agree with the other posters that you have to leave, or at least tell him to move out. Is there a reason why you cannot talk to your family and friends about what has happened? You need your support networks right now (as he certainly isn't giving any) and you are entitled to have people around you who love and care for you...

In the meanwhile is there a budgeting service nearby that you can make an appointment with, to find out your financial position and get some help? Please don't let him holding the income strings be the reason you are staying as is, for now. xx

Livelovebehappy · 16/10/2019 21:29

Of course they’ve had sex. She probably feels so crap about the situation she’s trying to minimise it and lied to you.

Icouldstillbejoseph · 16/10/2019 21:30

If your daughter told you what you are telling us, what would you advise her to do OP?

L0bstersLass · 16/10/2019 21:32

I don't understand why he's not grovelling at my feet to make it all better

He is currently out for work drinks which says a lot about how much he cares

Because he is a fucking disgrace. And meant as gently as I can, but he has no respect for you.

Lock him out. Seriously. Lock all the doors and leave keys in them so he can't get in.

supersop60 · 16/10/2019 21:33

He doesn't respect you, and has checked out of the relationship.
He doesn't want to marry you, and you need to get him out of your life.

Savingforarainyday · 16/10/2019 21:35

What difference does it make if his penis ended up in her vagina, or in her mouth? He went out of his way to do intimate things with someone who isn't you, and he lied about it.

userxx · 16/10/2019 21:35

It doesn't matter if they had sex, the intention was there, fucking hell he went to the trouble of setting up a fake insta account. What a heartless twat. You need to speak to someone in real life, please call a friend or get someone to come over 🍷

KOKOtiltomorrow · 16/10/2019 21:36

@Mybaby15 .....he’s fucked her and possibly others. Do not believe a word he says. He doesn’t care about you in the real sense of the word. Time to let go FlowersFlowers

Minionmomma · 16/10/2019 21:40

OP you and your dc deserve so much better. I cannot believe he’s out socialising right now. What a shit he is. Low life. If you marry this man your self esteem will erode completely. You will never feel able to trust him. The level of his deceit shows that he has a deep sense of entitlement and he does not respect you.

DistanceCall · 16/10/2019 21:42

It's possible that they didn't have penetrative sex. She might have been menstruating and gave him blowjobs. Who knows.

That's not the point. The point is you're planning a wedding with someone who has set up an Instagram account specifically for the purpose of shagging women. And who has had sexual contact with another woman (and I'm sure she was far from the only one).

If you go on with the wedding, you are saying this is OK. You are giving him permission to continue to do this.

And now he's out in the pub. That's how much he respects you and cares for you.

Respect yourself. You deserve a good life with someone who loves you. This man is not that person. Far from it.

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